Quote from: spike on July 17, 2006, 11:56:03 AM
HI Bob
Thanks for your reply to my post.
I would like to understand things from a parent of a trans person's point of view what it was like for them as their child transitioned.
Stuff like did you notice 'trans-type-tendencies' (I'm not exactly sure what that means) early in their life (ie before they talked to you about it). (Most trans people I have talked to said even as a child they knew they did not feel right in their bodies).
What did you first think when you were told? Did your feelings about it change & how?
Was it or is it hard for you to use proper pronouns (he vs she) &/or their chosen name?
Around their early transition did they date? If so did you blame the SO?
It seems like yoou are accepting now (I am getting this because you came to this site). Have you always been supportive? I am not sure if it matters but is your kid FtoM or MtoF?
Was/is religion a barrier to accepting your child? Were you ever or are you religious?
It might also be helpful to know how old your child was when they 'came out to you'.
Wow 
that should keep you busy for awhile. Thanks for being open to answer questions. 
I really appreciate any info you have that might help me understand my SO's freakishly religious parents who are not happy at all about his transition.
Thanks again,
~Amy
Howdy Spike
thats alot of questions and it will take some time to answer them, but bear with me and I'll do my best to answer them all.
Yes I knoticed "Trans-like-tenancys" he was more of a girl in actions than a boy most of the time. quite literally in every day life, though as a young boy he did like his lego building blocks and boys toys, never favored a doll that i am awair of but was nuts about stuffed animals, and still is for that matter <grin> but in strange ways you realy can't put your finger on, the kid just seamed more girl than boy.
What did i first think ? I was dumbfounded and realy cought off guard... oddly enough i didn't even expect it. at first I thought Oh ->-bleeped-<- this is horrable, My poor Kid ! and what can I do to fix it... and make him a boy again ! I felt guilty like i screwed him up raising him some how, I thought Oh Man what will grandma think and all that SELF Richous Ridiculas thinking that goes along with trying to please everyone. that lasted in my case about a week... and I am sure that was gotten over extreamily fast as I am not avrage when it comes to things like that.i believe other folk would have an extreamily hard time with the initial SHOCK. and it is a SHOCK a big one !
But that thought changed almost imediately to what does HE want ? not what I want !
after all its His life Not mine, I quit spanking him when he was about 6 years old because he was smart enough to realise what was wrong and didn't need phisical punishment to impress it upon him. I even thought of Knocking the ->-bleeped-<- out of him to make some sense out of it all, but that would have been counter productive indeed !<grin>
My feelings changed fast , (another oddity I am sure) because we talked at length about it and I could see that He was indeed a she ! in mind if not in body. so I thought what can we do to help... My wife and I love him dearly and wouldn't trade him for all the kids in the world and that is what drives the change. simply Love !
For the first time i saw a sparkel in his eyes that i'ed have never seen before a glint of hope as it were... and i knew we were in it for the long run ! its not easy, but its what he wants and what he must have.
Was it easy to call him a Her ? well, its probly one of the hardest things i've ever done ! You see I am Proud of my Kid, Damm proud ! and changeing the way I address him/her is still a constant battle .... I constantly slip up, and call him by his given name even though we all had a part in the name we finally desided on .... but it is hard to change 30 years of habbit over night , and it simply cannot be done, though i expect that will change faster when the parts change and is truly female. I expect it will be easier to call her by the chosen name then, but now its hard, very hard to remember and feel right about saying it too ! but that is MY problem not hers ! and thankfully she is not insistant about it she knows I try !
My transision is following sute to hers if you will, I am slow on the uptake no doubt
but i'll get there in time !
there is a long period of adjustment needed for parents , you can't just drop the bomb on them and expect imediate change, people don't work that way ! it takes time and lots of it ,and constant exposeure to the change ! once a week visits will alwayse be uncomfortable for years I would expect, so get used to it ! expect the parents to use the wrong name as its natural for them, that above all things is extreamily hard to change... You know all the reasons, but it just don't want to come out of your mouth !
....and you simply forget 75% of the time !
Our kid still lives with us
so that speeds my change as well ! ( i wouldn't have it any other way eather! )
My Kid has never realy dated never realy shown any interest in the oppisit sex and even less with the same sex, so that wasn't an ishue for us . I did wonder about past friends, and was bold enough to ask about it, as i doubt other parents would be but She quickly dashed all possable causes that i could think of !
....
Have I alwayse been supportive ? God I hope so ! hehehehehe ! its hard enough to go something like this in your own mind without having your parents draging you down too !
My Kid is MtoF and I have to admit she will be lovely ! so technically i get the best of both worlds raise a boy go fishin and stuff, never had the problem of worring about my daughter comeing home pregnet, and get a good looking Daughter in the proccess !
its just in how you look at it i guess !
am I religious ? at one time i was a stonch Baptest, but i am not now, not because of my kids transisioning , this took place many years ago almost before he was born.
Grandpa Is however still very religious and yes it is a problem. but not one that can't be over come, desideing to tell him was hard indeed and explaining to him wasn't easy
that was my job, but support was there from day one "he's our grandkid and we love him !" so don't think just because grand parents are old that they won't understand, they know more than you realise ! set in their ways yes...but when it comes to their own family they can put up with alot ! <grin>
Age ? almost 30yrs old but going on 20 or so emotionally is my guess <grin>
She'll probly hit me when she reads that hehehehehhe !
so its been over a year sense i was told .
........
