Coming out to my parents

[trapthavok]

Here's the deal...

I used to be very close to my mom when I was younger, to the point that she was my best friend. Of course, some distance has grown between us since I was age 12 (lol) but she still says she would love me no matter what, and she's all about GLBT rights. She doesn't know that I'm not straight, but she's always repeated all my life that if one of her girls was ever lesbian, she'd only be upset about not getting grandchildren for half a moment, then be over it because it wouldn't be a big deal (that we were lesbian, not that she wasn't getting grandchildren).

My dad's not as comfortable with a lot of things. He has a closed door policy. He'd love for his kids to come talk to him about stuff just like my mom would, but at the same time if he has an opinion of something (be it negative or positive, but most of the time negative) you can't change his mind about it, he's set in his ways. He's already made it clear that he thinks two men or two women kissing is disgusting and there's nothing we can say to change that. Phew, it's good that I'm a straight male then...but I'm still a male trapped in a female's body and he might have a problem with that...

I'm nervous about coming out to them, but I feel it needs to be done. My mom will accept it with open arms but my dad might just be silent about it, not express how he feels, and possibly resent me or not care but just not tell me and make me sweat about it for days or years. Thing is, I've had bad experiences with them in the past. I changed my religion to Islam once (they're non-devoted catholics) and then told them AFTER the fact that I was THINKING about becoming Muslim, and it went horribly for me. Not only did they probably figure out that I had already converted, they didn't take it so well and they felt like I had made the decision and not told them until after the fact (hit the nail on the head...) and they were hurt by it. They didn't like that I was Muslim most especially because they didn't feel I had researched it enough (which was true) and it was to the point that I almost saw my dad cry, which I'd never seen before in my life.

Case in point, it was a painful time in my life and I wished I had talked to them before I made the decision. At first I didn't want to tell them I was trans until I was 100% sure that I knew because I've gone from bi-sexual to lesbian to trans in the past year and a half of discovering myself, but I really feel like I've found myself and I'm 95% sure that I am who I am. I want to begin my RLE in a couple of weeks, at least by cutting my hair short, changing my clothing, and going by a male name I've already chosen, but I don't want things to be the way they were when I'd been Muslim. They're going to notice the changes obviously because although I'm in my senior year of college, I still live with them and they can tune in on my changes very easily whether it be emotional or physical. I want them to know I'm thinking about ops and T but I don't want to tell them AFTER I begin RLE because I don't want to hurt them again.

I am going to be telling them within the next few days, as soon as I can find a book that may help them and the courage to tell them. I'd just like to know maybe if anyone else has coming out experience with their parents, how they went about doing it and how it went for them. Maybe I'd like some encouragement too. Thanks for hearing me out, I feel like this is really important to me, and it's really important that they know even if after I do RLE I decide I'd rather be female the rest of my life (which I sincerely doubt).

[PolarBear]

Wow, once you make your mind up, you really go for things don't you? Already thinking of RLE... Not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you, I am just a bit surprised at the speed in which you want to progress.

I can't really say much about coming out to your parents without sounding like a complete hypocrite, so I will only say that it probably will be bloody hard to say those words to them. How they will react is something only you can guesstimate. The way you describe your mom sounds promising, though. And perhaps your father will come around as well after he takes his time to come to terms with it.

I believe I've read that you are seeing a therapist, but I don't know if you have spoken about your transsexual issues with her, or if you could. I would advise you to talk to her, or another therapist, about it. I think it's also something you could tell your parents if they are afraid "you are making things up". Telling them you are talking about this with a certified counselor / therapist and that you want to do this "by the book" should allay some fears for them.

The fact that you are still living with your parents doesn't make things easier, I guess. You want to start presenting as male within a few days, but that's kinda hard to do if your parents don't know about it, or have just heard about it and are still processing it all. Perhaps it would be wiser to give them some time to let it sink in, to let them ask their questions which they are sure to have, and then start RLE?
I don't know the one true answer, I don't think there is a one true answer. However, I think it might be good for your family relationships if you don't jump in the deep end, and force your parents to do the same when they are not ready for it yet.

Is this what you wanted to hear? Probably not. It would mean that you would go at a slower pace than you want. I understand that. I understand that you want to present and relate to other people as male. I'm just saying that it might be wise to consider the effects your actions may have on others.

All that said... In the end it is up to you, and what feels good for you. You are the one who is living your life, and you are the only one who can make yourself happy.

