When you look in the mirror...

[Nero]

Even if I could make this 5'6 body look more masculine, it is not going to turn into the 6'2 male I know and feel I am. I know how I am supposed to look and without major alterations and surgery, plus a bit of magic, I am not going to manage that one.

That sucks, Gregori. I am fortunate in that, I am a short guy on the inside as well as the outside.
This may be because if I were a bio-guy, I most likely would have been short anyway, as my grandfather and uncles were all very short, right around my height actually.

I am in such a mess that I cringe at the thought of showering, I avoid looking "down" for any reason,...

I have this problem as well. When I am naked, I see a man with breasts (firm, extremely feminine breasts), and it just does not look right. They don't fit with the rest of my body, and it looks very wrong. I also hate that I have to wear a shirt at the pool - all these hot chicks in bikinis sunning themselves at my complex's pool and I have to hide this divine figure of mine under a tank top.

I know it sucks, man. Hang in there. I'm trying to.
I would also be interested in what Gregori really looks like, besides being 6'2, if you're willing to share.
It would help me visualize when I read your posts.

Nero

[umop ap!sdn]

Even if I could make this 5'6" body look more masculine, it is not going to turn into the 6'2" male I know and feel I am.

I'm the other way around. I'm somewhere around 6'1" but feel like I should be much smaller. I know there are tall women (models, for instance) and that some have a wide bust, but that's just not me. I should be petite and cute.

Can I give you some of my excess height?

[Kate]

I'm the other way around. I'm somewhere around 6'1" but feel like I should be much smaller. I know there are tall women (models, for instance) and that some have a wide bust, but that's just not me. I should be petite and cute.

For what it's worth Julie, I never realized you were tall... I've always imagined you being petite - that's always been your "essence" to me, if not the physical reality.

My mental image of myself is of a taller woman... but more like 5'9", not the actual 6'2" I'd LIKE to have been smaller than even that, but I guess I'm picturing what I woulda been had the chromosomes been xx.

When I look in the mirror, I see a rather ugly woman. Which is somewhat insane, as intellectually I know I'm a guy physically - and I should judge my looks AS a guy. But instead, I just see the male traits as deformities... whiskers, manly nose, manly cheeks, etc., which just depresses the heck out of me.

The subject of body dysmorphic disorder was mentioned in other threads, and it sometimes does make me wonder. I mean, you'd think I'd still be able to look in the mirror and think, "well, I look OK for a guy, I just wish I could look female." But instead, I can't seem to seperate the two, and I'm left with "you're one ugly female."

[Nero]

In my quest for truth I used to ingest psychomemetric substances, and fairly frequently. When checking the mirror, it would usually morph or melt down to a strangely familiar ancient woman of I donno, east Indian or Egyptian race.
That's a little weird for what was ostensibly a white boy. Now those two different views are merging for real. Only half as ancient.
It's been a trip.

That's wild. Who do you suppose the ancient woman was?

Nero

[Kate]

Indian blood runs strong in my family as well.  A dominant gene carries strong cheekbones prominent in the women of my family.  Chief Massasoit was one of my ancestors.  I wonder if I could start a casino on my land?

I wouldn't bet on it

Oh stop booing me ya all... you know you wanted to say it...

[Kate]

Why doesn't Kate post her real pic?

Ah, but which is "real?"

The true illusion created through Dermablend and plastic hair?

Or the false reality of the physical self?

In either case, someone is being deceived. Which provokes a moral dilemna a bit like HAL in 2001. In all choices I am a criminal.

[Karin]

Almost, but not quite the woman I am.  There's a male overlay on my features.  I understand that something can be done about that...

[tinkerbell]

Lately...I see a woman who is very scared....


tinkerbell

[tinkerbell]

And Tinkerbell, from my side looking in on you, I see a warm, caring, and most compassionate woman. She is so sweet and reaches out to help anyone.  You have touched me in a very constructive way. I'm proud to say that I know you.

Cindi

Hi Cindi:   

Your words are very much appreciated!  Thank you!


tinkerbell

[DawnL]

In my old life, I did not look in the mirror, I did not look at photographs of myself, and if I had to shave, I concentrated on the blade and looked past the rest of me.  I still cannot look at old photos of myself, or if I happen to see one, I feel revulsion.  I certainly never looked myself in the eye the way I can now.  I had FFS as well as HRT, so my transformation has been radical, so much so that people who have not seen me in the last year do not recognize me.  Now I catch myself gazing in the mirror often (too often probably) and I see a woman.  I sometimes feel I look attractive, sometimes I think I look hideous.  When I told this to a good friend, she said, "Ha! Welcome to womanhood."

Dawn

[Kate]

and if I had to shave, I concentrated on the blade and looked past the rest of me.

