Come one, Come all, to gaze at the freak known as Polymorphic.

[const]

I won't even bother to refute what my title says. I'll just give the total truth about how ugly I am. No amount of help will ever fix me.

F**k it. I'm not taking this topic down, but I'll save humanity from looking at my uglyness any longer.

[Nero]

Great title. But seriously, hon you're not ugly and you don't need 'fixed'.

[const]

Nero, I know better. I know I'm absolute crap compared to you all. And there's the honest proof that my words are not lies.

[Beyond]

I won't even bother to refute what my title says. I'll just give the total truth about how ugly I am. No amount of help will ever fix me.

Never say never:

http://beginninglifeforums.com/FFS.htm

Click on the pic of Madeleine and be amazed with the transformation!

[const]

Nice try. If anyone has anything good to say then let me hear it. I know I'm a stinken train wreck. Hell even Tink tried to say something nice in our little private message correspondence. I now know I'm a goblin.

As I thought, not a damn thing. Just silence and awkwardness.

Just more proof that geometry governs everything.

[NicholeW.]

I'm not gonna say anything nice in a PM, Poly. You are not ugly right this second. Okay? I said it in public!! 

Let me refer you to this. Remember what I suggested about allowing others to hold you esteem and the possibility of holding your joy for you until you able to do it for yourself? Here, let me allow you to refresh your memory. Link

Please re-read that. And remember to apologize to yourself, Poly.

O, I do understand that pain. O, so very well.

I know you don't want to look like a guy. You gotta work at it. You gotta give yourself time. In the meantime you are nice looking, period.

I have no intention of sending you a pic of the 'old me.' He went away and lives his own life elsewhere. Lost touch with him a few years ago.

Yeah, he managed somehow to protect me, hide me, until I was ready to face the world again. The pics I have of him are for just me, to remind me of a wonderful protector. I really hope he's well and at peace.

I'd love for you to be as well, luv. 




Nichole

[const]

Damn it. Stop trying to sweet talk me. Tink couldn't even say anything honest to god nice. I know I'm a f**kin monster. This world is about as nice as the people at my school. Now, you can see finally what hideous is like. And praise god that you don't look like me. Who can defend an ugly f**k like myself? I don't think so.

I think I'll just go restart if there is such a thing.  Maybe play a little with that handgun my parent's think they have hidden well.






Edited to remove Deity.

[tekla]

Well kid, the old adage is that 'beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.'  I'm not very good looking, but I know I'm pretty, because you are only as pretty as you feel, and I feel pretty.  Good enough.  But if you think you are ugly, then you are projecting ugly to people far and wide.  And who am I do disagree with what they think at that point?

[buttercup]

Damn it. Stop trying to sweet talk me. Tink couldn't even say anything honest to god nice. I know I'm a f**kin monster. This world is about as nice as the people at my school. Now, you can see finally what hideous is like. And praise god that you don't look like me. Who can defend an ugly f**k like myself? I don't think so.

I think I'll just go restart if there is such a thing.  Maybe play a little with that handgun my parent's think they have hidden well.

All I've got to say is that yes, there are some cruel people out there, but not on here, so please don't beat up people who are nice and kind and trying to help you.  And further more STOP beating yourself up! 
Ditch the low lifes at school.  What do they know anyway!
See a therapist that can help you with your self-persecution, it has to stop.
And...........you are not ugly...........but you're not going to listen to me............just had to say it anyway.

Edited to remove Deity from quote.

[Shana A]

Hey Poly, don't beat yourself up so badly! Yeah, I know all too well the effects that male hormones have, but if you decide it's right for you to do hrt or ffs, it can do wonders. Look around the site, various people have posted before and after pics, and the differences are remarkable.

hugs

Zythyra

[tekla]

When you understand that you are only as pretty as you feel, you will start feeling pretty.

[findingreason]

I think I'll just go restart if there is such a thing.  Maybe play a little with that handgun my parent's think they have hidden well.

Polymorphic, I know where you are, I know you hate yourself right now; I was there myself a little over a year ago. Please stop beating yourself up so badly, it does no good. Suicide or self-destructive tendencies are not the answer. I thought I could restart too, and I tried to do so, but thank goodness I scared myself out of it so many times, or I wouldn't be typing this right now. As others mentioned, it isn't what is on the outside that matters; you are only as pretty/beautiful as you think you are. Heck, look at all the "pretty" models out there that believe they are ugly. It just goes to show that outside appearance isn't everything; peace with one's self only comes from acceptance within.

Just try and relax, everything will be alright 

[const]

I know I'm wearing out my welcome and tiring some people's patience with my self doubt. But thank you everyone for at least trying to support a member of this forum. Well, except maybe tekla... I don't want to say tekla isn't suffering any less than me. He/she probably has just as many demons as me. But, I'm sorry, he/she just gives me bad vibes for some reason. Regardless, I do appreciate tekla's input. He/she doesn't say nice things but he/she does say the right thing.

