I hate this!

[Elwood]

I hate conflict. I'm afraid that if I tell her I think she isn't helping that I'm telling her she isn't doing her job. And I don't feel like she isn't doing her job. She's the wrong person for me, I believe. I want action. I need information. She won't give it to me, or can't. Rather than getting in her face about it, I'm probably just going to quietly switch to a therapist who specializes in gender issues.

The thing is that this is not therapy. It's counseling. If she was my therapist I'd confront her. But she's not. She isn't the person who helps me. She isn't the person who approves HRT or monitors RLE. She doesn't do any of that. In the big picture, she's useless to my situation.

I don't think I am necessarily "running away" from her. I know her attempts are futile, I know she does not have the certification to help me, so I see no reason in wasting more sessions with her... Doing that would only make things take even longer.

I'm gonna be brutally honest with you here, love, that just is not true, what's bolded. Lately on this Forum you've been all about conflict and the conflict is in you.

There, brutal honesty.

You don't want to face the conflict within yourself and I know exactly where you are because I've been there done that in exactly the same situation only embracing another sex than what you are embracing.

How much longer, Elwood? A week, two weeks. It's gonna take longer than that find and to get approval for another therapist. And the conflict I am proposing is simply talking about how you feel. Not yelling, not stamping around, just plainly, quietly and reasonably saying "When I heard what you just said it made me start crying inside. I feel like you are simply not hearing me. I feel like ..." blah, blah.

I'm sorry, imo that's not conflict, that is facing up to what's within you and exposing it to another. And from my own experience with myself, THAT is the absolute toughest thing to do in transition. To avoid it and go to someone who is gonna co-sign my or your or her BS is to avoid what the real problem is. Facing myself.

Of course you have to handle it your way. Your decision, entirely.

But as a group, I think we run as far and fast as possible from actually expressing ourselves. Sri Ramakrishna said 150 years ago: "In order to find water a person doesn't dig thirty wells two feet deep; they dig one well sixty feet deep." In doing so he encapsulated "Therapy."

Respectfully,

Nichole

 

Maybe you don't understand. Internet conflict is nothing like brutal, in person conflict. In person, I am much more reserved and speak my mind a lot less.

I told my counselor how it made me feel. But she just said, "Aww, I understand sweety. It's going to be okay." ->-bleeped-<-. That sweety stuff certainly doesn't help. Treating me like a cute school girl crying on a park bench. It's not like that! I've been bottling up my anger for so long and when I am angry I sometimes cry.

I have no problem facing myself. I've accepted it. I do have a fear of expressing it to other people, fearing they won't believe me.

[NicholeW.]

First, addressing anyone in a session as "sweetie" is, imo, inappropriate. Did you say anything about that? And yes, I know that internally you believe it, Elwood.

But the "fear" is the problem, doncha see? That's the part we all have to face.

Nichole

[glendagladwitch]

Maybe you don't understand. Internet conflict is nothing like brutal, in person conflict. In person, I am much more reserved and speak my mind a lot less.

Heh.  Just wait until you get a little T in you.  You'll prolly be the king of conflict!  In any event, go eat some red meat or something.  It's full of androgens and will fix you right up.  If that's not enough, ynd you can buy "delicacy" foods like hog nuts and rocky mountian oysters.  Yum!

[trapthavok]

Nichole is right. At least tell your therapist how you feel about her before you move on. I used to wonder how my therapy sessions were helping me at all a while back, seeing as I didn't understand what my therapist was trying to get at with me so I came straight out and asked her one day and she very politely, very respectfully answered my questions and told me where she was trying to go with me. Communication has to be a two way street because who knows -- maybe you'll bring the issue up next time you see your therapist and she'll tell you the method behind her madness and it'll click for you.

I came out to my therapist this week and told her I'm a boy and I want to start my RLE and she agrees with me that I have to take things slow and really know if this is who I am and what I want and she took it all rather surprised but still rather well and open minded. Honestly she DID play devil's advocate and asked me how I knew I wasn't a butch lesbian rather than a guy, but she still heard me out.