Now about your Religious parents of your SO... they BELIEVE the bible is the word of God and that it has all the answers ! there are places in the bible that mention such things as SEX but its rare and usually not helpfull to our cause.... I would venture to say " What would Christ say?" because to be Christian is to be Christ like and if push came to shove its not what other religious people think its what Christ himself would think. and Christ loves those that follow him regardless of their past tranactions.
The bible doesn't mention ( that i know of) any refrence of being able to change from male to female or vice versa, because it was written so long ago, more than likely it would have condemed those that partook of such things in one book and prased them in another book and the church would have thrown out the ones they didn't want !
so you are left with what ? Religon is screwed up ! and thats putting it mildly
but being Christ like is the way to go ! he would have loved the transexuals for who they are inside, just as he loves oridinary people of that i have no doubt. Its hard to quote scriptures in defence of transexuals but there are passages like (fer batum) "don't point a finger at someone elses faults when you have a bigger fault"
or the old indian proverb of don't blame your brother till you walk a mile in his moccosons ....
If they are religous and fighting the change every inch of the way on religious grounds
then find the proof you need in the bible to calm their fears, its in there somewhere.
....
if your SO isn't religious and they are, what does it matter in their eyes anyway ? hez going to hell in a hand basket as far as their concerned anyway so it realy shouldn't make any diference at all !
Religous people think in terms of right and wrong and Transexualism is among the Wrong things just as Homosexualism is, your supposed to live with it according to the bible
but now days you don't have to, so change your life into what you want not what they want
take control of your own life .
Hope that helps some
Bob......
( I'm not an expert at anything nor a doctor nor analyst or anything else, i'm just a guy with opinions and i don't mind telling ya eather ! GRIN)
Posted at: July 17, 2006, 09:51:52 PM
Quote from: spike on July 16, 2006, 05:20:33 AM
I am a SO (fiancée) of a FtM whose parents are shall we say ... less than excited about his "life style choices".
I was hoping to get a different perspective on this. I would like to empathize better with their experience. I do not want to get really upset with them & say disrespectful things I can not take back (after all we will be family, Tino & I are getting married). My main concerns are that they try to control him like he is a child, their mis-use of the bible for hurtful manipulation, refusal & lack of recognition for who he is & exasperating his fear of being ostracized from the family.
Spike :
I thought i'ed comment on this as well, i hope you don't mind.
Unfortionately, Parents Seldom if ever reconise their child as being grown up enough to make the RIGHT desigons... this is terrably unfortionate and I am hopeing it will change as our Race grows older.
thus a parent will use anything available to control their yungins' and most of the time is is resented a great deal by the yungins' !
in this case I would venture to say that their not only fighting it tooth and nail but
constantly trying to think of ways to PREVENT it from ever happening. and if that is the case i think DISTANCE is your best wepon. they will eventually blame you when all else fails so don't be supprized. because if they can't find something to blame its THEIR FAULT.... even though we know thats not true. so they are scared and angry at the same time, they don't think they did anything wrong but they MUST have somewhere along the line.... you need to reasure them of the stistical number of people out there that are Transexuals... that its definately not their fault, it wasn't that 6 pack of beer the night Momm'a got pregnet... you see ? when they accept that its not their fault they will be easier to live with, but till then it will be war !
all the religon does is strengthen their fears right now , and that does not help one bit
it can however help them make it through it , if they look for help in it. or as you have discovered it can also arm them for the battle against it.
Depending on the parents but i would say that a hudge precentage will just disown their kid for sujesting such a thing. its TABOO in our socioty ! and so totally misunderstood
that its no wonder that it is !
the best advice i could give the 2 of you is "for gosh sakes talk to them !" let them know they are still Loved ... they may think that changed too ! setting them down and talking to them for hours ...After dinner is a good idea, turn off the TV and say we need to talk this thing over so you understand what is going on... you may think you do but you realy don't ! ...
as i said in my other post it takes time, and time is a presious comodity in this day and age.... and to be honnest Parents just don't like to think about it ...Period ! it brings up the question what did i do wrong ! .... but if they can get past the hurt and self guilt they will see that ist nothing they have done what so ever... its just a roll of the dice... after all, life is rairly (if ever) fair and the TS's just happen to be the oh'so'lucky ones. I don't know about any others but I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, and I told my daughter so to... ( there see i refured to him as a her ! hehehe) not only is the rest of socioty going to shun you, but the hospital trip will be pure hell ! ....to say nothing of the bills aquired ! and most people never mention them, it simply AIN'T CHEEP ! and unfortionately you have to be rich FIRST to do it !
but like all things there is a time and a season for it, it looks like that part of our delima will be taken care of... we shall see
if the parents give you guys too rough a time then put some distance between you, it may be better for everyone concerned you never know ! .....
I mean there is nothing like comeing home from a hard days work and hearing "your Mom came over today , and do you know what she said
" so not only do you get the doubble whammy but its your Mom so ya can't teller where to shove it ! its just a rotton siduation all the way arround... if it must be then Your SO should put them in their place, but at a last resort when everything else fails ! and your sanity is at its brakeing point.... it just depends on the parents ! You should bite your toung and be civil , as much as you can... You are a guest by the grace of your SO.... alwayse remember that.... once you are accepted into the family thats a diferent story but when your a "tenative" play it cool and bite your toung ! let your SO get in truble.
their still trying to Raise their kid, so you are just a distraction, it takes time for that to change as well.
well, enough of my butting my nose in !
take care and good luck to ya
feel free to ask any questions ya want !
C ya
Bob........
