I have posted this story to so many boards that It tires me to rewrite it. So I will just give you part of a "coming out" letter I sent to my aunt and uncle. I found this site in the process of searching for information on being TS at NIU in IL.
I was wondering if things had changed since I was there. I was treated rather poorly by the psychologist there. I am hoping perhaps my bad experience taught all of them some lessons.
I hope to be able to meet and get to know you all better.
___ The following is quite lengthily and included for completeness.
All my life I have acted and reacted more like a female than a male. This is not rooted in any sense of inferiority or any such paternalistic, manly point of view. Nor is this about some "feeling of gender identity" It just the way I am and have been for as long as I can remember. From my doing my nails with my mother at age 7 to my interest and hobbies. At about 13 I saw an older girl who I had played with, at a fair. She was with her boyfriend. I told her "I want to be like you and have a boyfriend like yours.." This focused all of what had happened up until then and shaped what was to come. I acquired hormones by any means necessary. By 14 people who did not know me to be a male thought I was female unless I told them and I did if necessary. Many people who did not know better thought (and most still think) the name Hontas is a girls name due to it's association with Pocahontas. Often I did not challenge this. I was raped once, I never told anyone of this. I will even admit to having let a guy think I was his girlfriend. Because he was very big and would beat the snot out of anyone who would mess with me. While at the same time treated me with respect and gentleness. The only break was for a while when I was in California, I was not willing to do what I would have to have done to get money, for hormones there (prostitution, porno, etc). Had I stayed longer perhaps I would have.
Anyway I got back to IL and planned on doing this right out of high school. Then had legal trouble. Then once that passed I went to get help from the psychologist at the university I attended. I went to him just wearing shorts and a halter top, hair done. He did not know, and his eyes indicated he was attracted, until I told him I was male. This psychologist blew a gasket. He cursed me and said "get out of my office you pervert Like I had admitted to being a cannibal. The psych department made him apologies, but the damage was done. All the rest of my time there he gave me a strange look. Like he wanted to tell. Which could have gotten me killed. After that I spent the next 4 1/2 years living as a male as much as possible. I converted to Islam from atheism out of true belief. Not part of a ploy to be more manly. I have tried sex with women twice, It was ok. Kind of like a dry chicken sandwich on white bread with no mayonnaise or mustard. One of these women held absolutely nothing back. She did things that make man make noises like the principal in Forest Gump. My reaction was to fall asleep, wile she was doing her thing. I was constantly on guard to make sure I laughed right, and spoke right, stood right, and walked right. To heck with all that. I would eventually go really crazy from doing that.
Now that I have all ties separated from that old university I can finally execute my plan to live life as I now know for 100% certain, I should always have.
