A huge step forward

[Wendy C]

Hey girls, I know I promised on the other thred that I would go into more detail and Ive been a little slow doing it. Three days and I'm finally getting around to it and Im going to cheat a little here. I touched on some of this the other day but this is the whole thing, maybe not much to othere people but huge to me and posting it gives me that extra nudge to keep pushing on. I will say that I had posted this on another site and was going to just do a new one but it is just so long and Im a horrible typist. So here goes.

(quote from last Thursday)
Just had to share this to keep my self in the real world. I have been lately going mostly androgynous in public up to this point to include trying to hide the bra which I really need at a 38A if nothing else but to pad myself from bumping and pain.

More importantly though is the questions that have been plaguing me lately as I have been experimenting with light makeup and mixing female and male clothing when going out and dressing in female clothes while at home. What has been going through my mind is am I ready for this, will I pass, is my voice good enough to try it and others in that vein.

Saturday while I was going to my last IPL laser session and wearing female attire but no make up all on a wild lark, the thought hit me that, 1. Youve wanted this your entire life, 2. You have already told you entire family. 3. Its been bad enough at work that people are noticing the changes but that they are now starting to ask questions and make vague guesses as to whats up. 4. You have already declared your intentions and have been on hormones 8 Months. 5. Your progress on the hormones has been fairly remarkable considering your age and you pray it wont stop now. 6. You were extremely uncomfortable and actually used a urinal the last time you used a male public restroom because of the stares you got from kids and adults just so they wouldn't look anymore. And others.

Furthermore I suddenly realized that hey stupid, this is what its all about. You are female, that is who you are and its time to do it, not wish it but be it and not act it like I did the male persona.

So as of that date I just starting being me this week, not out at work but working on my voice at times there, walking, talking, primping a little in the mirror with my hair in front of the guys, just little things. And Wow has it grabbed hold, I have had more people talk to me, smile genuine smiles at me, hold doors open WTF? and all kinds of things I have never had happen to me before. And Ive smiled more than I ever have before.

So after last Saturday and talking with the RN who did my laser session and who I had not seen since I started it 5 months ago. She was astounded by the changes when she realized who I was and we had a long talk on transsexualism after the session. She was impressed with the changes and commented on how much happier I was then when she first met me.

I decided to bring all this up to my Therapist today who had been saying I was progressing well at the pace I was setting for myself. Well all that changed today. I had dressed as female as I could get under my work shirt. So all I had to do was remove the shirt and I was dressed in a Bobbie Brooks yellow T with the twins visible to all, my tightest jeans I own and ducked into a female bathroom at work (risky I know) applied my make up, and off I went for my Therapist appt dressed as a female. Got there, used a female restroom in the building, actually had contact with another woman in there, smiled when she said hi and returned her greeting in my best voice, did my business in the stall next to her, washed and left the bathroom and finally breathed. "I DID IT"

Well during the my time with the Therapist she told me that as far as she was concerned I had had in her book started RLE, I left with a carry letter identifying me a person in transition and requesting that I be treated as a female. God I hope I don't ever have to use it. We worked on a strategy and time line for coming out at work (by the end of the year or sooner), worked on some financial considerations for a medical bank acct to deal with FFS and GRS and just a host of other things. I really felt this to be the best session we have had.

So as I said earlier, I just had to share this, Wow this has been one big step today. (end quote)

So now I hope you will understand more why I thought this so important to post three days later. It was the mind set or the place I needed to reach in order to go forward. It was the dawning in that I finally realized exactly who I was, not just who I wanted to be. And from that moment foward I will never be him again and will be Wendy Catherine or perhaps Catherine Wendy. (lol, still not sure which I like better) While I know I have made many important steps along the way, this to me was my Debute in the real world and that for me was huge.

Thanks for bearing with me in this incredibly long post .(my longest ever) And as an extra you got to see a glimpse of who this old gal is, as I didnt start off here at Susans during my worst times of my life.

Thanks girls and Hugs.

