FALLEN - When the sum of one womans greatest fear come true

[Chynna]

I only post this to provide a further explaination of a post I made in another thread.
And to maybe just maybe I can alter someones outlook on life Or at the very leastTouch a spot in someones heart & soul that we all rarely share with one another.

What was the event in your life that made you transition?
As I read that thread I realized that this was one of the rare moments in my life that I had a problem being completly open and honest and for that I apologize to myself and to all you. The event I speak of is how I became infected with HIV.
The day\night I actually contracted the diesease is unimportant but to say that I and my immature behavoir of thinking I was hot & sexy walking around @ 3/4AM dressed in the clothes I was in  probabley contributed to the reason why this "man" felt compelled to sexually assault me at gun point.
The memories of that event are scattered and somewhat blocked out by my subconcious
I remeber being pushed out of this man truck as if I was some piece of garbage. I remeber the pain i felt when this man insisted on having intercourse with me without a condom. and I remember the disgusting feeling I felt has this man climaxed as I bleed and felt our two bodily fluids intermix

Has I sat in the ER that morning giving what information I could to "whomever I was actually talking to I just keep thinking to myself "I hope this man didn't give me anything"
at the time not even thinking of HIV I was more concerned with "lesser" STD's  (if there are such a thing)
Because I never had an STD (being a woman who always practice safe sex especially being as premiscuous as I was) until i contracted one of the deadliest around.
The doctor that morning reminded me to get tested in 3 months incriments over the course of the next 9 months to ensure I was not infect with HIV. They released me from the hospital that afternoon 
(At my request\demand I just wanted to be home in my own bed in my safety zone)
But advised me to seek counseling\therapy for my ordeal ...
"not my style I was down this road before just got off at a different exit"
It was late April 2005

The first test came back negative a huge weight lift off my concouse as i was more confident I had put this event in the past. by the time i had to go for a second test I noticed I had developed "what I thought to be and diagnosed by dr's as a skin infection" Has I called my doctor to retrieve my test results HIV and a whole bunch of other things to try and narrow down the cause of my skin infection. He calmly ask "when is the next time I have you scheduled for a visit" I replied "2weeks"
He said "I need to see you before that like tomorrow'
Fear set into my heart as I asked why "he simply said I can't legally say over the phone but to say the one test I didn't want to come back positive did."
I knew precisely what that meant without him out flat telling me.
It was November 2005

I repeatadly cryed continously over the next 3-4 weeks. Contemplating seroiusly suicide because I didn't want to die painfully and slowly from some illiness in some hospital bed.
I kept asking myself "Why me?....What have I done to deserve this?...."
I then realized I was asking the wrong person these questions.

the day of this mans trial as I was on the stand and Identified him as the man who sexually assaulted me I walked off the stand and proceeded to exit the court room the entire time I couldn't stop starring at him He would not look at me until i got right along side him and I stop looked him in his eyes and just said "WHY?" as I was escorted out I heard him say simply "I have a problem"
He served only 6 months
since because of my premiscous nature it could not be proven without a shadow of doubt he infected me
" I have a problem" was all the explination and restituation I had
Since this all happened I have a problem with anyone touching me physically with the exception of my best friend & my BF
The time was now December 22, 2005


I post this not to generate your sympathy or for compassion..
I post this in the hopes that everyone with hatred or fear can just simply let it go.
How\Why do I forgive this man and so many individuals for the pain and the suffering they have bought me?
It could be Im full of BS trying to paint this "lil perfect angel" picture for all to see
(but those who read my thoughts should know the complete opposite about me)
But it could be that I realize that for me not to forgive any individual for thier flaws is for me to arrogantly presume I myslef am without flaws and perfect..and have the right to judge anyone.
By forgiving them I ask everyone to forgive me for my flaws & imperfections & the times I may myself have hurt or inflicted pain on someone even if it was unintentional on my behalf
To forgive is to acknowledge We are all capable of mistakes
A lesson life I has tought me more than once

 

Aspiring only to be me
Chynna 

Collecting my thoughts for a time so please excuse me if I seem anti social

[Kate]

God, Chynna ... just... damn.

I know you don't want sympathy, but... I wish I could wrap my arms around you and just hug you all day.

[Melissa]

How\Why do I forgive this man and so many individuals for the pain and the suffering they have bought me?
It could be Im full of BS trying to paint this "lil perfect angel" picture for all to see
(but those who read my thoughts should know the complete opposite about me)
But it could be that I realize that for me not to forgive any individual for thier flaws is for me to arrogantly presume I myslef am without flaws and perfect..and have the right to judge anyone.
By forgiving them I ask everyone to forgive me for my flaws & imperfections & the times I may myself have hurt or inflicted pain on someone even if it was unintentional on my behalf
To forgive is to acknowledge We are all capable of mistakes
A lesson life I has tought me more than once
 

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

You are a strong person Chynna and I look up to you for that. 

Melissa

[NightAngel]

Oh no, not you dear Chynna  , why all the bad things happen to the best people on this world???

Since this all happened I have a problem with anyone touching me physically with the exception of my best friend & my BF

I really wish to be one of your best friends, to hold your hand and support you when you feeling down!!
Love U Chynna!!

Take care sweetie,


* *

Michelle

[Melissa]

Oh no, not you dear Chynna  , why all the bad things happen to the best people on this world???

Maybe they end up being the best people in the world because they have these things happen to them.

Melissa

[Kimberly]

...
But it could be that I realize that for me not to forgive any individual for thier flaws is for me to arrogantly presume I myslef am without flaws and perfect..and have the right to judge anyone.
...

You are an inspiration Chynna.

Someone I hold in very high regard once thanked me for simply being me. Not often do I come across people in this life that make me feel the same.

Chynna, thank you for being you.

[Chaunte]

You are an inspiration Chynna.

Someone I hold in very high regard once thanked me for simply being me. Not often do I come across people in this life that make me feel the same.

Chynna, thank you for being you.

Amen! 

[Kate Thomas]

Chynna
In each of your posts, You touch a spot  within my soul.

Kate Alice

[tinkerbell]

Dear Chynna:
   I told you once, and I am going to tell you once again, you're a very special woman, and I have learned a lot from you since I began posting here.  You are the best example of what a UNIQUE person is, and although we don't know each other personally, I feel like I have known you my entire life.
    Thank you for teaching us so much about life; like many others on this site, I now feel the need to hug you and tell you that you have touched my heart.

love,

tinkerbell

[Elizabeth]

Chynna,

Thankyou for sharing your story with us. I am so glad to see that you are not consumed with hate and anger.  There are a lot of people who died today that did not leave thier house knowing it was going to be the last time they left thier house. When I leave my house for the last time, I don't want to be consumed with hate, fear and anger.  Since, like all the unfortunate people that accidentally lost thier lives today, I don't know when that is going to be, I am forced to live my life without hate, fear and anger, every moment of everyday.

It seems you have learned the same lesson. I find it inspiring and an affirmation of my own beleifs on this matter. Oh yeah, thanks for being you, you are special.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Jillieann Rose]

Here's a hug from me.
I will repeat what tinkerbell said," Thank you for teaching us so much about life; like many others on this site, I now feel the need to hug you and tell you that you have touched my heart."

Jillieann

[michelle]

Thanks for your story.

[HelenW]

I haven't posted on this thread until now because I simply do not know how to put the thoughts and emotions that I had reading your story into the  appropriate words.

Then Michelle said them for me.

Thanks for your story.

And, also, thanks for providing an example of what probably is one of the best ways to deal with the sort of violation that you had to endure.  I wish you well and continued expansion toward where we all should be wanting to go.

helen