Hello. I was told to come here from another trans forum... How do I say this...
I'm having tough times. I told my mom that I thought I was trans a few months ago, and she immediately put me in counseling to "undo" it. My counselors seem to side with transition, but I've only had 5 total visits with them. I'm very early in the process, without an official diagnosis of GID. I feel I would only truly be happy with my body if I could have a mostly natural-looking, functioning, and feeling transition. I know some people are content with more synthetic methods, but I am one of the perhaps unrealistic transmen who will opt for a transplant. That discussion is for another thread, although, I don't intend to argue about it. I came here hoping people would be less argumentative.
I know what my identity is and how I feel. But I have a family that denies me that feeling. They want to force me female. My mother strictly forbids binding and other coping methods that she considers "self destructive," so I haven't been able to purchase a quality binder (and instead work with home made tools). This makes things hard. I have small breasts, so on the other forum I was on, I had some transmen get mad at me and told me to "quit whining" because their breasts were larger and more of a problem for them in regards to passing... but I think breasts of any size that are not average for males is a struggle for transmen, passable or not... I guess you can already tell I am quite defensive by nature. A lot of this has to do with the fact that my family attacks me about my gender identity on a regular basis, so I'm in a defensive state of mind.
I regret my birthsex. I feel like my life was a whole waste being born this way. But people have given me hope. They say transition is possible, and that I might be able to mostly fix what I feel went wrong biologically. Well, my mom says to me, "God doesn't make mistakes, you ARE a girl, that's WHO you are." I say, "God doesn't make mistakes, he made me a female-bodied boy. He also gave me an amazing brain so that I can figure this out. Problem solving. Problem solving." Now, I am
not religious, and I apologize if that offends anyone. I do not believe in God. But when I talk about God, it is in the "if God exists..." tone. I can't prove it either way. But the fact is, if a God created me, either He/She/it REALLY ->-bleeped-<-ed up and made me the wrong sex OR they intentionally made me transgendered. As cruel as that may sound.
My parents are divorced, and I am a young adult. I will be moving up with my dad this summer... He is not so "opposed" to my gender identity, although he does share concerns with my mom. He, however, doesn't try to MAKE me be a girl. Living with him will hopefully be a lot better on me. But if both my parents turn out, say, bigots, I may end up on my own. I hear that it is not uncommon for transpeople to be rejected by their parents.
So I have a problem "settling." Settling with a phalloplasty, which isn't a real penis. Settling with a name I don't want (my parents don't want me to call myself "Daniel," for numerous reasons). Settling with being "trans" for the rest of my life instead of "male," even post-transition. I know many transfolk share these wishes with me. I won't settle. I am a fighter. And I will insist that people don't call me their "transfriend" unless that is somehow RELEVANT to what they're talking about. You know? I don't want to be a "liar," but I hope to pass as male and raised a boy. I will tell people I am trans only if it is something that is relevant and matters. Like my doctor or a lover. Otherwise, I don't see why I have to wear the transcolors.
I am at this time also gay, as in a gay boy. I would consider myself straight (based on sex) if I was into vaginal sex, but I cannot touch that area without feeling terrible about myself, remembering that I was born this way, wishing it was somehow else. When I had a yeast infection, it was dreadful. "This only happens to girls," I kept thinking to myself. "Why me? Why was I born female? Why not some transgirl who wanted to be female? Why did we get so messed up like this?" That is why transition seems like such a great idea to me. I can fix it, at least most of it. I thought that only happened in fairy tales.
But as I said, my parents are very against it. I have to fight their full on hate-force. My mom says often that she doesn't have transpeople, but says, "I am 99% sure you do not have GID, and that this is all just a product of your mind." She insists on denying that I am a boy. She insists on making me her "princess."
Well, I am going to prom Saturday, May 31st. I'm wearing a suit. This looks like a direct act against my mom's wishes, but rather, it is doing what I wish. I want to wear a suit to prom. I look good in suits. And I like them. I don't like dresses. Heck, I'll admit it; I look good in dresses and I have a fantastic female body. But it isn't who I am. I sometimes wish I could give it to someone who wants to be size 0, petite, frail, pretty, and all that. But I work out. I eat in selected portions. I do everything I can to become more naturally masculine without testosterone, and I intend to get testosterone one day. Hopefully before I'm 20 and done growing.
This is my one life. My one chance. I can't depend on being reincarnated male. I've got to do something about THIS life. I can't settle with being female. Not if I'm a boy.
The title, my username, my signature... all have to do with my Blues Brothers fandom. I'm into older films.
Indiana Jones, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, etc etc etc... haha. I like to act. In a perfect word, I'd be a comedian, and wouldn't have to worry about people laughing at the ->-bleeped-<-, but, the funny man. I hope one day I can make that work... I don't want to be the next Eddie Izzard. Ze is so funny, and really cool, but I want to be remembered for my humor, not my "weirdness" (according to cisgendered people). I get depressed thinking about this. I'm just not sure if it'll work. If I succeed, I will eventually be "brought out" as a "closet ->-bleeped-<-." I want people to remember my words, my wit, not what's in my pants... it's hard. It's very hard. I'm sure a lot of you know!
You'll learn more about me from my posts. But I need to warn you guys now: I can be difficult. Argumentative. Even offensive sometimes. I'm too blunt, sometimes unclear. Write me off as a little naive. I am pretty young (just 18) and I sometimes misspeak. Sometimes, I mean exactly what I say and it's downright mean. Please be patient with me and tell me I'm wrong. You don't have to be polite about it, of course... because sometimes I have rudeness coming to me. But yeah, brace yourself and plant your feet strongly into the ground, because Elwood can sometimes be quite the storm.
Ah, yes, do call me Elwood, by the way. It's just easier to know it's me. I prefer "he" as a pronoun, but I won't get on your case if you slip up or call me "they." I'm really not into the pronoun police thing. I won't be overly offended even if someone says I'm female. That is a biological fact, at least at this time.
Oh, I have a couple more things. I am not a misogynist. I don't have anything against women. If I say something that sounds anti-female, it's typically against ME being female. But I don't have a problem with OTHER people being female. Also, I used to be transphobic and in denial about my own feelings. It's scary finding out your trans... or starting to call it that, if you haven't always felt that way (with those terms; I felt gender-free when I was younger, as most little kids don't seem to think about it). People will find me saying things that are inconsistent about myself and how I feel. Please don't get angry. Just tell me. I need to know when I'm directly in conflict with myself.
By the way, I've browsed the forums a bit, and there are a lot of pretty ladies here. I'm sure a lot of these girls are transgirls... I must say I'm impressed! Lots of pretty girls...
Now for the technical aspect. How/when can I have my own avatar?
For posting in the forums... I would also like to know if I have to earn permission to use the gallery as well? I'd like to show my face on here.
