Hi everyone,
Been feeling a little lonley lately, work has me travelling for the past six months from mon-fri and I haven't been able to make an appointment with my Doc to get back on HRT. I was only on my HRT for about a month at the end of last year, but with the new job offer I took I haven't had time to get back into the Doc's office and get things started again.
I also haven't been able to schedule time with my therapist, wonderful man that he is, to talk about any issues and to get the morale boost that I get from our meetings. I must say that when I go back to seeing my therapist and Doc that I will feel like such a flake for not sticking with it the first time. I would hate to cast doubts into their minds that would make them think that maybe they weren't doing the right thing by allowing me to continue transition because I wasn't able to stick with it the first time. I do have a valid reason though, so I guess I should take comfort in that. To me providing for my family comes first, even at the expense of me having to delay my transition.
I've been going through the mind battle, weighing my responsibilities as my wife's husband and parent of a wonderful little boy. I feel so torn between wanting to be a good father to my son, and at the same time the desire to transition hits me like a mack truck after I have put away the feelings for too long.
I have told my wife some time back about my desire to transistion, and we went through an awkward phase were she accepted it but I dont really think she understood the situation. She told me she would see if she could handle it when the transition happened, but could make no guarantee's on whether or not we would stay together. We even looked online at clothes together, and she bought me a pair of shoes and a cheapish dress. When I actually went to put the dress and shoes on she laughed at me, saying that I looked ridiculous. I dont think she meant it in a mean way, and I suppose I could see it from her angle with this very manish person wearing a dress and high heels walking in the living room. I guess that was really the best that I could ask for, considering the situation could have become much worse. At one point in our discussions she asked if I couldnt get testosterone injections instead of estrogen to help with my situation. I simply did not answer that question and let it slide. After that all talks of the issue dropped. She knows that I was seeing a therapist, but of course she never asked any questions after I came back from my sessions, and I never burdened her with my issue.
I think a big part of my lonliness comes from the fact that it's hard to make local friends with the job that I have. There is a GLBT group called the Gulf Gender Alliance that meets once a month on saturdays, but since the weekends is the only time I'm home at the moment I can't justify going instead of spending time with my family. Aside from my therapist, I dont really have anyone to talk to. I'm sure alot of you have felt the same way, but writing it down here helps me to release at least a little bit of the sadness I feel. As I sit here in my hotel room I swear the past six months of keeping everything A OK as far as putting up my male front is about to make me cry. I'm so tired of continuing the lie, seeing everyone else around me happy while I'm fighting to maintain my smile.
My sister in law was in town with her husband a few weeks ago, and she had noticed that my legs were shaved because I was wearing shorts. She asked me if I shaved my legs, I said yes. She asked me why, I fumbled around with an answer and told her that I was bored. I suppose I was sort of telling the truth because I am truly bored of being a man. No further mention was made of it, so the issue was dropped.
I have waxed my eyebrows with my wife in the past few months. She thinks of me as a metrosexual I suppose, so whatever. She even gave me a manicure one night, and even though it was just a clear coat strengthener I was so happy. I never do my eyebrows up girly, I just keep them cleaned up since I have to interact with high profile customers who probably wouldnt be too kean on having a trans person as their customer service rep. I am honestly getting tired of the body hair shaving because without hormones, it seems to be growing in within the span of a few days. I'm trying to schedule my sixth laser treatment for facial hair removal, but so far they do not have times available that I can meet due to work restrictions. Hopefully that will change soon, all I can do is wait and see.
The guys I work with right now are good guys, but they are good ole boys. One of them even mentioned that if a man called Sam walked out of work on friday and came back to work on monday as Samantha that he would not be able to contain his laughter. I dont know how that discussion got brought up, I certainly didnt bring it up, but as far as they know I'm an ex military guy just like them who loves beer, boobs, and guns. But just hearing that mans comments made my heart sink, because up until that point I thought of them as friends and it hit me that they would never accept a transgender person as a friend, no matter how much they knew of the man before the woman.
I guess tonight my patience has finally given way to the grief that I keep bottled up inside. I dont want anyone to worry about me, I am looking forward to a little downtime from work next month, and I'm hoping to get back on track with my therapist and doc. It's just about time too :-)
