My Turn

[TheBattler]

OK - it is my turn to vent.

How could I get like this - on the verge of going full time and doubting myself and wondering if I am truly female. And add to that last week when I went to Kangaroo valley one of the people these who knows me said I was not ready for full time and brought up the suicide word again and warned me aganst going FT so soon. Great - I have been doubting myself ever since but feel like I need to kick on and get the FT thing out of the way to see if this is going to work for me.

So we come to last night - our support meeting was a disaster. One of our most important people is having a hard ATM and did not feel like getting sociable. In getting to talk to her we found she had a lot on her mind and of cause suicide was one of them. We spent a lot of the night trying to talk to abbey and get her in a reasonable shape. In addition a a new person caused tension in the group due to their personality and the other newbie brought along a ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- ( I thought it was her father when they walked in). At the end of the meeting when at sitting in our cars I could not help wondering if that was the last time I would see Abbey alive and I hope she can hang in there for now. I am not sure what we would do without her.


While I know Meghan chose FFS I can not help but be said about our plite. I think of her in the pain from the surgery and the grogy state of the morphine and I wounder why we all go through this pain. So many of us have had surgery and in the future there will be more. My dear friend Kate is going for SRS very soon so I am said she has to go through the pain of that sugery. I just want us all to be happy but it seam there are things we need to do first.

For myself I just know I will need SRS if I do make it to full time. I am doing this cause I belive I am female and for now other reason. I just want to fit into society for the first time in my life and having that lump down there is unacceptable if I am female. I know my future and it is ironic that I am moving towards that given on one of my breakdown night I said to myself "I do not want to make that fatefull trip to Thailand.

And work, that could not get an worse. We have been asked to do some unreasonable request in very short time frames and have no say when we want to say know. I have been under preasure at work this whole year so I cry over that now.

I just feel like crying about all of this and about how much pain we all go through.  I hope you do not mind me venting.



Alice

[funnygrl]

BIG HUGS TO YOU ALICE!!!!

All I can say is that even though I'm nowhere near ready to be FT I too have had many doubts. Thank God my therapist has been there to put these feelings into perspective for me. I have read many of your previous posts and would hazard a guess that you, like so many of us here, suffer from "severe depression" associated w/ GID.

I can say that I have to constantly fight to keep myself in a "positive mind set", positive self talk, telling yourself that you're not going to allow yourself to have these thought's, these doubts.

I see myself in the mirror and I don't see this feminine image I want so badly to see, and then of course I start doubting, getting depressed, wanting to stop and also starting in with the self deprecating talk. I have had quite a few "break down nights" myself since starting all of this back in Sept 07' and it sucks to say the least.

Like you, I have found comfort here and in my therapist.

We're gonna get depressed, we're gonna doubt and if we don't fight those feelings / thoughts when they show up we'll lose.

Hope that helped, at least a little anyway.

As your profile say's:

Courage is the ability to go forward despite the doubts and fears

Alice, I know you have plenty of COURAGE

[Laura91]

I just feel like crying about all of this and about how much pain we all go through.  I hope you do not mind me venting.



Alice

There is nothing wrong with venting every once in a while.

[TheBattler]

Seams like I am going Manic/Depression and the strain is getting to me. I will need some help this week and I will ensure I ask for it.

Alice

Posted on: July 14, 2008, 11:01:13 AM

Nothing like a complete breakdown to fix up my mood.

Alice

Posted on: July 14, 2008, 01:19:38 PMPhew,

My mood swings are over for now but that where more servire then I expected. Nothing like being totaly in the dumps one minute then laughing my head of the next. Those depressive moments where bad and talking to my doctor yesterday just brought them back. I had a friend come over last night as I thought I would need his help to ensure I was ok. I had settled down by the time he arrive and I was ok. Lets hope I never get that depressed again, it was emotional toucher there for a while.

Alice

[Janet_Girl]

Alice Sweety,

I really hope that you are feeling better.  I have had doubts and worries going forward into Full Time too.  But I keep heading in that direction because it is the only thing that keeps my sanity.

Love and Hugs,
Janet

[TheBattler]

Thanks Jenet for your concern,

I am ok for now - I just have to watch for the next low point and remember it is ok and I can make it.



Alice



Posted on: July 16, 2008, 01:10:25 PMhmm - what is normal. Mood swings are just as good as ever now, I can one last night and another just before lunch today. They are short but very sharp, everyone (inclucding myself) is worried I will do so self harm soon  .

I trying to get all the help I need at the moment I just feel emotionaly drained and need some peace. I just hope I can hang in here for a while, I am sick of hating this life.

      


Alice