Wendy

[Ms.Behavin]

Congradulation Wendy,  Sounds like all is working very well for you
Take care

Beni

[Audrey]

good deal its nice to feel liberated isnt it.   

Audrey

[cindybc]

Hi Wendy, that was a truly wonderful story of real life experience, Actually I hope you don't mind that I shared it with one of the other girls on this message board.

Cindy

[offthesidewalk]

Oh my word Cindy, you're so gonna make me blush. I feel so special. (-^.^-). Thank you.

It was the dawning in that I finally realized exactly who I was, not just who I wanted to be.

That's my most favorite sentence. *smiles*
it's really wonderful to have read about your awesome experience.
*huggles* and thank you too.

[cindybc]

No problem hon, and thank you. From reading your intro I do beleive you know where your going. But if you should stub your toe on a root in the middle of the path during your journey you know where to come to visit for a bit, I'll have a nice a cup of tea, band aid ready but lets just hope we wont need them.

Isn't it always about doing a soul search for *who we are* in the beginning. It took much soul searching for me  before I began to recognise who I was, I knew who the inner child was, I had a realy wonderful AA lady sponsor who referred to the inner-self as the inner child. Of course I was worried some about what I would look like and I believe it is quite normal for a woman to worry about appearance, a little vanity is a after all a girls instinctive desire.

But I fell quite short of my desire but it appears that I still pass and I just go about doing what I have always been doing, working with folks who are in need which at the present time is at a woman's shelter. 

Some big hugs back to you as well hon.



Cindy

[Wendy C]

Thanks Ladies from the heart and it makes me happy to know that perhaps another will helped. It was truly liberating to finally become and the initial glow still hasnt worn off completely. It is like other doors have suddenly swung open for me to explore.

My wife who has been less than enthusiatic over my changing went with me on Saturday to do some shopping. Two of my daughters critiqued and helped me with the make up, and I wore female attire. In addition to he neccesitys, I bought three pairs of fitted  jeans, a cute jean skirt, and a camisole, trying them all on in store. ( Goodwill, lol, but less than $20 for all and one pair was new) I used Gender appropriate restrooms with my wife and to end the day we had dinner in her favorate restaurant. If I got clocked, I really didnt notice it and it surprised me that people really dont pay a lot of attention.

I asked my wife during dinner how I was doing and she said other than the voice dropping when I lost concentration and her one slip with the He reference, she actually complemented me. And we got several "ladies and Ma'am's", absolutely nothing resembling a sir. Now the real work starts as I dont even want to slide backwards a little.

And to top the weekend, I went to work today and talked with the Employee Assistance Director about what I need to transition on the job. I told her by the end of the year but possibly sooner. She and a co-worker were the ones that kept me from suicide last July and pointed me towards resources that I needed to start transition. She is going to act as liason to HR and find out what will be required of me.
I worry a bit about this as I am Gov't employed but I do know of at least one other girl in the past that was hired and worked there for a while.

At least I didnt make a book out of this thread.  Hugs and thanks again for the support.

Wendy

[Krystal]

Hi Wendy
*hugs*
Thats just awesome.   I am glad that things are working out so well for you and you have the support of your family. It's post like these that help to keep me thinking positive and give me the courage to  keep on keeping on.
Thank you
Krystal

[NicholeW.]

That's really great, Wendy!! Moving right along, and your own pace is always the best one to take. Don't wanna cramp or stretch your legs too much.

Congratulations and hugs to you! You might wanna look over this thread as well.

All the best as you move forward. 

Nichole

[Wendy C]

Thanks Krystal, It does help when the family will give you support. Unfortunately I do not get this level of treatment all the time and in the beginning it was worse. I think as time goes by and they see that you are a much happier person most will come around. Just dont give up on yourself and keep placing one foot after the other and we'll make to the top of the hill. 

Thanks NIchole, I had glanced over it earlier and have all intentions of going over it closer. For myself, considering my temperment, age, drive and the fact that I cacooned for so long, the answer for me is clear. I am a transitioner and will settle for no less then to be a fully functioning female. Its just the time table that needs worked out.

Hugs

Wendy