when i first went into transition was a period of wild swings. it seemed i was acutely aware of every response to me. there were two forces at work in this, as far as i could see.
the first was that i was in unfamiliar waters. i didn't know how i should be precieved myself, still wasn't even sure of how i precieved myself. the second was that i had no training or experience in being precieved in any manner at all, let alone making an impression almost everywhere i went. i had lived a life as a ghost, been very good at being invisible, a generic taker up of space.
as a result i found myself very sensitive. i noticed and reacted to almost everything regardless of how big or small. if i smiled at someone who didn't smile back i came to think badly of them. they weren't smiling back because they were a dang bigot over there judging me! if they did smile back then they were nice people who i liked very much right off the bat. it was all about me.
it took some time for me to come to the realization that sometimes it actually wasn't about me at all. imagine that, people on the street going about their days without concern for the ->-bleeped-<- in there midst. sometimes if someone didn't smile back, it didn't have anything at all to do with my presentation, it had to do with that his wife yelled at him before he left the house this morning and he was angry with her...if he even noticed my smile it would probably annoy him, 'what's she got to be so dang cheerful about?' the next day when his wife gave him a loving kiss as he went off to work he felt alot better, he may smile at me first. it wasn't about me at all in many, if not most, cases.
once i got over that extreme sensitivity things got a lot better and i became much more stable in my presentation. i got to let others be themselves without my input...very liberating...now i could be me and let them be them without making any assumptions at all.
now, i know that i am under scrutiny more then most...when people take that second glance and get the impression that something isn't quite right here i do get noticed. i have learned to accept that too without making assumptions. i've learned that some of the most adament of trashers can become strong supporters over very little, just friendly chatter or a random kind act...not always...but it happens more then i ever would have thought it could.
i have found that while most people do hold a negative attitude about us, it's shallow and vulnerable in alot of cases. they hold that attitude only because it's the general one we are taught early on and is propagated by the jerry springer faction of wierdo's. when that attitude is confronted with kindness, understanding and gentleness it's often very easily dispelled.
it seems that if we wait just a minute, don't make any judgements about others motives until they make them very clear we usually get it right. sometimes we will run across the jerk, the one who's mind is all made up and sees us as inferior creatures, of no real value. when we do, then it's a decision we make in context. sometimes you can confront that attitude straight on and sometimes it's better to just leave that one alone. some times it's a lost cause to us mortals, it's going to take a higher power if that one is ever to change. other times you might see an opening and go for it. depends on the circumstances.
my point is....transition and thin skin are not a good mix. i think we do better by not assuming bad motives because of bad manners...often they are exclusive of one another.
