can you look folk in the eye?

[suregirl]

I was just wondering that because I used to find it so hard to meet peoples gaze and always looked down at the floor---today I can look at folk in the eyes and smile but I have to watch the fellas as they seem to take that as a come on-Has anyone else experienced that?

[Lisbeth]

In our culture eye contact communicates meaning.  In general people in dominant roles make eye contact with the people they are telling something to, and those in submissive roles make eye contact with the people they are listening to.  Consistent with that, men tend to make eye contact more with women than with other men and assume that women who make eye contact while talking to them are flirting.  Women, on the other hand, tend to make more eye contact in general, especially with other women, and to break eye contact with men who are coming on to them unless they are receptive of their attentions.

[Terra]

I tend to, but then again i'm told I carry myself with more confidence then most women. If only they knew it was like a duck on water.

[tekla]

I think that's true for most, what passes for brave is often bravado.

[Kate]

I was just wondering that because I used to find it so hard to meet peoples gaze and always looked down at the floor---today I can look at folk in the eyes and smile but I have to watch the fellas as they seem to take that as a come on-Has anyone else experienced that?

I end up looking people in the eye constantly, because I'm always fishing for the emotions behind the words. It's not really that I'm brave or confident exactly as I just don't think about what I'm doing beyond reading emotions and "truth" in what people are saying to me.

BUT... I have to remind myself that with guys it's either a come-on or a challenge to do that. I'm not ashamed to look them in the eye, but I'm embrassed that I might make THEM uncomfortable, so I remind myself to look away now and then to put THEM at ease.

With women it's different usually, as we "talk" with our eyes... so much of the emotion and feeling is conveyed by eyes, gesures,. expressions... and yet even with girls I'm always afraid of seeming too "intense," so I play the game of "yielding the floor" now and then with them too. I'm always afraid of seeming overconfident or intimidating to people.

~Kate~

[NicholeW.]

Looking people in the eye. ... Hmmm.

I mostly walk about looking up as opposed to looking down. Looking down I do when the sidewalk is uneven or I'm hiking, but naturally I look ahead to see what's there.

In conversation with other's I tend to look directly into their faces/eyes when I speak or they speak. Just seems good-form to me. With guys I tend to not focus on eye-contact as much as I do with other women, simply for the reasons given by Lisbeth.

When I'm walking alone at night I always stay aware of my surroundings. IMO, any woman who doesn't isn't projecting the proper 'stance' and vigilance that could well be needed to ward off the attentions of those she'd rather not deal with. It works for me.

I'm not 'ashamed' or afraid of who I am. Confidence was something I struggled with for years and I'm not about to drop it now.

Nichole

[MaggieB]

I make it a point to look at passing women in the eye with a smile and if they have a baby, I look and smile at the child first. I do not do this as a pretense, I just have always done it that way. As for men, I avoid looking at them in the eye and act like they are not there as I pass. Of course, I am looking at them from the "corner of my eye". I will look into men's eyes and smile, if they are in a car, should they stop and let me cross the street which happens a lot. I so the same if they open a door for me. If they strike up a conversation, I will glance and may smile briefly but not much as I know that can lead to some strange situations. It is amazing how differently a man will act sometimes when near a woman. I didn't see that much in my male days.

Maggie

[lisagurl]

Then there are shy people or people that think in pictures and are looking inside their brain for answers.

[sneakersjay]

I always used to be shy and timid, except at work where I'm in my element (unless said clients/customers were being belligerent, then I'd revert).

I do find now even though I'm not passing and not even on T that I'm more outgoing, look more people in the eye, and deal with confrontation more readily and am able to let it go and not affect me personally.  Before, I was so uncomfortable in my skin as a woman that I didn't know how to act in most situations, I'd freeze.

I'm not sure I can really explain it though.  I had a few crazies yell at me at work this weekend and I just let it slide right off my back, handled them professionally, and never got that knot in my throat or the panic that I used to feel.

Jay

[tekla]

I use the Henry Kissinger method, the more they yell at me, the lower and slower and softer I speak, until I can't get any lower, slower or softer and have to tell them, "you not talking to me, if your talking like that."

[samanthawhalen]

I can look folk in the eye, but the two following types I have trouble even thinking about:

* kinfolk that physically, emotionally and verbally abused me as a child, and continue to try and do so to this day

* workfolk that treated me badly, and want trouble with any glance I give them

other than that, I enjoy looking people in the eye.  Often when I do I smile, and it seems contagious! 

Aeron

[Alex]

I'm getting better at looking people in the eye as I begin to present more like a girl   I used to look off to the side a lot or blink all the time but now I find myself naturally catching eyes with people and smiling and I love it.

[Sonia Keys]

Oh, I'm right with you, Alex.  This was a skill I had to learn an practice as a woman.  Being both male and extremely introverted, I had never looked people in the eye before.  Now, I love the game of eye contact, greeting other women as women with eye contact alone, and negotiating psychological distance with glances at men.  Sonia.

[Sarah]

I don't look strangers in the eye, but then again I never really have.
Friends, family, someone I'm doing business with, other Board members and students and my school,
yes.
Instructors yes.
So basically all people I have to see more than once or deserve some attention in some way I do.
People just walking down the street?
No, not really unless they come up to me.
I mean, why would I? It makes some people feel uncomfortable, especially if they're from the East coast, which many people in my area have moved from.
One of the things too, is that I don't particularly care what other people think of me, so Unless I will be dealing with them in some way, there isn't really a need to get a "read" off them.
I see people who are definitely supprised by me, but I don't give them enough thought to think about what and why they might be feeling such and such.
It's none of my business, unless they are a threat, and most people are not.
So I just don't worry about it.
-Sara

[lizard]

i just went out for the first time... and actually because of this thread, made it a point to at least try and look people i passed by in the eye and smile.  Caught a few glances...  I think it helped as far as a confidence thing goes... like "hey... this IS me, im not ashamed"

[Sonia Keys]

i just went out for the first time... and actually because of this thread, made it a point to at least try and look people i passed by in the eye and smile.  Caught a few glances...  I think it helped as far as a confidence thing goes... like "hey... this IS me, im not ashamed"

Cool, lizard!  And so cool, Susan!  Cool to see support from a thread like boost confidence just like that, all on the day I join Susan's Place  .  Sonia