Very, Very, Very Unhappy

[Elwood]

I spend my life accounting
With figures and such
To what is my life amounting
It figures, not much
I have a secret desire
Hiding deep in my soul
It sets my heart afire
To see me in this role

I've been struggling. A lot. My current counselor is just too busy telling me how ready I'm not for living full-time. My parents feel the same way. I just don't understand how other people can decide when I am ready for something this personal. Were they ready to be themselves, or were they just themselves? Am I crazy for not thinking of this as a major change? Rather than becoming something I'm not, I see transition as embracing who I am and have been most if not all of my life. And yet I have to sit and wait until other people think I am ready. Not just that, but I seem to have obsessive compulsive disorder (or a form of), so dysphoric thoughts seem to be darting about my head on an almost constant basis. Being anxious by nature, obsessive compulsive, and transgendered, I am drained, often a wreck, and depressed on a regular basis.

I don't know what I want to get from telling you all this... I guess I just wanted someone to listen. Heck, my parents think it isn't the right time for me to use my preferred name yet. They say I'm not ready because I'm not 100% sure. Ah, but I am sure. I am sure about my gender identity and I am sure about who I am. What I am not sure about is when to start transition. I want to start it strategically, at the best time, so that I can perhaps avoid major catastrophe. To start now would be absurd as I am visiting my mother in 2 weeks. It would raise utter hell. Not to mention I have some requirements to fit... the point is, to "prove" I am ready to everyone else, as I feel ready in myself, I thought living full-time would be sufficient. If I'm not ready for full-time or even part-time, what am I ready for?

It's been hell working with my current counselor. I thought I'd ask her about a referral to a therapist. But no, she says that I'm not ready for a therapist. A patient not ready for a therapist? That's like saying a cancer patient isn't ready for chemotherapy! I am absolutely outraged. So I am going to set up an appointment with a therapist without her. I am sick of all this shilly-shallying. It's absolute nonsense. Because I feel like everyone is working against me, I've got to take hold of this and make it happen on my own. The therapist a local FtM told me about is first on my list. I am worried, however, that he may be high demand and fully booked. I need someone who can see me at least twice a month, though I'd prefer once a week. All of this sitting around and doing nothing is driving me up the wall.

All those things they tell you not to do; drugs, self harm, drinking, avoidance, negative self-chatter... I am afraid I might seek more negative coping methods because the good ones aren't helping anymore. I feel unheard. I feel unheard by almost everybody except other LGBTQQI folk. I only hear from them online and on Thursdays when I go to group meetings.

I feel like I'm trudging through deep mud. My legs are getting tired and I keep loosing my boots. My socks are soaked and my feet are cold. Metaphors aside, I'm tired, upset, frustrated, and on loose end. There's a lot of straws on this camel's back and I just don't know how many more I can take.

I don't ask for advice, especially since I'm not being very clear... I just hope I can soon be less overwhelmed and more patient...

I feel like every other transguy is loaded with T. That he's getting T and I'm not. That for some reason, he is more of a man than me. How was he more of a man than me? Well, he was more able to prove it to his doctors, his family, his friends, and get the damn T! I'm under the impression that I have to stand up, beat my chest, roar, climb up the Empire State Building, take out a few airplanes and proclaim my manhood before they'll let me start even just living full-time.

Yeah. And I feel even worse now. I'm doing a lot of whining for a guy. A guy would never worry this much, would he? Although, I am OCD and high in anxiety... that would explain some of my worrying, but still. Aren't I supposed to man up? To have the balls not to care, to let the water roll right over my back like a duck in water? Well, it sure would help a lot if I had balls to account for. I just check inventory and I noticed I have two too many breasts, two too little testicles, the lack of a phallus and far too many things to complain about. What's the boss gonna think of this?

Boss: You're a Hell of wreck, Danny. A Hell of a wreck.
Daniel: Oh, I know boss, but I'll figure it out, I promise.
Boss: Not while I'm here to say anything about it.

I feel like I only have people who are against me to answer to. This is driving me up the wall and back.

Anyone else feel that pain? This pain hits me in the gut so hard it knocks the wind out of me. I get sucked into a cataleptic trance and end up staring at the leaves of a tree. I'll end up counting them all before I realize how much of my time I've wasted-- time I could have been using to improve myself and my life, if it wasn't for so many people waging battle against me.

I feel trapped. Anyone sick of hearing about how I feel?

[noxdraconis]

Venting is good--better than the other coping mechanisms you discussed (words from an ex-masochist/avoider/mental-self-berater).  I just have one question:  what aspect of full time are you not currently doing on your own yet? (ie. are you dressing as male? acting as male?) 

[glendagladwitch]

Good questions.  Plus I wonder why you need a referral to see a therapist?  Seems to me that you can just go.  Didn't you say your Dad is gung ho for you?

[Elwood]

What aspect of full time are you not currently doing on your own yet? (ie. are you dressing as male? acting as male?)

I dress male, present as male, etc. but I don't use a male name or yet request male pronouns. Apparently, that's a really big deal, and I'm not "full-time" without doing those two things...

Good questions.  Plus I wonder why you need a referral to see a therapist?  Seems to me that you can just go.  Didn't you say your Dad is gung ho for you?

I'll be trying to get with a new one on Monday. My dad is supportive of appropriate treatment, but I have to wait until the offices are open to call in and try to get a therapist.

[hizmom]

If I'm not ready for full-time or even part-time, what am I ready for?

i think your questions are incredibly valid...
and i further question: how will you know if you
are ready/not ready unless and until you find out
by going ahead and doing it?

i am so sorry that you face obstacles
that wear you out....
be sure of your nutrition, esp vitamin Bs

[Elwood]

Exactly! My point exactly. I won't know if I don't give it a try. I don't even have to do hormones to know. I need to put my pants on one leg at a time like everyone else.

Thanks for the tip. I am actually a person who needs to watch my vitamins, particularly the Bs, because I have high stress.

[noxdraconis]

I dress male, present as male, etc. but I don't use a male name or yet request male pronouns. Apparently, that's a really big deal, and I'm not "full-time" without doing those two things...