Just a sidenote on this: I love using shaving cream, because it can completely mask my beard (not much left now though), and give the illusion of a puffier, more feminine face. I used to think I was nuts for thinking that until I saw a few others mention it on here.

[Melissa]

I am 5'9".  For me, sometimes I will be among a group of women who are 5'6" and I feel so tall and out of place.  Other times, I will see a bunch of men towering over me and that makes me feel good.  Sometimes I will see a couple of women taller than me.  However, nobody acts like I'm out of place.

Sometimes I look in a dark reflective window as I'm walking past and see my reflection and I see a woman walking and that makes me smile.  Sometimes I will look in a mirror when I do not have makeup on and I will see facial hair that has yet to be lasered off and I will get extremely depressed.  I would say facial hair is the number one thing that makes me feel dysphoric right now.  It's difficult to hide and just looks so awful on me.  Even if it was patches, that would be better, but even after 9 hours of electrolysis in the same area and 2 laser treatments, I could still grow a mustache.    It's so depressing.  It makes me want to shave it often which irritates my skin and then it's even harder to hide.  I wish I didn't have to wait so long between treatments.  Fortunately, I seem to be able to cover it well enough so that nobody has noticed it and said anything yet.

If I cover my face with makeup, I see a woman and that makes me happy.  I imagine I will look better in about 3 months, since hormones will have done more work and I'll have had 2 more laser treatments.  I'm too embarrased to go anywhere that my facial hair might be seen.

I used to look at myself in the mirror as a really ugly woman and that would make me cry.  Now I don't feel that way, just because of life experiences.  Sometimes I will look and see a very feminine looking male and other times a woman.  I think it's related more to how I see myslef, rather than how I actually look.

Well, that's about it for my disconnected thoughts on this subject.

Melissa

[Melissa]

I don't mind the pain of the treatments to my upper lip.  To me it is far less pain than looking in the mirror at the hair growing there.

Melissa

[Kimberly]

...
I never thought that I would remember them with any fondness.
...

The passage of time is good for something

[Nero]

"if you've got it flaunt it, baby".

Too true. If you have a conspicuous feature, you must own it. You must wear it well.
There is nothing less attractive than a 6'0 woman trying to blend into the woodwork.
But, a 6'0 woman who holds her head high, and relishes seeing all the heads turn when she enters a room, is very attractive indeed.

Nero

[DawnL]

What I find sad is that I have lost so much in my purges. Even after "my time", I would purge  old photos and memorabilia.
I wish now, that I still had those old pictures.  Even the one with the redneck beard.  Sheesh.
Cindi

I wonder if I will.  I continue to shred old photos and artifacts of my past, erase my old name from every possible location, but denying that life completely isn't possible.  I just hope to come to peace with it someday in the future.

Dawn

[umop ap!sdn]

For what it's worth Julie, I never realized you were tall... I've always imagined you being petite - that's always been your "essence" to me

Well neat. It actually feels validating to hear that - like I'm not crazy for feeling this way or thinking it. LOL. But on the other hand...

There is nothing less attractive than a 6'0 woman trying to blend into the woodwork.
But, a 6'0 woman who holds her head high, and relishes seeing all the heads turn when she enters a room, is very attractive indeed.

...good advice. Then the trick becomes to learn such confidence myself, even though it does seem like it's not the real me.

How confusing. 

[Melissa]

I've noticed that a lot of tall TS women (like Kate and Julie) tend to look very pretty and I think this works out well.  People may look at you because of your height, but what they'll see when they look is a beautiful woman.

Melissa

[Rosebride]

Everytime I've looked in the mirror I've seen the same thing ... me.... the problem was when I was younger I would see a woman who was too tall, too broad, had facial hair, and was flat as a board...... Now I see me, for better or worse. Which is a lot better than seeing for worse all the time   

[LynnER]

Depends on when I look in the mirror.......  used to say the beginning of this current hell was 7 years from the broken mirror...... as just over 7 years ago and most of the period before that starting from puberty Id grow so depressed and hate the face looking back at me enough to break the mirrors at times........ I know I put my fist through 3 and other vaious objects through another few and smashed atleast 6 hand held mirrors on the ground.......

When I looked in the mirrior 8 or 9 months ago Id see myself...... though alittle hairy at times..... and still with the oversized chin and the awfull brow ridge but I was moveing forward. Practicaly became obsesed with looking in mirrios about then .... HRT stopped.. the majority of the softness left and I avoided the mirror as much as possable once again......

As of right now its a 50/50 thing........ half the time (makeup or not) I see me......... the other half the time I see the monster.........

Probably why I want FFS first and hold it as more important than the final surgery, despite the fact that hrt will probably be more than enough facialy.............