Luckily I save long posts so I didn't had to retype this
Hi,
I'm Veerle, 21 years old and you could say i'm in transition from MtF.
The beginning of my "feelings" started around when i was about 11 and watching a wedding video from my parents, i couldn't imagine sitting there like my father, but i could see myself being as my mother, you know, beautiful wedding dress and all
On the other hand i could never imagine myself being with a man.
I was able to put things aside for a while untill i was 13; I saw this girl with magnificent clothing, and I wish I could have the same. I went to the attick where a lot of old curtains were lying and I started sewing untill I had something similar. When I pulled it on, I had a *woosh* of amazing feelings. I knew something like this was not tolerated where i'd live, so I hid things. I also wasn't that really close with my parents, so talking to someone about it was out of the question, besides I couldn't really phrase what to talk about.
I also learned in the meanwhile that i walked a bit feminine, which became "worse", other people started to notice, so I started to adjust that part, so nobody would notice. I also had no idea how to walk "proper" so i continued to fake a small injury i had from sports (I was very active in Judo untill I turned 18.), i walked a bit "limpy". And eventually my mother would say: "you walk a bit odd" (lol)
Anyway, i putted my feelings aside a lot, and actually became pretty numb regarding all my feelings. I felt "dead" and had the feeling i was acting, but why? no idea..... Back in 2001, when i was 14 / 15, I saw the announcement of a program regarding genderdsyforic people. Not only adults, but children too. I don't know why, but something was telling me I HAD to see it. There was a "girl" sitting there, explaining how I felt. It had a pretty devestating effect on me, I panicked, I recorded it and wasn't ready to see the rest of it, only days later. There was also this, well, "famous" transsexual as well, (Kelly van der Veer). Her story, something "broke" inside of me. Was this the reason I couldn't get along in the group, at school? And a lot of other things?
(Simple and unconsious hints)
There was also confusion, you see, the "classical" view of transsexuals (Like Kelly and the other "girl") is that they play with puppets, and girl toys at a young age. (Years later though I learned this was BS and not really the criteria for being TS.). But this "classical" view kept me going, saying to myself for years I wasn't a female trapped in a mans body. I pushed away my feelings and was reasoning every argument away. I kept going like this, untill i turned 16, I had enough of it, it was choking me. The only person i could talk to was this student guidance counselor (Or something like that in dutch.). But the problem was, I couldn't "phrase" my feelings (Because I blocked them.).
He couldn't help me either, an because he was pretty sloppy he forgot a lot of appoitnments. So, that wasn't really going to work out. I tried another attempt a year later, the only other person I could talk to was my aunt (A younger sister of my mother.), she was always the person who kept her head cool, even in the most severe situations. Though, just on the moment I tried to talk to her, she came to us, telling she had breast cancer.
I couldn't tell her anything about my problems while she was in panick about this. So, again, I kept my mouth shut. (Stupid, but I was afraid for the alternative, whatever that was.)
It took her almost a year and a half before she calmed down, and she got rid of the cancer, untill the next problem appeared, they had to remove her uterus. Again, I couldn't talk to anyone.
Things at school turned in disaster, I couldn't concentrate anymore, with my thoughts I was constantly somewhere else, I wanted to go home, pull on some female clothing so weight could drop of my shoulders. To be honest, while wearing female clothing there was less of a "storm" in my head, and I was able to do my homework more proper. But I couldn't go on like that. I went to my GP, and asked if he could refer me to a psychologist. Which he did. I was putted on a waiting list for it, after a intake with a friendly psychiatrist. (Things work a little bit differently here than in the US, somewhere i'm lucky with that if i read some topics, and for some part it's crappy too.)
I had kept my mouth shut for so long, boxing in my feelings, so I "collapsed", I don't know if you could call it a depression, because it didn't really felt that way. But a couple of physical effects did appear.
It happened right after my holiday in Norway where I broke my ankle in a fight with a "good" friend of mine. I lied down for 3 months. And after those 3 months I didn't really recover. I was soooooo tired all the time, I needed more and more sleep, eventually sleeping 18 hours a day and it still didn't feel enough for me........
I stopped going to school, I went to the student guidance counselor, and she said i could take a break, I filled in some papers for the college funding, and that was that.
Then I finally talked to a psychologist, where he completely disregarded my gender issues. And he was thinking about "Avoidant personality disorder". While reading back, yes, some are correct, but i wanted to talk about my gender issues. (And actually a close friend of mine read about it as well, and laughed about the psychologist's incompetence. He literally said: what a bunch of BS, i don't recognise you in this at all, who is that idiot?).
He referred me to another psychologist, who was so-called trying to help me. I was sick 'n tired, I wanted him to refer me to someone who knows something about gender issues. Which he did. I was referred to a sexuologist (I hope it's spelled correctly.).
The first things they both tried, get in touch with "myself", let go of my feelings. Stop reasoning things, but "feel" them.
Oh boy (or girl), was I in for a ride.........
To make the last bit more short. (It's actually longer than I thought it would be.) I found myself, sort of speak, now I finally know when buying clothing I felt like I was watching in the wrong rack. And why i never could find something that would "fit" me. I finally know why I felt why I didn't recognise myself in the mirror. (It felt like I was looking to someone, who is passing by on the side of the street, someone you vaguely know, but don't greet to.......), etc. etc.
And, since 24th of April I live as female 24/7 but only with Androcur, not the full package deal hormones
I registered my name a while ago, but I didn't bother to introduce myself because of a lot of "issues" not mentioned above.
This is actually the first forum I introduce myself to. I wish it was more easy to be part of the dutch equivalent of
susans.org, but on that forum used to be a lot of hostility towards each other (Maybe because of the different type of hormones the TS get there, dunno.). And after banning the 2 whirlwinds on that forum things got really quiet there........... So, I came here, more information, more activity, and more friendly people
Greetz,
Veerle
P.S. sorry if my english isn't that well.