If I even suggest that my father use a male name and male pronouns in reference to myself, I would have to make an appointment with my dentist to have my teeth reinserted into my mouth, but I do not put up with that kind of bs when he is out of the house.  My sister calls me by a male name and uses male pronouns and when I am out of the house, I intorduce myself with a male name as a man.  Out on the street or at college, I am just a man.  If you wish, try it on (the name and pronouns) with friends and when you are out and about.  Although, since your father seems pretty decent, why do you tell him that trying it out is the best way to see if you are really sure about it all.  That is the point of full time--to see if you are sure before you do something that can have irreversible consequences such as T or surgery.  Changing your legal name back to female is easy to do if you decide that transitioning is not for you.  It is like trying on a pair of pants in the fitting room.  If it does not fit, you put it back on the rack.

[Elwood]

I might start that fall semester. I'm just worried because if we get a call at my house and someone asks, "Is Daniel home?" my parents will find out. I kind of have to do it all behind their back, lol.

I won't be legally changing my name any time soon... Unless my counselor is miraculous and can determine what's right for me in a couple weeks.

You're right. I'll be asserting it to my dad eventually. But at the right time. Now seems a bit hasty. I need to be in the right environment to really get started... I'll be doing my first thing with "the guys" in early August. A camping trip. Just us guys. That will be my first day (or two) where everyone sees me as a man. I am both excited and nervous.

[Elwood]

Hahah! Thanks.

It'll be fun. Maybe I'll wrestle a few bears.  Lol.

....OHHHH

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I work all day

Man, am I annoying as all hell.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavat'ry
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea

I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I love to press wild flow'rs
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars...

Okay, I think I got pretty confused there. (I love Monty Python)

[Nero]

Well, this guy's definitely a whiner, too then. maybe not the most manly trait in the world but meh. pretty normal. most cisgendered guys would probably be freaked out too if pumped full of estrogen and the world thought they were a girl.

All those things they tell you not to do; drugs, self harm, drinking, avoidance, negative self-chatter... I am afraid I might seek more negative coping methods because the good ones aren't helping anymore.

whatever you do, don't fall into that trap, bro. unless you want to end up transitioning at 30 or even 40+ with a record and health problems to boot and that's IF you survive that long.

i know things suck right now. but you'll really set yourself back if you start using. none of this will matter to you for years. you'll be too consumed with the life. a life few ever escape.
you've got an opportunity to build your life as a man on fresh soil.

[trapthavok]

Nice poem. Seriously.

Uh whew. So. Gonna need you to take a few deep breaths. I would hate for you to resort to drugs and all those things just because everyone thinks you're too young to fully understand the magnitude of your decisions. (Been there, done that, except for the drugs bit). I'd hate to hear that you started harming yourself to cope.

I'm glad to hear you spoke to your counselor about it, and that she really just wants your 60 dollar copay to keep paying her bills, so go ahead and forget her. First thing in the morning, call up all the offices you have numbers for and find a good therapist. If you can pay the once a week fee, great, go see them once a week, but I know it's costly. My therapist is 150 per session and my insurance pays 90, so they take the brunt of it, but I still have to see her twice a week cause I can't afford ($60 copay x 4 sessions a month...) 240 a month.

I think everyone that's telling you "no" is just trying to look out for you. Honestly, I sort of went through something like this before. I went and converted to Islam then told my parents after the fact that I was thinking about converting, but from the way I acted and obsessed with the religion, they could sort of tell I had already done more than think about it and it kind of got ugly from there. Once they brought me out of it, I could see how ridiculous I had been all along [thank goodness, cause now I'm atheist]. So all the concerns they had voiced and I had ignored suddenly made sense.

But your situation is different. You're already dressing like a male and pretty much presenting yourself as male. As far as I understand, the only thing you're not doing is waltzing into male restrooms and calling yourself "Daniel." I think what your parents are worried about is that you're going to go out and get a chest op and shoot up on T (lol) tomorrow, just like I converted to Islam without blinking. I think what you have to do is convince them that you're just testing the waters via RLE, which does not require having surgery or meds, just "trying on a different role" if that makes it easier for them to understand though you know differently since it will be you being yourself. Try to explain it to them in layman's terms, and  you know what? Go ahead and do it anyway. It's not like you're going to get your boobs lopped off tomorrow and you're not getting a legal name change. So all this is doing for you is basically trying on the sneakers before you buy them. I think your parents just don't understand what you're trying to do.

Go ahead and do it anyway, maybe set a date like I did (after you go visit your mom?) and start asking your friends to call you Daniel, go by Daniel when you get to school. Uh, if you're going to college then I don't think you have to worry about them calling home and referring to you as Daniel. (Are you going to college?) I don't go by my legal name when people call on me at school, I go by my middle name, but my transcripts and IDs come home with my legal name on them so your parents won't know you go by Daniel unless you get your name legally changed.

Do what makes you happy dude, and try to explain as best you can to the people who care about you. Maybe if they're hardheaded or jump to conclusions if you try to sit them down and talk to them (like my parents do) try other methods of communication. Write a letter! No one can interrupt you midway through your point.  Send an email, show them pictures, just do what you gotta do to get by.

And no, I don't think you're whining

[trannyboy]

Elwood- I read some of your post but before I got to the end I forgot what I read. So I apologize but I am being forced to wake up at about 5-6AM each morning for the last week and I don't remember anything anymore. Since it is about 3:30 here and I can't sleep I will try to respond point by point but if I lose my train of thought or rant a little sorry.

I hear you are very upset right now. Breath, trust me breath. It helps, things are overwhelming you right now. I am not giving advice in this post. I too tired to do it anyways. I just want you to know you are going to get through this. I don't know what your future looks like but if you keep breathing you can find out for yourself. I have never heard of not being ready for therapy. That is just nuts, find yourself a real therapist, not any old fool that wants to put up a shingle and call them self a counsellor. Be very careful with those who call themselves counsellor as in most place that is an unregulated term. 

