(MTF) Not out in RL but Transgender online

[Yip]

Hello again, I posted my first few messages a month ago when well I know what to call it now
I basically came out to myself. I cant come out in RL at least not yet. Since then I've decided that
I want to work towards having the money put aside for it over time, and I also promised myself
that if the time when I could do it arrives I will have no hesitating!.

This thinking has helped me somewhat since when I hate my body
the most and what the world expects me to be I think that I have a little hope I will get my dream.

Anyway to the point, I've been letting my real gender out online I've been my true self I hope to
get some relief by doing this and I ask , is anyone like me  limited to one way of expressing your true self?.

I'm finding its a mindset I can get into its not the normal me I become another person and I like it
I'm more sociable I'm more comfortable and i'm discovering some things about myself I didnt know.
For instance I'm finding when i'm my female side I may in-fact be BI.... This was kinda shocking to me
but there it is.

There is something else more embarrassing but i'm interested in what ppl say before I'm willing to admit it.

[majiccdtv]

good luck

[Yip]

Thank you for your well thought out input can I suggest you don't bother saying anything
next time you don't actually have anything to say?. People are putting things out about
themselves they normally wouldn't and its responses like that , that make people
go forget it and leave.

[louise000]

Yip, there are many people in this group who are not yet "out" - coming out is a big step and can have irreversible consequences in so many ways. However, Susans is a wonderful place to discuss ones feelings and experiences privately among people who will understand. You will be amazed when you read posts that remind you so much of your own experiences. Not everyone has exactly the same story, but there are common threads which bind us all.

Yes, you can be your true self here. It is true to say that in the real world other peoples' expectations and perceptions make being ones self a whole lot harder. It shouldn't really be like that, but sadly it is.

Louise

[Nero]

Thank you for your well thought out input can I suggest you don't bother saying anything
next time you don't actually have anything to say?. People are putting things out about
themselves they normally wouldn't and its responses like that , that make people
go forget it and leave.

Don't be so rude. Maybe majiccdtv's response was in earnest? They are new here as well and perhaps shy.

[Yip]

Where I come from that response (nothing but two words) can only be taken in a negative way (Sarcastic).
I'm experimenting in my own way to cope with this and I simply cant handle the slightest put down
at this point in time.

Thanks for your thoughts louise but i'm not so sure about the understanding discussion anymore

[Nero]

We care hon. Yes, you will get understanding discussion here. Just give us a chance.

[Alyssa M.]

Hello again, Yip.

I'm somewhat in the same boat as you. I'm certainly more out than you (to some friends and some family), and trying to find more places and times and ways to express my identity. But having a place online where I'm simply female without any of the baggage of society's expectations is a wonderful release, and helps me be able to explore this persona that I've so long repressed. What you say about sexuality makes sense; people's sexuality sometimes changes in transition, and while some of that might be attributed to hormones, part of it might be the adopting and developing of a persona of different gender.

It's frustrating not to have more places to express my identity. I'm trying to open up more, but it's hard, and it's scary, as I'm sure you know. Every place I have where I can be treated as a woman, where this "Alyssa" person can exist -- here, through my friends, or just alone -- is a huge blessing to me.

I hope you won't let majiccdtv's post get you down. She just joined today and put up a number of very terse (to say the least) posts. I really look forward to hearing more from you.

Good luck!

~Alyssa

[Yip]

I lashed out and i'm sorry for that, one of the first threads I read coming here was transition or die, It scared me alot.

I suppressed this for a very long time, its always been at the back of my mind but i could always have times free of it
A month ago (the night before  i did my first post). I woke up like 3 am that morning like from a nightmare and it was like a switch was
flicked a light bulb was on. I cant suppress it anymore its always ticking over, I think its going to drive me up the wall.

I think i'm beginning to understand the concept of transition or die, Like i said i cant come out not to anyone here near me.
(I do feel i could come out to my parents but since i cant do anything from then on anyway I don't want to put them or me through that)

I take it most of you live in cities, you can keep your secret and drive somewhere were no one knows you, but theres ppl like
you (bar's clubs) you can be who you really are.  I live in a mining town, Theres no quiet place where no one knows me
(to make matters worse one of my former jobs in retail made me very well known...)

I'm trying my best to at least give this side of me something anything but I don't think its working nothing is enough.
There was another thread where ppl dress how they feel they should and it makes them feel happier. Well I've tried
a bit of that too in secret and nothing, I blame myself for that one, I've prided myself on being a realist and
that thinking is making it worse now. (others can do it and feel feminine, my realist thinking just see's a man in knickers) It only reminds me
of what I've missed and hurts even more.( I don't like seeing my face in the mirror I hate seeing my arms basically I despise my entire appearance)

So nothing works, short of winning lotto i'm screwed and I see nothing but me tearing myself apart inside in my future.
I'm gona have to see a councilor and pray theres something, But I take it nothing can make you happy with your sex
when its wrong.  Anyway This is why i'm quick to lose my temper before I'm simply going mad inside.

