An awkward question

[MaggieB]

OK, this is a weird one. We are moving and I have to sell some stuff. I just sold some old camera equipment that I listed on Craig's list to a guy. As we were looking at my camera collection, he asked me what I did when he saw my office and I told him then came the question I never expected...

He asked, "What does your husband do?"

I replied, "He is not around anymore."

He said, "So you are divorced?"

I fumbled, "Ah, er, um.... we are separated."

He asked,"How long were you married?"

I said, "Twenty years, we just drifted apart"

He went on, "Ya, I was married for two years." "Then one day it was over"
He continued, "You live here alone, then?"

I quickly said, "No, I live here with my daughter"

He said, "OH I see"  and I changed the subject to moving. Soon after that he left.

I never never expected this!

[NicholeW.]

A nice story, Maggie. Good for you, hon. That must've felt great after the awkwardness and surprise had passed.

N~

[RebeccaFog]

It is nice.

But I get nervous when people ask 'do you live alone?'

I asked my girlfriend to stop telling people that she's home alone all day with no visitors while I'm at work.   Maybe I'm just overly cautious.  I'm certainly not trying to make you nervous.

By the way, if that's you in the picture, I can understand why he thought you'd have a husband.



Rebis

[MaggieB]

Thanks, it does take me back to hear this kind of talk from a guy.
I was a bit shaken by the "do you live alone" comment too.
Yes, that is a photo taken of me last week.

Maggie

[Hypatia]

Great picture, Maggie!

Last week I realized I needed to change the name on my old 401k account. So I called the company and gave my account number. The guy looked it up and asked "Ma'am, are you calling about your husband's account?"

GWU voice training has given me a perfect womanly phone voice.

[MaggieB]

Hypatia,
Thank you I had a professional photoshoot and the photo is a proof from that sitting. I have a thread here on Susan's about my experiences with it.

The voice is one of my problem areas. I am looking at Deep Stealth and Melanie Anne. Is GWU George Washington University?I found out that they have a voice program but I didn't know it was trans oriented too. Is this where you got the training?

I told my SO about the event with the camera guy and she was not too cool about it. She said it was stupid to let him dominate me that way. She says women have to resist that kind of invasive questioning all the time. I knew that this was a possibility but I thought that since the guy heard my voice on the phone and spent about fifteen minutes with me, he would have clocked me. I just thought then that he was tolerant person. My big surprise came when he asked to come in the house to look at the other items I had for sale. That is when he asked the questions.

I was amazed at the forwardness of the guy once inside the house. He went where he pleased and touched stuff at will. I frankly was not ready for that. I used to be able to take care of myself as a male so none of these things would happen to me. Now however, men take the assertive position automatically and it is like letting an uncontrollable child in. When he asked if I lived alone, I got a bit scared but thankfully he left soon after. It did occur to me that he might return.

My SO was also wondering if I liked getting the attention of men this way. She is really concerned and watching for me to reveal that I want a man sexually. I keep telling her that I am only interested in her but she wants nothing to do with a woman in bed. As a result, I told her once again, that the only thrill I got out of the interchange was that I passed.


The biggest question is now what do I say is the status of my marriage? She once again stated that she doesn't want to be listed or seen as a lesbian. She is planning to say that she got divorced at work and take me out of the health and life insurance plans. She and I discussed it and in her mind, we are not married. She is supporting my plans to have some form of surgery (orchi or full SRS) within the next year. But what do we tell people who I am? We are moving to a new neighborhood and inevitably someone will come over to introduce themselves. So far the only thing acceptable to her is to say we are sisters. We will say that my husband died long ago and she is divorced. At work, she will say I left. We are to hide that I have a business at the house because they could find out what it is and then look it up and see it is run by her ex-husband--- me.
This will be the pack of lies that we are planning to tell for the rest of our lives.

[Hypatia]

Hypatia,
Thank you I had a professional photoshoot and the photo is a proof from that sitting. I have a thread here on Susan's about my experiences with it.

The twinset was a brilliant stroke. Nothing screams "normal woman" like a twinset.

Is GWU George Washington University?I found out that they have a voice program but I didn't know it was trans oriented too. Is this where you got the training?

Yes, they get plenty of transsexuals there, and I'm graduating from that program tomorrow after only two semesters. They told me I've learned faster than any of the other transsexuals and my voice is very womanly now.

Now however, men take the assertive position automatically and it is like letting an uncontrollable child in.

Yeah welcome to womanhood.  You might want to check out women's assertiveness self-help CDs like The Confident Woman: Asserting Yourself at Work, Love and Play by Marjorie Hansen Shaevitz.

My SO was also wondering if I liked getting the attention of men this way. She is really concerned and watching for me to reveal that I want a man sexually.I keep telling her that I am only interested in her but she wants nothing to do with a woman in bed.

Yeah I know I go through exactly the same thing with mine.

The biggest question is now what do I say is the status of my marriage? She once again stated that she doesn't want to be listed or seen as a lesbian.

Same here. Mine has drawn the line at SRS. Once I have a vagina, she will divorce me because of homophobia. 

She is planning to say that she got divorced at work and take me out of the health and life insurance plans.

That is so unfair! Will you have any coverage then?

She and I discussed it and in her mind, we are not married. She is supporting my plans to have some form of surgery (orchi or full SRS) within the next year.

My situation is different on this point-- she keeps expecting me, unrealistically, to reverse course although I've told her a thousand times this transition is permanent. She does not support me getting surgery at all, that's the big deal-breaker.

But what do we tell people who I am? We are moving to a new neighborhood and inevitably someone will come over to introduce themselves. So far the only thing acceptable to her is to say we are sisters.

Mine has put out the story to the neighbors that her "husband's cousin" is staying with us.

We are to hide that I have a business at the house because they could find out what it is and then look it up and see it is run by her ex-husband--- me.

In our house, she is the one with the home-based business.

This will be the pack of lies that we are planning to tell for the rest of our lives.

We're not, because divorce is definitely in the cards. We're just coasting slowly to the edge of the cliff... My SRS has been indefinitely delayed because I lost my job and have no money left. So that is prolonging this doomed marriage.

[MaggieB]

I love the twinset and have some version most days. I know it is associated with conservatism or frumpiness but I think it is a nice look.


It is amazing that we have so much in common. I can't say for sure that my "marriage" will survive this either. In many ways, as it is, I am so ready to leave and I really wonder if I did whether I would be missed.

The health coverage for me would be gone. She is not going to tell her employer she is married to a transwoman. They are very conservative engineers and will not accept this. Plus the HR/CFO manager is a tyrant with horrible ways of torturing people she disapproves of. This woman will eviscerate my wife when she finds out.

The hardest part of this relationship is my wife is so unwilling to learn what being trans is all about and what the steps are to deal with it. She refuses to acknowledge how dangerous it is out there for us. I want to pass to be safe not to make a statement. She can't see the need but she was present last summer when a strange man threatened to kill me over my looks. I was andro looking then but more like a flamboyantly gay male.  We escaped when a police man walked by and the guy walked off.

[Hypatia]

That's so scary, honey. Do what you need to do to survive and stay safe, and you don't owe apologies to anyone for that.