The Chronicles of Cindi, Thou shalt not steal Part 2

[cindianna_jones]

This post has been transfered to:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,4436.0.html

Where new folks can more easily find it.

Cindi

[HelenW]

Thank you again, Cindi.

Your story shows very clearly how social and familial disapproval of our condition forces us to compromise our integrety in order to keep from going over the edge.  A true bargain with the devil since it eventually drives us over anyway.

Whe I was younger I didn't know what was wrong with me.  I didn't conciously want to be a girl but I knew that I was different from everyone else I knew.  I started cross dressing at puberty.  And then I started lying to everyone else as well as myself.  And stealing from my sister and from the stores.  One of the things that has motivated me in my realization of who I really am is that I could no longer stand the lies, the dishonesty, the mendacity of my life.  I consider honor and integrety to be very important and I was openly repudiating those principles every day.

I sometimes try to imagine how my life would have been up until now if I were able to honestly express myself when I was younger.  And, I really have no idea!

helen

[Jillieann Rose]

When I read the first two parts of this story I just wanted to reach out and hold that little girl. I want to tell her that it was okay and that everything would work out. I still hurt for her.
I don't remember hardly anything before I was about 10 or 11 years old. So my theropist believe that I had somthing very dramatic happen to me that has scared me so much that I have sealed off those memories and a part of myself. We are working at finding out what really happen. I think what ever it was lead me to a life style of closing my hurts off and later most of my feeling from others and myself.
Again thanks Cindi for sharing. You are a very good writer.

Jillieann

[Melissa]

I loved reading that Cindi.

Helen, I completely identify with everything you say there.  You described my past very well.

Jillieann, I also had trouble remembering my past.  I had to do some real searching in my mind to remember it.  I figured I sealed the memories to protect myself from them and be able to live a normal life.  However, what I didn't anticipate was the creation of new memories.  Now the vault is unsealed and I am taking stuff out as I need it.

Melissa

[Jillieann Rose]

That great Melissa. Any suggestion how you get your memories back?
Jillieann

[Melissa]

I don't have them all back, but the ones I do, I always try and write it down.  The basic idea is to make a skeleton of your past with the little bits you do remember and kind of fill it in as you go along.  It takes a lot of searching and things just seem to "pop up" after a while on their own.  I still have a lot of stuff I don't remember, but I got a bunch of important stuff that made me realize I was definitely a girl.

Melissa

[tinkerbell]

Hi Cindi:

This part of the chronicles was, indeed, different from the previous ones I read,  for I see the overwhelming guilt and confusion from the perspective of a child who then becomes a fourteen year old boy.
As Jillianne pointed out, I would have also liked to be there in a form of an angel, spirit, or some sort of pet to comfort you.
Personally I think that this is the most difficult time for transsexuals, when we realize that we're becoming something that we are not, and that there's no way back (at least at that particular moment there isn't).


Thank you Cindi....



tinkerbell 

[Jillieann Rose]

Thanks Melissa,
I keep remembering once when I was a teen and my dad caught me in moms underthings. He said to me, " I though you had out grown that already."It puzzled me then and it still puzzles me about what he was eluding to by that statement.

Jillieann