Am I weird?

[trapthavok]

The more and more I think about it, the more and more I feel like I really should be a guy. I've had my self-esteem crushed most of my life into thinking something was wrong with me for hating girls clothes to the point where I was actually wearing them for a while, trying to force myself to like them and be okay with my body because everyone keeps telling me "I'm beautiful" [bleagh]

I guess when I started college, my thing was "ok, I'm finally dressing like a girl...why is it so hard for me to get a boyfriend?" I realize now I just looked like a girly tomboy for one and looking back...I don't like guys in that sense. At all. So it makes sense now.

I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, but I'm more attracted to/interested in girls. I've never been on a date, and I only technically kissed a guy once (and it was disgusting...) I'm going to try out my RLE, by starting to dress and act like a boy (like I've always wanted), and I'm even going to start contemplating how I should get my hair cut (cause I've always hated my hair, long or medium length). It just makes sense to me the more and more I think about it, but I want to take it slow and make sure I really understand my feelings. I'm only 20, so I have time.

My thing is....I've never had any real experience with either sex so how do I know I don't like girls in the sense that I am a girl...How do I know I'm not just interested in crossdressing 100% of the time, and not actually changing my body? I know the sexual side of things is not my entire dilemma but it is one of the many things I think about when I'm thinking "maybe I AM a guy...and do I really want to change my body and lifestyle to become one."

It's a small issue, yeah...but I don't want to have any regrets when everything is all said and done...is this normal? Or am I just obsessing over nothing....

Eh..there's so much to me, that this is seriously only ONE of my issues...

[J.T.]

Nope, you're not weird.  I was where you were about a year ago... obsessed and overanalyzing.

Just keep trucking and eventually everything will fall into place.

[Lachlann]

Its alright to be a bit confused as to what or who you 'are'. Not everyone has the same story when it comes to being transgendered because we're all people; We're all different.

I've known something was off since a VERY young age, but I knew what lesbians were when I was age 7 or so and I wondered if I was one. And when I thought about it, it just didn't feel right. Lesbians(or Bisexuals) seemed to be comfortable with their female bodies and with their female parts as a whole. Some of them acted tomboyish or 'butch' but I don't think any of them wanted to be male. Me? I was upset that I wasn't born male, but told no one. I then found out what the term transgendered meant and everything clicked for me.

But its not completely that way for you. Or I don't know that anyway.

Take it easy, think it over. It isn't weird for you to be obsessed over it, in fact its probably a good idea you're exploring all possibilities. Its better to be sure than it is to be unsure.

[Mister]

The more and more I think about it, the more and more I feel like I really should be a guy. I've had my self-esteem crushed most of my life into thinking something was wrong with me for hating girls clothes to the point where I was actually wearing them for a while, trying to force myself to like them and be okay with my body because everyone keeps telling me "I'm beautiful" [bleagh]

I guess when I started college, my thing was "ok, I'm finally dressing like a girl...why is it so hard for me to get a boyfriend?" I realize now I just looked like a girly tomboy for one and looking back...I don't like guys in that sense. At all. So it makes sense now.

I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, but I'm more attracted to/interested in girls. I've never been on a date, and I only technically kissed a guy once (and it was disgusting...) I'm going to try out my RLE, by starting to dress and act like a boy (like I've always wanted), and I'm even going to start contemplating how I should get my hair cut (cause I've always hated my hair, long or medium length). It just makes sense to me the more and more I think about it, but I want to take it slow and make sure I really understand my feelings. I'm only 20, so I have time.

My thing is....I've never had any real experience with either sex so how do I know I don't like girls in the sense that I am a girl...How do I know I'm not just interested in crossdressing 100% of the time, and not actually changing my body? I know the sexual side of things is not my entire dilemma but it is one of the many things I think about when I'm thinking "maybe I AM a guy...and do I really want to change my body and lifestyle to become one."

It's a small issue, yeah...but I don't want to have any regrets when everything is all said and done...is this normal? Or am I just obsessing over nothing....

Eh..there's so much to me, that this is seriously only ONE of my issues...

I don't have much to say for the majority of your post, since I've rebelled against female beauty norms since I had a voice.  Just ask my mother. 

As far as the body changing bit... well..  how do you feel about your body?  Do your breasts make you feel sexy?  Can you invision, say, carrying and birthing a child? 

And, as always, a good gender therapist can help you sort through all of these things.  Also, I'd check out a copy of Kate Bornstein's 'Gender Workbook'-- it's great for picking apart gender norms, societal BS and your own internalized transphobia.

Good luck.

[trapthavok]

As far as the body changing bit... well..  how do you feel about your body?  Do your breasts make you feel sexy?

No, are they supposed to? I feel like I could do without them but it'd be weird...like I'd need getting used to the idea.
As far as the rest of my body, I want to bulk up and be muscular! Especially my abs and arms. But not a muscle-woman....cause they look gross. I guess I want to be a muscular guy??

Can you invision, say, carrying and birthing a child? 

Haha no. 1) Because I don't want kids. 2).....just..no way.... I don't want anything popping out of there.

And, as always, a good gender therapist can help you sort through all of these things.  Also, I'd check out a copy of Kate Bornstein's 'Gender Workbook'-- it's great for picking apart gender norms, societal BS and your own internalized transphobia.
Good luck.

Thanks! Now I'll have something to read on my cruise. I checked it out online, looks like a good guide to sorting out my confusion.
EDIT: It's not in stock at any bookstore in my area I was so excited too....
Thanks for your help. I have a therapist right now to sort through my depression but I don't know if she's dealt with gender issues before.

And Monty, thanks. I know what you mean by "when the time is right I'll know." Somehow I get it.

[Lachlann]

Your therapist will most likely be able to refer you to someone who is experienced in the field of GID and specializes in that.

