Well, I've been lurking around here for a few days, working up the courage to post...
I'm a twenty-four year MTF who's just recently begun to accept her gender identity. I still live full time as a male, and I've only come out to a therapist here at my university. This all seems so surreal to me... I never expected to be in anything like this situation, and I'm not sure where to go from here. Go easy on me, I'm painfully shy -- this is only second forum post I've made in my life, and I work in the IT field!
I'm not sure if I've ever felt like the stereotypical "woman trapped in a man's body", but I've hated my assigned gender since I was seven. I never knew what to make of my feelings, and I couldn't think of anything I could do about them, so I decided to ignore them. I somehow managed to convince myself that I was a heterosexual male, and I kept telling myself that, day in and day out. Even though I was consciously suppressing any acceptance of my TG status, it didn't stop the endless fantasies about being or becoming a woman. I started rationalizing those away, thinking that all men had fantasies like that occasionally. Then, fearing I might be some kind of homosexual (and what it would mean for me), I also worked hard to avoid any situation where I might find a man attractive, or vice versa. Finally, I developed into a completely antisocial recluse, as I felt like I had a glaring neon sign singling me out as a freak.
The end result of all this was that I became a neurotic mess. Now, years later, I've gone through depression, paranoia, complete social paralysis, and even two impulsive suicide attempts. I'm still an undergraduate at age twenty-four, and I don't know where my life has gone. Strangely, I feel no older than fifteen on the inside, and I can't remember much of my childhood. My memories of my second decade are dim and indistinct, buried under this awful fog of misery.
Emotionally, I am a bit better now (though not well by any means), and I'm definitely not suicidal anymore. Just a few weeks ago, I finally accepted the fact that I'm a woman, and it's been a big relief. Since then, I've started to care about my health and appearance, and have begun to imagine a future for myself. I've got a lot of dieting and exercise to do, since I'm in bad physical shape and I want to live to transition. Not to mention that the fat makes me look even more hideously masculine than I already do.