Good luck with your parents, I hope it works out for the best,
PolarBear

[trapthavok]

Wow, once you make your mind up, you really go for things don't you? Already thinking of RLE... Not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you, I am just a bit surprised at the speed in which you want to progress.

My god I can't believe you nailed me so accurately. for chrissake you don't even know me, and you already know what I'm like. Yes, I jump into things all the time, get smacked in the face, and later regret it.... That such knowledge is coming from a complete stranger who doesn't even know that character flaw about me is what makes your response hard to bear. If one person tells you it's a duck, it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then you can go get a second opinion. But if everyone tells you this about yourself? Well ->-bleeped-<- me, I'm a duck. You're talking some sense into me though it hurts, because you're right... I don't know if you're right about me not being a guy, but you're right, I'm rushing into this.

I can't really say much about coming out to your parents without sounding like a complete hypocrite, so I will only say that it probably will be bloody hard to say those words to them. How they will react is something only you can guesstimate. The way you describe your mom sounds promising, though. And perhaps your father will come around as well after he takes his time to come to terms with it.

I believe I've read that you are seeing a therapist, but I don't know if you have spoken about your transsexual issues with her, or if you could. I would advise you to talk to her, or another therapist, about it. I think it's also something you could tell your parents if they are afraid "you are making things up". Telling them you are talking about this with a certified counselor / therapist and that you want to do this "by the book" should allay some fears for them.

Yes I'm seeing a therapist. I just spoke to her about this this week. When I thought I was bi, I told her about it too a few months back and she gave me advice. She said I should just not rock the boat with my parents until I move out or get a girlfriend, and even then maybe just hide her and not tell them. It was good advice, but my parents said they'd never throw me out. Though I don't honestly know how they would have taken it, it really killed me to hide that about me from them. My parents care and want to be there for me, I just never give them the chance, which is why I wanted to come out to them about this and disagreed with my therapist about not telling them I was bi, even though I never did tell them I was bi.

The fact that you are still living with your parents doesn't make things easier, I guess. You want to start presenting as male within a few days, but that's kinda hard to do if your parents don't know about it, or have just heard about it and are still processing it all. Perhaps it would be wiser to give them some time to let it sink in, to let them ask their questions which they are sure to have, and then start RLE?
I don't know the one true answer, I don't think there is a one true answer. However, I think it might be good for your family relationships if you don't jump in the deep end, and force your parents to do the same when they are not ready for it yet.

Yeah you're right, I should give them some time to think about it. They've made it clear to me in the past that I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions, so something like this for example I wouldn't need their permission on. I just want them to be there with me as I go through it, and if it takes waiting until they get used to the idea (and not exactly waiting for their permission, just til they're comfortable) then I might put my RLE off for a bit longer.

My only question to you is, do you think that if I started wearing guys clothes (again) would they see it as me moving on without them and beginning my RLE? Because I don't want that. I want them to know that I want them to be part of this. The thing is, I used to wear boys clothes a lot before I started thinking I wasn't supposed to, I was very tomboyish growing up and they didn't seem to mind. I only really get to buy new clothes once a year or so too, around tax free week sale during back to school (which is coming up in August). If I buy the clothes that I would like, does that mean I can't wear them because it might give them the wrong signal? I don't consider dressing the way I used to RLE, but I don't know if they might take it that way. If I had a packer and short hair THAT would be different to me...

All that said... In the end it is up to you, and what feels good for you. You are the one who is living your life, and you are the only one who can make yourself happy.

Yeah I know, but you're right and I'm taking what you said into consideration. Though it did upset me, I know that you're right and I'll try to slow down.

Good luck with your parents, I hope it works out for the best

Thanks, me too.

[Elwood]

I was also best friends with my mom when I was younger. Our friendship ended when I came out. Just warning you. My mom completely detached from me. She says she still loves me, but I can tell that I disgust her. Realize that coming out comes with a risk. My mom said the same thing. That she'd love me no matter what. That I could trust her with anything. So I trusted her with this, and it got me Hell.

My mom says she'd rather me be a lesbian than be a transman. And she acts like she'd be happier if I was a drug addict, whore, or criminal-- as long as I was a woman. My mom has a somewhat distasteful view towards men, and can't figure why any girl would want to be a man. I tell her I don't know why a girl would want to be a man either, and that I'm no girl. I don't want to be a man, I am one, seeking my body to match my mind. My "soul," she'd call it. My mother says that souls are "gendered" during life but loose gender in death. So I asked her how she could prove that my soul is "female." She didn't say she knew, but she acts like because of her maternal bond that it's her decision what gender I am. The fact is, my mom is confused. She knows she doesn't want me to be a man, but she doesn't really have any logical reasons. She's told me this. "I don't know what it is, I just don't want to loose my daughter."