You have many options before self harm but if you still feel that way check out my other post to you. Do it safely man. I hear you need more copping methods and tomorrow I am sure I will think of lots but in the mean times go have a nice warm bath with some lavender.

You need to figure out your transition but in short if you aren't sure you want to do it at all, don't do it. If you aren't sure when you should listen to your own advice which has largely been good.

Your identity is not in your body but then neither is a bio girl or boy. It is all in your head, I don't care if you dance around in a pink tutu with a wand spreading fairy dust if you say I am a man, I believe you and the vast majority of the world will believe you because people don't want to argue with other people about what sex they are. As for your body dysphoria that will ease as you make changes in your life.

In parting, breathe in and out, breathe in and out (both are important), repeat. Continue doing so and I promise things will change.

->-bleeped-<-boy

[Elwood]

I think everyone that's telling you "no" is just trying to look out for you. Honestly, I sort of went through something like this before. I went and converted to Islam then told my parents after the fact that I was thinking about converting, but from the way I acted and obsessed with the religion, they could sort of tell I had already done more than think about it and it kind of got ugly from there. Once they brought me out of it, I could see how ridiculous I had been all along [thank goodness, cause now I'm atheist]. So all the concerns they had voiced and I had ignored suddenly made sense.

Yeah. I understand how a person can be captivated by something 100% and later realize that it wasn't right for them. But man, this is different. You know what it's like. Sure, I'm better my whole life on this, but the worst that could happen if I made a mistake is that I'd be a girl who transitioned (oops). I personally don't take it as seriously as everyone else does. Everyone else seems to think it will ruin my entire life. The thing is, I want a male body. Nothing is going to change that. I've always wanted a male body, and that's one thing I can vouch on. I always wanted to be a boy physically since I can remember, even before I had a clear cut gender identity.

But your situation is different. You're already dressing like a male and pretty much presenting yourself as male. As far as I understand, the only thing you're not doing is waltzing into male restrooms and calling yourself "Daniel."

Exactly. Except I have started waltzing into male restrooms. They really aren't so different than the girl's room. But the first urinal I saw was quite the experience, since I hadn't even realized I was in the men's room (I assumed it was a unisex bathroom, then realized that unisex bathrooms don't have urinals anyway, not usually). So really all I'm not doing is, "My name is Daniel, you will call me a HE."

I think what your parents are worried about is that you're going to go out and get a chest op and shoot up on T (lol) tomorrow, just like I converted to Islam without blinking. I think what you have to do is convince them that you're just testing the waters via RLE, which does not require having surgery or meds, just "trying on a different role" if that makes it easier for them to understand though you know differently since it will be you being yourself. Try to explain it to them in layman's terms, and  you know what? Go ahead and do it anyway. It's not like you're going to get your boobs lopped off tomorrow and you're not getting a legal name change. So all this is doing for you is basically trying on the sneakers before you buy them. I think your parents just don't understand what you're trying to do.

Yeah. Although right now... if I could start T, I would. Today. Because it's been a long wait. Stating T will be my resolution. I'll be able to start living a normal life. I'll be able to worry less about my body, "proving" I'm male to people. They'll just see it.

But you're right. I'm probably going to RLE anyway regardless of what they say. Since I only have 4 days of summer school left, I'll start in the fall semester.

Yesterday I thought about this more and more. Heck, I got out of the shower, took my towel off, and took a good look at my body. "Is this what I want?" I asked myself. I realized how much it bothered me, my breasts, curves, lack of penis... ->-bleeped-<-, I have a slamming ass-- for a girl. I actually feel like I putting a really nice female body to waste, but it isn't the body for me.

Go ahead and do it anyway, maybe set a date like I did (after you go visit your mom?) and start asking your friends to call you Daniel, go by Daniel when you get to school. Uh, if you're going to college then I don't think you have to worry about them calling home and referring to you as Daniel. (Are you going to college?) I don't go by my legal name when people call on me at school, I go by my middle name, but my transcripts and IDs come home with my legal name on them so your parents won't know you go by Daniel unless you get your name legally changed.

Yep, I'm going to college. Fall will be my second semester. Maybe Daniel can be my "nickname" and they'll refer to my legal name when they discuss things with me...

Write a letter! No one can interrupt you midway through your point.  Send an email, show them pictures, just do what you gotta do to get by.

Yeah! I've started working on a "coming out letter" even though I already came out. I'm going to come out again, and make it clear this time.

And no, I don't think you're whining

That's good!

Posted on: July 21, 2008, 08:12:24 AM

I hear you are very upset right now. Breath, trust me breath. It helps, things are overwhelming you right now. I am not giving advice in this post.

Yes you are, you tired ninny. You told me to breath.  Okay, I'm done teasing. Heheh.

I just want you to know you are going to get through this. I don't know what your future looks like but if you keep breathing you can find out for yourself. I have never heard of not being ready for therapy. That is just nuts, find yourself a real therapist, not any old fool that wants to put up a shingle and call them self a counsellor. Be very careful with those who call themselves counsellor as in most place that is an unregulated term.

Yeah, but this is Kaiser, and other therapists are asking me, "Why do you want to leave Maria? She's good." They don't literally ask me that, but my dad called someone and they said they trusted me working with Maria and wouldn't take me.

You have many options before self harm but if you still feel that way check out my other post to you. Do it safely man. I hear you need more copping methods and tomorrow I am sure I will think of lots but in the mean times go have a nice warm bath with some lavender.

Meh. Instead I had a hot shower and sung show tunes. I bet I'm driving my parents nuts.

Your identity is not in your body but then neither is a bio girl or boy. It is all in your head, I don't care if you dance around in a pink tutu with a wand spreading fairy dust if you say I am a man, I believe you and the vast majority of the world will believe you because people don't want to argue with other people about what sex they are. As for your body dysphoria that will ease as you make changes in your life.

I keep doubting this. Because I'm so insecure, you know? Do other transsexuals ever doubt this? "Gender is in the mind, and if you say you're a boy, you are one." I just somehow keep looking for the "catch." What's the "catch," I keep asking myself. It's got to be harder than just saying I'm a boy. But maybe it isn't.

