Hi Rana
Thank you for the kind words.
To follow my example is not something I would encourage anyone to do. For I have already caused pain and sorry to my wife and children. I'm slowly pushing my wife way passed anything she would except before. She knows I wear only women's under things. She knows that I pluck my eyebrows and remove all the hair from my body. She knows that I'm trying to grow long finger nails and that I paint my toe nails. I have pushed our relationship a long ways. A couple of times she has wanted to leave me and almost did.
So how do I respond? Slowly step by agonizing, step I continue pushing forward trying to be accepted by the world and loved by my family for the woman I am. I really can't stop it is a driving force I need to be all that I am inside. I want this in-between state to end. I'm driven by this desire of having people knowing the real me. I don't want to pretend to be a male someone anymore.
But I really fear telling my Dad or Mom. I was the only male, physically, child that they had. I'm almost sure that my Dad would think that I'm possessed or at least controlled by a demon. So at this point I will just pretend that I'm their boy when I'm around them.
I have also enjoyed reading your postings with interest, because as Chynna said I see you as a person who has a mature, balanced approach too. Your postings you have made me stop and take another look at what ever the subject it was on. Thank you.
I always enjoyed the older sci-fi movies and books. I did get into Star Trek and Star Wars stuff. And I have read many of the Star Wars novels. I also liked the old Battlestar Galatia and later the Babylon 5 shows. Dr. Smith was a selfish, paranoid, fearful man.
All of the things that I hate, that have until recently, controlled me and I fear still sometimes do.
Read on to understand what I'm talking about.Hi Alice and KateAlice,
What more can I say about the two natures that have feuded within me for years. Unlike other that I have read about at Susan's I took the easy way and I created "him" as a device to protect the real me and keep me safe by doing what others expected of me. What happen was that I imprisoned myself in a shell because of fear of people. When ever hurt came alone we would put it in another cell where I could not feel it. This shell eventually took on a personality of its own and I lost control. As an adult I lost the ability to feel much joy. Yes there were exceptions like the birth of my grandchildren. And love is a very strong feeling and the only one I had for most of my adult years. Love for my wife and family and love for God. Oh and physical sexy but it was never enough, I always craved more.
Slowly over the last 15 years I have been coming out of this prison cell (him).
First it began to make the choice that I wanted even if other didn't like it.
Later I began to do things that other would think was extreme. Than after 24yrs at a factory job I was terminated so I went back to college. After graduating I got a career in the computer field, something I had wanted to do for years. Then last fall the protector / jailer (he) and I said to ourself, "The Hell with what others think. The real person inside, is coming out, I will be who I was always meant to be."
That was the beginning of real change in my life. Yes I have had struggles with myself since then, but (we) I am now together in this and becoming one.
I am still trying to remember what cause all that fear when I was very young person that created him in the first place.
I'm now beginning to think, act and living as a woman at least inside. Someday I hope to be that way on the outside too.
Thanks for asking about my two natures ladies because this has helped me by clarify my thinking. I hope this make some sense to you.
Thank you Robyn for the information.
Jillieann
