Explaining transgender to a child...how?

[mandik0253]

Hi, I'm Meghan's sister.  I have a son who is 8 1/2.  He has known Meghan only as Uncle ___  his whole life.  He is a little immature for his age and we haven't even had "the talk" about the "birds and the bees" yet.  I am wondering what would be the best way to explain that his Uncle is now going to become his Aunt.  Do any of you have any thoughts or experience in this?

I appreciate any advice you have to offer.

Thanks,
Mandi

[Lisbeth]

I would say the simplest thing is to tell him that his Uncle is more comfortable being a girl. You don't have to explain anything about the birds and bees.

For yourself, I would like to suggest that you get a copy of a video called No Dumb Questions. http://www.nodumbquestions.com/

Uncle Bill is becoming a woman!

This lighthearted and poignant documentary profiles three sisters, ages 6, 9 and 11, struggling to understand why and how their Uncle Bill is becoming a woman.

These girls love their Uncle Bill, but will they feel the same way when he becomes their new Aunt Barbara?

[questions]

I was worried about explaining to my kids as well about how their aunt is now their uncle.  I was shocked at how simple it was.  We sat our oldest son down and explained that __ was changing her name to ___.  He asked why?  we then asked if inside his head (our son) he feels like a boy?  he said yes.  Does your body look like a boy?  yes.  Well ___  feels like a boy.  His brain is telling him he is a boy even though the outside looks like a girl, and now he wants to match his outside to his inside.  (or something to that affect) He was like oh, ok. and has never had any issues since.   

[NicholeW.]

Hi, MandiK,

I think the above two answers cover the ground pretty well. My youngest was about 5 when he heard the "story" and it went pretty much like Questions related in their post. His brother was 12 and got a bit of a different story and more explaining.

Give him, I'd suggest, the simplest explanation he can handle right now and let him know that if he has questions as he gets older, then he should ask them. I would imagine you've used that with other things he's asked about over the years. It's a good tactic, imo.

Just as a "heads-up" I'd also make it a point to let him know that there are "family matters" that one discusses only at home. My, now, 10 year old just finally started telling his friends without asking about that, "well you said you wanted me to feel comfortable," (true) but found some of his friends rejected him after he's told them. So then we had the "family matters" talk.

Prolly could have saved him a lot of grief had I started with that as well.

Hugs,

Nichole

[Lisbeth]

Just as a "heads-up" I'd also make it a point to let him know that there are "family matters" that one discusses only at home. My, now, 10 year old just finally started telling his friends without asking about that, "well you said you wanted me to feel comfortable," (true) but found some of his friends rejected him after he's told them. So then we had the "family matters" talk.

Prolly could have saved him a lot of grief had I started with that as well.

On the other hand, my kids never had a problem with that.  Probably because they chose their friends well.

[NicholeW.]

How old were they when they told? He was 8 and it just became a problem as his little boy friends began to get the pre-adolescent hormone bath.

Of course, yes, perhaps your children chose "better" friends than my son did.

N~

[tekla]

Just like in clothing, advice about kids is never a one size fits all deal. 

We always had very strict rules about 'family business' and how what happens at home stays at home.  Their mother and I put bread on the table by running rock shows and nightclubs.  Like any parents, we took out kids to work.  We put them to work when we could.  By the time they were in 4th grade both could take tickets at the door and organize them better than the college kids we worked with could.  But they saw things go on that went against that DARE stuff they were spoon fed in school.  And we had to tell them that we were right, and DARE was wrong and they should not say anything about it to anyone.

It worked for us.  It worked for out kids, who among other things learned how to work.  But for others, I would not suggest that path perhaps.

[Lisbeth]

How old were they when they told? He was 8 and it just became a problem as his little boy friends began to get the pre-adolescent hormone bath.

Of course, yes, perhaps your children chose "better" friends than my son did.

N~

They were 5, 8, and 12.

[TamTam]

Tell the truth. I've found children can often behave more maturely and understand a lot more than we give them credit for.

For example, I recently came out as gay to my 11 year old cousins.. and they did the whole 'eeeeew I don't want to see you kissing a giiiirrrl!' bit but that only lasted for like, what, five minutes?  And I hadn't told them in a serious setting; they were hyper to begin with.  Then we had a little chat and they asked me a couple of serious questions [and then it devolved into silly questions, but hey..].

I'd assume this would kind of work the same way.  Just tell him.  He might behave immaturely at first, like 'eeew a girl' but that wouldn't mean he had an actual problem with it.. it'd just mean, hey, he's 8 years old and believes in cooties. But kids can also sense when it's truly time to be serious, and he might not behave immaturely at all.  I think it'll be fine. Just also let him know he can ask any questions he might have.  Maybe even see if Meghan would be okay with answering his questions, too.  If you treat it 'normally,' then he'll see it as normal and it won't be a big deal.

[tekla]

All kids are not the same, nor should they be treated like they are.  Use your judgment as an adult as a guide.  Assuming you have some.

[Chaunte]

Mandi,

The guitarist I sing with at church has a couple kids about the same age as your son.  Their dad said that I was changing because that Is how I see myself.  He and his girlfriend were both very matter-of-fact about this.  The youngest girl (age 7?) asked me," Why are you wearing a dress?"  I told her that I was making my outsides match my insides.  If you and everyone else does not make a big deal about it, it should be a low-stress event.

When I came out to my kids, ages 17 & 11, I emphaszed a few points.
     I love them.  Deeply.  And that will never change.
     I am the same person on the inside.
     The outside is changing to match how I perceive myself, which is as female.

I also stressed that being transsexual is appears to have a genetic link.  When I told my kids that this is physiological and not psychological, it became something they could understand.  This was especially true for my 11 year old.

I hope this helps.

Chaunte

[MeghanAndrews]

Hey Mandi,
Hey you First, congrats for coming here, it's a great community! Have you been thinking about what to say to him? Let's talk? You know I'm here for you Love, me

[mandik0253]

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded to my posting earlier.  They will be very helpful.  I have decided to talk to him in the next week or so.  I think he'll handle it well.  He's very sensitive to other people's feelings and is very kind-hearted.  Although he may be a little immature at times, he tends to surprise me when it comes down to family issues.  He even cried at my wedding.  Anyway, thank you all.  It's great to have a place to come and ask questions to a lot of people that have been through this experience.

Meghan,
I love you so much, thank you for recommending this site!  It's been really helpful. 

-Mandi