She's loosing a daughter she never had. She saw me as her daughter, but that's never who I really was. I was her child. I will always be her child. One day, I will "legitimately" be her son.

My mom was all about LGBTQQI rights as well. But she dropped the hat as soon as I said I was trans. She was instantly transphobic. She says that people who are trans have "issues" and are "disturbed" because they "mutilate their bodies." Personally, I don't see how taking testosterone mutilates my body. I admit that top surgery is a mutilation of my body, but I don't see how it's any worse than piercings, tattoos, plastic surgery or even medical surgery.

I for a long time proclaimed that I liked only men. I still prefer men, but I recently (over the past month) have had some attraction to girls. When I see a girl (in particular, shorter than me, cute, clean, smart looking, and well presented) sometimes I'll think, "If I was her man, I could be truly happy." Then I'd shake my head and say, "No! I like men!" But I realized that I can't deny that I am attracted to some girls. I have officially named my sexuality "questioning," because if I had a penis, I'd probably still be very much into men. I appreciate girls because they more often act sensitive and understanding to the fact that I don't have a penis. Girls seem more rational as a choice in partner, because they won't want to stick anything in my hole. But in a perfect world, I'd be a man, with a penis, and a very gay man. This fact, by the way, horrifies my father, but he's still supportive of me. He doesn't want a gay son.

My parents are divorced. My mother does not want me to transition. My step father said he'll never respect me if I transition. My step mother insists that I am not ready because I am not a "responsible adult" yet. Because I am not "proper." Her family was raised quite starchy and clean, where everyone had a very traditional way of doing things. It isn't my lifestyle to be so robotic, but I have to become a "fine young lad" before I may transition. That may require some etiquette classes, but I'll do it. My dad is most accepting, saying that he wants me to be able to experience living "full-time" when I start my fall semester. He currently wishes to convince my step mom to become comfortable with me using then name "Daniel" starting August 19th. Whether or not she is comfortable, I probably will use it at school. I don't want to disrespect her requirements (I live under her roof, I ought to respect her rules) but I also need to progress towards transition, even if it's just slowly.

You will need to come out to them eventually. That is, if you want to keep seeing them. I think your dad might close up for a long time, but I also think he'll eventually come around if your mother is on your side of things. He might never like it, but he may grow to accept it.

There was a lot of crying from both my mother and step father. My mother acted like her daughter died, and even said it to me. "It's like my daughter is DEAD!" My step dad was really concerned, and told me about how 18 years old is not a good age to make large decisions. He said when he was 18 he almost joined the army and he was glad he didn't. I understand his point, but being transgendered does not go away after 25.

I wish you the best of luck. I think things will turn out fine for you in the end. You're an adult, well past the age of "unsure adolescence" and your mom cares for you.

Posted on: July 21, 2008, 08:26:44 PMI've been questioning my gender for a little more than a year. It took me until sometime this month (roughly a year) to decide I want to start RLE and to transition. My parents think that a year was extraordinarily fast, but I don't think so at all. It's been a very slow year.

The fact that you are still living with your parents doesn't make things easier, I guess. You want to start presenting as male within a few days, but that's kinda hard to do if your parents don't know about it, or have just heard about it and are still processing it all. Perhaps it would be wiser to give them some time to let it sink in, to let them ask their questions which they are sure to have, and then start RLE?

This is where I'm at with my mom.

My dad lives 500 miles north of my mom. Right now I'm with my dad. I see my mom in a couple weeks.

When I see my mom, I'll take it down a notch. I'll go down from masculine to androgynous, because if I don't, she'll be in a horrible mood the whole time I'm there. Then again, I haven't seen her for two months. She MIGHT have come around by now, but I'm not sure. If she has, it'll be a bloody miracle.

[PolarBear]

My god I can't believe you nailed me so accurately. for chrissake you don't even know me, and you already know what I'm like. Yes, I jump into things all the time, get smacked in the face, and later regret it.... That such knowledge is coming from a complete stranger who doesn't even know that character flaw about me is what makes your response hard to bear. If one person tells you it's a duck, it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then you can go get a second opinion. But if everyone tells you this about yourself? Well ->-bleeped-<- me, I'm a duck. You're talking some sense into me though it hurts, because you're right... I don't know if you're right about me not being a guy, but you're right, I'm rushing into this.

