Androgyne - blessing or curse ?

[Kinkly]

Has being androgyne been more of a blessing or a curse for you?

there are both good and bad parts for me.
what are the good & bad things for you?

[Lokaeign]

I regard my androgynous nature as a blessing in the entirely literal sense--a gift from my God.  He blesses kind of hard sometimes, hehe.

Good parts:  Although I have a lot to learn, I'll never be gender normative.  I'll never look at a woman and think of her as a "man in a dress," or look at a man and think of him as other than a man because he has trans history.  Or look at a man in a dress and think he should be wearing trousers, for that matter.  I'll never accuse loving parents of "experimenting" on their children when they accept their child's assertion of hir gender.  While I may slip up from time to time, they will be genuine errors:  I'll never put anyone's pronoun in scare quotes or insist on deliberately using the old name instead of their real name.  And my life will be infinately richer thereby. 

I will also never find myself saying "I hate men!" or "I hate women!" cuz either way I'd be hating a part of myself. 

Spiritually I am enriched by being 3rd-gendered. 


Bad parts:  People yelling at me in the street because I'm not "doing" female acceptably, my clothes not fitting right, my body not fitting right.  Feeling like there's no place for me in the world.  Feeling guilty that I could not function in my assigned gender.  Feeling anxious in case I'm not 3rd "enough" and am appropriating a label from people who really need/deserve it. 

Not really knowing where to go from here in terms of an honourable life path, either in the spiritual/religious context or in the social and political context (not to mention the huge overlap on that Venn diagram).

[Constance]

In some ways, it seems a curse. If I was completely one way or the other, it seems it would be easier to fit into society.

Now, I feel I should define what I mean by "fit in." I don't me to lock into step, and march blindly on. For me, "fitting in" is more like a camoflage issue. I wouldn't stand out in any particular way. I would "fit in" like a piece in a puzzle; just a part of the whole.

How could being an androgyne be a blessing? I feel like it should be, but I can't seem to explain why right now. It's just what I am; I've made peace with that. But right now, I'm having trouble finding the "blessing" in being the tertiary in a world that seems built more around the binary.

[lacitychick21]

I think it depends where you are in your transition for it to be a good or bad thing... or at least that was my perspective on it.

Pre-FT, andro was the coolest thing in the world. I didn't mind if people sir'd or miss'ed me because in my eyes, I was presenting as a boy. So "sir" was fine, that's what I let myself believe. "Miss" was just sweet desert!

After FT, you believe yourself to present as female so "sir" carries a hypersensitive sting.

I was so afraid of "not passing" I waited waaaay too long to go FT. I pretty much was forced into full-time. I was so afraid of letting go of that comfort zone that I actually started to take steps backward! I went back to wearing more boyish clothes, and forced my voice as deep as possible. When nothing I tried would get me sir'd, I realized I was no longer andro, so I went FT. 

Edit: OMG! OK... I didn't realize this was the Andro forum. Please forgive the newb's TS perspective. If it bothers anyone, let me know and I can delete it. Or, if a mod thinks it's inappropriate, please delete it.

[Shana A]

Among the blessings;

I've gained a unique perspective, not seeing things either in a typical male or female way.

The wonderful relationships with other gender variant people I've met because of my being androgyne and transgender.

Some truly interesting experiences that I wouldn't have otherwise had if I weren't non binary.

A nice wardrobe combining male and female clothing

Among the curses;

Not always being able to express my full gender safely in a binary world without discrimination.

Not really ever quite fitting in with either binary gender.

Zythyra

[queerunity]

i dont classify myself as androgyne necesarily but i feel i embrace my masculine and feminine sides of my personality.  sometimes i consider it a blessing to see things from multiple perspectives and enjoy that.  other times i feel lost in such a gender binary divided world.

