Sorry, this is long, but I'm really confused. In my first post in the androgyne forum back in March, I said I had no desire to tell anyone or do anything about being androgyne/transgender/whatever, and that I had no intention whatsoever of transitioning. I don't know what it is, but in the last couple of weeks I've felt
really unhappy being a woman, and almost every day find myself trying to imagine what life would be like if I did have SRS/HRT. I also said a while back that I still occasionally had particularly feminine moments, but I haven't felt like a woman for ages. Devoid of gender, yes, male, yes, but female... I just feel like that word and all associated terms don't apply to me
at all anymore, and feel even worse because I know that they *should*, given that physically I could not be more feminine. I think I could pass as a man if it were only my head, like in
Futurama, but the rest of my body is horribly curvy. And I can't hide it. I found a minimiser bra, but it only reduces by one size. I'm trying binding at the moment with stuff at home, but there's still no great difference. I want to be
flat, not slightly-less-curvy-than-usual. And the whole time I'm constantly bugged by this feeling of being wrong, mentally because my mind doesn't match my body, and physically because my body doesn't come close to matching my mind, and terrified of doing anything, and depressed beyond words at the thought of doing nothing.
And I feel like I'm lying to my parents. I'm graduating soon, and my parents keep saying "Ooh, our little girl, all grown up!", but I'm not their little girl,
or their young woman. I can't say that I'm their little boy, 'cause that's always been my brother, but whenever they call me their little girl I feel like saying "no, that's not quite right."
I've been the happiest I've been for ages these last few weeks, I think because I've accepted who/what I am and have stopped trying to pretend to be a woman I'm not, and I feel bright and happy and alive, *until* I'm forced to face the fact that I'm not male, at which point the contentedness is replaced by a "soul-felt yearning" (cliché as it is). I see random guys walking, sitting, doing whatever, and all I can feel is envy, and the desire to not be a woman, for my physical self to actually match what I feel. And I don't know what to do. It's like the moment I realised "yes, I'm transgender", everything started to either erupt or snowball faster and faster, and the feelings of incongruity between my mind and body are getting stronger and stronger. I keep tossing up the idea of going to see the doctor, and seeing if he'll refer me to a gender therapist, but I don't know... If I am referred, I'm scared at what might happen, but at the same time I can't stand the thought of being a woman for the rest of my life. And I don't know if what I'm feeling is real, and that if something is done I'll be happy thereafter, or if I'm living in a dream that I'll wake up from in twenty years' time and be a perfect Stepford Wife.
Sorry...it's just really confusing. I've stopped thinking of myself as a woman, but the rest of the world hasn't, and I don't know what to do, or how real it is, or anything, really. I always wear my hair up, I wear men's T-shirts, I act as I feel comfortable acting, and not as the woman I look like, but to change the world's opinion of who I am it looks like I'm going to have to go further. Which, as I said, I'm scared sh#%less of doing, and terrified of not doing.
So yes...sorry for the rather arduous rant.
If anyone has any advice/helpful anecdotes/effective wake-up calls, they'd be greatly appreciated.
Lutin
