Hi everyone,
After lurking through the forums for a couple hours and while I don't know if I have much to add, I felt like introducing myself, just because. I've never introduced myself, my whole true undisguised self, ever really and I've decided that its about darned time that I shout out who I am and how I got here, unashamed, just like I've always wanted to do to everyone I've met. Even if it's actually just for me.
I am an aspiring MtF TS in college. My first conscious inklings came during grade school, when I was imagined being in one of the fantasy books I had read, I realized that I had put myself in my mental fairytale as a beautiful princess! That really shook me even then, because I knew boys weren't like that and my parents had already berated my overly quiet demeanor and my aptitude to cry. So while I pushed that aside, I never quite let it go, and as I grew I occasionally threw out 'philosophical' questions asking my friends if they ever wondered what it would have been like if they were girls. It was when puberty hit that I was thrown into the chaos of self doubt and maybe even depression. I spent many nights praying, even though I had convinced myself essentially atheist by then, and often wondered if I was insane or just... well, f***ed up. But outwardly, I kept up a cool, stoic persona. Smart and 'self-confident,' with answers to everything. Whenever I had quiet time to myself though, I found my insides churning.
It wasn't until midway through high school that I first 'discovered' transsexualism . Having heard of the term (and had unknowingly yet enthusiastically watched a documentary about TS and gender change) in the past, I finally decided to overcome my fears of being percieved as unmasculine or queer and did some searching on the topic. I was stunned at what I found, and before long, I began to realize that this was /me/. All at once, I was excited, terrified, hopeful, and hopeless. Up till then, I had always been I suppose what you would call a "momma's boy" and so after only a couple months, I idealistically and rather naively decided to come out to my mom. Her reaction was worse than I had ever anticipated with outright hysterical rejection and denial, and I found myself painfully realizing that I would not have her support, or even her grudging permission. So, at home, I had to let things drop, and I sank into an extended depression. I guess I also kind of sank into a sort of mixed hopeful self-denial. But as an oath to myself and a bit of a personal rebellion, I began growing my hair out. I think I inadvertently became a bit outwardly 'swishy' too, because I would later discover that a number of people began to think I was gay. Maybe it's not surprising, as I never dated (I found I never really had an interest in dating girls, and my rather 'traditional' conditioning made it hard for me to even think about guys).
I vowed to myself that once I hit college I'd go out and do something about it, but for most of my first year, I was busy with studies and honestly was too afraid to deal with my problems directly yet. At this point, I'd begun to get some teasing about my long hair, with some calling it 'girly', though it hardly was (to my disappointment). I laughed it off with stoic masculinity even while thinking 'if only they knew...'. Meanwhile I drowned my sorrows by reading, especially tg fiction, but nothing got done about it at all, and I was left at the end of the school year feeling I had wasted so many opportunities. Once I returned home, I knew I'd be essentially bottled up. That summer came out to be a real turning point for me, as I spiraled into a deep depression, I knew I couldn't put this off any longer. Near the end of the summer, in a bit of a cathartic breakdown, I came out to one of my friends. He was shocked and apparently was a little bit unsettled with the concept, but at the same time was supportive and encouraged me to be proactive for once.
So when I returned to school the following semester, I went out and began seeing a school counselor, sort of an interim therapist for me, and I've been seeing him almost weekly for practically a year now. Though I've 'known' for a couple years, it's been a slow process for me. Coming to grips with who and what I am and where my future lies hasn't been easy. Like I mentioned earlier, I've struggled with the grips of a despairing depression that at times has put me out of commission for weeks at a time and made me seriously ponder suicide on more than a few occasions. I finally broke down and had a second revelation, that this was really hurting me and there would be no miracle solution for all my problems. My schoolwork was suffering terribly and my attendance was spotty at best. On my counselor's and advisor's recommendation, I've withdrawn until I've decided that I can handle all the normal responsibilities in addition to the questions that plague me. So I find myself 'here', no longer officially in school, now trying to find my identity and make peace with my desires and emotions.
I feel like I've had so many ups and downs already though not nearly so many compared to some, and even day to day I can feel enthused and hopeful, then grim and despairing. But after finally taking some control of the rollercoaster called life, I find myself cautiously optimistic, and hoping that by edging into the community a bit, I can feel more comfortable about myself, and become more at ease about sharing my feelings.
So once again: Hello! =)
~ Kaitlyn
P.S. Wow, that turned out to be a lot more than I originally intended, but after reading some of the accounts here, I feel encouraged to say what I feel, and being able to let it out without fear of ridicule is incredibly refreshing. If you read it all, thanks and kudos to you!
P.P.S I accidentally stuck this in the TS forum by mistake, doh! Oh well, now in its rightful place.