[Eva Marie]

As with all things in the androgyne world there are at least two ways to look at being one 

Good - I am not limited by a binary point of view. I can usually see all sides of an issue. For this reason many people seek me out to help council them with issues. I am able to connect with my wife at a level that most men cannot. I am not driven to kill myself at work by working 80 hour weeks trying to get ahead. I am a better father to my daughters. I am free to be whoever I want to be without regards to accepted binary standards. I have a rare ability to live life in a way that most cannot. I am far more calmer than a lot of men I know. I can figure out people's motives before they become apparent to other people.

Difficulties (I won't say bad) - having some degree of a female inhabiting a male body, having trouble fitting into a binary world, knowing why I am like I am and not really being able to discuss it with people I know (without them thinking i'm some kind of freak), having no close male friends because we don't have much in common (viewpoints, hobbies, etc). Not fitting into a very competitive male work world (i know that the males i work with see me as different, they just can't figure out why  ). Sometimes the male and female in me conflict and cause dark times. Since i'm "stuck" in the middle I cannot resolve these conflicts with SRS or HRT; a female body would not make me happier - my conflict will always be with me. And finally, I have very hard feelings for the difficulties that this caused me when I was growing up, I still carry some of the scars of those years now.

[Casey]

I'd have to say it's been more of a blessing than a curse.

Good things:
* I deal with people, not genders. I still don't understand that there's a difference between a male doctor and a female doctor for instance, so I just go by who's a good doctor.
* Being able to cross that "scary" divide between male and female and just do what comes naturally.
* Being part of a community like this.

Bad things:
* Always having to make a distinction between my sex and my gender.
* Not being understood by people at large and even some people within the Transgender community.

[nathan]

It's a curse.  It's a *^@%!%&* no-win, good-for-nothing curse. 


/feeling emo today
//femme phase
///slashies on Susan's

[Simone Louise]

I always knew I was different. So, even though I had close friends of various sexes and genders, I spent a lot of time alone: playing, reading, lying on my back staring at the clouds, walking or bicycling. I dreamed of living by myself among the forest animals. It was only in recent years, I learned that there is a dreamy kind of ADD that describes me, and there is something called an androgyne that probably includes my gender. What's more, I'm not the only person in the world that acts and thinks as I do.

For years, I identified myself as an underachiever and not-a-real boy/man. My biggest worry when I first married was "What if we have a son?" I was sure my son would spot me as a faker--and despise me. Even just a few years ago, one of my wife's friends told her that I was no longer welcome in her house because her husband and his friends couldn't relate to me. And I still get excited when my wife and daughter are out of town and I have the house all to myself.

As many of you have written, I've felt I could see the various sides to any question and had insight to people's motives. I knew what it was to feel hopeless, and wanted to help others live, rather than merely exist. Feeling freer to express myself as an androgyne may be making it easier to play a masculine role when required. This week, on two different days at work, two different supervisors have said to me: "You are the MAN!", and I have squelched the urge to look them in the eye and reply: "You gotta be kidding!"

Knowing I am androgyne has improved my love life, too. I've been willing to ask for what I need. My wife has been willing to trade roles sometimes, and we've both enjoyed the result.

So, I guess I'd say, when I understand myself and can take advantage of who I am, it's a blessing to be androgyne. When I'm tired, don't compensate, or just plain slip, I sure do curse myself. Finally, if I dwell on past mistakes, I will make more new ones--so I don't dwell.

Thanks be to Nero and the unicorns in this forest,
S

[Kinkly]

Thanks for all replys

For me The blessing
comes in being able to merge the creativity with the logic and see the beauty in the boring and merge emotion with practicality


the curse

my true self will not match my physical self and still be accepted.
relationships - females only like me as a friend
never really fitting in

The  best thing is when somebody comments about you being weird - in a good /complementary way.
The worst thing is when somebody comments about you being weird - in a bad /hurtful way.

feel free to change the word weird to special/unique/freak I personally find special & unique hurtful     

[Nero]

I always knew I was different. So, even though I had close friends of various sexes and genders, I spent a lot of time alone: playing, reading, lying on my back staring at the clouds, walking or bicycling. I dreamed of living by myself among the forest animals. It was only in recent years, I learned that there is a dreamy kind of ADD that describes me, and there is something called an androgyne that probably includes my gender. What's more, I'm not the only person in the world that acts and thinks as I do.

