Life, Confidence, Risk, Success and the MTF

[NicholeW.]

I have had a PM exchange with a woman on a board for the past few days. I consider her a friend, although I think she often really wonders if i 'like' her. I have this habit, inherited through my father, I imagine, that sometimes makes me 'push' people I care about in our transitioning world. But, I do try to do that only when I am 'sure' they need the push. 

Actually, I think the world of this woman and truly do care very much about her well-being and her ability to successfully negotiate her life so that she can be where she wants to be.

Anyhow, I obtained her permission to share this exchange on this board. She knows I moderate here and I am simply hoping that these exchanges 'help' someone discover their own ability to be 'real' and embrace life as they come to it through this process.

I don't know if she'll read this, but I am going to thank her for the permission anyway. Thanks, luv. You're on your way. Things are gonna be fine, you watch!! 

Well, your insinuation that I limit my experiences to "safe" places has been gnawing at me, ... *sigh*

"Fine, I'll show HER!" I thought over the weekend.

So I grabbed my keys and went out. All day. Both days. Alone. Visited a friend in the hospital (OK well my best friend was there for that too), drugstores, Target, Giant, Rite Aid, CVS, Deli, walking through HUGE crowds everywhere in stores and on the streets, in the damn RAIN, lol... ordered lunches and picked em up, talked to EVERYONE who I came across, mingled in the elevator with women, flirted with the guy in the deli, said hi to everyone I could... nothing "special" but as varied and interactive as I could perpetuate for 48 hours.

And yes, FINE... it DID something to me. Yes, I was playing it safe with places I know before. A routine. But THIS... as trivial as those places sound, just being OUT in the world and loving every second of it.. well DAMN girl. Who put that world there? Who KNEW?

Anyways, long way to say THANKS. You're gonna be (already are) a GREAT therapist

What a wonderful response!! I was worried you'd taken my comment as an insult. I am so happy that you decided to "Show me!!"  I just love it when others find what's been staring everyone else they deal with in the face: That they are able to do this, to be themselves and that 'nobody knows.' No, luv, they will only know you. 

I'll start out with this before I go the roundabout way. Thank you so much for the compliment. I appreciate it.

Sometimes a person just sees and knows certain things. I have to admit since I lost my job three years ago to transition I have had to leave my comfort-zone. And it has been the absolute best thing that ever happened to me regarding transition.

The interactions, school, shops, downtown, in a clinic, in therapy rooms, at all sorts of functions, at conferences, and even with those cops, have brought me a level-of-awareness I'd have never found had I remained there and where I had been living. (Where I was known. Where I was comfortable) 

O, it wasn't comfy to begin with. I was convinced everyone 'knew.' I would have loved, for my own sense of security, to have remained exactly where I was. That way everyone knew and were 'nice.'

But, what I discovered, maybe more than anything, was even away from those who already knew and were 'nice,' that no one knew. I know what knowing looks like, sounds like and feels like. And I never see that anymore, never feel it or hear it in voices. And with the never seeing, hearing, feeling I have wound up with a lot more confidence to talk on a lot of different things, to be myself and allow life to roll through me and over me. Make a real life instead of one that rotates between work, home and the computer. (Although school has meant a lot of computer time as well. Research, fleshing out ideas and feelings, yep, sometimes even 'working' at places like this, realizing that the bases of the therapeutic approaches I use in practice can be valuable even over the 'net, provided the nuance and meaning 'come through.')

Unlike many of you, my relationship is 'set' for the rest of my life. I know that so deeply in my heart that nothing will ever change that. That very fact gives me a base that many lack, and I am extraordinarily grateful and feel immensely fortunate for it.

Yet, even given that, it's still 'nice to be noticed.' There was a time when I suspected that the only way I was noticed had to do with people noticing I was 'strange.' But, that forcing into 'real life' also cured me of worrying about that kind of notice. Honestly, I just don't 'get' it anymore. I can go anywhere another woman can go, be with people any other woman can be with and no one ever leaves the slightest impression of 'being uncomfortable' or 'knowing.'

THAT is a tremendous confidence boost. The more the confidence boosts the more of it I feel.

No, there will be no 'man.' But, I do get flirted with and hell yes it feels good. For those who are interested, it's possible and you DON'T, automatically, 'have to live my life alone." Much as I complain, there are 'nice guys' out there who will accept you as 'just another woman,' but one who is 'special and loved' by them. And there are many wonderful women who want relationships with other women, and you may fit their bill of particulars. TSes aren't all doomed!!

