Hello Juliet,
I'm not a girl, but I do have some thoughts. I just came out of a serious drug addiction. I drank, too, but it wasn't much of a problem. I never had DTs from it or anything. But I did have DTs from the drugs, so I know a bit of what you're going through. I've been clean for about 2 months, now going on 3. I've been good so far, but just this evening, I got horrible cravings. And for the first time since being clean, I had doubts. I've been high my entire adult life. I just could not deal with this dysphoria thing (I'm FtM) without being completely obliterated. The problem is - that life is all I know.
I don't know about being an upstanding citizen - but I want to be.
I need to transition, but I'm caught in the same cycle it sounds like you are.
The dysphoria is so bad, I can't function unless I'm high, so if I don't do something about this and soon, I'm going to die a drug addict, having spent my entire life in a virtual dream world - a world in which even the sky is a different color. Seriously, when I got clean, I was in shock because everything was so bright and there were actual colors to things - not at all like the dark, misty-grey world I had lived in for nearly a decade. I want so much to stay and become a citizen of this beautiful new world, but I've only been here a few months.
And then today, I had to get this craving...I didn't fall prey to it, but for a few moments, I had doubts.
Can I really give up this lifestyle - drugs, fast money, fast cars, faster women?
Yes. I can. I just have to find a way to make life in the new world as exciting as life in the old world.
You're on the right track, Juliet, just stick it out. Don't go back to the bottle, you may never get back out again. You're not alone, there are people here who know what you're going through. People who care. Welcome.
May I ask if there is a Romeo?
Nero
