I Cannot Win . . .

[Robin C.]

You know, I spend a huge wealth of time by myself most of the time - however, the feeling of loneliness is rare to me.

tomorrow, I'll be going to the endocrinologist for the first time to get my hormone prescription. I was excited until a public comment my mother made today at a graduation ceremony at church. Our church [rather large] were acknowledging the graduating seniors [they had a projector that showed baby pictures and other photography from the past for the world to see. THAT ALONE I wasn't fond of at all. I hate my "past life"]. During a luncheon after services, each of our parents were given the large microphone to say something about their kid. My mom said a few flattening words before finally saying, while chocking under tears and staring me in the eyes that she wanted me to be a MAN [noticeable pause] after god's heart - and she also discussed through sobs where my name came from [David] and why it was based on the bible character.

I hated the position she put me in - because I simply could not live up to that. I want to make her happy but how can I? It's impossible. I couldn't be this "man" she wanted me to be [partly because I follow Buddhism now - she doesn't know this either]. I saw myself juxtaposed against all those other grads. I felt humiliated, embarrassed, and utterly hopeless for the 90 mins I had to watch presentations of everyone else's baby pictures while the parents rave on about how proud they are of how their kid turned out. One parent even boasted that their daughter was "easy to raise" and was "parent friendly". The wrestling coach's son loved wrestling - one of the 9 of us happened to be a star quarter-back and prom king at their school. When the agonizing humiliation was over, I quickly drove back home - forgetting both my graduation present and my MP3 player at the building - ran to my room and cried for like 4 hours. I wanted someone to talk to other than a soggy pillow, sorry.

I'm upset because it seems I have to work 3 times as much to get a small fraction of the progress that other people make my age to win the approval of parents. It's very important to me because I hate making people cry but its so hard, I try so hard but I feel that I just can't win. It almost makes me feel that being miserable is a good option - because at least I won't be hurting anyone anymore.

[NickSister]

I really feel for you Robin C.
What should have been a triumph came out horrid. To be emotionally blackmailed, that was what it was, in such a public context is really unfair. She picked her moment well to create the most hurt.

I can't help feeling your mum is also in pain or she would not be doing this. She wants you to be a man because that is the child in her mind she gave birth to (after gods manly heart  ). I see it as analogous to the incongruence between our minds and bodies. She wants to be proud of you but is struggling between her beliefs or vision of what should be and what is . Sometimes is takes a lot of time and love and patients and baby steps and a lot of tears to get where you want. Sometimes you hit a wall.

I hope things work out for the best Robin no matter what your future holds.

[Robin C.]

Thank you - that was so sweet. I really needed that

[Nero]

Are you out to your mom?

[Robin C.]

I am - she attends all my gender therapy sessions and we even went to PFlag once.

[tekla]

she attends all my gender therapy sessions and we even went to PFlag once.

I'd say you won something in that that many in here would consider an ultimate pipe dream.  Many whose parents will not talk to them, or associate with them.  So that is huge.

So, she looks to her church for some support.  It is the real reason for churches in the first place I think.  I don't think she hoped to make you feel bad, but tried to say something hopeful at least to her.

[Robin C.]

I know - which is why I want to make her happy because she's an important part of my life. And I also want her to see Robin and appreciate the fact that she could be a MUCH better daughter than a son. I dunno - I feel better but I still feel bad about letting her hopes/dreams down.

[Lisbeth]

It's very important to me because I hate making people cry but its so hard, I try so hard but I feel that I just can't win. It almost makes me feel that being miserable is a good option - because at least I won't be hurting anyone anymore.

No, being miserable is not a good option.  I tried it for decades, and came close to destroying myself and everyone around me.

[cindianna_jones]

You can win.  But it is your choice to walk away from these tactics.  Don't let others define what constitutes victory. 

Love your parents and support them.  They may come around.  You are at least starting with more support than many of us here have had.  I was disowned and told to move to another state.  My parents have come round to some degree and we do enjoy spending time together.

Cindi

[Alex]

I think your Mother obviously is having a hard time and needs some support but I think speaking out at Church like that is a bad way to find it.  It sounds like it was done in a weak moment though and if she wants support then I hope she can find it through less destructive means.

I would imagine those whose opinions you care about would like to hear your side of the story as well though (do the children get a chance to say something about their parents?)

[NicholeW.]

I can imagine how horrid that all felt to you, Robin. 

As others have said she's obviously struggling as well; and although she chose a bad time for you to ask for help from her congregation she obviously felt she couldn't hold it all herself anymore. That may actually be good in some ways for you. The more relief she gets, the less of the pent-up frustration and denial she's gonna have.

As a parent I can tell you that sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is to watch and be supportive when your child embarks on a path you feel is, or will be, might be, hurtful to them. Personally, I am happy and grateful that none of my children have anything that indicates any degree of GID. It is very difficult to win one's way through the strangle-hold it can have on one's life.