I tend to think I'm a real life Shinji Ikari or Hinata in this world. I'm filled with self doubt and hatred for myself. Like Hinata or Shinji this hatred is deep and goes back a long time. I just don't like myself. I don't like being this way. I just wish I could stop it. But I don't want to keep it welled up inside me anymore. I want help. I'm crying for it. Once again Thank you everyone for trying to support one of your own.

I promise I'll try and stop this pernicious hatred of myself if I can. I truly don't enjoy it.

[Beyond]

I used to hate myself too. I had spent my whole life trying to please others and live up to their expectations.  And all I had to show for it was misery.  I decided I was going to break that ->-bleeped-<-ing cycle and do what I truly wanted.  I was going to transition or die trying.  Got a divorce, moved 1000 miles, got a new job, new place to live and started the process of transition immediately.  I researched like a maniac, spending thousands of hours on-line and planning everything out.  For the first time in my life I took control.  I worked, I saved, I got zapped, I did therapy, I stepped out into the world and loved it and finally got my surgeries.  And along the way I became a new person.  Somehow the pessimist became an optimist and the sour puss went bye bye.  Life is good.


And all because I believed.


Believe in yourself and you can make ANYTHING happen.

[NicholeW.]

... I'll try and stop this pernicious hatred of myself if I can. I truly don't enjoy it.

I'm glad to see your promise. Try to keep it; and I promise it's not going to be easy for you. You've ingrained a lot of loathing for yourself. That's never easy to reduce, but with some hard work and working to get better in ways Beyond wrote about, it can be done.

I don't think anyone here believes you enjoy this, Poly. Your patterns and core beliefs have become so solid it's just almost impossible for you to see through them and past them to possibility. A lot of folks who aren't T of any stripe have that same difficulty.

takla can be hard to take sometimes, because tekla is a pretty much 'place-it-on-the-table' kinda guy. If tekla's taking some time to post to your posts though, I know they care about your making it through this. You may not like the message or how it's given, but the care is there.

The main thing is when you are toxic inside yourself not to release that toxicity on other members. They, just like you, have had enough of having others' toxicity released on them and this is a safe place for all of us to express ourselves. Please try to always keep that in mind. Like Butterfly said, your enemies are not here.

I'm glad to see you this morning with a better feeling and a willingness to make attempts to get better. It's a wonderful start!!

You ARE going to do this. You have the power.

Love,

Nichole

[Buffy]

I am glad to see you return and post Polymorphic. I was up at 5am this morning answering PM's and trying to work out how best to help you.

It's human nature to rally around people in times of need and that has happened to you in your recent posts.

The negativity and pain in your life is clear to see, people here are genuine in their resonses and in no way do they deserve to be chastized for wanting to help and support you.

There are many of us (such as me), who struggled over many years with our own internal demons, who can now look back and see how the support of others truly got us through some bad  & dark times in our lives.

Our own perception of how we look no way reflects how the rest of society perceives us, I struggled with this for years, even post op, until my best friend sat me down one day and simply asked the question."when would I actually like myself, how many more surgeries must I have to perceive myself as a woman ?"... She was right, I realized then that I had to try and see what other people saw in me. It is still tough, photos, mirrors are my nemesis and I hate to look at myself,but I try for my friends.

You will undoubtedly find your own answers in due time, but there are many people here who share your pain and your anquish, allow them the curteousy of being able to show that support.

Buffy

[const]

Thank you Buffy, Nichole, and Beyond. I really appreciate what you have said.

[findingreason]

Hi Polymorphic, I'm glad you are doing better and making a promise to make life better for yourself.

I promise I'll try and stop this pernicious hatred of myself if I can. I truly don't enjoy it.

As Nichole said, it won't be easy as your patterns are deeply ingrained in yourself. Just believe in yourself. I know it can be very hard, and it will take effort to get out of the pitfall you fell through, but you will get out. Know that it will take time. Try to take each day as it comes.

A year ago, I used to hate the person staring back at me whenever I looked at a mirror, and I hated me with a passion. And now, even though I've broken past my tendencies, and as much as I have improved in the past year, those old thought patterns will try to come back to haunt from time to time, especially when I am depressed. Whenever I see a knife, the thought of suicide still lurks in some corner of my mind, as it became a very ingrained thought back then, and I have to do my best to dismiss it. So know that this is an ongoing process and it will take time. We're all in this together  .

I know I am not as helpful as the other senior members like Nichole, Beyond, and Buffy, but I do hope my posts have helped you in some way.

[Wing Walker]

To the moderators:  I am not aware that this is not in the public domain.  If I have erred, please excuse me.

Hi, Polymorphic,

This is for your consideration

Desiderata

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --
Not "Found in Old St. Paul's Church"! -- see below

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
***************************

I hope that this is of use to you.

Wing Walker