For years, I identified myself as an underachiever and not-a-real boy/man. My biggest worry when I first married was "What if we have a son?" I was sure my son would spot me as a faker--and despise me. Even just a few years ago, one of my wife's friends told her that I was no longer welcome in her house because her husband and his friends couldn't relate to me. And I still get excited when my wife and daughter are out of town and I have the house all to myself.

As many of you have written, I've felt I could see the various sides to any question and had insight to people's motives. I knew what it was to feel hopeless, and wanted to help others live, rather than merely exist. Feeling freer to express myself as an androgyne may be making it easier to play a masculine role when required. This week, on two different days at work, two different supervisors have said to me: "You are the MAN!", and I have squelched the urge to look them in the eye and reply: "You gotta be kidding!"

Knowing I am androgyne has improved my love life, too. I've been willing to ask for what I need. My wife has been willing to trade roles sometimes, and we've both enjoyed the result.

So, I guess I'd say, when I understand myself and can take advantage of who I am, it's a blessing to be androgyne. When I'm tired, don't compensate, or just plain slip, I sure do curse myself. Finally, if I dwell on past mistakes, I will make more new ones--so I don't dwell.

Thanks be to Nero and the unicorns in this forest,
S

You're most welcome Simone. 

I really relate to the 'faker' thing you described. All my life, females have always saw me as an outsider. Unlike a lot of transfolk, that was not what I wanted. I did not want to be different, male inside, I just was. My biggest fear growing up was that people would see my insides and know I wasn't a real girl. But they always knew I wasn't genuine. I was a misfit, send it back to the manufacturer, it's damaged goods. As a result, I've always been rather timid with females, flinching as if they'll strike me.

[Lukas-H]

I always knew I was different. So, even though I had close friends of various sexes and genders, I spent a lot of time alone: playing, reading, lying on my back staring at the clouds, walking or bicycling. I dreamed of living by myself among the forest animals. It was only in recent years, I learned that there is a dreamy kind of ADD that describes me, and there is something called an androgyne that probably includes my gender. What's more, I'm not the only person in the world that acts and thinks as I do.

That sounds exactly like me! I spent loads of time when I was younger always alone and doing solo things and perfectly happy about it. I'm actually still this way, but I do very much enjoy the company of a select handful of people.

As far as Kinkly's question goes, I consider it both ways sometimes. Usually I consider it something that makes me feel maybe a little special, but I don't like admitting it because I don't want to seem egotistical. I think it makes me feel a little special because I try to see all sides of things. I didn't used to be this way though. But now before I make a judgment about something I try to look at all sides because it seems to be the only fair way to me.

The fact that I don't consider myself of either binary gender and instead just a person and therefore not trying to fit into a stereotype or a preconceived ideal frees up both my emotional and rational sides to make choices, decisions and judgments with as much neutrality as I can muster should the need arise.

I do know that ever since I started trying my hardest to look at every single person as a person and not something else, I've felt much happier and more comfortable with myself.

The downside is that not everyone has understood when I explained it to them, but I have yet to have a highly negative response, but that's probably because I've been selective about who I've told. Another downside I've found is because I see myself as being parts of both gender, sometimes I feel like I ought to have body parts of both gender to match. I know that not all androgynes feel this way but I do suffer some GID sometimes and it can be challenging to deal with.