Posted on: June 07, 2008, 05:25:14 PM

Hello again, Yip.

I'm somewhat in the same boat as you. I'm certainly more out than you (to some friends and some family), and trying to find more places and times and ways to express my identity. But having a place online where I'm simply female without any of the baggage of society's expectations is a wonderful release, and helps me be able to explore this persona that I've so long repressed. What you say about sexuality makes sense; people's sexuality sometimes changes in transition, and while some of that might be attributed to hormones, part of it might be the adopting and developing of a persona of different gender.

It's frustrating not to have more places to express my identity. I'm trying to open up more, but it's hard, and it's scary, as I'm sure you know. Every place I have where I can be treated as a woman, where this "Alyssa" person can exist -- here, through my friends, or just alone -- is a huge blessing to me.

I hope you won't let majiccdtv's post get you down. She just joined today and put up a number of very terse (to say the least) posts. I really look forward to hearing more from you.

Good luck!

~Alyssa

Oh sry for not responding in last post, since I've admitted it all to myself I'm having alot of problems emotionally.
yes I enjoyed at least for a few hours being my true self it helped in some ways and it brought up some questions about myself
such as sexuality, But it seems no matter what direction I try to release this, It also hurts me a little since its so limited.
Since you have also tried this do you feel it helps more then hurts?. Over time does it help?.

[Alyssa M.]

Hey Yip,

Sorry I didn't respond earlier myself -- I've been afk, so I just read your post now.

I'm not sure what to tell you. I understand what you say about how it "hurts because it's so limited" -- but there's a little of that feeling in all of life, isn't there? You're right that it helps to live in a place where at least you know queer identities in general are more accepted. But t sounds like you're ding the right things -- at least that you're posting some more and trying to figure out what you can do. It's hard of course, that's why this site exists after all! But you're taking some good steps, and I believe that you'll be able to get through it.

Sorry I'm not more help. 

~Alyssa

[Yip]

Yes recent good things have happened and I'm pretty sure I have the best shot
at what I want that I will ever have. (Its a complete 180!!)

I have about 2 years to prepare and I think thats a good amount of time
since I'm sure you all understand this, I want it all right now I dont want
another day as is. BUT, my cooler voice say's 2 years isn't that long, And
by the end of that I should be very sure about what I want. Can't go back
after all.

In another thread I've had alot of help, Those reading this I seriously thought
about my problem. Most of it it seems to be fear of others my parents my friends my employment.
The second thing is how to do it, I feared law's and control's being placed on me.
The third fear was how can I actually do anything financially.

Financially I have the best shot at this coming right now If I screw it i'm gona cry but hasnt happened yet,
I've thought about my friends and family.
I cant imagine my parents or at least my best friend turning back's on me.
I foresee issues with mum and dad but I'm more concerned about what they will blame
rather then what they will say or do about me. Being over 18 is an advantage
in this aspect I suppose they can only scream and shout.

Actually want to post a question on this later.

I've since drawn a rough plan (Try it, it helped me alot), I thought about the way I can do this and now
I'm filling in the steps to it. I've found having hope and a way to get it, and feeling i'm at least moving.
Has given me alot of peace, I'm almost happy with myself right now I haven't
been this way for many years. (I remember being a happy positive person once)

What I'm getting at is if you read above I was screaming and going mad, I cried myself to sleep
every night, If your like this then maybe like me you need to seriously think, Find an option
any option that can give you what you need. You need hope it helps to have hope.
Then you fill in the other issues. One issue I face later is a hostile industry to me
a mine.

The first option you think is run and hide isn't it?.  Get the money to do what you need then
leave. The more I thought of it the more I thought hang on why?. I'm working on my own
I'm not dealing with customers as in retail. I'm not going to show up to a mine in high heals
and makeup. I'll be in boots and work/safety gear like everyone else. If employee's don't accept me
Well its a professional job they don't have to, but they are required to work with me.
If it is a serious problem well management will have to solve that. I am what I am and I have
3 options with work when the time comes not 1.

Someone said I always have options, I didn't see any but they were right,
It just took a month for me to calm down enough, (I tend to wake up
at 3am with idea's its weird)

[Sephirah]

I can empathise a little with what you're feeling, Yip.

You're right about where you live being an big issue; especially the attitudes within various locations being a vast gulf of difference. I live in a very rural town where... okay, I'll use an Englishism here... where 'blokes' strut around like retarded roosters and any girl is judged on the size of her cleavage or the curve of her posterior.