I don't think you are not a guy, I believe you when you say you are. Didn't mean to imply that I think you're not male.

Yes I'm seeing a therapist. I just spoke to her about this this week. When I thought I was bi, I told her about it too a few months back and she gave me advice. She said I should just not rock the boat with my parents until I move out or get a girlfriend, and even then maybe just hide her and not tell them. It was good advice, but my parents said they'd never throw me out. Though I don't honestly know how they would have taken it, it really killed me to hide that about me from them. My parents care and want to be there for me, I just never give them the chance, which is why I wanted to come out to them about this and disagreed with my therapist about not telling them I was bi, even though I never did tell them I was bi.

Honestly, I would have disagreed with your therapist as well, but please note that I am someone who believes in complete truth and is living in a country where things such a homosexuality are becoming the norm. Plus that my parents are very liberal when it comes to things like that, so I realise I am speaking from a very lucky and blessed perspective. In your area, people might not be as open-minded as here.
On the other hand, I also believe that it is sometimes best to wait telling these things until one can stand on their own two feet, so perhaps your therapist did have a point when she advised you to wait until you were living on your own.

Yeah you're right, I should give them some time to think about it. They've made it clear to me in the past that I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions, so something like this for example I wouldn't need their permission on. I just want them to be there with me as I go through it, and if it takes waiting until they get used to the idea (and not exactly waiting for their permission, just til they're comfortable) then I might put my RLE off for a bit longer.

My only question to you is, do you think that if I started wearing guys clothes (again) would they see it as me moving on without them and beginning my RLE? Because I don't want that. I want them to know that I want them to be part of this. The thing is, I used to wear boys clothes a lot before I started thinking I wasn't supposed to, I was very tomboyish growing up and they didn't seem to mind. I only really get to buy new clothes once a year or so too, around tax free week sale during back to school (which is coming up in August). If I buy the clothes that I would like, does that mean I can't wear them because it might give them the wrong signal? I don't consider dressing the way I used to RLE, but I don't know if they might take it that way. If I had a packer and short hair THAT would be different to me...

I wouldn't even mention RLE in the first conversation with them. I think that might be just a bit too much information for them that will just go right over their heads, becoming lost in all the other information you are giving them. I dunno, I would keep it short and simple. Something like "Mum, Dad, I wanted to tell you that I believe I am not a woman, but a man. I know it's a lot to take in, and I am here to answer all your questions. I am talking about this with a therapist, so that I won't jump into this without thinking things through. I'd really like to wear more boyish / male clothes, because I feel more comfortable in them, I hope you don't mind that too much. The clothes are a way for me to decide if this is really what I want."

Or something. That, of course, would be a short version, but you get the picture. I think that in the first conversation, they might not need too much information, the fact that you are a transsexual is more than enough for them to come to terms with. Things such as how the time-line is for transitioning is something for later on.


Oh man, I feel like I am not explaining very well what it is I mean.
It's like...
Right.
It's like when I came out to my girlfriend. She was scared. She was afraid. Afraid she might lose me. Afraid I might not be attracted to her anymore. Afraid that I would lose my sense of self. Afraid that my character would change. In short, afraid of a whole lot of things.
At that time I wanted to try to wear a binder, to present more masculine, to cut my hair shorter, to stop shaving my legs and armpits, and so on.
But she wasn't ready for that yet.
So we compromised.
She told me her fears, I told her how I felt about her fears, whether they were grounded in truth or not. Most often, they were not. I stopped shaving my legs and armpits, but she how hated the armpit hair felt and looked, so I shaved that off for her. I still do. Because that's a small sacrifice to make to make her feel at ease with my body. She jokes about my legs being hairy, but she doesn't mind.

We still communicate about it. What do I want, what does she want. We compromise. And because we do all that, our relationship stays strong.

So yeah, communicate and compromise. I think that's one of the best ways to keep people in your life. Try to find a middle road that everyone feels comfortable with. (or at least as comfortable as possible).

Sometimes it doesn't work out no matter how hard you try. Crap happens. What matters is that when you look back, you can honestly say to yourself that you give it your all, tried to be there for others while still staying true to yourself.

No small matter, but I realise you never thought it was.

