Pam,
I went through a similar ugly divorce. My wife phyically assaulted me, more than once, and I restrained myself. I did not go and get a restraining order against her for this domestice violence. When I called the cops, they showed up four hours later and told me I was wasting my time because she was going to come out and claim I hit her and we would both go to jail and my kids to foster care.
I decided to just be the bigger person. That is until the cops came to my house and served papers on me, a temporary restraining order. She went to court and claimed I hit her, which my kids could testisfy to, was a lie. But the judge said my kids would not be allowed nor permitted to testify, except my oldest daughter who was 22 and flat out told me she was going to lie for my exwife and say I was abusive and she claimed I hit her, when in reality she smacked me accross the face when I would not allow her to take things out of my house when they were leaving.
When it came to court day on the restraining order, my exwife dropped the case when she found out that the court was going to talk to my children, even though they would not testify in court. When she left she stole my laptop computer, which I then reported stolen, by her. They would not go after her, however when I told her that I filed a complaint, she called the cops and said she found kiddy porn on my computer.
I gave the cops permission to look at my computer and when they looked at it, they found out that kiddy porn was put on there the day after she stole it, and the day I served her with divorce papers. They asked me if I wanted them to press charges against her for this, and I told them no. At the same time she gave my laptop to the cops, she also called Child Protective Services and said I was a danger to my kids and I was exposing them to porn.
Both the cops and Child Protective Services came and interviewed my kids in private and of course they found out what she did to my laptop. I was exhonerated of everything. But mostly, I took the high ground. My children were very angry at her, and at times they still are. However I told my kids to accept thier mother as she was, not expect her to be what they want her to be. That even if she did some really bad things, that I knew with certainty, that she really loved them.
It was very hard to put my anger away and to take the high road. I did at times say some bad things about my exwife in the presence of my children, in the end though, my kids figured it all our on their own. My kids all seem to have recovered from this ugly divorce and seem happy again. None of them are filled with hate and anger, with the possible exception of my oldest son, who still carries some anger. I have and continue to encourage my children to have a good relationship with thier mother. I don't want them to feel as if they are betraying me by having a relationship with her. In the end, it would only make them resent me.
You see the thing about anger is this. We don't feel other people when they are angry at us. If anyone is angry at me right now, I don't feel it. I am in bliss. It is they who have to feel the hate. It is thier thoughts comsumed with what they would say or do to me if they could. It is thier burdon. The only hate I feel is the hate I have for others. That is why I hate no one. I have no ill will for anyone.
I had a teacher once tell our class to get a pillowcase and for every person that we hated, get a potato and write their name on it and put it in the pillow case. Then carry that pillowcase with us everywhere we go. Soon those potatoes will start to sprout and decay and stink and every day it will get harder to carry them around with us. Soon it will become the most difficult thing we do each day. You see that is how hate is, it only hurts the person doing the hating.
My pillowcase is empty and it is easy to carry. I will not allow others to fill it up for me. No matter the aggression, hate can only hurt me. I came out of the closet to be happy. I decided to live my life as the woman I am to be happy. No matter what my exwife did to me, I will not hurt myself even worse by hating her.
I hope this helps.
Love always,
Elizabeth