I had some trust issues with her before this session and now that I see she took things the way she did and didn't try to force her beliefs on me I think she's earned more of my trust and I'm glad she's so open minded. We're probably going to keep talking about it for a while before we move any further, but the point is that I CAN talk to her about it and that she's NOT going to stop me from trying RLE but thinks it's far too soon to think about surgeries or T. I agree with her wholeheartedly and I'm glad she's going to work with me. So if in the end your therapist is adamant about working against you rather than with you, even after you've told her how you felt and told her you've been thinking about this for a year (which is WAY longer than I've been thinking about it) and she still refuses to let you do RLE then yes, it's time to find a new therapist. Besides, it IS your choice and she can't stop you from changing your clothes or your looks any more than a teacher could. She's not your mom and though she has been helpful, it's your call in the end, not hers.

You make a very good point. I'd agree if she was a therapist. But she's a counselor. It's a little different... She doesn't take the active role of a therapist. She does not provide therapy. I talk, she listens. But that's it. A therapist actually gives input. All this counselor does is tells me to "think about it." I've thought about this for a long time. I've had these feelings most of my life. It took me until I was 17 to really make the connections and to understand. It wasn't easy to think a boy could be a girl physically. It's something that seems like an oxymoron and took forever for me to come up with on my own. But it explained everything...

I wish my counselor was like your therapist. She says I'm not even ready to explore my gender role. That's nonsense. I'm not ready to find out who I really am? It's bologna, and it's pissing me off. I need to work with someone who is going to work with me... all she's done so far the past 2 months (and 2 visits, I only am able to see her once a month, what the HELL) is tell me that I am not ready for anything. To "slow down." But I'm not moving quickly. Not any more quickly than any other transsexual. I've been very patient but my patience wears thin when I feel like nothing is happening.

My dad wants me to work with someone I see once a week. But for some reason, I just can't have that. I'm outraged. I want to punch clear through a wall (but I won't, my dad painted these walls himself!). I'm sick of all of this. I am so mad about this that I don't know what to do with myself.

I am so glad things are going well for you, havok. I hope that sometime I can reach that point of understanding with my therapist. I want to work with someone who can talk about it. Who doesn't make me feel alienated or stupid for feeling this way. I want to talk to someone who really understands what's going on. This counselor gets it. She knows about body dysphoria, she knows about the transgendered condition. She knows what it's like and what it includes. But she doesn't empathize with me. She doesn't really let me express it. She tells me to slow down, that, "it's not the right time to talk about that." I hate that ->-bleeped-<-. And all the while, she's so gentle and sweet that I can't get mad until after I leave her office.

But yeah. My counselor said "you need to think about it more." I said, "Think about it more? I've had over a year to think about it more. Yeah, I didn't come out until half a year ago but I was transgendered before I told anybody." She didn't shake her head, nod, or anything. She just paused, typed on her computer and said that I need to worry more about my anxiety. Well, my anxiety is up through the roof because I'm a queer that is being oppressed by everybody except other queers!

UGH.

Thanks for your response. It really helped me organize my thoughts.

Posted on: July 19, 2008, 11:30:45 AMI'd like a male therapist... I don't want a female therapist to feel like I'm leaving her club or betraying the sisterhood or something. Maybe a guy would better understand. This guy, who I know his name and everything, works with transgendered people and understands transgender anxiety. He's perfect for me, and I hope he has an opening.

Sorry about that bro, I misunderstood I guess. I'll try to correct my post a little bit now. I suppose that if she's a counselor, then she has a lot less say than my therapist. In a way, my therapist makes me "think about things" a lot so I can figure myself out, basically make me do most of the work but I can see that your counselor is still different. My therapist doesn't specialize in GID as far as I know since I started seeing her for depression before I figured myself out, which is why I was so surprised she took everything as well as she did.

Thing is, you need more help than seeing a counselor once a month. No offense intended by that statement, but had I seen my therapist once a month I would have still been the bitter, hostile person I used to be who didn't trust anyone (including her) and hated seeing her because all she used to do was "criticize me." In actuality she was helping me and I was just so resilient to change that I couldn't see that. I'm only telling you all this because point is, therapists help a helluva lot more than counselors do, because I'm a totally different person than I used to be back in october when I started seeing her and you need to see a therapist at least twice a month like I do for their work to have any effect in the long run. I agree that you need to dump your counselor and see a therapist, preferrably a therapist specializing in GID  since you've already thought this through for a long time.

