I've already been here 3 weeks...

[MarcosGirl]

Hi all...
I've been posting on these forums for about 3 weeks now, but never posted my introduction in this forum.  I did post an intro in the SO forum, but that forum is quite slow, although responses to my posts have been great and very much appreciated!  I will give the "Reader's Digest" version of my intro here.

I'm 40 and am the significan other of Marco (hence my screen name  ).  Marco and I have been together for 7 months and it has been a rocky road to say the least.  We are both going through divorces, but unlike his, mine is as bad as they come.  We feel that if our love has withstood what we have been through so far (and it just keeps getting stronger everyday), then we are destined to be together forever.

I have two kids (14 and 11) who are not o.k., at this point, with mine and Marco's situation.  They are living with their dad right now and I am able to spend 3 hours on Tuesdays and Wednesdays with them (you can read my court hearing post in the SO forum for further explanation on that).  My ex and my sister and probably my ex's parents are constantly feeding my kids negative crap about me.  I think that they could come to a place (especially my son) where they could start understanding my situation if they weren't made to feel like they would be betraying the whole family if they did.  I just keep telling them that I love them and that I understand what they are going through.  I try my best not to bad mouth their father (which is an insurmountable task if you knew their father) and I just hope that someday they will see that my ex's and my relationship was so toxic and that he has been the one making everything so difficult and negative.

Well, I will wrap it up for now.  Most of my posts are in the SO forum, but I have been venturing out further lately.

Thanks for reading!

[Robyn]

Hang in there, Pam.  You are demostrating a lot of strength.  Do take some time for yourself to let out all the emotions building up inside.

Hugs.

Robyn

[MarcosGirl]

Robyn,
     Thanks for your support.  I am in an intensive therapy program.  I'm developing new skills to release my emotions in a healthy manner.  Don't get me wrong.  I wasn't some kind of psycho before (well, maybe occassionally) my therapy.  My problem was that I internalized everything.  I've learned that just eats me up from the inside out.

Thanks again, and I will see you around the forums!
Pam

[Dennis]

Pam, as a divorce lawyer, I can tell you that the best thing you can do for your kids is make those three hours you have with them as good as possible for them. As stress-free, conflict-free, and focussed on them as you can. It will pay off in the end for your relationship with them.

I had a client today who has a very unreasonable ex, that I was explaining to him that the less conflict that he is involved with the better it will be for the kids and for him in court. He said, 'does that mean I just have to roll over on her demands?'. I said 'yes. For the kids, you do.' There's a great book called "Joint Custody with a Jerk" that talks about parenting in a high conflict situation and how not to involve the kids in the conflict between you and the ex. I highly recommend it. It's so hard to keep the you out of the conflict and put the kids first, but it's so rewarding to do that.

Anyway, keep up the counselling and make the best of a bad situation.

Dennis

[MarcosGirl]

Hi Dennis...

   Thank you so much for the advice.  I am trying to do this.  The kids and I had a good visit last Thursday.  I kept everything upbeat.  I let them know that if they had any questions or wanted to talk to me about anything, I wanted them to feel welcome to do so, except with one stipulation.  We had to be respectful of each other and of their father (which was the hardest thing for me to say because I really dispise the man!).  Because the kids are not "o.k." with mine and Marco's situation right now, the judge stipulated that Marco could not be present during my visits.  This is o.k. for now, my worry is that as they grant me more time with my kids, that they will keep this stipulation.  How are my kids supposed to ever come to grips with us if they can never be around him?  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to force my kids into anything they are uncomfortable with, and am trying to give them the space they need, but with all the negativity they get fed from "the other side", I just don't know how to deal with it sometimes.  Marco and I are planning to be married in the future and we live together now, without trying to sound like a neglectful mom, it really disturbs me to tell him he has to leave when my kids are over.  The part that my kids struggle with so much is that they knew Marco before transition as "Mary", the mother of my daughter's best friend, so it is all strange to them.

Thanks again for the advice,
Pam

[jaded]

hey marcos girl a belated welcome is in order so welcome

[taylor]

Pam,

Have you thought of having the courts order that the children attend therapy with you for some family therapy so that some positives can be introduced to them and not just all the negatives that they are exposed to? Just a thought. What judge would deny a family therapy for working through family issues and healing a relationship? You don't have to tell the judge all your reasons, just that you want therapy with the children to work through some things that you believe will help them with their emotional health issues etc.  But the therapist would need to know and be willing to work with you to support your efforts effectively.

Just a thought.

Peace,

Taylor

[MarcosGirl]

Hi Jaded!  Thanks for the welcome.

Hi Taylor,
        I have thought about that.  I am currently in therapy and I have told my kids that I would like them to come with me.  My ex-husband is going to be really difficult on that one though.  It will have to be court mandated if it is going to happen.  My next court hearing is on Aug 8 and I will talk to my attorney about this.  My ex-husbands attorney says all kinds of nasty things about me and about Marco during the court proceedings...It doesn't surprise me.  A cheesy person hired a cheesy attorney!  I don't see why this couldn't be mandated.  Thanks so much for the advice, I will sure use it!

Pam

[Dennis]

As far as the stipulation that Marco can't be present for visits, you really have to be patient (I know I just said this in another thread too). Thing is, with custody/access stuff, you really only have one shot at things. If you take that shot before you really have the ammunition, then you not only blow your application, you make the next one almost impossible to make.

If you have a good lawyer he/she should be able to tell you when you've reached the level of having enough ammunition to take a shot at the wall. And a good lawyer will make sure you've got enough to knock the levees down. A bad lawyer will encourage you when you think you've got enough, and you only have an off chance of chipping a hole. If your lawyer is urging caution, you need to listen to him, no matter how strong you think your case is. Don't forget that most of what you know is not admissible evidence in court. And that's all that matters - what is admissible.

If you try and fail, your failure will be counted against you. So don't try until you have a damn good case. And that means even as far as the stipulation that Marco not be present. Wait till your kids are asking to see Marco. Wait till it's so obvious that it's a good thing for your kids that they be included in your whole life.

I can't underestimate the importance of being prepared before you try and overturn court orders. And the difference between what the court sees and what you see.

Dennis

[MarcosGirl]

Dennis,
      Thank you so much for all your advice.  I understand what you are saying.  My next court hearing is on August 8th and I am pretty sure the judge said he wanted us to go through mediation again to see where we all are at that point.  I just get so infuriated that my ex can lie through his teeth and always get his way!

Thanks again,
  Pam