Transition or die?

[mickiejr1815]

ok, now ladies, i know a few of you have recently posted on here that it was either you transition or it was the end. as i have said before, i don't need hormones or makeup to look, sound , or be accepted in society as female.

my questions are: who of you are transition or die?
                        and why do you feel that way?


i'm asking because i'm not suicidal and trying to figure out if i am the only one. i'm looking for this to be a very hot topic, so let the wrath begin, if there is any...

Princess Mickie
Warrior Princess

[Just Mandy]

I use to think that was a pretty drastic thing to say,

but since starting HRT and feeling so right and so happy,

I like what I am,

I like what I see,

I've accepted my fate,

I can really see how going back would be very, very difficult,

It would be a very dark time for me,

I can see as I get further along how much harder that will become,

so for me,

yea, I do think it's transition or die,

I can't... I won't live as a male,

It reminds me of the famous quote by Patrick Henry,

"Give me liberty or give me death",

I choose liberty

Amanda

[Sandy]

My gender dysphoria was at the core of my chronic bleak depression.  Nothing I did could alieviate the depth of the depression.  Then the depressive cycle got longer and longer.  Then there came the opportunities for suicide.  I knew that sooner or later I'd get the courage to go all the way.

It wasn't until I came out to myself and started my transition that I could see life as anything to be endured.

It wasn't an issue of passing or not passing.  It was continuing the lie of masculinity.  I could no longer live the lie.

-Sandy

[Anonymouse]

For me it was not a choice of transition or die. It was a case of transition or continue to live a hollow and desperately unhappy life that was a sham.

I have battled with chronic depression for much of my life although I haven't seriously considered suicide since the 1980's. In the last 20 years though I have experianced the loss of many fellow travellers along the way. That loss has taken a very heavy toll on me but even at my weakest gave me determination to continue when I was lost in despair.

It has been a long road with little support from fellow travellers or healthcare professionals. Indeed many discouraged me and told me it could never work for me.

The thing is though it did work for me. Now I am living instead of existing. I never imagined I would ever make it this far, never imagined that others could accept me but the thing is you never now how far you can go until you start going. Against all the odds, against all advice I have reached a place in my life where others look to me for inspiration. What better tribute could I make to those that have fallen than to live and bear witness.

To me the choice has got to be to live.

Ann

Ann

[Alyssa M.]

Like Kassandra, gender dysphoria has been at the core of my depression for a long time. However, I've never (quite) been suicidal, and I've learned to deal with the depression (and many other factors that perpetuate it) separately from the gender dysphoria.

So for now, no, it's not transition or die, at least not yet. But I see how it could get to that point, and I don't really want to wait for that to happen. So it's not so much live or die as live or "live" (in quotations, meaning going through the motions, not really living in the fullest sense).

[Laura Eva B]

I got by as a "guy" .... but I never made a pretence of my non-existent masculinity .... guess I was the "quiet gay guy" to all who knew me ?

I was never comfortable in who I was, but was far from suicidal. 

Just that I knew I had one life to live and knew that it was "on hold" in so many ways unless I could express myself outwardly in the way I'd felt inside since childhood ....

Continuing to live as a guy was effectively a slow "suicide" as part of me was dying every day.

ok, now ladies, i know a few of you have recently posted on here that it was either you transition or it was the end. as i have said before, i don't need hormones or makeup to look, sound , or be accepted in society as female.

Sad fact Mickie is that without hormones, makeup, surgeries even, you might be accepted as a feminine guy, but NOT female, and far less as a woman by society !

Laura x

[Alyssa M.]

Continuing to live as a guy was effectively a slow "suicide" as part of me was dying every day.

Yes, that's what I was ineptly trying to say, but you said it way more clearly. The boiling frog metaphor applies.

[DeValInDisguise]

I wasn't suicidal, but the effort of repressing who I am drained the vitality from every other aspect of my life.  I struggled with depression and it seemed there was no point to my life.  Oh, at times I pretended - I got married to a wonderful woman and my family became my reason for getting through each day.  But emotionally I wasn't there at all.  Eventually the emptiness consumed my job and my marriage.  Because I *couldn't* give either of them any attention other than mere acknowledgement.

I ended up losing both, because I couldn't keep them up.  And at that point I finally admitted to myself and to my wife that I am a woman.  Ever since then it's been a whirlwind for me.  Looking back I can see that I wouldn't have killed myself physically.  But I would have killed my soul, inch by inch.  I would have shut everything off until it died, like tying a tourniquet to a limb.

Who knows, perhaps one day I would have subconsciously killed myself.  Perhaps like someone mentioned on another thread at one point by thinking "I can beat that oncoming car" or through mistreatment of my body (continuing bad eating and no exercise).  Goddess knows I was doing that second one already.

Val

[Kate]

i don't need hormones or makeup to look, sound , or be accepted in society as female.