As for the book, you could try looking for it online. I'm sure you'd find more books like that online than you could in a regular bookstore.

I think its important you learn as much as you can, continually ask yourself questions like, "Does this apply to me?" or "How does this apply to me?"
The more knowledge you have under your belt, the better I think you can understand where your problems lie and what they are.

Good luck!

[Mister]

As far as the body changing bit... well..  how do you feel about your body?  Do your breasts make you feel sexy?

No, are they supposed to?

This is a silly question to ask someone who paid to have theirs removed, me thinks.

[Maebh]

So Trapthavok, you're a bit confused? 
You must be really weird because, as you will notice from reading the different posts on this site  none of us never was and never is.  Only kidding 
Fáilte
Welcome to the club. Here is a safe place for you to explore your feelings, thoughts and desires. Some contributions or experience might resonate with you or open new understandings and hopes. Remember that you don't have to replace some culturally imposed norms by others. You are a unique and beautiful individual with god given gifts. So be gentle and patient with yourself and do not rush to stick a label on yourself.
Good luck on your exciting voyage of self discovery, self acceptance and self realisation.
Go n-éirí do bhóthar leat

Hope, Light, Love, Laughter & Respect

Maebh

[JCov212]

You've just basically stated my entire problem...I know this isn't helping you any. But you're not alone. I'm feeling the same thing as you are at the moment. Still trying to figure out what I want and everything.

One thing I've learned is to take it one day at a time and see where things progress from there.

[Maebh]

You've just basically stated my entire problem...I know this isn't helping you any. But you're not alone. I'm feeling the same thing as you are at the moment. Still trying to figure out what I want and everything.

Yes and even just that should be at least reassuring.

One thing I've learned is to take it one day at a time and see where things progress from there.

Very wise words. 
And who said there was no hope about today's youth?
Please keep posting.
Looking forward to hear more from you.

HLLL&R

Maebh

[PolarBear]

I'm right there with you...
I have this female body and while I never hated it, on and off it just didn't feel 'right'. That feeling has been with me for the last half year at least, and it shows no signs of getting less.
So yeah, am I a man, a 'butch' woman, or a woman who wants to crossdress? Ah, if only the answers were as easy as the questions...

Since I've been exploring these feelings a bit more, I have to admit that the 'male in me' has come more in the foreground more and more. So much, that I am thinking about changing my gender on these forums to male. (but not just yet... That feels like a huge step to me, an admission of sorts I am not quite ready for yet. Because that would mean that I just might really be male, and that opens a big can of huge problems, as you all can probably understand.)

As far as the boobs making you feel sexy, it used to be that way for me. But I guess I was really good at hiding my own feelings for myself, so I don't know if that really counts. I had no problems walking around in a tight shirt and tight jeans with an androgynous haircut. Never a feminine haircut though 


Cheers,
PolarBear, who cannot accept the things (s)he cannot change.

[trapthavok]

Thanks for the reassuring words. JC, it does reassure me to know there are people just as confused as I am so thanks for posting here.

Thank you for your kind words Maebh That and your welcome made me smile. JC and Maebh, you guys give me hope that the longer I stay here, the more we can all help each other out.

And PolarBear, you sound almost like I do. I'm somewhat different in that I just wore girl clothes cause I thought I had to stop wearing my boy clothes and 'grow up'. My family had a couple of tomboys and when I saw them changing right around my age at 18, I thought "oh, I guess I'm supposed to do that too" but I hated the clothes I bought during that change, the tight pants were always itchy to me but I lied to myself and told myself they made it easier to skateboard, since I saw some of the guys wearing them.

I never had short hair though. I grew my hair just past my shoulders, never took care of it cause it was a burden to me and then ended up having to cut it just above the shoulders cause my hair had knotted in the back. I STILL don't like my hair, and now I'm thinking of cutting it boy short.... though I have no idea how to take care of it. I'm just tired of taking care of it the way it is now, and it always made me feel odd cause the first thing my younger sister would do every morning when she woke up was brush and comb her hair til it looked perfect. I thought "I want to look nice like that" but I don't put the effort into it. I see now that that's not me though.

I've started buying the clothes I feel comfortable in again, basketball shorts, big shirts...and though I'm still confused it just makes me that much happier to at least have power over what I wear. I never had the choice in my family it felt like. I didn't like the odd looks they gave me or the clothes they always tried to buy for me.

One step at a time, beginning with making myself wardrobe happy.

[PolarBear]

Good on you for starting to buy the clothes you feel comfortable in! Clothes do a lot for me, in as to how I am feeling. And things such as basketball shorts, and wider shirts can be worn by both male and females these days, so when your family gives you weird looks you can always say you are "just trying out a new style". Which is true, really. 

And short hair is easy to maintain, just put some hairgel in it and you're ready. The only pain in the *rse is when you want to let it grow out a bit again. I've tried that, but I always have it cut short again after a while. So you might want to wait with that for a bit.

[trapthavok]

True, I just shut my mom up a minute ago with the fedora I was wearing while packing. "What, you don't like it? Self expression." I LOVE fedoras. I finally got my own

And short hair is easy to maintain, just put some hairgel in it and you're ready. The only pain in the *rse is when you want to let it grow out a bit again. I've tried that, but I always have it cut short again after a while. So you might want to wait with that for a bit.

I'm going to decide which hairstyle I want first before cutting it. My only thing is I'm black...so there's a lot of hassle in doing hair =/ I just relaxed mine about a couple of weeks ago before I really started thinking about all these things, so the hairgel trick might work for a month or so while it's still pretty flimsy but after that, it's going to curl and fluff up... I'd love to cut it just short enough that you can't see my scalp, but I've never seen it that short, and I don't remember how curly it is since I've been relaxing for years. We'll see how it goes