Transition or die?

[DJorgensen]

I had always felt that it would be much easier to live without transitioning. I like women, I want children, I want to marry, I want to have a traditional life. But there was no way I could get that. I've had a few breakdowns, and although I always got back up before getting too carried away with things, I just was not willing to push myself that close to the edge again.

Even since I just started to take care of matters, things have looked up tremendously. Its like night and day. My only wish is that things would go faster for me instead of having to wait for so long to see the proper specialists here...

[Christine Eryn]

I've given myself timetables, like getting married at a certain age. That is long past and didn't happen, and recently I said if I don't transition by X age, I could not live on. Now that I'm actually in the transition I don't think so negative anymore.
I do still ocassionally think about death though. Often times it's putting a gun right between my forehead brow bossing, it would be so... so justified. Until FFS the thought will be there. I'm 1000 times more positive about my whole situation since HRT.

[Rachael]

my questions are: who of you are transition or die?
                        and why do you feel that way?


i'm asking because i'm not suicidal and trying to figure out if i am the only one. i'm looking for this to be a very hot topic, so let the wrath begin, if there is any...

you are not the only one. there is a lot of T3 going aroundf where if one person is, another must be too to not be less ->-bleeped-<- than they are.....

At the end of the day, people have different dysphorias....

you say yo dont want hrt or feel suicidal? lucky i guess.

dont want to be suicidal, its not fun, trust me....
R >

[cindybc]

I think I'm going to catch a few ZZZ before I attempt to respond to this thread. I will say I did go through the suicidal phase, that was 8 years ago. Now 8 years later I am where I wanted to be all my life anyway, I am woman. The hapiest I have ever been in my life.

Cindy

[Fer]

If not transition or die, how else could it be described?  Transition or more lies?

[Hazumu]

I was good at denial, telling myself I just wouldn't be a REAL woman without all the internal organs, and having gone through a female puberty...

Yeah, it'll never work...

But year after year I kept asking myself the same question over and over again -- "What's WRONG with me?"  There was depression, but it just seemed part of the landscape.  Somehow I coped.

Comparing my life before and after transition, it feels like the movie The
Wizard of Oz, with everything pre-transition in black-and-white, then after a tumultuous period, my world turns to gold-standard Technicolor!

Compared to before, I really look forward to each day.

Karen

[Wendy C]

 I should note maybe that I am 61, have always known that I was female. My depression and anxiety always seemed to run in cycles of severity. My first attempt at suicide was at 19 by overdose and death by cop. Fortunately I passed out before being shot. The prospect of being institutionalised back then was scarier than trying to live as normally as I could. Anyone remember the movie "One flew over the Cuckoo's nest?, That was how I remember the place.

Second attempt came at around 35 years old after having sought SRS and was denied it due to the SoC  veiws of that era. I tried to OD again and managed to keep my self uncontious for 72 hours and gained a Court ordered commital for 30 days. Seeing how I was married and had two young sons at the time, I learned to start burying my dysphoria with my first mental barricades.

Over the course of the years my dysphoria would surface, each time getting a little worse but I was able to build another wall here, a fence there. I did on several occasions talk to Mental health folks but was always left with the idea that nothing had changed and that I would never be able to transition.

In 1985 and after having included a second marriage and  alcoholism to my resume in order to try to live normally, the dysphoria again surfaced in a major way and I tried suicide again. As OD'ing hadnt been all that successful I drove a Jeep Cherokee Chief into a culvert at 60 mph. As Im still here writing this, I can only guess that there were force afoot that wanted me around for something.  I took that jeep end over end for thirty feet and rolled it three times, the top being flatened to the seats with the exception of the drivers seat. At least I didnt go back to the Psych ward that time, but I did spend a month getting de-toxed and learning all about the twelve step program.

Well, with my new found belief in a higher power I managed to last until last July. I must reiterate that the Dysphoria, depression and axiety only gets worse with time and never goes away. So here I was last July the whole thing crashing down on me again, only this time I knew without a doubt that I could go no longer. I had become very active in a Church over the last four years and was using extreme guilt as a buffer and I think it was my final wall.

As I left for work that morning I was quite convinced that I would not return home. I cried all the way there feeling guilt of what would happen to my family. I nearly avoided steering my vehicle into an oncomming Semi several times. I made it to work that morning and during periods of working alone cried my eyes out several times. I work at a hospital and have pretty much free access anywhere in the buildings. Well to cut this short, I found my way to the fourteenth floor roof and spent about five minutes standing on the edge contemplating death and my misery. I then remembered a staff member that had recently told me if I ever needed anything to call her after I had done some work in her office.

I decided to try one more time and to my surprise her boss was the head of Employee Assistance. We three had a long talk and they gave me TG resources to contact and told that times and things had changed. Well I am here to prove that and while I am still fighting anger, rage and such for the lost years I have never been at more peace and been more content than I ever have been. Eight months on HRT, a very good Endo, a good Therapist and much more.

So now that I have have once again wrote a book, the ending should be fairly clear. Yes, for me this life has always been a choice between suicide and transitioning. I cannot begin to understand how I ever made it to this age and I always think of those girls that didnt and Im certain that the list is very long.

