A common occurance, depression?

[BandannaChild]

For me everytime I break new grounds on transitioning, its awesome. Its just awesome.

Last night I bought makeup with a friend of mine who knows about the true me. Her and I made a concrete effort to go out in public and having myself pass. And you know what, I did! It was awesome, so incredible. I just want to do it everyday. But I cant.

All these new highs and new grounds I break is like a climax on a roller coaster. And every time it ends, everything around me comes crushing down, fast and furiously. But eventually another climax will come. And I will once again go up, but I will also fall.

I can't keep taking these falls. As much as I love the ride up. Oh I do. Last night was.. .. I can't describe it in words, but Im sure you know the feelings. A feeling I want to experience everyday. But I can't right now. Besides loaned clothing, no money for makeup, and an evangelican family that would rather see me go to the Church instead of a doctor for help.

And everytime I climb Im doomed to come down. I dont want to come down. I can't take this roller coaster anymore. I never liked roller coasters to begin with and this current roller coaster is a love-hate relationship.

I want to progress past this. I know one day I can, I know one day I will. But now Im stuck here, on this never ending looping roller coaster that everytime I go up, I go up higher, and everytime I fall, I go down faster and further. I just can't take the bad with the good anymore.

Victoria,

[stephanie_craxford]

For me everytime I break new grounds on transitioning, its awesome. Its just awesome.

Last night I bought makeup with a friend of mine who knows about the true me. Her and I made a concrete effort to go out in public and having myself pass. And you know what, I did! It was awesome, so incredible. I just want to do it everyday. But I cant.

All these new highs and new grounds I break is like a climax on a roller coaster. And every time it ends, everything around me comes crushing down, fast and furiously. But eventually another climax will come. And I will once again go up, but I will also fall.

I can't keep taking these falls. As much as I love the ride up. Oh I do. Last night was.. .. I can't describe it in words, but Im sure you know the feelings. A feeling I want to experience everyday. But I can't right now. Besides loaned clothing, no money for makeup, and an evangelican family that would rather see me go to the Church instead of a doctor for help.

And everytime I climb Im doomed to come down. I dont want to come down. I can't take this roller coaster anymore. I never liked roller coasters to begin with and this current roller coaster is a love-hate relationship.

I want to progress past this. I know one day I can, I know one day I will. But now Im stuck here, on this never ending looping roller coaster that everytime I go up, I go up higher, and everytime I fall, I go down faster and further. I just can't take the bad with the good anymore.

Victoria,

Hello Victoria.

I think that you will find that we have all experienced these roller coater rides at one time or another, and it is truly hard to get off them until you go full time.  I experienced these feelings myself, and they got so bad that i didn't even want my family to visit me any more as I wasn't out to the at that time so I had to put Stephanie back in the closet.

These continual ups and downs progressed until I had to make the decision to go full time.  It was either that or go crazy.  The lack of cloths and money for make-up can be a problem but don't let that consume you.  At this point in time you know that you can't go full time yet so don't let that get you down.  Take advantage of what you can do at this point in time, and try to realize that for now this is as good as it's going to get.  Remember that looking like a woman doesn't mean that you are a woman, and that no matter what you wear, and the amount of make-up that you wear doesn't make you a woman, it's how and what you feel inside that makes you a woman.

Steph

[TheBattler]

Hang in there Victoria,

We all have those bad moments and gee for me last week I had many bad moments. Remember it is a long process of finding your true self and hapiness so for now just know about what you are aiming for.

Alice

[sheila18]

BandanaChild:
NIce that you are discovering a new world. As far as the ups and downs, is part of dealing with life honestly without blinders, a bit of passion in our life makes us appreciate mountains as opposed to mole hills.
  You are lucky to have this forum  with caring and experienced people like Stephanie and Alice. You'll make it with room to spare.
love, sheila

[BandannaChild]

Thanks everyone for posting. It is something I gotta live with untill I can go full time. But thats the thing that is bothering me, I could do it in 6 months, but I dont foresee it happening. And thats the problem, I dont know when. But its a problem I must live with...

Thanks again for the support, I only wish I were there to help you through your problems, or err, not saying you have problems, but you get the point

Victoria,

[molly]

Hi Victoria:

It may feel like your stuck, but consider that time is always moving forward, so you are moving and becoming the woman you know you are.  When I first starting coming to Susan's some of best advise I received was to take it slow, don't rush it.

It sounds like you are discovering who you are and how you want to live your life through these struggles, that can only make you stronger.  I hope your feeling better.

Molly 

[BandannaChild]

I wont lie, I have not made things easy on them, but can you really blame me? I have told the truth, but to them I worded it in ways that were easier on me, but left a lot of uncertainities to them, this has caused problems, problems I ahve been willing to fix whenever they occur. However my family would like to tell me what I want "you dont want to 'transition' full time, you just want the weekends, or an odd friday" and no matter how many times I tell them exactly I want, they are just content to throw me a weekend to be happy.

Do they not understand I want to be happy everyday? Parents baffle me, or atleast mine.

[sheila18]

  "I have told the truth, but to them I worded it in ways that were easier on me, but left a lot of uncertainities to them, this has caused problems, problems I ahve been willing to fix whenever they occur. .... Parents baffle me, or atleast mine.

They will alway will be uncertain even if you do what they tell you to do, they will always wonder if "you'll regress".
I parents nature's to worry about their kids no matter how good they are, I know because I have 2 very good kids..yet...I do my best though and perhaps they are also.
But look it this way, we TG/TS did not get an owners manual on this ->-bleeped-<- body, neither did your parents.  Be kind but move on the best you can with your life.
Love, sheila