[Sandy]

I keep doubting this. Because I'm so insecure, you know? Do other transsexuals ever doubt this? "Gender is in the mind, and if you say you're a boy, you are one." I just somehow keep looking for the "catch." What's the "catch," I keep asking myself. It's got to be harder than just saying I'm a boy. But maybe it isn't.

Elwood:

If you haven't heard by now, there is no definitive test for transsexuality.  Yes, it is just that simple.  You are because you say you are.  There is no catch.  And yes, just about everyone has gone through their periods of doubt.

And actually that is the point of therapy.  Not so much to diagnose whether or not your are trans, but how you can or would deal with your life through transition and into post transition.

As one of my therapists put it:
Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water...
After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water

It's sort of "Alright, you are male.  Now what?  How will you get through transition and what will you do after that?"

And also I agree with everyone else, if your counselor is saying you aren't ready for therapy, you need to fire that one and go find yourself a proper gender therapist.

Unfortunately, the angst, anger and frustration you are feeling is normal.  As you move through transition these feelings should diminish drastically.

-Sandy

[glendagladwitch]

Yeah, but this is Kaiser, and other therapists are asking me, "Why do you want to leave Maria? She's good." They don't literally ask me that, but my dad called someone and they said they trusted me working with Maria and wouldn't take me.

OMG!  You're 18!  Get a list and start making calls yourself already!

http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html

[trapthavok]

Yeah. I understand how a person can be captivated by something 100% and later realize that it wasn't right for them. But man, this is different. You know what it's like. Sure, I'm better my whole life on this, but the worst that could happen if I made a mistake is that I'd be a girl who transitioned (oops). I personally don't take it as seriously as everyone else does. Everyone else seems to think it will ruin my entire life. The thing is, I want a male body. Nothing is going to change that. I've always wanted a male body, and that's one thing I can vouch on. I always wanted to be a boy physically since I can remember, even before I had a clear cut gender identity.

....Yeah, I do actually. After my coming out question in the coming out section, and the response Polar Bear gave me, I know exactly how you feel. I was 100% excited about all of this, and I felt so sure this was me  and I'd finally found myself....And then read PB's response and got really down and suddenly knew how you've been feeling. It's like being told you can have the answer to the meaning of life, but not yet. And yeah, I guess I'm not taking this as seriously as I probably should just like you are, but I feel the same way and I agree. I've always been jealous of guys for some reason I couldn't explain, and I haven't necessarily hated my body, but I've hated parts of it and the things I'm required to do because I look like a girl. So I know where you're coming from but I'm trying to give you advice from an unbiased perspective, though after I finish this post I'm going to go play video games. This has become all I think about night and day and I'm just so down now I need something to help me not think for a while.

Exactly. Except I have started waltzing into male restrooms. They really aren't so different than the girl's room. But the first urinal I saw was quite the experience, since I hadn't even realized I was in the men's room (I assumed it was a unisex bathroom, then realized that unisex bathrooms don't have urinals anyway, not usually). So really all I'm not doing is, "My name is Daniel, you will call me a HE."

Yeah I got that from your men's room thread, but I thought it was a one-time thing. My bad yo. Haha the last time I remember being in a mens room was when I went to Home Depot as a kid with my dad and he had no choice but to take us in with him rather than make us go to the womens room alone. It was too long ago to remember what I thought of it though. 

Yeah. Although right now... if I could start T, I would. Today. Because it's been a long wait. Stating T will be my resolution. I'll be able to start living a normal life. I'll be able to worry less about my body, "proving" I'm male to people. They'll just see it.

But you're right. I'm probably going to RLE anyway regardless of what they say. Since I only have 4 days of summer school left, I'll start in the fall semester.

Yesterday I thought about this more and more. Heck, I got out of the shower, took my towel off, and took a good look at my body. "Is this what I want?" I asked myself. I realized how much it bothered me, my breasts, curves, lack of penis... ->-bleeped-<-, I have a slamming ass-- for a girl. I actually feel like I putting a really nice female body to waste, but it isn't the body for me.

I know, but your parents don't have to know that. Plus you don't have the funds for T right now anyway (I assume) nor the letter from your therapist so that point is moot. But I understand if we could all get what we wanted you'd be on T right this second and so would I.

The more and more I think about it, the less I like my body too. Although for me, the obsession all my life has been more about wanting the upper half of a guy's body than the lower half. But now, if I could have a penis I'd probably want it. Most especially for sex. The more I think about "am I lesbian or trans" the more I realize I think it would be wrong for someone to touch me the way lesbians touch each other and that it would probably be painful as well as highly uncomfortable for me. I'd love to be with a woman, but as a guy, not a girl... And yeah I feel that I'm probably a pretty girl (I've been told that all my life and never believed it, and now I understand why) but I'm already abusing my body because I dislike it so much, so that kind of brings my "beauty" down a few pegs. I never do my hair properly so it always looks like a birds nest, and I never liked it, so it shows. Whenever we got relaxers at the hair salon or at my friends house, I'd always be made fun of for my wanton disregard of my lovely hair, because apparently my hair grows quickly for a black chick and its very healthy, but my not taking care of it puts it in jeopardy. The first thing my little sister does every morning when she wakes up is comb her hair, and it looks beautiful and I always wondered why mine never looked that way and why I didn't have the dedication to do the same...then I'd smack myself across the forehead and go "oh yeah, because I hate my hair." I also never understood a lot of things about fashion and hygiene (shaving and dressing myself) to the point where other people told me it was sad (pathetic) that my LITTLE sister had to tell me how to be a girl. I tried shaving (the feminine way), but it didn't feel right and I don't do it anymore. I don't honestly care, I never had a lot of hair on my legs to begin with, just under my arms and I loved the hair under my arms. People have always marveled at my wearing baggy clothes, saying "MAN if I had a body like yours, I'd be showing it off, not hiding it!" but I don't like showing it off, and I like the clothes I wear. Or used to wear.

