Hello

[Yip]

This is actually my 2nd post but i guess i should introduce myself.
I'm 28 and I've spent over a decade doing whatever i could to suppress my "secret".
I've told no one not family not friends and the first time I've ever mentioned anything is
here today with my first post. I've got so many walls built I've actually spent the last 6 hours
pacing back and forwards to do this post....  yeah

Well the beginning I realised something was different (i couldnt figure it at first)in high school, and was isolated because of it,
kids can be pretty cruel. I dispised my school years and continue to suffer low self esteem and anxiety
its permanently hurt me in education and employment. In some ways I'm relieved since I'm beginning to realise why i have had these issues.
I've also realised since posting I may have been in denial also.
For years i convinced myself all males feel as i do just dont mention it.

Lately I've realised I'm alot more emotional then my friends and i have alot more empathy,
and I prefer taste in drinks then the "burn" they go for. But I like women also as much as
any of them do so i haven't had to overcompensate by pretending to be more male then them
I merely have an extra unmentioned wish they want their body i literally want the body.

Anyway this is a massive rant but i'm here to talk to save myself I've read a few posts and i think I'm prob once again a loner here
since unlike alot of ppl here I cant do anything about my situation. Being able to is a dream i simply cant do due to RL situations
telling my parents and sister. The thought fills me with terror even though i know they love me enough wouldn't
abandon me theres a far bigger price that would hurt them more then me.
I cant come out I cant justify destroying 4 lives to have relief for myself simple as that.
So in an attempt to maybe get some relief to let some of it out and not continue fully repressing until i make myself sick

I'm here to talk to stop hiding it in some small way even if i cant in rl. In the hope doing so will save me
from the pain I'm feeling over it and maybe i can regain some control of my life now i know what
was causing it.

[Alyssa M.]

Hi, Yip!

I'm glad you've found Susan's and I hope that you can find some support here in these hard times you're going through. I hope you realize that a lot of people here have been in a very similar situation (or still are), and that it's never too late to confront and come to terms with the troubles that you're having. Feel free to rant -- everyone has to do it from time to time.

~Alyssa

[Just Mandy]

I cant come out I cant justify destroying 4 lives to have relief for myself simple as that.
So in an attempt to maybe get some relief to let some of it out and not continue fully repressing until i make myself sick

Hi Yip

I think you will find it very helpful to be here. Just opening up about what I've felt and experienced and reading others
that have had the same frustrations and fears has helped me. I've struggled with the same thing... how do I change the
lives of people around me to get relief for myself? I don't have the answer yet but the kind peeps here are helping me
get to that point.

Anyway... welcome and don't be shy

Amanda

[tinkerbell]

Hello Yip and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you so much for introducing yourself.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

[Yip]

Thanks Its certainly feeling good to have said it rather then thought it for once I think i did this just
in time to be frank, thinking your alone is prob the most damaging part.

[jeanmarie]

Hi Yip

Welcome. The saying Rome wasnt build in a day comes to mind. Take baby steps. Every day thing will become better.