If you're gay then you're seen as the Antichrist and a figure to throw rotten cabbages at. Transgender doesn't even come into it, and 90% of the people would have to be smacked forcefully around the head with a dictionary before they even knew what the word meant. And once they do... girl, you better learn to run fast in those heels because they'll be baying for your blood and on the phone to Van Helsing before you can grab your purse.

Being online is a help, I think, because it lets you realise that the world isn't contained within the limits of your town, and there's a host of possibilities that are just waiting to be discovered.

Work is another issue, and one that's thornier than a rosebush full of thistles. I work in a teaching hospital, as part of the breast screening programme (which probably says something in itself)... and I know how frustrating it is to think "if I do this, that's it... either it will all go without a hitch and I can come to work feeling wonderful and feminine... or I'll try not to let the door hit me in the derrier on the way out."

It's almost paralysing... you play out the scenario in your mind and almost get the courage to do it... when an icy hand grabs your bowels and gives them a good shake. Then you think "maybe tomorrow, I'm stressed out about [insert numerous other trans related issues here] and it just isn't worth the hassle."

That's a good idea about writing a plan of action, and one I think I'm going to adopt myself. There'll be less chance to procrastinate if it's there in black and white.

I totally understand the need to physically be yourself as soon as possible, but one of the things that, for me, has made all this far more bearable is the realisation that the journey is going to be a marathon and not a quick sprint. If you can break the whole thing down into a series of small steps then it all doesn't seem so daunting.

Another good thing, I've found, is to take notice of every little thing that happens to make you feel like a woman... no matter how small it is. Like... most of the people I've come out to have been onlne, but there was one guy who I've been friends with for a few years, and has always known me as a man (or thought he has, anyway ) but a couple of weeks ago I told him who I really was, and felt the famliar sharp stab of nerves.

His response totally shocked me, and he said "It's cool" and "I think you should go through with it." And then "It's not hard for me to think of you as a woman". I almost cried at that.

My point, I guess, is that no matter how small the step you take... even if it seems insignificant, or like it's nothing to do with anything... it's one step closer to you being who you were meant to be. And if you can take a little bit of confidence from every time something like that happens then it's a little store you can draw on for the next time you have to face something that makes you feel like throwing up.

I truly wish you the best on your journey, and hope that one day you become the woman you are.

*hugs*

Hang in there.

[buttercup]

I can empathise a little with what you're feeling, Yip.

You're right about where you live being an big issue; especially the attitudes within various locations being a vast gulf of difference. I live in a very rural town where... okay, I'll use an Englishism here... where 'blokes' strut around like retarded roosters and any girl is judged on the size of her cleavage or the curve of her posterior.

If you're gay then you're seen as the Antichrist and a figure to throw rotten cabbages at. Transgender doesn't even come into it, and 90% of the people would have to be smacked forcefully around the head with a dictionary before they even knew what the word meant. And once they do... girl, you better learn to run fast in those heels because they'll be baying for your blood and on the phone to Van Helsing before you can grab your purse.

Being online is a help, I think, because it lets you realise that the world isn't contained within the limits of your town, and there's a host of possibilities that are just waiting to be discovered.

Work is another issue, and one that's thornier than a rosebush full of thistles. I work in a teaching hospital, as part of the breast screening programme (which probably says something in itself)... and I know how frustrating it is to think "if I do this, that's it... either it will all go without a hitch and I can come to work feeling wonderful and feminine... or I'll try not to let the door hit me in the derrier on the way out."

It's almost paralysing... you play out the scenario in your mind and almost get the courage to do it... when an icy hand grabs your bowels and gives them a good shake. Then you think "maybe tomorrow, I'm stressed out about [insert numerous other trans related issues here] and it just isn't worth the hassle."

That's a good idea about writing a plan of action, and one I think I'm going to adopt myself. There'll be less chance to procrastinate if it's there in black and white.

I totally understand the need to physically be yourself as soon as possible, but one of the things that, for me, has made all this far more bearable is the realisation that the journey is going to be a marathon and not a quick sprint. If you can break the whole thing down into a series of small steps then it all doesn't seem so daunting.

Another good thing, I've found, is to take notice of every little thing that happens to make you feel like a woman... no matter how small it is. Like... most of the people I've come out to have been onlne, but there was one guy who I've been friends with for a few years, and has always known me as a man (or thought he has, anyway ) but a couple of weeks ago I told him who I really was, and felt the famliar sharp stab of nerves.

His response totally shocked me, and he said "It's cool" and "I think you should go through with it." And then "It's not hard for me to think of you as a woman". I almost cried at that.

My point, I guess, is that no matter how small the step you take... even if it seems insignificant, or like it's nothing to do with anything... it's one step closer to you being who you were meant to be. And if you can take a little bit of confidence from every time something like that happens then it's a little store you can draw on for the next time you have to face something that makes you feel like throwing up.