O, I'm fairly certain that other gender-'deviants' may often 'notice.' We do seem to investigate things with our senses in that regard that most cis-es seem not to do. (One of the laughable things about those assinine arguments that 'the sanctity of the bathroom' is going to be violated. I've come to think that most people have had their public toilets 'violated' and have never known it!!) 

I am not recommending that everyone go 'out into the world' believing this 'noticed for the right reasons' is always going to occur. I'm sure that for many it doesn't. The ravages of T for MTFs and the concommitant ravages of E for FTMs may prevent many from receiving second or third looks and being noticed in the ways we wish to be noticed. But, for those who waver about whether or not they 'really can,' doing it is a great tonic to what ails the spirit and the heart. And, it seems to me, that is where the key to transition lies, in the spirit and the heart. Those are the places we live ... and die.

So, I am not so much pleased that your adventure showed me to be 'right,' as I am that your adventure showed you that you are 'right.' There is a world out here that, in closing ourselves away from due to doubt and comfort, we miss entirely. A world that will, given the chance, often embrace us.

That you have experienced the power of that 'gift' is the thing that right this second and when I read your PM brought great joy to me. For now you 'know,' or are at least beginning to know, that life after transition can be very wonderful and fun.   

For that, the thanks comes through your experiences, your renewed confidence that you are, very much indeed, real. Have always been.

Like I told you long ago, you are "the real thing." Now, live it, girl.

Love and Hugs,

Nichole

[RebeccaFog]

Whenever people find that they are staying in their comfort zone, it's time to break out.   

That was a really nice post.

[Just Mandy]

I have had a PM exchange with a woman on a board for the past few days. I consider her a friend, although I think she often really wonders if i 'like' her. I have this habit, inherited through my father, I imagine, that sometimes makes me 'push' people I care about in our transitioning world. But, I do try to do that only when I am 'sure' they need the push.

I've never noticed that about you Nichole....

And yes... we all need to leave our comfort zones at some point... it's hard no doubt... I can only
imagine what it's like putting yourself on stage at a beauty pageant... you have no idea how you
compare to other women until you do it. And I guess leaving the zone helps you do just that.

But, what I discovered, maybe more than anything, was even away from those who already knew and were 'nice,' that no one knew. I know what knowing looks like, sounds like and feels like. And I never see that anymore, never feel it or hear it in voices. And with the never seeing, hearing, feeling I have wound up with a lot more confidence to talk on a lot of different things, to be myself and allow life to roll through me and over me.

That is an awesome place to be... not the passing... but knowing what it feels like to not. Because right now I assume it's
100% fail... I assume that no one see's me as female, that the looks... are looks of pity, not lust, because I've not learned what
passing looks, sounds and feels like.

Great post Nichole

Amanda

[NicholeW.]

That is an awesome place to be... not the passing... but knowing what it feels like to not. Because right now I assume it's
100% fail... I assume that no one see's me as female, that the looks... are looks of pity, not lust, because I've not learned what
passing looks, sounds and feels like.

Great post Nichole

Amanda

Thanks, Mandi,

But, my dear, how do you think I know what that feels like? Because I never went through it? NOT. I have and probably could again. I've been laughed at in a crowded grocery store (more than once.) I've been stared at and talked about behind my back.

Not for about four years now, but, yep, it happened and it was not enjoyable.

Now, it doesn't. I'd be willing to bet that other women here who have had FFS and BAS etc would tell you the exact same thing. I bet there are other women here who haven't had those surgical modifications but have had good fortune in what modifications hrt made in them who would tell you that as well.

Much as some try to relegate 'process' and 'evolution' to non-starters, they both occur. The time is coming, probably a lot sooner than you think, when you as well are going to discover what 'the other side feels like.' Trust me, you don't forget what the beginning feels like, it just doesn't take place in one's current 'reality' after awhile.

As, I hope, my friend is discovering now that she's decided to leave her nest.

I know after seeing and reading heartaches from many that it doesn't 'evolve' or 'proceed' that way with everyone. But everyone can come to find confidence in herself, or himself, if they are willing to risk being wrong about 'what I can and cannot do.'

N~