PolarBear

[trapthavok]

I was also best friends with my mom when I was younger. Our friendship ended when I came out. Just warning you. My mom completely detached from me. She says she still loves me, but I can tell that I disgust her. Realize that coming out comes with a risk. My mom said the same thing. That she'd love me no matter what. That I could trust her with anything. So I trusted her with this, and it got me Hell.

My mom says she'd rather me be a lesbian than be a transman. And she acts like she'd be happier if I was a drug addict, whore, or criminal-- as long as I was a woman. My mom has a somewhat distasteful view towards men, and can't figure why any girl would want to be a man. I tell her I don't know why a girl would want to be a man either, and that I'm no girl. I don't want to be a man, I am one, seeking my body to match my mind. My "soul," she'd call it. My mother says that souls are "gendered" during life but loose gender in death. So I asked her how she could prove that my soul is "female." She didn't say she knew, but she acts like because of her maternal bond that it's her decision what gender I am. The fact is, my mom is confused. She knows she doesn't want me to be a man, but she doesn't really have any logical reasons. She's told me this. "I don't know what it is, I just don't want to loose my daughter."

She's loosing a daughter she never had. She saw me as her daughter, but that's never who I really was. I was her child. I will always be her child. One day, I will "legitimately" be her son.

My mom was all about LGBTQQI rights as well. But she dropped the hat as soon as I said I was trans. She was instantly transphobic. She says that people who are trans have "issues" and are "disturbed" because they "mutilate their bodies." Personally, I don't see how taking testosterone mutilates my body. I admit that top surgery is a mutilation of my body, but I don't see how it's any worse than piercings, tattoos, plastic surgery or even medical surgery.

Hm....well of course I don't honestly know how she will react because I can't predict the future, but I guess I have to hope for the best, you know? I'm not going to go in pretending things are going to be the same way, I mean the same way they were when I was a kid. We still talk now and then, she's comforted me when I've been upset, and she's always tried to be the most unbiased person when it came to giving me advice and everything, but nowadays her and my younger sister have more in common so they're best friends, not us. She's not super religious, (heck she hasn't been to church in a long time), so I don't see her seeing anything religiously wrong with my being trans. She knows I'm an atheist now and couldn't care less...and on the subject of tattoos, I came home with my first one last week smack on my forearm where it can always be seen and she shrugged her shoulders and said, "it's your body."

The thing is, my mom was abused and stuff growing up to the point that she had to move and grow up with her aunt here in the states. She has issues with her mom even though she's been a better grandmother to me than mother to her, and because of all that she's always tried to raise her kids better than she was raised. She never had anyone to talk to so she always wanted to be there for us to be able to come to her with anything. Of all the terrible things that I've done in my search for myself as I grew up, my conversion to Islam was the only thing that ever upset her mostly because of this whole mother's day thing that went down... (nothing honestly to do with religion). Because she feels like no one ever really cared about her (horrible, I know, I try to tell her we care about her all the time) she's more accepting of people no matter what their flaws.

Again, I have to remind myself she suffers from depression so her true reaction to my being trans is up in the air...but I guess I have to hope for the best. I'll just have to be straight with her and tell her she never really had me as a daughter... I even called myself "the son dad never had" when I was growing up. She realizes that me and my sister come from two different planets (the tomboy and the girly girl) and she loves us both no matter what. I know that being trans will be a lot for her to swallow at first, but I hope that if I give her enough time she'll come around and try to read my books and be supportive of me as she's always been. I thank you Elwood for sharing what happened between you and your mother, so I won't go in there as blind as I would have if I'd come out to her yesterday. I will hope that she reacts the way I want her to, but remember that she may not thanks to you. Sometimes I feel like my life here at home has been hell because I'm so different from everybody and I've always felt like I didn't fit in with my own family, but I've saved some money over the years. Though I don't have a job now, I have money in the bank and I'll be ready to move out as soon as I graduate clear across the states to Cali. I can live with feeling like the family outcast for another year, especially because I've seen hell before (which is why I've taught myself to save money in the first place. I'm the type to spend in a heartbeat). Thanks for your support bro.

My dad is most accepting, saying that he wants me to be able to experience living "full-time" when I start my fall semester. He currently wishes to convince my step mom to become comfortable with me using then name "Daniel" starting August 19th. Whether or not she is comfortable, I probably will use it at school. I don't want to disrespect her requirements (I live under her roof, I ought to respect her rules) but I also need to progress towards transition, even if it's just slowly.