Thanks for allowing me to express this once again. My intent is to offer hope for others. It does get better than it used to.

Hugs

Wendy

[cindybc]

Hi Wendy C hon, welcome to Susan's. I am post op 4 years and have been full time for 8 years. I am 62 years old and what more can say, I very much identify with what you have shared with us here. I was alcoholic for 25 years. I would like to share more with you but right now I am going a TS support center where my partner and I are support workers.

Cindy   

[Yip]

This is very hard for me I'm 28 and I've never mentioned anything about this to anyone I've kept it all to myself
So I've basically suppressed it for a decent period now. I'm frankly stuck I cant come out due to a number
of reasons family friends and simple economic's would stop me doing any changes even if i did.
this is the first time I've said anything at all. Anyway my situation is upseting me and
I'm finding it on my mind almost all the time it used to be something I'd
only think about when trying to sleep at night or if something reminded me.

But I guess theres limits to suppressing something and I'm beginning to hit it. So this topic I'm finding
extremely disturbing to me, is there nothing i can do to help cope, what I'm asking here is
there truly no way i can channel this into something i can keep to myself but allows me to
not continue suppressing inside. I would love nothing more then to fix this but right now i
see no options, I really don't want to get depressed or start drinking but the comments here
are suggesting thats my future....and some issues i already have are starting to make sense
as to where they are coming from.

[Alyssa M.]

HI Yip. Welcome to the forums.

I know what a tough thing it can be to share these troubles with others. I hope you'll stick around, and if you have a chance, post a new thread in the Introductions forum to let us all know you're here.

Of course only you can know what your gender troubles can mean for you and how you can best deal with them. Certainly keeping it all to yourself is terribly hard. I haven't yet come out to most people I know, but I have to some friends and family, and while it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, it's also been worth it just to have that burden shared by others, and to know that they won't reject me for being who I am.

There are lots of small ways I find to cope from day to day with having to live in a male role, at least for now. Clothes are part of it -- for instance, why on Earth should I wear men's jeans when it's a little pinprick to my soul every time I put them on? Nobody notices; it just makes getting through the day somehow easier. Also, in social settings, I try to avoid artificially playing up masculine behaviors to compensate for my fears of being "discovered" as I have done in the past. Living alone helps me have some space where I don't have to put up a false front to the world. I don't know how much of this you might be able to do yourself, but you can try little things and see how they go. You'll probably find that others notice and care much less than you do -- since you're not in high school anymore; that would be a different story! -- so you probably have more freedom than you think.

Most transsexual and transgendered people do not become alcoholic or attempt suicide -- though the rates are certainly sharply higher than in the general population, and depression is pretty widespread. I'd very highly recommend trying to find a therapist. Depending on where you are, you can find therapists who can work with your insurance, or charge on a sliding scale to support people who couldn't get help otherwise. You might want to check out the Therapists and Counselors page to find someone in your area who specializes in gender issues. This can be really worth it, even if they are a bit farther away. If it's too much trouble to go weekly, you can certainly go biweekly or even monthly, and still get a LOT of benefit out of it.

I hope something can happen soon to make you feel less "stuck," but even if it doesn't right away, I hope you can understand that you have lots of options, especially if you are patient and take your time. I wish you many blessings.

~Alyssa

[Wendy C]

Hi Yip  While new here at Susans also I would wish you a warm welcome. You have come to the right place to start getting answers to your questions and directions on how to find yourself. Please do not take my post as a future to look forward to. You have arrived at a time that I believe is 100% better than when I started my journey. Times have changed  and information, sharing with other TS, Standards of Care, good Therapist and Endocrinologists are much better now. I was only trying to answer the question from my particular viewpoint and my own experience.

I will not say it will be easy for you and this ride will be very much like a roller coaster. Alyssa made  very good reccomendations and listed a good starting place with finding a qualified Gender Therapist. I truly hope you find your way Hon and hugs. Stick around awhile and you will learn much.

Wendy

[Veerle]

For me, it was transition or die; I could no longer bare it; walking around female, untill someone came home. Everyone else accepted it. And every day the bucket dripped full, untill I no longer could take it. I wanted to get rid of the doubt that was surrounding me as well, regarding this subject.
But the bucket was full, I no longer could take it. It was transition, or die, but more in a figure of speach. I know I can't take my life, it's unethical imho. Even when things are so depressed, I always compare myself to someone who is worse off, that's my way of survival so far. I was talking to a psychologist right before and said: I either kill myself or go 24/7. His bodylanguage changed.
And asked carefull: Do you have any plans for that?
I said: No, because it's going 24/7 not the other "option"
There was only one problem, my father. He was the one from keeping me from going 24/7. But no longer, I just didn't care anymore what he said or do (There's only nonsense coming out of him, so.......).
So, i'm now 24/7 since 24th of April, it feels good, no more suicide thoughts (I had the thoughts, just not the plans, or any will to do so.), I also feel less tired than before, as if a burden is taken away.

And me and my father no longer talk to each other (While we still live in the same house    )

Compared to before, I really look forward to each day.

Very recognisable. I'm also making plans to go studying again