I Knew This Would Happen

[Mario]

As some of you know, my oldest daughter, Mariah is the one having a hard time with me transitioning. Only yesterday I was wondering how she will react when I get back from San Francisco in August after surgery. Now I know. She is staying with a friend of ours since she was a baby, she will be 15 on Sunday. First she was only going to stay a few days, then a week, now two weeks. When I took her over there yesterday, it had come up that she can live there if she wants. I knew that was coming. She wants to live there now, and Karen can be her mom. Mariah is the daughter she never had. She has two sons, 22, and 20. She is willing to leave her friends and varsity volleyball position, (she is only going to be a sophmore,) to I guess feel more safe with a mother figure. Her dad says whatever she wants to do she is going to do. I just got off the phone with her and she basically does not want to see me anymore. I will asume then that after surgery this will become even worse. She hates the fact that I am with her best friend's mom(Pam) which I can understand that. I wrote Mariah a letter last week explaining myself to her. I asked if she read it, she sais she did. I asked if she understands me, she said she does, but wants to know why I am doing this now, after having a family? That is complicated. I don't even understand that part. I feel now as though I have lost her. I'm not sure how I will deal with this.
               
                                                   Marco

                                               

[Dennis]

Cindi is a wise woman. Ditto what she said. It's what I advise my clients who have children turn against them. I would add, keep all conversation, letters, cards neutral to happy. Don't pressure her to discuss things until she's ready.

Dennis

[Dev]

Marco, I know absolutly nothing about that subject having not experienced it first hand, but reading your situation made me wish I did so I could help out in some way.  I hope things turn out for the better but like the above post I know it will take time and be mostly on your shoulders to keep contact going.  Keep your chin up, time heals the heart.

[cindianna_jones]

Poetry deleted per administrator request

[Fayde]

Cindi is right. Never let your daughter doubt that you love her and want to see her. Take every opportunity you can to show her that you still care.

If she truly understands, she will come around eventually. She's only 15 and hasn't really experienced the world's complications for herself. Her view of people and their roles may be somewhat limited by her personal experience.

There is nothing in the world that could tear me away from my mom, but that's not gonna stop me from being angry with her on occassion. Your daughter may be having some feelings that she can't quite express. It's hard to be a child and be angry with parents. Just give it time and let her know you love her.

[Mario]

Thanks you guys. I was so upset yesterday when we hung up. She proceeded to call me 6 times throughout the day and night to add things to a list she wants her dad to bring her on Sunday. She seemed fine tone wise everytime she called, and told me she loved me each time as well.

Cindi: I too tell my kids after every conversation and every time I see them that I love them. I know Mariah loves me, and always will. It is hard to see her so hurt and knowing it is because of me. How I am and what I have to do to be at peace with myself. How old  is your daughter you were refering to?

Again, Dennis and Dev, thanks for your support as well.

                                      Marco

[Chynna]

Time & persistance heals all wounds as she gets older and encounters more of lifes diversities she'll come to understand that sometimes things just don't make sense. She may also realize why you choose to have a family before and complicate things further in your transition...I think that maybe because you were trying to convience yourself that you were "normal" Excuse the label Baby boy.
Same reason I got married thinking "hey this will get rid of the feelings this will get it out of my system."
Only prove to strength the point that I was not a man....and if she does truly love you which im sure by your post I read she does she will eventually realize this and accept you back into her life as simply just her parent. All you have to do is be there for her in whatever capacity SHE wants you in. unfortunantly that may be easier said then done but...that seems to be the best course of action give her her space and the time she needs to come to terms

Chynna

[sheila18]

Marco:
I support you in your choice of life changes. And hope for the best life can shower yo with you and your SO.
  We often forget in our community the consecuences of our actions, they are really harsh for those of us with children. Am not the suicidal type, f--k that am the homicidal type. So there is no mopping around for me. Probably 15 years from now there will be more acceptance, lets pray for that.
That is the "Unknown Price" we were willing to pay for getting what we wanted, the decisions are ours not theirs(children).
My kids were taken to another state to prevent my contamination.
I kept on calling and writting and praying.
One tool that helped was thank you letters. These are letters where I thank them for all they have given me and taught me, WITHOUT A SINGLE REFFERENCE TO BLAME, ACCUSATION, REGRET, DEFENDING MYSELF, ACCUSATION IN ANY WAY REMOTELY SUGESTING BLAME TO ANYONE.  I had a spiritual advisor read these letters before sending them out It took several tries before I got the hang of it. the first one was edited out almost entirely , out of 4 pages only 3 short paragraphs survived, Including the introduction and final good by. I kept calling and writing.
  Years later my daughter asked me to give her away in her wedding ceremony.  my son is still remote, I just keep plugging away, all in God's time not mine. My daughter and I have a very close relationship again.
So don't loose hope and do your best.
Love Sheila

[Transguykid]

You said your daughter tells you that she loves you, Marco. I recently lived out of my house(at my boyfriend's) for about a month after a particularly bad situation with my mother. I still loved(and love) her, but I missed her so much that I cried. Even though I missed her, I couldn't and didn't know how to deal with her. It's probably that way fro your daughter. Maybe she just wants to live her life right now without having to focus on yours, which would be unavoidable if she was with you. I don't think you've lost her at all! She just needs time.

[Mario]

Sheila, thanks for yuor story. It made me think.

Ethan,  thank you for your story as well. I know it will take time with her. It will teach me patience. Something I don't have too much of.

                                            Marco

[Nero]

Marco,
I wasn't going to post to this because I don't have children and therefore no advice to offer.
All I can do is offer my sympathy for your situation.
When I was your daughter's age, my father remarried just after my parent's divorce.
I was very angry with him. Angry because I felt he had remarried without my permission (yes, children can be self-centered creatures),angry because everything seemed to be happening so fast, as if my whole world were spinning out of control, angry over what I perceived to be the loss of my family.
I regret the way I acted. When you're 15, your parents are on a pedestal and they exist only to serve you. It's not until later that you realize they too are human with their own needs.
Your daughter will come around. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
I feel for you and Pam.

Nero

[Mario]

Thanks Nero. I'm glad you did post and remind me of when I was 15. Yes, I think we all must of had that attitude  of  what else can you do for me? Im 41, and still continue to realize how I don't see things the way I did then.

                                   Marco