I have been looking for a forum for a while now. I saw this site a while ago, but was nervous about actually joining, still trying to deny what I knew was true I guess.
I have hidden myself for so long, that it is important for for me to be honest now. So, with my introduction, I'll tell my story. It is important for me simply to try to understand it all and for all the others who might be questioning.
For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a boy. I can't remember a time when i didn't. I remember writing stupid letters to santa begging to be a boy. I can remember thinking if i wished hard enough, one day I would miraculously become a boy. It happened to Pinnocchio after all, why not me? I remember when I could conceptualize the meaning of God, praying every night that I would be a boy. It never happened, therefore I must not be good enough.
I remember my mother telling me she always wanted a son. I remember her telling me that I looked so much like my father it made her want to cry. (My father died before my second birthday.)
I have suffered much abuse over the years. Sexual abuse from ages 2-19. Physical abuse always until I moved from home. This always lead me to believe it was a sense of power i was looking for and I saw that in males, therefore I wished to be male.
At age 15, I finally discovered what gay meant. I thought I was a was a lesbian and tried so hard to be a good one, but it just wasn't right. Still the desire to be seen as male was still present.
At age 23, I fell in love with a wonderful gay man, although i could not admit it, because I was a good little lesbian. During our friendship, he mentioned the subject of transitioning. I dismissed it, thinking it was not an option.
Now, I am partnered with a wonderfully open minded woman. She is very supportive and surprisingly seemed to be excited when I told her (2 days ago) what I was thinking. She asked me why it hadn't been obvious to me before.
I have cried until I can cry no more. The realization of who I am has overwhelmed me, simply because it was there all along and I denied it.
I was always a very active child, extremely muscular and strong for a girl and could match any boy. I was denied sports like baseball and football, because I was a girl. I think the boys were just scared.
My physical energy, sexual energy, and humor have always been "male", but was stifled in an effort to be "female". I have repressed feelings and i have abused my mind and body in an effort to be what society sees as a"girl".
It took stumbling across websites and really looking at myself in the mirror, for it to finally dawn on me. I see male and have never seen anything but male. It was an epiphany. It was like somebody opened a puzzle and all the pieces fell softly into place. My muddled memories of my childhood were not so confusing and I could see a clear path.
The changes in my life just over the past 6 days have been amazing. I'm no longer afraid to be who I should have been from the start. I no longer feel embarrassed about who I am and I am excited about my journey, although still a little scared. I am no longer angry about my past. I am no longer angry about who I am. I have alot of work to do to get to where I want to be.
I want to thank every one that has had the strength to post here and at other sites. Without those people, my life would have dragged on in an endless effort to be a social norm.