Point is though, that I still see where Nichole is coming from while I still sympathize with you Elwood. I think the point Nichole is trying to make is that yes, you should see a therapist BUT you shouldn't burn your bridges by not telling your counselor anything. I'm almost 21 so I'm not that much older than you and I understand how you feel about wasting your youth and feeling so frustrated and angry. I have a short fuse, and I'm very impatient myself. Barely a month into understanding myself and I already want to start RLE?

In person, I am much more reserved and speak my mind a lot less.

It's not like that! I've been bottling up my anger for so long and when I am angry I sometimes cry.

I have no problem facing myself. I've accepted it. I do have a fear of expressing it to other people, fearing they won't believe me.

I applaud that you've been patient for an entire year cause I don't think I would have lasted. I congratulate you on coming so far, and I feel like I understand where you're coming from but I'm not going to assume that I do simply because I can't pretend I know you. The only thing is, what Nichole is trying to say is that you need to at least thank your counselor (even if she hasn't really helped you) and be honest with her before you leave her. Learning not to let my anger destroy relationships with people, even people who never really helped me, was a hard lesson I have learned. I wasn't 18 too long ago so I used to get mad when people used to tell me I couldn't just cut people off and stop talking to them and that could include anyone from old friends to old doctors. You may not need your counselor in the future, which is the main reason most people try to be courteous when breaking off relationships (you never know who you might need ten years from now) but you still have to see things as an adult would. You're of legal age so it's time to reign in your frustrations and swallow your pride, be honest with her, thank her for your time then move on. I have a LOT of pride and I can bottle my anger up for a long time so it was hard for me to do this with people, to learn to thank them for what they haven't done for me and be honest with my feelings.

I get that you hate conflict, I do too. I come from a family who thrives on arguments and being pissed off at each other 24/7, and I hate telling them how I feel about them because I'd just rather not head down that road fearing that it would just start another conflict. But the thing is, what you're going through isn't like an argument with my family, it's a counselor. It's not necessarily conflict, you're just telling her how you feel. I very much doubt that she's going to retaliate the same way my family does, saying things she doesn't really mean just to hurt you. You've got nothing to lose, but at the same time, telling people how you feel is hard. At least it is for me.

I don't know if all of this has made sense to you, but I want to help so I'm going to keep checking back here now and then. If I need to make my point a little clearer, just let me know.

[Elwood]

Maybe you don't understand. Internet conflict is nothing like brutal, in person conflict. In person, I am much more reserved and speak my mind a lot less.

Heh.  Just wait until you get a little T in you.  You'll prolly be the king of conflict!  In any event, go eat some red meat or something.  It's full of androgens and will fix you right up.  If that's not enough, ynd you can buy "delicacy" foods like hog nuts and rocky mountian oysters.  Yum!

Haha. Well, maybe. T doesn't make people more brave. It sometimes makes them more aggressive. But I know a guy who really calmed down after he started taking T.

Posted on: July 19, 2008, 01:43:30 PM

Nichole is right. At least tell your therapist how you feel about her before you move on. I used to wonder how my therapy sessions were helping me at all a while back, seeing as I didn't understand what my therapist was trying to get at with me so I came straight out and asked her one day and she very politely, very respectfully answered my questions and told me where she was trying to go with me. Communication has to be a two way street because who knows -- maybe you'll bring the issue up next time you see your therapist and she'll tell you the method behind her madness and it'll click for you.

I came out to my therapist this week and told her I'm a boy and I want to start my RLE and she agrees with me that I have to take things slow and really know if this is who I am and what I want and she took it all rather surprised but still rather well and open minded. Honestly she DID play devil's advocate and asked me how I knew I wasn't a butch lesbian rather than a guy, but she still heard me out.

I had some trust issues with her before this session and now that I see she took things the way she did and didn't try to force her beliefs on me I think she's earned more of my trust and I'm glad she's so open minded. We're probably going to keep talking about it for a while before we move any further, but the point is that I CAN talk to her about it and that she's NOT going to stop me from trying RLE but thinks it's far too soon to think about surgeries or T. I agree with her wholeheartedly and I'm glad she's going to work with me. So if in the end your therapist is adamant about working against you rather than with you, even after you've told her how you felt and told her you've been thinking about this for a year (which is WAY longer than I've been thinking about it) and she still refuses to let you do RLE then yes, it's time to find a new therapist. Besides, it IS your choice and she can't stop you from changing your clothes or your looks any more than a teacher could. She's not your mom and though she has been helpful, it's your call in the end, not hers.

