Identity Crisis

[Mario]

Here's the deal.  I moved out the house where my kids are and live with Pam.  I see my kids on the weekends.  I went up there yesterday and found out that they were at a fast food place with their dad.  I decided to stop by to see them.  When I approached the door, I saw my daughter, Madison in line and in front of her were two of my older daughter's friends.  I had to turn back around and leave.  This would be because I don't figure that their friends would not understand why I have somewhat of a beard and a flattened out chest.  Top surgery is set for Aug 7 and can't come soon enough!  Even though I know things will be even harder with my kids at that time.  I can only hope that, in time, I will be able to blend into a crowd after being on T a while since my daughter, Mariah, plays volleyball 9 months out of the year.  Obviously many of my kids' friends know me as their mom and this will be a difficult situation as time goes by with the changes that will take place.  Then it will be like they don't have a mom at all, at least to their friends.  Mariah has a boyfriend who knows me as "Mary", so what if that relationship lasts?  She would never want him to know of the changes I am undergoing.  So what happens when dating, Prom, and other "boyfriend/girlfriend" activities come up?  I don't think I'll be able to be involved with that.  I never thought this would be easy to transition with kids.

                                                            Marco

[Elizabeth]

All of my kids friends know.  Thier parents know. It has not changed who comes over to my house and it has not changed who's house my kids are welcome in. The big hazing we were expecting never happened.  I know I live in southern California, which is pretty liberal, but it just has not been that big of a deal.  In fact, when my 17 year old told his friends about me, one of the came out that he was a crossdresser and bisexual.  It is my beleif that open honesty is the only way to go.  If we are to be rejected, time will not change that, just prolong it. That is my opinion.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[stephanie_craxford]

Transitioning with children can often be very difficult and some times impossible.  We have one child, a daughter who is now 28, and married to a wonderful guy.  I came out to her in March 2005, and although we still talk on the phone and email back and forth, she doesn't want to see Stephanie.  The last time I saw her was Dec 25th, 2005 ( that day I agreed to her request that I dress as her dad used to dress for one last time, and that from that date on I would no longer be able to do that again.)

It's been very rough.  I was at a country bar a couple of week ago, and while I was in the washroom, my daughter and her husband, walked in with a couple of their friends .  I noticed them as I walked back to my table.  She looked soooooooo happy, laughing, and having a great time with everyone, I wanted so much to be able to be a part of it.  It had been the first time I had saw her since Christmas.  I didn't want to risk spoiling her night or creating a situation in front of her friends so I left.  I felt horrible doing what I did, if it had been anyone else I would not have left.  But I have agreed to give her some time and space to get her head around all this.

Times like that I can do without, but she is my only child and I love her so much.

Steph

[Mario]

Elizabeth and Stephine,
   Thanks for your input. Elizibeth, I too live in Southern California, but the reason I am not putting myself in front of mainly Mariah's friends is out of respect for her wishes. When shes ready to talk about it with her friends/boyfriend, then I won't have a problem being around them. I also think it is her age. She is almost 15, and that is an age where acceptance by your friends is very important, also appearing "normal" to your friends. So right now I am in the same situation as Stephine with her daughter. I can only hope in time that we can learn together to cope. Thanks again.

                                       Marco

[Elizabeth]

Marco,

There are clearly two lines of thinking on this. One line is that our friends and family have feelings and that as our loved ones, we should respect them. The other line of thinking is that, if we always put others feelings ahead of our own, we will never be able to be our true selves, because no one wants that but us.

Why are others not obligated to respect our wishes?  Why is everyone elses wishes put ahead of our own? I beleive it is because we have been conditioned to beleive we are defective.  That there is something wrong with us, so we must make all the concessions.

I submit to you that I did not ask to be this and that for whatever reason, there are enough of us, that we can know with certainty that gender dysphoria is a part of the human condition.  Why should promote this idea that there is something wrong with me, by continuing to hide and live in shame as if there were actually something wrong with me.

This IS what I am!!!!!! Continuing to disguise it, for those who wish to pretend this is not what I am, is a an act of futility, in my opinion.  I can see no way that anyone can benifit from this is the overall scheme of things.  If my kids can not accept this about me, than they are just not going to.  I am not going to give up my control over myself to them, because they won't let me control how they feel.

It is my beleif that surrendering my control over myself to be who I am, has caused me a great deal of harm.  I am at a point where I would prefer to be rejected as the person I am, than to be accepted as a person I hate.  This applies to everyone.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[jan c]

Marco that is hella tough. I think a child still experiencing pubescence is going to be one of those most disturbed by a change... coupled with the severe peer pressure at that age. Boy oh boy...

How is it that grown persons are so disturbed by a non-traditional gender expression? That we unconsciously feel we must hide it all.
It seems to me that (pontificating again, so sorry) a person secure about his or her own identity would not be so easily disturbed. (I have a friendship pretty much ending behind his resistance to the change, and it was never overt, just subtle resentment permeating the whole relationship. It was living down to these very sort of expectations that made me an entirely dysfunctional entity. I'm done with that.)

[jaded]

hey marco , i would love to give you some smart advice but i got nothing  all i can do is hope things work out for you
look at the bright side you will have the surgery and get back on T soon and i think your phsical apearance would be pretty self explanatory !
take care ,
                jaded

[Mario]

Elizibeth, thanks for the wise words, point well taken. Jan C you are right about pubescence, that is where my daughter's line of thinking comes from. Jaded, hey man, thanks for just hoping. But yes after surgery that will be a test.
                                           Marco

[amberctm]

Marco,
Athough my kids are not the same age, I'm am going to try to talk to my five year old about it. He has been asking me questions(been on HRT for almost six months) about my body and why I look like mommy. Of course with this comes telling his teachers at day care, then I'm pretty much out to everyone. I've never been so nervous. Mainly because it does expose me to to people I would other wise not come into contact with or not tell at all.

It will be a while before my daughter(2) and son got to prom have girlfriends or boyfriends, get married, but I do sometimes worry about what my roll will be. I just hope the good relationships we have continue and that  that they still love me then.

Anyway, sorry to hijack your post,

Amber

[Mario]

Amber,
        It is good that your kids are young. Your daughter won't even remember you as a man. I guess that only makes it easier now. Later will be harder. I don't want to deal with anyone that already knows me, this is hard because now I have to dissapear from school and sports involvment for now which I have always been a big part of. I now live with my girlfriend and see my kids a few times a week. Im not sure what to expect after my top surgery in August. Thanks for your input, and good luck with your son. I always find it best to tell them like it is (on there own level)
   
                                          Marco

[Dennis]

I think that young children are much more adaptable than people think they are. And that teenagers are much less adaptable than people think they are.

Remember being a teen? Remember how awful it was to discover that you did something different from all your friends, be it comb your hair differently, put your keys in your pants pocket, watch a different show on TV/miss a show on TV? Many of us were agonized by our gender differences, but if we can get past that, it was just still friggin agonizing being a teen.

They will grow out of it Marco. And Steph, your daughter too will grow out of it one day, I'm sure. Their world is shifting and for teens/young adults, that's an awfully hard thing for them.

Hang in there,

Dennis

[Kimberly]

^{*blinks twice*}
No sorry I can not relate. If anything I did the inverse, I tried to be different than the others. ^*shrug* What can I say, I was never that impressed with my peer group at that age.

The moral and relevance is that everyone reacts differently, young or old alike. As near as I can tell age is only good for stereotyping. However, that said I agree with what Dennis has said, it takes time to get used to large changes.

However, my though pattern comes from a different world. Some of the things people do are pretty much inconceivable to me, so take my thoughts for what they are worth