A Father By Any Other Name

[Shana A]

A Father By Any Other Name
Filed by: Donna Rose
June 2, 2008 7:00 PM

http://www.bilerico.com/2008/06/a_father_by_any_other_name.php

Every year just before Father's Day I get a call from a news agency wanting to interview me about how transsexual parents celebrate this annual celebration of dads. I certainly can't answer for all transsexuals - I can only answer for me. I have a 22-year old son, and they've been making these calls to me since 2003 when he was a mere teenager. I've gotten used to it, and in fact I'm comfortable with it to the point that I still answer their calls.

The crux of their questioning revolves around the inherent problem we have when language can't effectively articulate what's really happening in our culture. How do MTF transsexuals - women who at one point fathered a child - celebrate Father's Day? What does my son call me? Will he get me a Father's Day card? Am I uncomfortable with that? I acknowledge that these aren't the deepest, most pressing questions that we're facing. But I do believe they're important to discuss, or at least to highlight. The broad tapestry of human existance far surpasses our ability to use words to accurately describe or explain it. That is, the finite number of words we have don't effectively explain the infinite number of ways to be who or what we are.

[Sandy]

I have always been a father to my daughters.  Even now they call me dad.  Sometimes it is awkward, but I am always proud to be their father.

Perhaps as Donna said, the awkwardness is because of the language we speak.  My daughters will often refer to me in the feminine but with the honorific of father: "My dad, she..."

I made it clear when I transitioned that I did not have any intension of usurping their mother's place.  I did not want to be called "Mom".  I could never do that.  But, I felt that I did not belong to the fathers day crowd any longer.  So I asked that I not receive any Fathers Day cards or gifts.  And for Mother's Day all the women in our family celebrate that day together.  We exchange cards, and have a dinner together that celebrates the maternal in all of us.  Two ex-spouses, two adult daughters, a lovely granddaughter, my partner and myself.  It was lovely.

Besides, Mothers day comes first!

About the only one who perhaps suffers in all of this is my wonderful son in law.  He knew me for several years before I transitioned and we were the only two guys that celbrated Fathers day.  Now he is the only one.  But perhaps that is good because he is celbrated as the wonderful man that he is.  He never questioned my motives and wants me to be happy.  To his credit he has NEVER made a mistake in my name or pronoun.  I love that man.  My daughter is very lucky!

I will celbrate his Fatherhood this year and be happy that my daughter has a wonderful husband, and my granddaughter and a wonderful father and my yet to be born grandchild is going to be born into a loving extended family.

-Sandy

[cindianna_jones]

I always call my dad and wish him a happy day.  I hear nothing from my children.  It doesn't bother me so much.  I can understand it perfectly. But I will tell you that I am so proud of my kids.  They are truly wonderful human beings.

Cindi

[Sheila]

I don't get any fathers day things. I don't mind if my daughter calls me dad as that is who I am. She tries not to call me dad in public but it slips out every once in a while. It really doesn't bother me now, not like it use to. I guess I have matured as a woman. My son hasn't talked to me or his mother in about 5 years now. Very sad.