Well, that wasn't my motivation for HRT really. I need to be female, soooooo... I need estrogen and SRS. The passing and acceptance are something of a side-effect really, although I need and want them too. But even if I passed perfectly, say perhaps through FFS, I'd *still* HAVE to have HRT (and SRS)... as I need, must, and absolutely have to be female. And for ME, passing and acceptance alone don't get me there if I still have male chemistry, body and genitals.

Why "transition or die?"

I can't really add much to the wonderful descriptions I'm reading here. As others said, I WAS dead... or dying. I could either just let myself slip into that dark oblivion... or try to rebuild my life as it SHOULD have been.

So, I'm giving the rebuilding thing a chance

~Kate~

[tinkerbell]

In my case it was transition or die.  Why?  well, to put it simply, I am not a man and I couldn't even conceive the idea of living my life as one.  I wasted twenty years of my life trying to "cut it" as a young man.  After two decades of misery and three suicide attempts, I HAD to transition.  No excuses, no buts, no more lying.  As I have said previously, if I hadn't transitioned, I would be much, much, much better six feet under...


tink

[taru]

You would think that especially among the "younger TS crowd" nothing is outside the realm of possibilities nowadays so, having poised this question before, why is it that the suicide rate for alleged young TS individuals is higher than ever before? If more are talking and aware of the help options and understanding that is available these days is it possible someone is confusing "causes" with "effects"?

Could you link a study on this?

[Terra]

my questions are: who of you are transition or die?
                        and why do you feel that way?

I wasn't until I turned 21, that's when the floodgates opened on who I was. After this is when things got desperate.

The more I discovered who I was, the more I needed to transition. Being stuck in the military prevented that. So that was the only real time I considered suicide, and the closest I hope I ever get. In my case, it never would be an attempt, that's partly why I never did it.

Now? Yes, I would rather die then go back to living as a man. Now i'm living a more or less normal existence as a girl, and its grand. I found a piece of myself that makes me feel complete in an indescribable way. It would be akin to suicide anyway to lose that piece again.

I know I simply could not function anymore as a man, not for long anyway. The one day I spent an hour as a boy was perhaps one of the most unpleasant experiences I can recall. To spend days, weeks, or more would be unbearable. There is no Eric to be had anymore, he died that day long ago when he was ready to die. Now there is only me, the girl behind the mask, without her there is nothing.

[Alex]

I've never been suicidal, I'd rather try my best in the face of adversity no matter the circumstances.  I get depressed occasionally but everyone gets depressed occasionally about something or other.  I even think it's possible for me to live happily without transitioning in my current situation.  That doesn't mean I don't identify as female though and if my situation changes then it might get harder.  But by then it might be harder to transition.  This is my dilema :p  I'm not depressed enough now that it's transition or die but I could be in the future!

[NicholeW.]

I have been suicidal, but not from GID directly. I also have a chronic depression that tends to be worse in most respects with estrogen. (Not unusual though, women are fifty percent more prone to depression than are men and the estrogen differences are the only clues to that that aren't social. Although the social ones can be pretty large.)

So I went from chronic, steady low levels of depression to chronic but periodic levels of more severe depression.

But, in so many ways there is less to be depressed about as well. I am seen and accepted as what I am now and that difference is very, very large. More gregarious and mostly in a better overall mood than before. Also, and I think this is important, much more likely to see precursors to a severe depression and to notice that I am depressed now. It's much more visible when it does begin to set up.

And, the truth is, I cannot imagine ever going back.

N~

[Beyond]

ok, now ladies, i know a few of you have recently posted on here that it was either you transition or it was the end. as i have said before, i don't need hormones or makeup to look, sound , or be accepted in society as female.

my questions are: who of you are transition or die?
                        and why do you feel that way?


i'm asking because i'm not suicidal and trying to figure out if i am the only one. i'm looking for this to be a very hot topic, so let the wrath begin, if there is any...

Continuing to live as a guy was effectively a slow "suicide" as part of me was dying every day.

FTR this is precisely how I phrased it sometimes in the past.  However, I don't think it's possible to answer this question to your satisfaction Mickie because we come from two different places.  You have said in the past:

i will state for the record i am TS, i do want surgery, just not now, i'm not ready for it nor have the expenses. my wife thought that i was only a CD when we married and I could have swore i told her i was transgendered before we got married. I do want hrt, i'm just like completely terrified of needles. in my EXPERIENCES, and experiences only, i don't believe it is necessary for everyone.

This is an example of statements I've heard you utter that say "transgender" to me.  Transition without HRT?  That's ludicrous if you ask me.  I needed HRT to banish the noise in my head and to calm me.  And before you say it's psychosomatic, remember I've been on HRT for 4.5 years and I still feel great.  I never want to stop taking it.  I even went to 2 surgeons that allow you to stay on HRT right through surgery.  But the effects weren't limited to making me feel better, it also changed my body to something more desirable.  It made my skin softer and drier, changed my nails, my hair (including body hair reduction), my senses of smell, taste and touch, and it even changed my eye color!  It gave me a semblance of hips/butt, modest breast growth and I shrunk 1/2 an inch.  I wanted it all, and in my way of thinking that's another defining characteristic of being born transsexual: You want to be what you should have been as much as possible.  I'm done transition and now, for all intents and purposes, am the woman I should have been.  You, however, think some of it is unnecessary and would like to opt out of certain things.  You don't have that need, that desire to be all you should have been.  That's what separates someone born transsexual and someone who's transgendered.