You make a very good point. I'd agree if she was a therapist. But she's a counselor. It's a little different... She doesn't take the active role of a therapist. She does not provide therapy. I talk, she listens. But that's it. A therapist actually gives input. All this counselor does is tells me to "think about it." I've thought about this for a long time. I've had these feelings most of my life. It took me until I was 17 to really make the connections and to understand. It wasn't easy to think a boy could be a girl physically. It's something that seems like an oxymoron and took forever for me to come up with on my own. But it explained everything...

I wish my counselor was like your therapist. She says I'm not even ready to explore my gender role. That's nonsense. I'm not ready to find out who I really am? It's bologna, and it's pissing me off. I need to work with someone who is going to work with me... all she's done so far the past 2 months (and 2 visits, I only am able to see her once a month, what the HELL) is tell me that I am not ready for anything. To "slow down." But I'm not moving quickly. Not any more quickly than any other transsexual. I've been very patient but my patience wears thin when I feel like nothing is happening.

My dad wants me to work with someone I see once a week. But for some reason, I just can't have that. I'm outraged. I want to punch clear through a wall (but I won't, my dad painted these walls himself!). I'm sick of all of this. I am so mad about this that I don't know what to do with myself.

I am so glad things are going well for you, havok. I hope that sometime I can reach that point of understanding with my therapist. I want to work with someone who can talk about it. Who doesn't make me feel alienated or stupid for feeling this way. I want to talk to someone who really understands what's going on. This counselor gets it. She knows about body dysphoria, she knows about the transgendered condition. She knows what it's like and what it includes. But she doesn't empathize with me. She doesn't really let me express it. She tells me to slow down, that, "it's not the right time to talk about that." I hate that ->-bleeped-<-. And all the while, she's so gentle and sweet that I can't get mad until after I leave her office.

But yeah. My counselor said "you need to think about it more." I said, "Think about it more? I've had over a year to think about it more. Yeah, I didn't come out until half a year ago but I was transgendered before I told anybody." She didn't shake her head, nod, or anything. She just paused, typed on her computer and said that I need to worry more about my anxiety. Well, my anxiety is up through the roof because I'm a queer that is being oppressed by everybody except other queers!

UGH.

Thanks for your response. It really helped me organize my thoughts.

Posted on: July 19, 2008, 11:30:45 AMI'd like a male therapist... I don't want a female therapist to feel like I'm leaving her club or betraying the sisterhood or something. Maybe a guy would better understand. This guy, who I know his name and everything, works with transgendered people and understands transgender anxiety. He's perfect for me, and I hope he has an opening.

Sorry about that bro, I misunderstood I guess. I'll try to correct my post a little bit now. I suppose that if she's a counselor, then she has a lot less say than my therapist. In a way, my therapist makes me "think about things" a lot so I can figure myself out, basically make me do most of the work but I can see that your counselor is still different. My therapist doesn't specialize in GID as far as I know since I started seeing her for depression before I figured myself out, which is why I was so surprised she took everything as well as she did.

Thing is, you need more help than seeing a counselor once a month. No offense intended by that statement, but had I seen my therapist once a month I would have still been the bitter, hostile person I used to be who didn't trust anyone (including her) and hated seeing her because all she used to do was "criticize me." In actuality she was helping me and I was just so resilient to change that I couldn't see that. I'm only telling you all this because point is, therapists help a helluva lot more than counselors do, because I'm a totally different person than I used to be back in october when I started seeing her and you need to see a therapist at least twice a month like I do for their work to have any effect in the long run. I agree that you need to dump your counselor and see a therapist, preferrably a therapist specializing in GID  since you've already thought this through for a long time.

Point is though, that I still see where Nichole is coming from while I still sympathize with you Elwood. I think the point Nichole is trying to make is that yes, you should see a therapist BUT you shouldn't burn your bridges by not telling your counselor anything. I'm almost 21 so I'm not that much older than you and I understand how you feel about wasting your youth and feeling so frustrated and angry. I have a short fuse, and I'm very impatient myself. Barely a month into understanding myself and I already want to start RLE?

