Quote from: Sasha2 on August 06, 2008, 02:59:13 PM
I find everything about it dificult to accept. All of the hopes and dreams that a mother has for her children have been wiped out in one instant. I will never see my daughter walk down the isle in the arm of her father. I will never have grandchildren (she is very adamant about that subject) Basically she is asking me to bury my daughter in order to accept this new person whom I did not ask for, nor understand. I want to understand, but I always come back to the same question... "if your mind is telling you one thing and your body is reflecting another, wouldn't it be easier to fix your mind and not butcher your body?" I don't mean to disrespect anyone on this site, please understand that I am in hell here. I don't know what the future holds for us, I hope therapy wil help me understand this better. Thanks for listening and any advice you can give me.
Sasha
Sasha, I may be wandering in a little late on this topic, but I'd like to help if I can.
My situation isn't quite like yours, as I'm not a parent. However, I am a partner to Dani, who is MtF (male to female) and a lot of the issues are similar.
Transition is difficult for both the trans person and anyone who loves them. You see, you are in a state of transition too, and as someone told me you don't have the benefit of living with the trans feelings for however many years. So as SO's we have some catching up to do. It can be done though. Your post reflects your hurt and that's what moved me to reply.
You're angry, upset, confused, sad..the list could go on, but you're also *normal*. It's a big shock and a whole riot of feelings gets set loose. But you're also strong. It took strength to post how you're feeling. I applaud you for being honest. Honesty is very key in the transition process; communication is the other key. You aren't alone. You're doing great by reaching out to others and trying to understand. Education helps defeat fear by eliminating ignorance. Find out all you can about FtM's and teenagers who have transitioned. Your son has chosen a therapist, perhaps you could see if that therapist will also help you. If not, look for a therapist who specializes in gender issues and will help parents. Also talk to your son. It's going to be scary and stressful the first time, but keep the lines of communication open. This is also a scary time for him too. He's probably afraid of losing you as well.
It's also OK to cry. Cry all you need to. You may be amazed at how much it helps. I cried a great deal when Dani told me she wanted to transition (both times!) I cried making my first post here. I cried writing up my blog posts about transition. Crying is part of the grieving process. I like to think of it as washing away all of the sadness and hurt. It leaves a space behind which allows you room to think and deal with whatever is bothering you. Also, you don't need to accept your son's transition all at once! It's an awfully big lump to swallow all at once. Do it in small increments. Take one thing at a time that upsets you about your son's transition and figure out why! And be honest with yourself too. If you aren't, you won't make progress. I was very threatened at the beginning because I felt that Dani would make a "better" woman that I did. Until I realized that there was no such thing as a "better" woman. Perhaps part of you feels like you failed as a parent? If so, I don't think you've failed yet!
You may also want to try writing out your feelings. My goodness I could not believe how much better I felt typing up what I have so far. I went through a lot of tissues, but it was amazing how much more at peace I felt with myself. And I haven't even posted them anywhere. Typing up how you're feeling can also help you see how far you've progressed and perhaps help isolate what's bothering you. I know I found another "reason" for me while doing so.
As for having your son change his mind instead of his body, as Dani said, "if it was as easy as that, I'd have done it a long time ago." One of the things that Dani has done which has helped me tremendously is that she is willing to take things slowly, so I can accept the changes that will happen. Perhaps asking your son to take things one step at a time will help you as well. As SO's we're kind of along for the ride as ultimately transition is about the trans person. But being along for the ride, doesn't mean we're totally out of control. After all, we can always ask to stop and smell the roses while on the ride
Please don't disappear! Come back and talk with us too. We want to help!
WR