So I agree that if I went male, my body would be a perfectly good waste of a female body just as you do but you know what? I don't like my body enough to really care. I think my happiness is more important, and so is yours, and if a male body is one of the things that would make you happier then that's what you have to strive for. I know I will. I tried standing up to pee today for the first time and it was awesome, and I can't wait til I have to use the bathroom again. For some reason it just felt right. It's a small thing, sure, but it's major to me so I know you have to feel the same way about some of the aspects of being a guy too. The smallest things get you excited like that. So I know how your parents taking away this excitement from you makes you feel and I just think like I said, you need to show them how you feel. I'm glad you're writing a letter to better express yourself, that, I think should help. I'm buying my parents trans books, so when I sit down to tell them about me, they can have something to read afterward to help them understand me better and I'll be able to answer their questions better since they'll be on the same page as me as far as knowledge about trans and GID. I'm going to read the books myself before I tell them, so if you want I'll let you know how they are and if its a good idea to add it to your letter.

Go ahead and do it anyway, maybe set a date like I did (after you go visit your mom?) and start asking your friends to call you Daniel, go by Daniel when you get to school. Uh, if you're going to college then I don't think you have to worry about them calling home and referring to you as Daniel. (Are you going to college?) I don't go by my legal name when people call on me at school, I go by my middle name, but my transcripts and IDs come home with my legal name on them so your parents won't know you go by Daniel unless you get your name legally changed.

Yep, I'm going to college. Fall will be my second semester. Maybe Daniel can be my "nickname" and they'll refer to my legal name when they discuss things with me...

Yeah  you can use Daniel as your "nickname" in the classroom and with your friends. If you're staying on campus, maybe use it with the people on your floor at your dorm too. Anything my professors ever spoke to me about regarding my school work was always emailed directly to me, they never contact my parents, so my emails would always be directed as "(Middle name), I think this is a good subject for an essay, etc etc" and I'd sign my essays and work with my middle name. All you have to do is tell them the first day of class that you like to go by your "nickname" and they'll refer to you as that, email you as that, and recognize your hw as that. There's rarely ever any reason to get your parents involved in college cause its not like they send home progress reports. Even your transcripts (which will be mailed home under your legal name) have the option of not being sent home. As far as people at university's are concerned, you're an adult and you're in charge, not your parents. So no worries mate, go by Daniel if you'd like.

Yeah! I've started working on a "coming out letter" even though I already came out. I'm going to come out again, and make it clear this time.

Awesome. Sometimes letters are helpful for collecting your thoughts, and then you can decide whether or not you want to show the recipient the letter or just tell them straight out since you have your thoughts collected. Whatever you decide I'm sure it'll be right for you. Again, if you think you might want them to understand being trans more by reading up on it, and you think they WILL read, then I'll let you know how the books I ordered are. They should be in on wednesday, and who knows, maybe it'll help them understand a little bit better how you feel. I think it's hard for someone who knows nothing about Buddhism to relate to a Buddhist,  know what I'm saying?

Good luck man, keep us posted.

I keep doubting this. Because I'm so insecure, you know? Do other transsexuals ever doubt this? "Gender is in the mind, and if you say you're a boy, you are one." I just somehow keep looking for the "catch." What's the "catch," I keep asking myself. It's got to be harder than just saying I'm a boy. But maybe it isn't.

Elwood:

If you haven't heard by now, there is no definitive test for transsexuality.  Yes, it is just that simple.  You are because you say you are.  There is no catch.  And yes, just about everyone has gone through their periods of doubt.

And actually that is the point of therapy.  Not so much to diagnose whether or not your are trans, but how you can or would deal with your life through transition and into post transition.

As one of my therapists put it:
Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water...
After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water

It's sort of "Alright, you are male.  Now what?  How will you get through transition and what will you do after that?"

And also I agree with everyone else, if your counselor is saying you aren't ready for therapy, you need to fire that one and go find yourself a proper gender therapist.

Unfortunately, the angst, anger and frustration you are feeling is normal.  As you move through transition these feelings should diminish drastically.

-Sandy

Thanks for posting this Sandy. I hope it helps Elwood, cause it certainly helps me. It's a relief to know part of the doubt is normal, especially when you feel so sure of yourself.

[Sephirah]

I keep doubting this. Because I'm so insecure, you know? Do other transsexuals ever doubt this? "Gender is in the mind, and if you say you're a boy, you are one." I just somehow keep looking for the "catch." What's the "catch," I keep asking myself. It's got to be harder than just saying I'm a boy. But maybe it isn't.

I just wanted to say... if you take everything physical out of the equation for a second and just focus on here. You saying you're a guy isn't actually the main thing that convinces me of it. It's... everything; the way you conduct yourself, the things you say and how you say them, your attitude... your 'vibe' (for lack of a better term), mannerisms... everything.

When you interact with people through this medium, they can't hide who they are. Even if they try to, it comes through. And that's how I know, Daniel, that you are inherently male in every way except the way you would most like to be, and will be one day.

It isn't harder than saying "I'm a boy", because it's who you are, no matter the doubts you may have... it's just blindingly obvious to me and everyone else here. And if you're having doubts then just remember that this is coming from someone who doesn't have emotional attachment, is saying this totally objectively with no ulterior motive, and sees you for the person you are. You are male. It's that simple.

*big hug* Hang in there, honey.

[glendagladwitch]

I respectfully disagree.  There are tons of cisgendered women out there who seem as masculine as can be but are not men.  And I've seen lots of FTMs who seemed quite girly at first transistion and pull it off beautifully with no regrets.  Same for MTFs.  And if an MTF seemed very masculine both before and after, it would make her no less a woman to me than those cisgendered women who seem masculine.

The proof, to me, is in the pudding of whether or not someone regrets transition, and I've seen the gamut, including the oppoite case of the most feminine of MTFs regretting transition.  So if someone says they are a man or a woman or neither, that is good enough for me.  And if they say one thing one day and something else the next, good for them.  And if I ever decide one day that I'm a dude, good for me.  I'll be an FTM, and we all know what great people they are.