Not to worry. I wasn't explaining enough.

Yeah. I do need more help. Once a month isn't going to work. I'm a bit of a mess and I need more guidance. People can see that about me but for some reason Kaiser doesn't (yes, I'm starting with Kaiser until they can't help me anymore... they can get me as far as hormones, I think).

Twice a month does seem like a healthy number. My dad says I should call Kaiser Monday morning and explain my concerns and tell them about the therapist I want to work with. It will be a lot better from then forward. I'd call today but they're only open on business days.

I'm glad I met you, because we seem to have quite a bit in common. You're right, burning that bridge could be interpreted as me running away. I will tell her eventually, but I don't want to spend the $50 copay to tell her I'm leaving. I'd rather call her or send her a fax.

In person, I am much more reserved and speak my mind a lot less.

It's not like that! I've been bottling up my anger for so long and when I am angry I sometimes cry.

I have no problem facing myself. I've accepted it. I do have a fear of expressing it to other people, fearing they won't believe me.

I applaud that you've been patient for an entire year cause I don't think I would have lasted. I congratulate you on coming so far, and I feel like I understand where you're coming from but I'm not going to assume that I do simply because I can't pretend I know you. The only thing is, what Nichole is trying to say is that you need to at least thank your counselor (even if she hasn't really helped you) and be honest with her before you leave her. Learning not to let my anger destroy relationships with people, even people who never really helped me, was a hard lesson I have learned. I wasn't 18 too long ago so I used to get mad when people used to tell me I couldn't just cut people off and stop talking to them and that could include anyone from old friends to old doctors. You may not need your counselor in the future, which is the main reason most people try to be courteous when breaking off relationships (you never know who you might need ten years from now) but you still have to see things as an adult would. You're of legal age so it's time to reign in your frustrations and swallow your pride, be honest with her, thank her for your time then move on. I have a LOT of pride and I can bottle my anger up for a long time so it was hard for me to do this with people, to learn to thank them for what they haven't done for me and be honest with my feelings.

I get that you hate conflict, I do too. I come from a family who thrives on arguments and being pissed off at each other 24/7, and I hate telling them how I feel about them because I'd just rather not head down that road fearing that it would just start another conflict. But the thing is, what you're going through isn't like an argument with my family, it's a counselor. It's not necessarily conflict, you're just telling her how you feel. I very much doubt that she's going to retaliate the same way my family does, saying things she doesn't really mean just to hurt you. You've got nothing to lose, but at the same time, telling people how you feel is hard. At least it is for me.

I don't know if all of this has made sense to you, but I want to help so I'm going to keep checking back here now and then. If I need to make my point a little clearer, just let me know.

You're right, and I will be sure to thank her for her contribution. I'm just not sure if it's worth the $50. I have to pay $50 every visit because my insurance doesn't cover as much of it as it used to. Copay used to be only $15.

Wow, we have a lot more in common than I thought. I have two families, because my parents divorced. My mom's side is full of a lot of anger and upset. It's full of a lot of love, too. That contrast makes my stress really high, and life really confusing. But I know what it's like to have a lot of screaming and rage in the household...

You've really helped a lot. Everyone who's posted has given some very useful feedback. Thanks everyone.

[trapthavok]

You're right, and I will be sure to thank her for her contribution. I'm just not sure if it's worth the $50. I have to pay $50 every visit because my insurance doesn't cover as much of it as it used to. Copay used to be only $15.

Wow 50 bucks a month to see this chick, that's a waste. Yeah I used to see my therapist once a week til my insurance visits ran out. I only paid $30 copay to see her once a week, but now I pay $60 copay per visit, so I only see her twice a month to balance it out.

Wow, we have a lot more in common than I thought. I have two families, because my parents divorced. My mom's side is full of a lot of anger and upset. It's full of a lot of love, too. That contrast makes my stress really high, and life really confusing. But I know what it's like to have a lot of screaming and rage in the household...

You've really helped a lot. Everyone who's posted has given some very useful feedback. Thanks everyone.

