learning who I am

[Kara Lee]

I am reposting this from another site I visit to get some more feedback about it.

I'm in the process of finding where I am comfortable with myself and I think I have done so, but I don't know how others would take it.
I know I will never pass, even with makeup, I am ok with that and can accept that. I'm not interested in makeup anyway. I'm comfortable in my t-shirts, jeans and sneakers and have no interest in dresses, heels or anything with dressing up "girly". I've been on hrt for almost 5 months and am feeling more alive in my adult life than ever before, like a part of myself is slowly waking up. As I can afford it, I will getting electrolysis and finally rid myself of much unwanted facial hair. I'm letting my hair grow out while looking for a new hairstyle, it will certainly be an easy to care for style.
I'm interested in women, I don't even have one real guy friend. I am comfortable with being lesbian, but don't know how they will take my non-fem looks. Will I be a guy to them or can any accept the fact that I'm female and just call me butch. I know, labels suck but sometimes it makes a conversation go quicker. Browsing the internet I found a term that seems to fit with what I am trying to describe, it's soft-butch.
I have my first therapist meeting next Tuesday and am hoping to be able to explain how I am feeling about this to her in a way that she can understand.
I hope this is making sense because it isn't to me right now. I think I've been awake to long and need some sleep.

I think what I was trying to ask is can I have any kind of acceptance with how I want to live?  I don't think I am doing well with getting my thoughts into words.

[Sephirah]

I guess the first question is: who is it that you want acceptance from? Those around you, or yourself?

I think that once you can accept yourself, and be comfortable with who you are and how you live your life, then it will be easier for others to accept you.

I've often had similar thoughts about my appearance making a difference to whether I'll be attractive to my partner, and even thought about the 'butch' thing. But that word, I think, seems to fit far more than just the way someone looks. It covers attitude, approach to life, thoughts, speech, the way you express yourself, the way you feel about things in your life.

And whilst it's possible for someone to appear one way, that doesn't make them essentially the same way on an emotional and spiritual level. You can look like an A1 Abrams Battle Tank (lord knows, I do) but still find beauty in the smallest flower and cry at a sad movie. Butch is a state of mind, is what I guess I'm trying to say.

In an ideal world, a prospectve partner would be able to see past what lies on the surface, and be able to penetrate to the heart, and learn what you're really all about. However, that's in an ideal world. Superficiality is something that's very real. Which is unfortunate.

There are all kinds of people in this world, though. And the ones that you form the deepest connections with are the ones that see you for who you are. You're a woman inside, and that's what counts. When it comes to feelings, emotions, love, expression... you're all female. And that can't be fully hidden by anything, even your own desires to do so.

I'm sure you'll find someone who sees you for who you are, and not for how you think you look.

I wish you luck and that you find some peace. *hugs*

[Sonia Keys]

Hi Kara,

Nice to meet you as another brand new member here at Susan's.  Your post did make sense and you sound rational and realistic and grounded.  So what if you don't prefer to wear dresses?  You are yourself.  It's best of all to be happy with yourself and not try to be something you're not.  Then you shine naturally, even in jeans and sneakers.  (Hey, I'm in jeans and a t-shirt at work here and a few minutes ago a co-worker told me I was looking "cute" today.)  Forget labels, forget passing, forget expectations.  Be yourself.  So you're worried about acceptance by women?  It's mixed, and that's just the way things are.  Mixed means there are lots of totally accepting people.  You'll find them. 

I think you'll love growing into this as you do the facial hair removal.  It really helps on lots of levels.  And gosh, growing out your natural hair.  *sigh*  Wish I could.  Each little thing you do like this that is a true expression of your femininity really boosts your self image and confidence and your internal sense of being a woman.  The really cool thing is that it's enough to do these things that are really you.  You don't have to wear dresses if that's not you.  All women don't wear dresses.  All women aren't straight.  All lesbians aren't...and see, there are no rules.  There is no one way to be a woman, and yet we can all be women in our own way.

Sonia

[Kara Lee]

Thanks
Leiandra, what you described was what I had been trying to say.  It is more than looks when I say I feel comfortable with calling myself 'butch'.  My outlook, attitude, just how I feel is what I really mean by that, in part.  I was just sort of mixing things and not being clear enough in that post about that, but one part of that is how I present myself.  It is just going to take time for me to learn what works for me.  I just get so impatient sometimes, lol.
Thank you both for helping to remind me that there will be accepting people out there.  I just need top be patient in looking for good friendships.

[amie]

The input I have to offer is nothing cerebral by any means nor is it seasoned with experience like most individuals on this site. Simply, what your feeling inside is by far the greatest gift/benefit of HRT, or so I've heard and would love to know first hand. As far as not diggin' any of the girlygirl stuff, that's cool. I know I would eat it up-but that's me or somebody else out there that feels that way. Asthetically speaking, Girls are typically far more superficial about themselves than thier desired intimate partner. I don't speak from applied experience unfortunately, but I can tell yu the man In my dreams isn't exactly angelically pretty. Your inner warmth and beauty will provide you with someone well worth having and well deserved, Im sure.