I'm going to list a few issues I've been having... partially to vent but I also wouldn't mind your thoughts... I put this in general discussion because not all the issues are transgender related.
I actually have almost completely lost interest in romance... I feel detached. Not even just detached, but entirely uninterested. Sex isn't a problem fantasizing about, but I avoid it because I can't really "release." masturbations only really causes me emotional pain. I've reached a point where I avoid thinking about any sort of intimacy, and this greatly distances me from people. What is even more painful is that I want it but I get a numb feeling when I think about it.
None of my parents (I've got 4 as a result of a divorce) take my GID seriously. My dad thinks I might be hypochondriac and my mom thinks I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress. Neither of them can really comfort me in regards to my gender dysphoria, even though I know both of them want to help. My mom is anti-transition, where my dad just wants to make sure it's "really" GID. But that doubt still really hurts me, even though it's just a precaution. My step dad thinks it's just a phase and my step mom has actually been pretty supportive (she isn't PRO transition, but she's there for me when I need her).
My parents (all 4 of them) want me to fit more into the "social norm." That is, the social norm of a young girl. It's also a struggle. My dad makes hints, where my step mom tries positive suggestions (like we're going to practice sewing together, which I don't think is a "guy" or "girl" thing, but some people might think it is). In the mean time, my dad supports some of the masculinity. We're going to work with construction (building houses for poor people, to be exact) and maybe even some mechanics (he supports me getting an old car only if I invest time in learning how to repair cars).
Here's an example of some of the struggle:
Today I was in JCPenny with my dad for about 15 minutes. He very carefully and purposefully dodged the men's department and exposed me to all the women's departments, where I ended up thoroughly bored until I saw some watches. I thought he'd be okay with the adjustments but I guess even he is uncomfortable seeing his "beautiful daughter dressed like a little man." It's all very frustrating, because no one seems to respect my gender identity, or even hardly acknowledge it... At the same time, I'm sure my dad didn't notice how badly I wanted to look at the men's shoes. I'm sure he also doesn't know (and I don't really want him to know, lol) how bad I want boy's socks and underwear...
A lot of my passions have died over the past few weeks, and I didn't notice this happening. It happened very gradually. First, my obsessions died down to just things I like. I saw that as a positive thing. But now I find it hard to feel compassion for others. I used to be enamored with the idea of being in love, and now I am uninterested. One of my favorite comedians, George Carlin, died a few days ago. I thought I would have at least cried, but no. I felt a short bitter sadness, and shrugged it off. This behavior isn't like me, and I'm actually somewhat afraid of what the feelings might mean.
I've been getting gradually more angry over the past couple weeks as well. I feel unacknowledged. Everyone seems to think my gender identity is some sort of game or joke. But the symptoms are slowly getting worse. Today a guy was being really nice to me in my art class. Nice enough that I thought I could like him. He's talented, sweet, even attractive. But I had to shake it off because I realized that with my complications, I can't be in love. He can't see me as a man and love me that way and I can't be the girl he probably wants. My gender dysphoria takes sex and most other forms of intimacy out of the picture. Even hugging people can make me feel dysphoria, because the very act makes me more aware of my own body.
I've been getting mad to the point that my face flushes and I feel tension in my arms. Mind you, I have not started HRT so there is not "chemical" reason for this. I have started working out more, but I thought that would relieve stress.
I said some of this in another thread:
I don't get good sensations from my feminine areas. It feels wrong to me. When I have my period, it's like a wound. I feel like I'm really bleeding. I have the flight or fight response to the sight of my own menstrual blood. And masturbation is out of the question. I can't make it work out, because feminine stimulation feels wrong no matter how I try it. I haven't relieved myself in a good year or more. I don't need a penis to feel complete, but it is hard to know that my sex life will never really exist.
People tell me that strap-ons work just fine. I am not here to proclaim that things are harder for me than anyone else, but "tools" don't work for me. I've tried a lot of things. It just makes me feel more dysphoria because I have to "face the music." I have to be intimate with my body and that makes me feel like ->-bleeped-<-. I've heard transmen say they can have vaginal sex, can internally and externally masturbate, and all of those things. I am not jealous, but I do feel a twist in my gut when I think about it. That they have a "somewhat" easier time because they can relieve themselves. I am NOT saying they're dysphoria is any easier, but they can somehow "forget" about it long enough to get a good fapping in. I just sometimes wish I were so lucky.
People say I'm not trans enough because I sometimes "act like a girl." The giggles, the dancing, the frollicing. I keep trying to explain to them that the stereotypes don't matter. I tell them, look at a gay man. Not just any gay man, but a flaming, flamboyant, effeminate one. Do they doubt for a second that he's a man? Well, maybe, but they will call him "male." And they will call him a "him." They just might not call him a "real man." But in any case, I've made it clear to those who doubt me that I am gay, and if those stereotypes are biological, well, that explains a lot, doesn't it!
And well, there's more. I've been pretty depressed, too.
The main issue is the anger. Anger management techniques (breathing slowly, distraction, doing things I love) isn't strong enough to prevent me from steaming up after the exercise. I am afraid it could get really bad.
I was so angry and a drawing I did today in my art class that I punched my desk a little and ripped the paper out the the sketchbook (rather dramatically) before shoving it forcefully into the trashcan and returning to my seat in a huff. Fortunately, my neighbor thought it was funny that I got so many at my art work, so I didn't scare anyone.
Thanks for anyone who took the time to read the clutter.
