although i've already posted some times i never introduced myself in the "introductions" place... so here it is:
ill try to incorporate all the stuff ive said in other threads
where to begin?
Im at the moment 17 and live in portugal, i havent settled on a name yet, therefore i use a name i've thought up (it seemed to sound nice). I've been playing around with names and meanings. A name i liked which had the same meaning as my born name was Chaeli (i like celtic names
), but its too "different"/exotic to be used by me (also i found it by trying to stay with the same name meaning, so it feels a little imposed like my born name). I also thought about Ines (a name i think my mother considered for me when she was pregnant with me) but liked more the name Joana. still i didnt like something about it, turned out to be the "Jo" part (Jo/Joe, huh?
also it seems right to take it out, as Jo somehow seems to mean god and considering my "distaste" for religion it seems fit to take it away) . So i end up with Ana. Simple, the name of lots of great people and one of my favorite characters in the Myst franchise, and part of my nickname, confirming that i indeed like it very much! So i think it'll be Ana.
wow so much only about my name
... going on to my life:
mmh it all started when i was about 3 to 5 years old. My Grandmother (sadly recently deceased, so any possible question will remain unanswered) asked me for some reason if i prefered if i was a girl. My memories are a little fuzzy but im sure i answered "dunno, i have never been a girl", i believe i said that in part because i hadn't any special reason to like to be a boy in part because my grandmother was a woman and it didnt seem to be bad for her and in part because i wanted to be a girl and was afraid to tell anyone because i vividly imagined everyone towering around me and laughing at me because of that. The last part is unconfirmed, but im sure i tended more to the "yes id love to be a girl" side than the other.
Anyways this event, im sure, made me start to think about it more actively. This and another Event (Me going to buy with my mother some barbie for a friends birthday and me being all interested in the barbies and some guys going past and calling me a girl... oh and that one time at the mcdonalds where they gave me a barbie i was happy to get instead of a hot wheels because they supposedly didnt have any hot wheels left) made me hide any trace of feminity i had and noticed. Doesnt mean i went all butch.
i remember deciding on a favorite color at about that time, blue or green never wher an option, i was all for pink, but as it was and is considered a female color i decided on the next best thing: red. But its too aggressive so i shifted to orange.
I enjoyed playing pretend and with dolls and other things girls did (i dont know how all those games are called in english) yet i rarely did, because i had the care never showing that i wanted to do it, rather i waited for a girl to invite me to play with them.
Yet as i didnt like any of the boy games i mostly played alone with legos wishing they were more like dolls and going into stores seeing girl toys i wanted or that girl-only lego, or that playmobil Mansion and Castle, or on carneval the princess and mermaid costume or movies and tv shows which were directed at girls. Yet i kept quiet about that remembering what i had imagined that could happen if i told my parents what i wanted. I awaited for girls to invite me to play at their houses, but i rarely was invited (except for sometimes by my cousin, where we played with barbies initialy, later we only watched movies, later we even only played monopoly and last time i only showed her some things i had found for msn messenger, yay. I also started to give up on family stories when playing with legos (they arent really good for that) and started with epic sci-fi adventures starring a group of both women and men and of course a whacky professer, ah and lots of times the story involved somehow their base being destroyed and rebuilt because someone (not me) was really clumsy and destroyed my already fragile lego creations every week... that started to get boring very quick and as i started to use the pc i completely stopped with that.
Along my childhod i had many occasions where i definately thought of wanting to be a girl (for example a tv show where a male cop became a female cop, and i thought i would want to do that one day and already wanted to tell my parents, but once again i thought of people laughing and didnt tell anyone. at that time i didnt know anything about transsexuals, only that it seemed that some people decide to change from male to female) and where i was showing feminine attitudes i tried to hide.
i learned about ->-bleeped-<-s as everyone was leading me to believe were the only ones whochanged from male to female clothing . I didnt want to be that, a person who only did that for sexual arousal, and still look petty much male. I started to think less about it.
i went through life with several outbursts of "i gotta turn into a girl somehow. maybe ill find a magic item or i will be sent to an alternate universe where i am a girl".
At a certain time i was feeling really low because i was the oldest AND smallest of class, and still am (that was very horrible for the sensitive and quiet person i was... now ive learned to tell them to ->-bleeped-<- off or hit them on the arm if they are friends and i know they wont take it wrong). My parents decided i should go to the doctor and they told me to take some male hormones, for some reason i didnt understand i wanted to protest against it, but as there was no good reason i simply told my parents i didnt want it because i heard it would make me grow less than i would naturally without extra chemicals. The doctors told them it wasnt true and i had to take a small dosage once per month for 4 months... i regret that. That summer i learned a lot about transexuals and thats when everything really started.
i found a transsexual who openly admitted to be one on a forum (that was very very lucky, if i hadnt gone to that forum at that time or she hadn gone there, i would have never discovered so easily about this). I found through her website lots of links, and from those links i found more, like this website. A new world opened for me. I still was afraid and tried to live without that... didnt work.