Yeah. My parents are still together, and at times it seems like everything is awesome. I feel like I could even tell them about me being a boy. My mom would take it well, she's all for GLBT rights, though my dad might bust a vein and keep his feelings about me being an abomination trapped inside and let it fester for years. When he doesn't like something, he's clear on not changing his mind about it. My mom on the other hand is very open minded. Sometimes I'm glad she's cool.

There's never any real screaming in my house because we all just pretend to get along. It's almost like the unwritten rule of the house is to talk about how everyone else in our extended family has problems, but not address our own issues because addressing ours is like opening a can of worms. I remember the last time I tried to share my feelings with my mom about our family issues, and she about freaked out and started hitting below the belt. I hate when she cries and partially screams, and everything she says though she may not know it makes me feel guilty inside, makes me feel like I'm a bad person. Though we don't argue and scream like your family, walking on glass is painful, as is the jabs below the belt when things get heated. That's why I avoid conflict. That's why we pretend to get along.

My dad never screams but his words hurt. Haha I sound like a wuss right now, but I feel like part of the reason I started seeing a therapist was because I take all the negative energy from my family and ball it up inside of me, lowering my self esteem until it was nonexistant. Overall they're not a bad family, I love them to death, like I'm glad my sister's my best friend and I'm glad my mom is cool, and I want to be like my dad...but everyone's family has problems

Anyway I'm getting off topic. I'm glad I could help.

[Elwood]

You're right, and I will be sure to thank her for her contribution. I'm just not sure if it's worth the $50. I have to pay $50 every visit because my insurance doesn't cover as much of it as it used to. Copay used to be only $15.

Wow 50 bucks a month to see this chick, that's a waste. Yeah I used to see my therapist once a week til my insurance visits ran out. I only paid $30 copay to see her once a week, but now I pay $60 copay per visit, so I only see her twice a month to balance it out.

Exactly. $50 not to be helped. That's ridiculous. And I feel really guilty because my dad pays the copay. I don't like putting that on his shoulders-- especially if it isn't working.

Wow, we have a lot more in common than I thought. I have two families, because my parents divorced. My mom's side is full of a lot of anger and upset. It's full of a lot of love, too. That contrast makes my stress really high, and life really confusing. But I know what it's like to have a lot of screaming and rage in the household...

You've really helped a lot. Everyone who's posted has given some very useful feedback. Thanks everyone.

Yeah. My parents are still together, and at times it seems like everything is awesome. I feel like I could even tell them about me being a boy. My mom would take it well, she's all for GLBT rights, though my dad might bust a vein and keep his feelings about me being an abomination trapped inside and let it fester for years. When he doesn't like something, he's clear on not changing his mind about it. My mom on the other hand is very open minded. Sometimes I'm glad she's cool.

There's never any real screaming in my house because we all just pretend to get along. It's almost like the unwritten rule of the house is to talk about how everyone else in our extended family has problems, but not address our own issues because addressing ours is like opening a can of worms. I remember the last time I tried to share my feelings with my mom cause I wanted to be close to her and dad like I used to be when I was a kid, and she about freaked out and started hitting below the belt. I hate when she cries and partially screams, and everything she says though she may not know it makes me feel guilty inside, makes me feel like I'm a bad person. Though we don't argue and scream like your family, walking on glass is painful, as is the jabs below the belt when things get heated. That's why I avoid conflict. That's why we pretend to get along.

My dad never screams but his words hurt. Haha I sound like a wuss right now, but I feel like part of the reason I started seeing a therapist was because I take all the negative energy from my family and ball it up inside of me, lowering my self esteem until it was nonexistant.

Anyway I'm getting off topic. I'm glad I could help.

My mom took it the worst. I thought she'd be supportive because she was a lesbian when she was younger, then went bi. I thought she'd understand, because she hung out with LGBT people in San Fransisco. But she truly has a prejudice against transpeople, and she especially doesn't want me to be one of them... My dad's taking it a lot better.

Ouch. That sucks. The subtle, under the table kind of anger. It's like my friend Laura. Her parents pretend they're fine, but they snap at each other quietly, and no one says something when they're discontent. Everyone festers in bottling up their feelings...

Posted on: July 19, 2008, 05:45:18 PMPS: I love how our hats match, haha.