Different needs, different perspectives, different goals; that's why I believe this question can't be fully answered.  You can't really relate to my experience because you haven't lived it.

[Steph]

If I may...

For me it was transition or die, even die trying.  As with Tink, I was not a man, even though I did everything in my power to try and be a man, no matter what I did I was still stuck with a horribly deformed body.  Like many I even thought of suicide for if I could not be happy, and live my life as it was meant to be, what the heck is the point.  I guess I could have "Sucked it up" so to speak and got on with my life, but what kind of a life would it have been.

I tried many things, even self mutilation to alleviate the pain and anguish but it didn't work, and so it got to the point where I had to make a decision; Live a happy life, or end a morbid one.  The choice was simple.

Steph

[Sheila]

I have been depressed all my life. I thought it might have been my living conditions. I knew that I was female and I tried to be male. I really tried. I know when I was 15/16 I was going to commit suicide as my living conditions were not all that well and I was an outcast as I didn't fit in with the boys and I wasn't a girl. I was alone. I was left in charge of my family at age 9 and I was just tired. I chicken out but that is another story. I did at age 48 try to down some pills. I just wanted to go to sleep andnever wake up. I had been crossdressing quite a bit then and realized that I could not pass and my wife said she would leave me and that I had this picture of what I didn't want to be. Of course it didn't work out, I went to the hospital and got my stomach pumped and the started seeing a therapist. It is funny how a simple little surgery in the genital area cures depression. I'm no longer depressed. Sure, I have my ups and downs, but nothing like I was before.
Sheila

[mickiejr1815]

for all those, that wondered about my wrath questions, there has been a little bit shown. yes, i admit, i haven't lived any one of your lives. there are so many days i don't want to live mine. i'll admit, i may just be transgender, or even bi-gendered. i only utter my statements because they are true, some people just accept me as a feminine guy(like the redneck coworkers i have), but i am always working on getting them and everyone around them to addres me properly. even if i am bi-gendered, i am still more on the female side rather than male, i could throw all my male clothing away and it wouldn't bother me a bit, but i keep it, because my wife wears it and looks ever so sexy in it. and some days i have that overwhelming desire be completely female and other days, i just want to be me. i've repeatedly told my wife ince i met her that i want my own set of breasts and an ass that cloely resembled hers. i am happy to see all the responses i got and hope to see more, it does help me a lot more than you think. it's like i told Amanda, i do want hrt to make sure it is what i want, but the last thing i'm going to do is self-medicate myself. around here i'll be honest, there really aren't a lot of therapists who deal with GID in my immediate area, not to mention it isn't all that easy for me to get somebody to watch my kids while i go to therapy. tbh, you guys have been a real big support group for me to do a lot of stuff that i wouldn't have done with just the encouragement from my wife when i do get it. my desire may not be that strong for everything yet, i am still quite young, but as many of you said, it usually only gets worse.

i've felt like quite a lot of you, i never fit in with the guys at all, i have very few guy friends and plenty of girl friends. i posted these questions to see if i was the only one who was not suicidal about her decision, because yes i am in the process of transitioning at work, i am getting the information and hopefully the money around to change my name. it's like i told my sister the other day, i have been and always will be Mickie. that will never change. yes, i want sort of "opt" out of a lot things, like changing some laws as i live in Ohio. here we don't recognize same sex marriage or anything of the like, nor do we change gender markers on birth certificates, and if we could we still have to catch the woman at the dmv in a very very very good mood, which to be honest, i have caught maybe since i have been driving and the last time i went to that dmv she was gone. i also posted another thread on here about if anyone had transitioned with hrt and a few others actually have, i have been told by three other ts women that i am excellent candidate for transitioning just based on body structure alone, yes i know my mental state has to be there as well, that's where therapy comes in, i can hopefully go talk to someone who suppose to be neutral on the situation and hopefully unlock the gates to hrt for me. my wife told me a while back to take her birth control as it had extremely low doses of estrogen in it, she said she did notice some changes in me and i did as well.  i'm just waiting and questioning as any girl would do...lol


thanks all,
Mickie
Warrior Princes

[Blanche]

If I were living as my old persona, maybe I wouldn't be dead in the literal sense, but I'd be part of the living dead, a much more cruel, morbid way to stay "alive".

[TheBattler]

Yeap, It applied to me.

Back in the dark past (which seams like a lifetime but is only 14 months ago), I was there, Transition or die. I had heard it a lot on the forums and did not think it would apply to me untill my depression hit me down the gutter. Once I knew I guess there was no turning back even though I wanted to turn and run as quickly as possible. I was become the living dead.

Alice