I'm soooo miserable :(

[Matthew J. F]

As a little biological girl I often wonder why I felt the way I feel about my gender. I mostly played with the boys and only wanted boys toys, not barbies and other feminine girlish toys.

I've met an interesting FTM guy on youtube a while ago and I truly enjoyed watching his videos about being trans. He really opened me up to let me know that I'm not alone with these feelings.

I'm tired of being a woman, I haven't yet enjoyed being a female within the last 24 years of my life. I feel that my life would be so much better if I was born a Male instead of female.

Because of my psychiatric history I don't think I would be eligible for a transformation from Female to Male. I heard it isn't easy and very expensive to be FTM because of the Henry Benjamin Standards of Care and the heavy cost of the surgery it's self, which requires notes from the quakes (more money,ugh!).

I'm stuck having Cup D breasts (I call them my two huge none cancerous tumors), having PMS and people who keeps telling me that I'm beautiful as a woman.

Just recently I found a wonderful game called Second Life. I downloaded it and installed the software onto my computer and when it came to picking a name, I choose the name that I was suppose to have

I was never this happy before playing the game. At least I can have two lives to live instead of one miserable one

[Lutin]

One of the most important things I've learnt from Susan's in the few months I've been here is that you're never alone in feeling a certain way. I think the saying in cinema is that if you want to see a movie about a particular topic, then chances are that other people do too. Same thing here - if you feel a certain way, it's highly likely that you're not the only one. I'm FtM, and although your case sounds more acute (? my case definitely isn't that bad, but not bad as in horrible, bad as in severe...if that makes sense...), I know that there are people here whose cases are very similar to yours. 

Have you been to a gender therapist? I've heard they can be a bit exy, but it could help...

All the best, J.M.

Lutin

[JackieR]

As a little biological girl I often wonder why I felt the way I feel about my gender. I mostly played with the boys and only wanted boys toys, not barbies and other feminine girlish toys.

I've met an interesting FTM guy on youtube a while ago and I truly enjoyed watching his videos about being trans. He really opened me up to let me know that I'm not alone with these feelings.

I'm tired of being a woman, I haven't yet enjoyed being a female within the last 24 years of my life. I feel that my life would be so much better if I was born a Male instead of female.

You know the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."

Because of my psychiatric history I don't think I would be eligible for a transformation from Female to Male. I heard it isn't easy and very expensive to be FTM because of the Henry Benjamin Standards of Care and the heavy cost of the surgery it's self, which requires notes from the quakes (more money,ugh!).

How could psychiatric history interfere with transformation?  (If you care to vaguely tell us what could exclude such.)  I would only think a psychiatrist would question transformation if a person had BPD or other such issues where gender misunderstandings were a symptom of a psychological issue, rather than a simple, born in the wrong body-type issue.

[Wing Walker]

Hello, J.M.,

Sorry to hear of your misery.  It's a common theme in the lives of all of us who were born into the wrong body, but it is individual pain nonetheless.

In 2002 I asked for help from all at Susan's who read my posting.  I needed help to start transitioning.  Their unanimous advice was to see a gender therapist.

I took that advice and 92 days after starting with the gender therapist I was taking estrogen.

I realize that your path is different from mine and is by its very nature more complex.  I had no benign D-cup tumors or any other female features on my body.  And I had no idea of what I missed as a young girl, a teenager, and beyond.

May I suggest that you ask your psychiatrist for a referral to a gender therapist, or make the phone calls and find one?  As for your psychiatric condition, I learned many years ago to leave the doctoring to the doctors.  I refuse to do self-diagnosis.  Perhaps you will be well-served by this.

J.M., I will pray for whatever you need to get you through your situation.  We are all part of one another.

Wing Walker
Flying My Way Since 2002

[cindianna_jones]

JM,

You are not alone. We've all felt isolated and out of touch with reality. After all... how sane is this any way?  We all have a history of problems because at our very core, we are unhappy people.  Self destructive behaviours are common place.  Don't worry about getting support from a professional.  You'll get it if you are honest.

Take care bud.

Cindi

[Matthew J. F]

Wow thanks everybody for replying to my posts. It's been difficult for me to build up the courage to post here. I really appreciate it a lot!

JackieR,
I'll tell you guys what my psychiatric labels are. I'm not afraid to reveal them because I do not believe in what they've diagnose me of having because I was in a state of a life crises at the time, My mother died so I thought it was perfectly rational to what I was feeling emotionally. I was experiencing bereavement.

After my mother died I made a stupid mistake of going into the hospitals psychiatric unit to get support, I have a dysfunctional family so they were of no help to me. The only support that I received from them are chemicals that my body doesn't need. I was hospitalized total of 6 times, 3 from a stupid decisions and 3 involuntary under the Baker act law in Florida. I was diagnose of having Borderline personality disorder and Bipolar. I know deep inside that these were unfair misdiagnoses from the psychiatrists who only seen me and my behavior while I was having a life crises. I know I'm not none of these labels. I'm not a perfect individual human but I know a lot more about myself than some other person who happens to have an M.D behind their names.

Wing Walker,
I have to respectfully disagree with you. I've watched so many discovery health programs to understand that you should never leave the doctoring to the doctors. If your doctor says that the reason why your heart is pounding fast is because you're having an anxiety attack and prescribes you benzos, you should go to another doctor. I've watched this program where this young girl was having these odd symptoms and the doctors was frustrated because they didn't know what was going on with the young girl so they claimed that she was crazy and needed to be hospitalized for psychiatric treatment. At the end of the program the young girl found a reputable and responsible doctor and the doctor found what the girl has been suffering for years and began treating her.

Theirs sooo many misdiagnoses that it came sometimes be fatal by prescribing medications for the wrong illnesses.

[Lutin]

That's unfortunately very true. *Sometimes* doctors do know what they're talking about (i.e. the nice reputable doctors), but then there are the doctors that make you go *find* a reputable one... I have a very bad cough, and no doctor could figure out what it was, and so because it caused me to miss a lot of school (they ignored the fact that a) it would happen in the school holidays too, and b) that I liked school), they said it was all in my head, I was guilty of causing it myself, etc. etc.. I was 10-11 when they told me this, so as you can imagine now, *whenever* I get sick, I always think am I really sick, or am I just making myself sick? Which is a really horrible thing to think when you've quite obviously got gastro or something! It took *four* specialists before I saw someone who said that having a bronchoscopy to see if they could find what the problem was might actually be a good idea.

A GOOD doctor, however, is truly brilliant. If only there were more reputable doctors!

And glad you did post here, J.M. Took me ages, too, but talking things through really does help sometimes. Keep posting, and never be afraid to ask for help or to just vent.

*hugs*

Lutin