[noxdraconis]

Go ahead and do it anyway, maybe set a date like I did (after you go visit your mom?) and start asking your friends to call you Daniel, go by Daniel when you get to school. Uh, if you're going to college then I don't think you have to worry about them calling home and referring to you as Daniel. (Are you going to college?) I don't go by my legal name when people call on me at school, I go by my middle name, but my transcripts and IDs come home with my legal name on them so your parents won't know you go by Daniel unless you get your name legally changed.

Yep, I'm going to college. Fall will be my second semester. Maybe Daniel can be my "nickname" and they'll refer to my legal name when they discuss things with me...

Your family will not be contacted by the college, so feel free to go by "Daniel" there if you wish, unless you are planning on getting into trouble for a drug, alcohol, or violence related problem  >.  See, there is this wonderful thing called FERPA and it stands for Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act.  Unless you sign a waiver form, the college cannot discuss anything about your academic records, grades, financial aid, and judicial record, exception being a drug, alcohol, or violence related problem.  As for medical and psych services, there are already confidentiality laws regarding that.

[Elwood]

Sorry for the monster post. I wanted to try to get to everybody.

I keep doubting this. Because I'm so insecure, you know? Do other transsexuals ever doubt this? "Gender is in the mind, and if you say you're a boy, you are one." I just somehow keep looking for the "catch." What's the "catch," I keep asking myself. It's got to be harder than just saying I'm a boy. But maybe it isn't.

Elwood:

If you haven't heard by now, there is no definitive test for transsexuality.  Yes, it is just that simple.  You are because you say you are.  There is no catch.  And yes, just about everyone has gone through their periods of doubt.

And actually that is the point of therapy.  Not so much to diagnose whether or not your are trans, but how you can or would deal with your life through transition and into post transition.

As one of my therapists put it:
Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water...
After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water

It's sort of "Alright, you are male.  Now what?  How will you get through transition and what will you do after that?"

And also I agree with everyone else, if your counselor is saying you aren't ready for therapy, you need to fire that one and go find yourself a proper gender therapist.

Unfortunately, the angst, anger and frustration you are feeling is normal.  As you move through transition these feelings should diminish drastically.

-Sandy

I totally know what I will do after/during transition.

JUST KEEP SWIMMING

Not really, but yes, that captures the gist of it all. I'll continue school and my acting/music hobby. I'm hoping maybe it can be a career or at least a side job to entertain. I don't have testosterone in my body yet but I push the limits and still try to make it in the industry as an ACTOR, not an actress.

I'm glad to know that just about everything I am experiencing is typical. That fact puts me at ease.

Posted on: July 21, 2008, 05:48:14 PM

Yeah, but this is Kaiser, and other therapists are asking me, "Why do you want to leave Maria? She's good." They don't literally ask me that, but my dad called someone and they said they trusted me working with Maria and wouldn't take me.

OMG!  You're 18!  Get a list and start making calls yourself already!

http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html

I did. I'm waiting for him to call me back. He called me while I was at school, so I couldn't take his call! I didn't recognize it was his number. I called my dad when I was able to and asked him if the therapist called home, too. He did, and left a message. So then I called him back and left a message, told him when he can call me. I'm waiting for that call...

Posted on: July 21, 2008, 05:49:51 PM

Yeah. I understand how a person can be captivated by something 100% and later realize that it wasn't right for them. But man, this is different. You know what it's like. Sure, I'm better my whole life on this, but the worst that could happen if I made a mistake is that I'd be a girl who transitioned (oops). I personally don't take it as seriously as everyone else does. Everyone else seems to think it will ruin my entire life. The thing is, I want a male body. Nothing is going to change that. I've always wanted a male body, and that's one thing I can vouch on. I always wanted to be a boy physically since I can remember, even before I had a clear cut gender identity.

....Yeah, I do actually. After my coming out question in the coming out section, and the response Polar Bear gave me, I know exactly how you feel. I was 100% excited about all of this, and I felt so sure this was me  and I'd finally found myself....And then read PB's response and got really down and suddenly knew how you've been feeling. It's like being told you can have the answer to the meaning of life, but not yet. And yeah, I guess I'm not taking this as seriously as I probably should just like you are, but I feel the same way and I agree. I've always been jealous of guys for some reason I couldn't explain, and I haven't necessarily hated my body, but I've hated parts of it and the things I'm required to do because I look like a girl. So I know where you're coming from but I'm trying to give you advice from an unbiased perspective, though after I finish this post I'm going to go play video games. This has become all I think about night and day and I'm just so down now I need something to help me not think for a while.

Yeah. I know how I feel, what I need, I'm ready to go. But I hesitate because my family isn't ready. I hesitate because of the consequences. But right now, at this very moment, I don't even care about the consequences. Their whining. Their drama. I don't care about how much they're going to bitch and moan about it... because this is about me choosing the right path. A lot of my family members are being terribly selfish by holding me back. Others hold me back because they think my priorities aren't straight. I don't think they understand-- I can't be the "model student" or the "model adult" until I am at least a person with a simple foundation to build upon. Right now I'm a box of junk waiting to be assembled.

I am very envious of guys. Mostly because of their bodies. I don't hate my body, but rather, it makes me feel very upset that I don't have the body I feel I'm supposed to have. The fact that I don't have a penis is a big deal, but other things bug me too like height, body composition, my breasts, my facial features, my voice... most of my problems will be solved with T.

Exactly. Except I have started waltzing into male restrooms. They really aren't so different than the girl's room. But the first urinal I saw was quite the experience, since I hadn't even realized I was in the men's room (I assumed it was a unisex bathroom, then realized that unisex bathrooms don't have urinals anyway, not usually). So really all I'm not doing is, "My name is Daniel, you will call me a HE."

Yeah I got that from your men's room thread, but I thought it was a one-time thing. My bad yo. Haha the last time I remember being in a mens room was when I went to Home Depot as a kid with my dad and he had no choice but to take us in with him rather than make us go to the womens room alone. It was too long ago to remember what I thought of it though.

Meh. Just 3 times now. I don't like to use public bathrooms still even though I can use the men's room because I'm afraid I'll be outed or caught. Everyone knows I'm a "she" in my classes. I'll be starting fresh in the fall semester.