[Kinkly]

The downside is that not everyone has understood when I explained it to them, but I have yet to have a highly negative response, but that's probably because I've been selective about who I've told. Another downside I've found is because I see myself as being parts of both gender, sometimes I feel like I ought to have body parts of both gender to match. I know that not all androgynes feel this way but I do suffer some GID sometimes and it can be challenging to deal with.

you hit the nail on the head "Thats me"

[Eva Marie]

I always knew I was different. So, even though I had close friends of various sexes and genders, I spent a lot of time alone: playing, reading, lying on my back staring at the clouds, walking or bicycling. I dreamed of living by myself among the forest animals. It was only in recent years, I learned that there is a dreamy kind of ADD that describes me, and there is something called an androgyne that probably includes my gender. What's more, I'm not the only person in the world that acts and thinks as I do.

Same here. When I was a kid I had a dirt bike and I could ride deep into the woods, shut off the bike, and enjoy the solitude. I much preferred playing by myself most times, and happiness was reading an interesting book alone in my room.

ADD? Interesting. Do you have any more info on that?

[Simone Louise]

ADD? Interesting. Do you have any more info on that?

Yes, I do have books, magazines, and urls. Here is a quote from the magazine to which I subscribe, ADDitude, that describes symptoms: "Another reason that ADHD is often missed in girls is that they're more likely than boys to suffer from inattentive ADHD. The symptoms of this sub-type (which include poor attention to detail, limited attention span, forgetfulness, distractibility, and failure to finish assigned activities) tend to be less disruptive and obvious than those of hyperactive ADHD. Put simply, a (hyperactive) boy who repeatedly bangs on his desk will be noticed before the (inattentive) girl who twirls her hair while staring out the window. 'I believe I was overlooked for so long because I didn't show hyperactivity the way my two brothers with ADHD have,' says Burns."

Like gender stuff, ADD is noticeable early in life and seems to be related to brain chemistry. It typically continues into adulthood, though one learns techniques to compensate along the way. There's a book with the title, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid Or Crazy, that pretty well sums up how I felt upon diagnosis seven years ago.

ADD has its blessings, too. One is called hyperfocus, which allows concentrating on a task to the exclusion of the rest of the world. That came in very handy when programming computers. My wife still passes detail work to me, because, if I am interested, I will attack it until called off--like a dog and a rag. On the other hand, if I can't develop an interest, that task will sit in my to-dos forever.

If you want a longer exchange about ADD, feel free to send me a message.

May androgyneity be a blessing to you,
S

[Jaimey]

I thinks it's more blessing than curse.

Blessings:
I could care less about gender/sex/sexual preference/whatever.  I'm more open minded.
I see people for WHO they instead of WHAT.  (see above)
The pre-gendered thing has allowed me to maintain a bright, clear eyed, curiosity about the world and to not be mired down in adult things.  I don't get caught up in little things.  Kids understand love.  They don't worry about what the people down the street think about them.

Biggest blessing.  If I weren't androgyne, I wouldn't be me.  And I like me, whether anyone else does or not.

Curse:
I can't be what I want.  I have a female body and I've accepted it, but it's not what I want. 
People don't understand me and it's hard for me to have a place among people, especially my family.  But I do have a few people who get me and I'd rather have a few who do get me than pretend to be someone else and have 50 people who understand that false identity.

So, blessing.

[Pica Pica]

i agree with what most people above have said.

i feel all this stuff gives me a different way to look at the world, the bad side is that i feel i have to constantly explain myself.

i was a bit down on the whole androgyne thing before reading this post, but again the little sparks of recognition happened.

so thanks souls, it helped.

[Lukas-H]

i agree with what most people above have said.

i feel all this stuff gives me a different way to look at the world, the bad side is that i feel i have to constantly explain myself.

i was a bit down on the whole androgyne thing before reading this post, but again the little sparks of recognition happened.

so thanks souls, it helped.

And you mentioned something that I forgot as a downside. I didn't think then but now looking back I too often feel like I need to explain myself (for whatever reason) even though often there is nothing to explain

[Jaimey]

I get a little irritated when I have to explain myself because I can't understand what's not to get...heh.