I go by Kristie. I have known since I was a child that I was born with the wrong body, I use to pray for God to transform me into a girl when i was quite young, even prior to puberty. I've had the usual, or perhaps not, mental and emotional, and sometimes, physical abuse by others throughout my whole life, "sissy"..."->-bleeped-<-got"... you know the names they use. I remember when I was about 11 at the beach, wearing a bathing suit and no top, my syrophome surfbaord was caught by the wind on the beach and a woman no more than ten feet from me said: "Little girl your surfboard's blowing away." As an adult, I figured I was "gay" so I have lived most of my adult life as a gay male, however, I have never gotten very sexually stimulated being with a gay man, and have never had an orgasm with one. I can watch gay porno all day long and it does nothing for me. Hetero Porno, stimulates me, because I can place myself in the role of the woman who stimulates a straight male. Since puberty, when i became sexually "active", I spent night after night fantisizing that I was being made love to by a fellow classmate or even a teacher, and i visualized having breasts and a vagina, the stimulation of my penis was simply a means to an end, feeling sexual release and satisfaction as being made love to as if i were a woman.
It's also strange that as an adult, even now, I can go into a jiffy mart or at a restaurant with a baseball cap on and three days growth of beard and am looked right in the face and habitually referred to as "ma'am." This is with trying my best NOT to appear as a woman, perhaps it's something in my eyes or the way i hold myself.
I have no doubts that I am a woman in mind and heart and soul and am just now cautiously considering gender reassignment. I've read the information here about HRT, and was a bit alarmed by the possible physical/emotional side effects of HRT, such as blood clots. It would be more helpful to know an actual percentage rate of such accurances. .2% of blood clots forming is much less frightening than 5.0% of such a thing occuring.
I'd like to ask, for anyone interested, if they have any idea the frequency of such side effects of HRT happening, is it influenced by age? or smoker/non-smoker?...etc. I have been seeing a regular psychotherapist for three years now, and was actually a psychotherpist myself for twelve years, holding a master's degree in clinical psychology. However, three years ago I developed Panic Disorder which runs through my paternal grandmother's family, almost always effecting the females, such as my grandmother's sister, who was agorophobic actually along with her panic disorder. I am on SSDI currently, living with my parents, I"m 46 years young. People are always shocked when i tell them my age, they think i may be in my mid-thirties or so. I have never felt like a "man" in my whole life, always a female.
At this point, I'm considering going ahead with removal of my facial hair, at least i might not ever have to shave again. And also perhaps buying and wearing some women's clothing like panties, socks, shoes, jewelry, etc. and possibly just a touch of makeup and clear nail polish...things like that. I don't have a lot of money, although I do have Medicare/Medicade. I have a beautiful head of thick black hair and usually keep a sort of uni-sex hairstyle, medium long.
If I begin this journey, I want to take it to it's complete end, meaning gender reassignment surgery, which of course is costly. Also, if anyone has any thoughts concerning oral vs. injectable HRT. I know the oral is metabolized by the liver, which I would imagine is not a good thing over the course of a lifetime. And by the way, since I was a kid, I was not overweight, but I always have had a layer of fatty tissue I imagine in my breasts. There's no incidence of breast cancer in either side of my family, so I suppose I"m not too concerned about that.
I think I would be able to, over time, acquire the monies for gender reassignment surgery...I'm not particularly interested in HRT and stopping there. But I find myself flip-flopping back and forth, not as to whether I'm a woman or not,, I know that I am, but whether or not the possible side effects of HRT are ubiquitous enough to be of a real concern. Anyone who can address this issue please do so. I'm a person who needs to know all the pros and cons of something before I make a final decision. I also, just as a side-line, am interested in folk like us and how they managed through life PRIOR to there being the possibility of changing their gender. To find the journal of such a person from a hundred or longer years ago would be such a valuable thing to have.
I'm sure that an endocrinologist (sp?) could answer most of these questions, but I'd rather hear it from the ones who have actually had HRT and how you thought about the risks involved and how you went ahead full-steam in spite of them. I welcome any dialogue re anything I've discussed, some sisterly support wouldn't hurt either. Thanks for your time and in advance I thank those who respond to this post and their help. Kristie