That she loves you, there seems no doubt. That it's not always expressed in ways that seem positive to you is a problem most of us suffer through and others suffer from us as well. But, you are definitely ahead in life: you do have that love and the best support right now your parents can give you.



Nichole

[JackieR]

...I saw myself juxtaposed against all those other grads. I felt humiliated, embarrassed, and utterly hopeless for the 90 mins I had to watch presentations...

This feeling was in your own mind, right?  The congregation didn't actually compare you to all the other graduates, did they?

What of the other 8 out of 9 graduates that were not prom-kings or quarterbacks?  Were you so wrapped up in not being a phenomenal success, that you may have missed how many of the other grads weren't really perfect?   Unless you knew their private lives, to compare with what their parents' said, how could you know.

Food for thought:
If feels like you're being singled out, but reality is many people feel that way - and gender isn't a factor in that feeling.  They can't seem to please nor get along with their parents.  How many didn't make the cut for the cheerleader squad, or football/basketball/soccer/hockey teams?  ..or the band?  For every kid that made it, many didn't - and many are sitting there silent in church feeling bad too...  Since they don't all cry out, you just aren't aware you're not reall alone.

Yes, Second Place is often caused "first loser".  That's a Marines motivational sound-bite, to spur people; however, some take the negative connotation to heart... that they really are losers.   ...and what of the people that ranked third through last place - all 60+ of them?  Are they all losers?  Compared to who?

Parents:
Most parents try to live through their children.  They see their son/daughter as a extension of themselves (biologically, that's kind of true, but even adoptive parents feel the same way).  Straight/gay/trans, doesn't matter when it comes to being a valedictorian, sports, or social superstar.  Frankly, I'm THRILLED that my child isn't on drugs/alcohol, doesn't have a criminal record, and isn't reproducing yet.  But that's NOT something you shout out in church - not in those exact words.  Maybe that's what boasting that their daughter was "easy to raise" and was "parent friendly" is all about.   Do you actually fit that category, and mom just couldn't find those words?

So, while you felt this event was all about demeaning you more, conceder that it might possibly just been a normal annual social event, and that while the over-achievers liked to brag, YOU are no less a person because of it.  You are who you are - like the majority of the people in this world, just trying to move forward each day.   ...and like most everyone else - with your parents in tow.

Sorry to hear of how it hurt, but thanks for sharing such a CLEAR picture of what you're thinking, as it will help me with my children - neither are the "top" of the pile, and they don't need to think there is only a top and bottom, the majority of successful people are somewhere in the middle.  I hope some day you're feeling you're the middle-successful/happy person too.  Best wishes Robin C.

[Robin C.]

Well, I went to my endocrinologist for my consultation. I was excited though my mom was a bit quiet and withdrawn. The doctor was about 45 mins late and the whole thing took about 3 hours [though I was having a blast]. Through the whole bit though, my mom had what I think is usually the face/mood/attitude that I have whenever there is some kind of social event that really calls me to be stereotypically fitting for my "role". 'That sort of defeated, helpess, withdrawn look that says "This isn't how it should be". I hope she comes around when she sees more of Robin as a person and less of a concept.

Thank you, Jackie and Nichole *hugs* - I've really hated ceremonial type things for that very reason - not that I never feel accomplished - its just that everyone seems to have adopted a very mainstream idea of what accomplishment and success is - Definitions that are based on expectation of others and less on personal peace achieved by the individual. The more I look around the more I get this vibe that the idea is to submit to a rigid social ideal so you can buy your status in order to appeal to those who judge you. I really feel that a world where everyone tries to tell you what should be important to you doesn't come easy or natural to me, which makes me a "parent unfriendly" child - and this is, apparently, bad. 

But I'm relatively happy so I don't care too much about that stuff anymore. It's just nervous and depressing seeing my mom struggle with my ->-bleeped-<- - I just don't like feeling that I'm the source of someone else's pain its really been bugging me and its really one of the last things about transition that I've struggled with internally. Though I think she's shown some progress since I came out anyway.

Alex: They don't, but if they did I don't think it would matter. I'm not good with that sort of thing, and I'm not sure if anything I could say would sort of reverse the polarity of what she said.

[NicholeW.]

It's just nervous and depressing seeing my mom struggle with my ->-bleeped-<- - I just don't like feeling that I'm the source of someone else's pain its really been bugging me and its really one of the last things about transition that I've struggled with internally.

You're most welcome, luv. *HUGS back*

Now, what you said there sounds more like the problem than what you originally said. Yes, that's truly difficult. But, I betcha she's gonna find, when she sees that you are well and content, that she has a wonderful daughter, quite by surprise! *laugh*

Best,

Nichole