So, this is the situation.
Tonight, I told him about me being transgendered. Finally got the courage to tell someone. Decided not to tell him I'm in love with him, for now.
It's strange, really. All this time, I thought if I admitted it to someone, I'll feel better. But I don't.
He took it really good. He told me whatever I do, he'll always support me. But I don't feel better. In fact, I feel even worse then before.
It could be that I'm spoiled. I really don't know what to do now or how to react on anything. I'm really happy I can count on him as a friend, but I know I'll never be able to be with him. Feel so confused. Up until now, no one IRL knew about it. I feel like a I finally got rid of a burden, but now I have an even bigger now. It suddenly seems so real. Like this is no more of an internet thing, that can end if I simply stop coming to this (and similar) sites. Now it's something REAL. Don't know really how to explain it. I feel both happy and sad at the same time. Told him about my depression, told him how I tried to commit suicide a year ago.
That's something I never mentioned to anyone. Not even on the internet. Bloody words just came out of me, even though I prepared a whole speech before. But when I talked to him, couldn't remember it. I don't know how other feels about their own problems, but I really hate all of this. Hate myself more than anything else in the world.
If you're interested, this is what happened. A little more than a year ago, I felt really depressed. Had no one to talk about it, no one to tell me what's troubling me. I decided to end it all. Got a bunch of sleeping pills. Decided I'm going to take them all at the same time, cut my wrists, and wait to, well, die. But I was too much of a coward, and couldn't do it. So I just laid there, with a bunch of pills in one hand, and a knife in other, crying. I really don't remember the time I felt more alone, and more vulnerable. Just wanted this nightmare to end. I thought about my family and all my friends. I love them, I really do. But this is something I have to do for myself. I feel like I'm going to blow up if I don't do anything about it, but at the same time I feel like this might be just a phase. When I read other people's posts about it, I feel like they know 100% about themselves and how they're sure they want to change their gender.
I really don't know. From the day one, I feel like... well, confused. Don't know how to express it with words...
I hate how I am now. Everything feels so... wrong. I know I want to be a bloody girl. I want to wear skirts and high heels. But at the same time, I'm afraid none of this is real. That all of this is just a thing everyone goes through their teenage years and that I'm just wasting my energy on something that's isn't real.
I decided now. I'm going to look for a psychiatrist. I've postponed it long enough. All this time, I wanted to wait until I go to college. But I really can't do it anymore. That's still months away, and it really feel like I have to wait forever. I'm not going tell my parents, not prepared for that. But I will tell them I really feel confused and depressed and that I'm looking for some help. Hopefully, they'll help me find one I can talk to. And not tell them about it.
That's all I can say for now. Tomorrow I'll probably make a more coherent post. But for now, I feel so confused, so messed up, so alone. Really don't know how the rest of you go through with all of this. Hope I make some sense.
