Oh, my. Yes, you certainly need to talk about it less. People around you will be uncomfortable if you only talk about one thing. When I would only talk about
The Blues Brothers, people started to really get irritated with me. I had to learn to care about other things, like... Animal House. Lol. I grew out of the phase and I think as soon as you feel more at ease with being male it will be less exciting for you. If it's too exciting, you've got to ask yourself the hardest question;
"does this turn me on?" and you've got to be honest. If it turns you on, it might not be GID.
For a while, I was afraid that this was all just a fetish. I had a lot of issues with being too vaginally moist. I asked my step mom about it and she asked me if I was thinking about sex a lot. If you're aroused or even just thinking about being aroused, your body is going to produce more lubrication. I was worried that I might have been somehow turned on by packing. Well, I've experimented and took the pack out, and the lubrication isn't any less. Some people are just wet.
I think you need a hobby to do between transgender work. Watch a series like House or something on DVD. Or maybe join a sewing club (sorry, bad example for a guy). You've got to do something because obsessing could make things harder later (I know from experience, actually). Obsessing made me quite overwhelmed.
My best friend Laura knows I obsess a lot. I obsessed over Naruto, over Pokemon, over Inuyasha, over The Blues Brothers... If I wasn't obsessed with one thing, I was obsessed with something else.
It IS possible that you're obsessing and blowing your guyhood out of proportion. HOWEVER, being obsessive does not make a person transgendered. Don't you worry; the fact that you're asking these questions really shows that you are transgendered. A person who was just obsessing wouldn't stop and take a look and really worry if their feelings are valid. You're okay, man.
I know what it's like to be obsessed. I read
Belushi (John Belushi's biography) in 2 days, and it only took 2 days because I really enjoyed the pictures in the book and started scanning them into my computer.
When I see people on T, I'm not really jealous that they have T, but that they got it sooner than me. I'm just like, "Damn it, why was it so easy for them?" Now I know why. I have other mental illnesses. I'm a mentally ill transguy, where most of you guys are just transguys or transgirls, without other mental illnesses. So that is why my transition is taking longer. When I realized that, my jealousy went away.
If in two months or so you decide you're not a guy, then whatever. It doesn't matter. You are you, and changing your mind is never something to be ashamed of. I met an androgyne who was certain ze was a woman. Ze went through HRT and was planning surgery. Eventually ze realized that ze wasn't a girl at all, but was just a person. Ze was androgynous, and admitted that to themselves. And there was no shame in that. Ze grew and blossomed into the beautiful person they are. That's what transition is about.
Now, I do have one problem I'd like to acknowledge. If you HAVE to wear boy's clothes to be yourself, there's a problem. You should be able to be yourself in a ball gown. You need to develope that integrity, be a man no matter what you look like or what the others say. You know? This doesn't mean you aren't trans or something, it just means you need to stand up for you identity more.
As for your questions, they are good questions. If you weren't a guy, you wouldn't want a beard or feel that you should be physically male. That answers your own questions. The only thing that a girl wants that is questionable is sometimes girls have penis envy and wish to be girls with penises (they don't want to be guys). That's not being transgendered, that's having a bit of a fetish, or thinking that not getting pregnant would make their lives easier. That's wanting to be a guy for the "societal advantages," which is not being transgendered. Since we all know you're not like that, there isn't a question in any of our minds... you're a guy.
We all go through this struggle; the guys and the girls, in figuring out if this is really who we are. So what you're going through is perfectly typical.
You are in a path of self discovery. You're not going to know everything overnight... so you'll feel this way for a few months, probably. You're in the beginning stages, so you'll question yourself a lot. That doesn't make you less of a man. Being transgendered is confusing... we all ask if our bodies mean more than our brains do, etc.
Real men do cry, and real men do wear pink.