The same summer i took those hormones and learned about transexuals it went downhill. i felt more than ever before the need to change. I had to be a girl. I liked soo much more to dress like a girl, look like a girl, be a girl. For some reaon also much more programs about ->-bleeped-<- were appearing on tv, i was getting mad...
thats when i contacted the transsexualsi had seen on a forum, asking for inside help, what she thought about this, i took the cogiati test i found somewhere getting a "possible transsexual" result, but dismissing it because i could have answered in a way that i would get that result. I went throught the net, read forums, read venus envy and lots of other webcomics and decided to tell my parents the same summer.
From all they told me i think this phrase they said sums everything up: "you are crazy" they also tried to convince me im understanding everything wrong. Me not liking soccer doesnt mean that im a girl, my father didnt like it either... blah blah, they didnt understand. I told them to search a specialized therapist, but they chose the cheapest and quickly forgot everything. My mom even started to say some time later that she wished i would tell her what i feel... damn i already told her and she ignores it... way to go. It shocked me even more how she and others reacted to something on dr. Phil. There was this guy who had some problem and to ignore the problem he immersed himself in the computer, his wife was desperate and dr. phil told her that she should take the pc completely away from him for a year and he would learn to do and like other things. They didnt even try to solve whatever problem he had, and worse my mom agreed with them and joked that she should do the same with me... or that movie dead poet society, i was identifying with the guy who killed himself, and my parents must have seen some parallels but once again not understood. They asked me after the movie "so... uh... do you wanna be an actor?". Sadly my parents dont understand that i would have already run away from home if i didnt know already that i would kill myself in the process and because i care about them and my family. For them its all A grades in school and nothing else... and they wonder why i dont tell them anything about what i feel...
the last years i have started to live somewhat with the idea of being transsexual (at least in some way transgendered) maybe even Bi or gay and sometimes i just fealt desperate.
along the years i have been a target of many jokes, told i seemed gay (meaning girly, or just saying that as an insult), and being hit and whatnot. most likely the last is because im small and weak or because of how i react to things.
by now i've grown my hair to shoulder length (though my parents want me to cut it and considering that im supposed to be a boy for still a long time, i might cut it. facial hair growth is no problem, just gotta cut it once a week or 2 weeks, and only because i dont want to walk around with a light moustache body hair isnt a problem either, still its more than id like to have. I hate the size of my nose, feet and hands, rest is so-so. adams apple seems to be growing, and voice isnt that bad (except when depresed, where i mostly mumble with a deep voice) when im happy i have a higher pitched voice and my normal voice is often mistaken for my mothers voice and sadly more and more often for my older brothers voice...
As you might know from my few posts i will have to postpone any possible transtition by many years...
i have said months ago:
"While Sometimes i'm so sure about it, that it is the right thing, other times im not so sure anymore...
I know, that if im a boy, im different than all others i've met, but right now i can't relate so much to girls either, as i have lived differently till now.
I know, that i had always thought about this, that i always have wanted to be a girl and have always wanted to play with the girls.
I don't know if i was or am now lying to myself.
I know there is a reason i want to become a woman and not a man, i know i am kind of girly pretty often.
I don't know the reason.
i lie really well about important things, this fact is hidden by my failed attempts to lie with unimportant things, i lie so well that i don't know what i really felt and feel.
This feeling could be so many things yet i always tell myself it is the feeling i want to live as a female."
by now its different i started to remember many uninfluenced and definate memories of me honestly wishing to be a girl, not because of the clothes not because of the toys not because of anything that wasnt the pure wish to live as a girl.
also an interesting thing id not like to rewrite:
"Also when a friend and i were comparing my age with other classmates (we were in a joking mood, so everything we said would be taken as a joke) i tried to test his reaction to this. we noticed that if we didnt count those who had to repeat a year i would be the oldest. And then i noticed that if i was a girl i would be the oldest of the girls. After this i told him that there would be only one logical solution to this age problem. Surprisingly he seemed to actually take it seriously. I dismissed that thought by saying that i actually meant killing off all older guys which made him get back to our joking mood.
At some point when me a male friend and a female friend were waiting for lunch break to end, those friends were talking about something, i was mentioned, and then the girl looked at me and said that she had completely forgotten i was a boy, for some reason."
well i could talk again of the rest of my horrible life like my non private bedroom (parents didnt want to give me the key to my room...) and how i would feel miserable even without identity crisis or my low self-esteem.
lets just end this here, i might add or change some things, but this is pretty complete
p.s. wow the name part doesnt seem that much anymore... tried to make paragraphs all around for easyer reading, dunno if the paragraphs are at the right spots