Yeah. Although right now... if I could start T, I would. Today. Because it's been a long wait. Stating T will be my resolution. I'll be able to start living a normal life. I'll be able to worry less about my body, "proving" I'm male to people. They'll just see it.

But you're right. I'm probably going to RLE anyway regardless of what they say. Since I only have 4 days of summer school left, I'll start in the fall semester.

Yesterday I thought about this more and more. Heck, I got out of the shower, took my towel off, and took a good look at my body. "Is this what I want?" I asked myself. I realized how much it bothered me, my breasts, curves, lack of penis... ->-bleeped-<-, I have a slamming ass-- for a girl. I actually feel like I putting a really nice female body to waste, but it isn't the body for me.

I know, but your parents don't have to know that. Plus you don't have the funds for T right now anyway (I assume) nor the letter from your therapist so that point is moot. But I understand if we could all get what we wanted you'd be on T right this second and so would I.

Well, yeah. They don't. But my dad is really on my side. I think I'll make a separate post about my current dilemma. But today he proved to me that he really wants to help me.

I don't have the funds for T. I have like... $400 maybe. I don't know how long that would last. And I have no income... I really want to get a job. I have to save up for a car or motorcycle, I have to rack up enough cash for driver's/vehicle insurance, and well, I want to save up for top surgery. I have to start saving soon. I think a bus pass will be cheaper than a car, but I'll have to work by the bus' schedule...

The more and more I think about it, the less I like my body too. Although for me, the obsession all my life has been more about wanting the upper half of a guy's body than the lower half. But now, if I could have a penis I'd probably want it. Most especially for sex. The more I think about "am I lesbian or trans" the more I realize I think it would be wrong for someone to touch me the way lesbians touch each other and that it would probably be painful as well as highly uncomfortable for me. I'd love to be with a woman, but as a guy, not a girl... And yeah I feel that I'm probably a pretty girl (I've been told that all my life and never believed it, and now I understand why) but I'm already abusing my body because I dislike it so much, so that kind of brings my "beauty" down a few pegs. I never do my hair properly so it always looks like a birds nest, and I never liked it, so it shows. Whenever we got relaxers at the hair salon or at my friends house, I'd always be made fun of for my wanton disregard of my lovely hair, because apparently my hair grows quickly for a black chick and its very healthy, but my not taking care of it puts it in jeopardy. The first thing my little sister does every morning when she wakes up is comb her hair, and it looks beautiful and I always wondered why mine never looked that way and why I didn't have the dedication to do the same...then I'd smack myself across the forehead and go "oh yeah, because I hate my hair." I also never understood a lot of things about fashion and hygiene (shaving and dressing myself) to the point where other people told me it was sad (pathetic) that my LITTLE sister had to tell me how to be a girl. I tried shaving (the feminine way), but it didn't feel right and I don't do it anymore. I don't honestly care, I never had a lot of hair on my legs to begin with, just under my arms and I loved the hair under my arms. People have always marveled at my wearing baggy clothes, saying "MAN if I had a body like yours, I'd be showing it off, not hiding it!" but I don't like showing it off, and I like the clothes I wear. Or used to wear.

My concerns are the whole package. My 2nd therapist (the one I don't have anymore) asked me, "If you could have any body you wanted, what would it look like?"

I told her I'd be in the 6 foot range. I'd be lanky in bone structure but maybe a little heavy (I wouldn't be buff or super skinny, but not fat or "meaty"). I'd look very average, meaning my hands, feet, face, body composition, and yes, penis, would all be quite average, plain even. I'd want to blend in very easily with a crowd of 1,000 people. Why? Because then my acting could go in very many different directions. I of course would still want to be Caucasian, a brunette, I'd keep my green eyes (although violet eyes and heterochromia rock... Christopher Walken has heterochromia). Being a pretty average guy, I'd have a flat chest, not moobs.

I'd be a happy "chick with a dick." Meaning if I had to choose a penis or a flat chest, I'd probably choose a penis. But since I don't have the option to have a normal penis, I flip it the other way. Transition will probably consist of T and top surgery. I will die of old age having waited for better penis-technology that was never invented. I have come to terms that I will probably never have a penis. Now, why do I care about it? Well, it isn't just about sex for me, although that is part of it. Most of it is just having the part, it being part of my person. It would again put me at ease in my own skin, and I could say, "things feel right now." I feel like I've had a penectomy, even though I never had a penis to begin with. But it's like it's missing and was once there.

It's really a shame. I have great genetics. I am short, but other than that, I would be a fantastic looking girl. Even though I have small boobs, I have a great frame, great eyes, a nice smile... guys want to <not allowed> this. But the problem is, they want my vagina. I am in constant conflict. I want intimacy but I don't want to be someone's bitch. I don't want to take it that way like a girl, no matter how much I love that person. I thought that maybe if I met some amazing guy, that he could make it happen for me. But he couldn't. I just can't pull myself together to have heterosexual relations as a girl.

I don't know if understanding fashion is feminine, because I do understand fashion. Because I am so conscious about fashion and how I look, I did shave my legs before I came out. Eventually I said, "<not allowed> it. If I want to be a man, I have to start living like one." I stopped. And I was very pleased with the results. "If only my arms looked like that too." I do shave under my arms, for several reasons. The first is the smell. My feminine smell is very potent and obvious. Guys can sniff out girl when I'm not wearing my men's deodorant. I really was made to be a girl (physically), which makes my dysphoria a bit worse in some ways. I wasn't graced with masculinity (except some in my face, voice, and hands). This gives me a pretty low self esteem.