I truly wish you the best on your journey, and hope that one day you become the woman you are.

*hugs*

Hang in there.

Wonderful response, laughed my head off at this part. 



I hope Yip that with each new step you grow stronger and stronger.  I know I did, I still have bad days but I overcome them so much faster now.  Grown a thick skin and learnt not to hate myself so much. 

[Yip]

Yes your right I need a thicker skin thats exactly what I'm trying to change about myself.
If I had been myself from the beginning I would not have the decade plus of built up
suppressed emotions I have now to deal with. I'd be further along the line then I am now.
Because I've been scared of other ppl so much I've just hurt myself more then they ever
could. I've found it simply extremely nice to just have got to this point, To be honest to myself
and be looking at what I'll do in future. That alone has helped me a great deal.

[ToriVF]

Yip,
I was only able to present myself as the female I am online from 1998 until 2006, when I prepared for transition on the job in a field that is known to be transphobic (law enforcement).  During that time, I saw so many people transition while I sat there...typing away jealously.  They would all tell me how I helped them get through the issues that transition brings.
The bottom line is, if all you can do right now is be yourself online...go for it!!!  Call it sanity time...whatever.  Only you know what is best for you at this particular point in time.  As you get further into your feelings and wishes, ask questions from others in this forum who have "been there...done that".  There are many here who are here to help and have a vast knowledge of preparing for transition.  I can say that nothing that I envisioned "could" happen, actually happened.  If it were not for some vindictive, unhappy, ex-friends at work, I would not have taken the steps I have...I am down to one surgery to go, which is three weeks away...the boob fairy is going to pay me a visit...or am I paying her?  Yeah,  THAT'S it!!!

ToriVF

[Sephirah]

Yes your right I need a thicker skin thats exactly what I'm trying to change about myself.
If I had been myself from the beginning I would not have the decade plus of built up
suppressed emotions I have now to deal with. I'd be further along the line then I am now.
Because I've been scared of other ppl so much I've just hurt myself more then they ever
could. I've found it simply extremely nice to just have got to this point, To be honest to myself
and be looking at what I'll do in future. That alone has helped me a great deal.

It sounds like you're making serious progress in your journey, Yip, and that's a truly great thing. *hugs*

I am pretty much where you are now, and at times it feels like you're just putting your boots on in order to scale that cold, frightening looking mountain in front of you.

I think... you have been yourself from the beginning; who else could you be? But she stayed hidden, or smothered by the weight of living up to other people's expectations and perceptions of you. Perhaps we all go through that at the start, fitting in to a role society defines for us... being who we think we should be. And the little voice inside that shouts "this is an act, I'm playing a role" is drowned out by the applause and rave reviews from the critics that we have to deal with in everyday life. To the point where the actress becomes the act.

But you've always been you, Yip. And by allowing yourself to throw away the script of the life role you thought you should play; being able to improvise and discover the feelings of the actress, not of the part she was forced to play... is overwhelming. But one that, ultimately, will set you free to write your own part in the drama of life. And now you can stop asking "what's my motivation?" for the act you thought you were supposed to play, and get on with asking "what do I want, for myself?"

I can empathise with being scared of other people, perhaps more than you know. Particularly if you struggle with your sense of identity to begin with. And at times we can be our own worst enemy. We can envision scenarios far, far worse than any that could ever actually happen. But people can surprise you.

If you get a negative reaction from someone, then ask yourself a few questions:

1) Does this person actually matter to me?
2) Will I ever see them again after this?
3) Do they have issues in their own life that mean the only way they can feel good is to make me feel bad?

If you can answer 'no' to the first two questions then that's a large step to overcoming your fear of other people's reactions and getting on with your life the best way you know how. That guy or girl that passes you in the street... you don't know them; they don't know you. And they never will. So their reaction will never be anything other than superficial and shallow, based on ignorance and a closed mind. And you won't be the only person they'll find to be critical about. The problem is not with you as a woman, but with them as human beings. And if the only things they have to do in their lives is make fun of others then, rather than being hurt by them and their words, you should feel sorry for them.

I could probably give you a hundred comeback lines to use that would shut them up and leave them looking like a complete fool... but that's only because I tend to get sarcastic when I get hurt. Lol, that probably isn't a good idea, though.

There's a fine line between growing a skin rivalling that of a rhino with a laytex fetish, and keeping everything that makes you a sweet, compassionate woman. Don't lose your humanity in a bid to block out every negative remark you're ever likely to hear.

If you would like, I could give you a method of relaxation/meditation/self-hypnosis that you can use whenever you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed... to get rid of some of the overpowering emotions.

Being honest to yourself is the only thing you can be. And I'm really glad that you're feeling more positive about yourself and the future you have. *hugs*

I wish you love and happiness, Yip.