Threatened, beaten up, breakdown, therapy, is it worth it?

[KitKatKathy]

Most who read about my Myrtle Beach trip, know I got threatened while out in dress, (if not, see my other posts).  Well, in mid July, I got attacked and beaten up as I was heading to a bar in South St. Louis, dumb me, it was evening (dark), I was alone and had parked a bit away, but I really wanted to go out, and the wife had to work (BTW she no longer is very supportive of this, we have had a few small 'words' since), and I didn't go with anyone else. I had on minimal makeup, jeans, sandals, very casual looking. Just one guy, but I didn't see him coming, he blindsided me and then hit/kicked me five or six times, calling me ->-bleeped-<-got and ->-bleeped-<- and other names, nothing stolen, just wanted to kick some butt. World is full of a$$holes.

A week later, I had a blow up at work, after one of my co-workers (they still don't know about Kelly) made a comment about my gay stepsons (whom I adore/love)  and how I looked, in his words, "->-bleeped-<-gy'. I got mad, punched a wall (split open skin and cracked a knuckle) and then brokedown, and cried my eyes out, while at hospital.

I decided to see a shrink.

Three visits now and I'm still searching for answers. I don't know, I mostly feel feminine, but will I ever be female? I am male but I don't really feel masculine. Why is god doing this to me?  Why am I doing this to me?  Should I try and give up the female side of me altogether?  Should I just come out altogether, possibly lose job, (very testosterone filled workplace, only one female has ever worked/been hired there and she didn't last a week), freinds, family?  Should I go all the way and start HRT, then later on surgery (and possibly lose wife as well)?  Should I maintain status quo (male on weekdays, female on weekends)?  I am very confused right now. And the shrink doesn't seem to be helping.

Sigh...

Kelly

[Natalie W]

Most who read about my Myrtle Beach trip, know I got threatened while out in dress, (if not, see my other posts).  Well, in mid July, I got attacked and beaten up as I was heading to a bar in South St. Louis, dumb me, it was evening (dark), I was alone and had parked a bit away, but I really wanted to go out, and the wife had to work (BTW she no longer is very supportive of this, we have had a few small 'words' since), and I didn't go with anyone else. I had on minimal makeup, jeans, sandals, very casual looking. Just one guy, but I didn't see him coming, he blindsided me and then hit/kicked me five or six times, calling me ->-bleeped-<-got and ->-bleeped-<- and other names, nothing stolen, just wanted to kick some butt. World is full of a$$holes.

A week later, I had a blow up at work, after one of my co-workers (they still don't know about Kelly) made a comment about my gay stepsons (whom I adore/love)  and how I looked, in his words, "->-bleeped-<-gy'. I got mad, punched a wall (split open skin and cracked a knuckle) and then brokedown, and cried my eyes out, while at hospital.

I decided to see a shrink.

Three visits now and I'm still searching for answers. I don't know, I mostly feel feminine, but will I ever be female? I am male but I don't really feel masculine. Why is god doing this to me?  Why am I doing this to me?  Should I try and give up the female side of me altogether?  Should I just come out altogether, possibly lose job, (very testosterone filled workplace, only one female has ever worked/been hired there and she didn't last a week), freinds, family?  Should I go all the way and start HRT, then later on surgery (and possibly lose wife as well)?  Should I maintain status quo (male on weekdays, female on weekends)?  I am very confused right now. And the shrink doesn't seem to be helping.

Sigh...

Kelly

First, I'd like to say sorry for what's happened to you.  That's a really horrible thing to have happen.  Look on the 'bright' side at least - you're still alive and well.  Not everyone can say that, and you're probably a stronger person for the experience. 

As for your questions... I don't think anyone here can answer them.  That's something only you can do after some serious thinking.  If you gave up your female side, could you still be truly happy?  Or would you be repressing a part of yourself?  Repressing yourself can REALLY mess you up. Should you come out altogether? You said that you could possibly lose your job, but what else could you possibly lose?  What would you stand to gain by coming out?  Should you go all the way?  Do you feel that you would be happier living as a woman for the rest of your life?  Would the possibility of losing everything and facing more violence be worth that happiness?  Do you still like living as a man at times, and would you regret transition sometime down the road? 

Sorry to respond to your questions with more questions, but, like I said, no one can answer them for you.  The most we can do is answer them as they apply to us and perhaps give you food for though.  I hope that you find what is right for you.

Natalie

[cindianna_jones]

The shrink should only guide you to make your own decisions. So, there you are.

You have two choices right now. 

1 -  Give all this up and try to go back to a normal straight life.  If you haven't tried this yet, I strongly suggest you give it a go.  If you can, this is your best choice.

2 -  If you have tried and failed step 1, then you need to spend time on the other side, read and post in this forum (or others), and get to know other people who share similar feelings. Let me warn you that following this path has many potential risks.  I see you've already had a taste.

Chin up!

Cindi

[barbie]

Kelly,

I am sorry to hear your bad news. I do not know about St. Louis, but just can guess what is going on there.

When I lived in the U.S., a few people, especially some Catholics, openly expressed the negative views on my crossdressing, causing some emotional fusses. Because there was a strict state law for protecting gays and other sexual minorities, most people could not openly criticize my crossdressing.

To my eyes, some Americans tend to be very clear in Yes/No or other kind of binary system. In my country (S. Korea), we tend not to have a very clear boundary between right and wrong or yes or no. Korean Catolics are very open-minded people.  Beating gays or transgendered people has not yet reported in newspaper here, although there are prejudices and discriminations. There is no explicit law for protecting gender minors in my country, but a new framework of law for sexual minority  was passed in the National Assembly last year.

If the situation around you is indeed serious and life-threatening, then consulting a lawyer to punish them and prevent potential physical violence would be one and probably last measure you can take, IMHO.

My second opinion is that going out alone is undesirable and could be dangerous. When you went out with your wife, at least you could get help. In my case, sociability has been a critical factor in my public crossdressing. I seldom go out alone in full dress, although virtually there is no threat to my crossdressing here. This is just to minimize possible embarrassment.

At my work place, people at first did not like my long hairs and other 'queer' fashions. Nowadays, most people know who I am, and more people accept me as I am. Sociability in workplace was critical in my case. I think you have great professional career in your job. I do, too, and it helped me a lot. I do not try to argue with my colleagues on gender issues. Instead, I and they joke on it. When asked about it, I always smile before answering or chatting. I do not justify my crossdressing, but I just do it. They understand and accept me based on what I do, not what I say. I also try to help others in matters great or small. For example, I try to attend all funerals associated with my colleagues. They never forget my attendance. Last weekend, I attended a funeral while wearing bold lipstick.

Sometimes, my wfie complains about my crossdressing. I know it is a signal that she is tired of taking care of my kids. Then, usually I go out with my little daughter, relieving her for several hours. Or, acceding to her complaint at least for a while.

Take care, and keep posting,

Barbie~~