So I agree that if I went male, my body would be a perfectly good waste of a female body just as you do but you know what? I don't like my body enough to really care. I think my happiness is more important, and so is yours, and if a male body is one of the things that would make you happier then that's what you have to strive for. I know I will. I tried standing up to pee today for the first time and it was awesome, and I can't wait til I have to use the bathroom again. For some reason it just felt right. It's a small thing, sure, but it's major to me so I know you have to feel the same way about some of the aspects of being a guy too. The smallest things get you excited like that. So I know how your parents taking away this excitement from you makes you feel and I just think like I said, you need to show them how you feel. I'm glad you're writing a letter to better express yourself, that, I think should help. I'm buying my parents trans books, so when I sit down to tell them about me, they can have something to read afterward to help them understand me better and I'll be able to answer their questions better since they'll be on the same page as me as far as knowledge about trans and GID. I'm going to read the books myself before I tell them, so if you want I'll let you know how they are and if its a good idea to add it to your letter.

You're right. I may have a lucky female body that a lot of girls want, but it isn't what I want and it's making me suffer. That's why I've decided transition is right for me...

Standing to pee doesn't feel "more masculine" to me. It's a psychological thing, really, because females stood to pee before humans were "civilized" enough to realize that squatting is more effective. Standing to pee isn't a huge thing on my mind. My dad sits to pee sometimes because of his leg injury. I know a guy who likes to pee sitting in the stall because he's lazy. I know another guy who just likes to relax when he's using the bathroom, so he sits to pee.

My dad actually bought himself a trans book. He didn't tell me about it, though. I just noticed the receipt.

Go ahead and do it anyway, maybe set a date like I did (after you go visit your mom?) and start asking your friends to call you Daniel, go by Daniel when you get to school. Uh, if you're going to college then I don't think you have to worry about them calling home and referring to you as Daniel. (Are you going to college?) I don't go by my legal name when people call on me at school, I go by my middle name, but my transcripts and IDs come home with my legal name on them so your parents won't know you go by Daniel unless you get your name legally changed.

Yep, I'm going to college. Fall will be my second semester. Maybe Daniel can be my "nickname" and they'll refer to my legal name when they discuss things with me...

Yeah  you can use Daniel as your "nickname" in the classroom and with your friends. If you're staying on campus, maybe use it with the people on your floor at your dorm too. Anything my professors ever spoke to me about regarding my school work was always emailed directly to me, they never contact my parents, so my emails would always be directed as "(Middle name), I think this is a good subject for an essay, etc etc" and I'd sign my essays and work with my middle name. All you have to do is tell them the first day of class that you like to go by your "nickname" and they'll refer to you as that, email you as that, and recognize your hw as that. There's rarely ever any reason to get your parents involved in college cause its not like they send home progress reports. Even your transcripts (which will be mailed home under your legal name) have the option of not being sent home. As far as people at university's are concerned, you're an adult and you're in charge, not your parents. So no worries mate, go by Daniel if you'd like.

Yeah. They'll call my full name and I'll respond with my preferred name. If anyone asks, I'll clarify. I don't know if I'll say I'm trans to the whole class, but I will tell the teacher.

Daniel I shall go by.

Yeah! I've started working on a "coming out letter" even though I already came out. I'm going to come out again, and make it clear this time.

Awesome. Sometimes letters are helpful for collecting your thoughts, and then you can decide whether or not you want to show the recipient the letter or just tell them straight out since you have your thoughts collected. Whatever you decide I'm sure it'll be right for you. Again, if you think you might want them to understand being trans more by reading up on it, and you think they WILL read, then I'll let you know how the books I ordered are. They should be in on wednesday, and who knows, maybe it'll help them understand a little bit better how you feel. I think it's hard for someone who knows nothing about Buddhism to relate to a Buddhist,  know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Thanks ahead of time. My letter will have some explanations/definitions as well as my coming out message.

Good luck man, keep us posted.

Thanks, I will.

I keep doubting this. Because I'm so insecure, you know? Do other transsexuals ever doubt this? "Gender is in the mind, and if you say you're a boy, you are one." I just somehow keep looking for the "catch." What's the "catch," I keep asking myself. It's got to be harder than just saying I'm a boy. But maybe it isn't.

Elwood:

If you haven't heard by now, there is no definitive test for transsexuality.  Yes, it is just that simple.  You are because you say you are.  There is no catch.  And yes, just about everyone has gone through their periods of doubt.

And actually that is the point of therapy.  Not so much to diagnose whether or not your are trans, but how you can or would deal with your life through transition and into post transition.

As one of my therapists put it:
Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water...
After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water

It's sort of "Alright, you are male.  Now what?  How will you get through transition and what will you do after that?"

And also I agree with everyone else, if your counselor is saying you aren't ready for therapy, you need to fire that one and go find yourself a proper gender therapist.

Unfortunately, the angst, anger and frustration you are feeling is normal.  As you move through transition these feelings should diminish drastically.

-Sandy

Thanks for posting this Sandy.

Posted on: July 21, 2008, 07:21:17 PM

I keep doubting this. Because I'm so insecure, you know? Do other transsexuals ever doubt this? "Gender is in the mind, and if you say you're a boy, you are one." I just somehow keep looking for the "catch." What's the "catch," I keep asking myself. It's got to be harder than just saying I'm a boy. But maybe it isn't.

I just wanted to say... if you take everything physical out of the equation for a second and just focus on here. You saying you're a guy isn't actually the main thing that convinces me of it. It's... everything; the way you conduct yourself, the things you say and how you say them, your attitude... your 'vibe' (for lack of a better term), mannerisms... everything.

When you interact with people through this medium, they can't hide who they are. Even if they try to, it comes through. And that's how I know, Daniel, that you are inherently male in every way except the way you would most like to be, and will be one day.

It isn't harder than saying "I'm a boy", because it's who you are, no matter the doubts you may have... it's just blindingly obvious to me and everyone else here. And if you're having doubts then just remember that this is coming from someone who doesn't have emotional attachment, is saying this totally objectively with no ulterior motive, and sees you for the person you are. You are male. It's that simple.

*big hug* Hang in there, honey.

Truedat. People say I've always had very masculine mannerisms in speech and physically as well. Unfortunately, I see a lot of FtMs talking and acting very much like girls. I'm sure it's hard for them because they can't help but be who they are, but they feel a pressure to be masculine. I'm just lucky in the sense that I naturally developed a male cadence.

You've really helped my confidence... I'm actually pretty thrilled that my natural self is who I think I am...