You will need to come out to them eventually. That is, if you want to keep seeing them. I think your dad might close up for a long time, but I also think he'll eventually come around if your mother is on your side of things. He might never like it, but he may grow to accept it.

There was a lot of crying from both my mother and step father. My mother acted like her daughter died, and even said it to me. "It's like my daughter is DEAD!" My step dad was really concerned, and told me about how 18 years old is not a good age to make large decisions. He said when he was 18 he almost joined the army and he was glad he didn't. I understand his point, but being transgendered does not go away after 25.

August 19th... is that a random date? Cause having my parents call me by the name I've chosen would be an awesome birthday present, but I'm not holding my breath. (I turn 21 on the 19th ) I'm glad your dad is trying to help you, even though he doesn't want you to be gay he sounds at least somewhat supportive. That's awesome Daniel, I hope to be where you're at in a year (maybe sooner).

Yeah that sounds like what my dad will do. He's a little more see through than my mom so it's easier to predict how he'll react. He shuts down a lot of the time in serious conversation and swears he has no opinion/has nothing to say but I can see that he's just bottling it up because he's afraid of how we'll take it. Lately I've been badgering him to open up more, and tried to tell him that he has 3 rational "women" in the house so I don't see how we'll attack him if we disagree with him. On the subject of trans though, I'm going to leave him alone. He's going to be terribly silent while I come out to them, and I'm not going to bother him about how he feels. I'll give him his space. If I ever want to come home again for the holidays and things, which I do, then yes I feel coming out to them is something I have to do. I want to move to California because I need my space, and because I fell in love with the state the first time I visited it, but I always want to be able to come home as well as invite them to my home. 

I wish you the best of luck. I think things will turn out fine for you in the end. You're an adult, well past the age of "unsure adolescence" and your mom cares for you.

Posted on: July 21, 2008, 08:26:44 PMI've been questioning my gender for a little more than a year. It took me until sometime this month (roughly a year) to decide I want to start RLE and to transition. My parents think that a year was extraordinarily fast, but I don't think so at all. It's been a very slow year.

Thanks, I'm gonna need it  Funny thing is, I was shocked when my parents told me they see me as an adult. I still sort of had the mentality of a kid in that whenever I'd tell them anything or ask them for advice, I'd be seeking their approval at the same time. I guess it took a long time for the kid in me to die, in fact it wasn't even until after they told me I'm an adult that I even began to see myself as one. It only took me a month to decide that I want to transition just because it all has felt so right, so you can imagine if your parents think a year was fast, then mine will have a heart attack at a month haha. Were you out to your parents the entire year that you thought about it? Hopefully if I come out to them soon and it takes me a year before I begin RLE, maybe they'll be able to cope better than a month. I don't like that idea of waiting a year, but like I said I want to give them as long as they need to get used to me being a guy. When it comes to the people I care about, I tend to have more patience than I usually do. (Tch, watch me swallow my words in two months when I post something about getting impatient).

I don't think you are not a guy, I believe you when you say you are. Didn't mean to imply that I think you're not male.

Thanks I'm glad you feel that way. It means a lot.

Yes I'm seeing a therapist. I just spoke to her about this this week. When I thought I was bi, I told her about it too a few months back and she gave me advice. She said I should just not rock the boat with my parents until I move out or get a girlfriend, and even then maybe just hide her and not tell them. It was good advice, but my parents said they'd never throw me out. Though I don't honestly know how they would have taken it, it really killed me to hide that about me from them. My parents care and want to be there for me, I just never give them the chance, which is why I wanted to come out to them about this and disagreed with my therapist about not telling them I was bi, even though I never did tell them I was bi.

Honestly, I would have disagreed with your therapist as well, but please note that I am someone who believes in complete truth and is living in a country where things such a homosexuality are becoming the norm. Plus that my parents are very liberal when it comes to things like that, so I realise I am speaking from a very lucky and blessed perspective. In your area, people might not be as open-minded as here.
On the other hand, I also believe that it is sometimes best to wait telling these things until one can stand on their own two feet, so perhaps your therapist did have a point when she advised you to wait until you were living on your own.

Yes, I believe in complete honesty which is why I disagreed with her. Hiding something so important about me made me feel like a liar. Eh it depends on the country thing... I don't know where you're at but I'm in the states, and there are places here and there where it's accepted. Unfortunately, I'm in one of the states combating homosexuality so I'm somewhere where I don't have very many rights since I'm not straight female. Thankfully, I'll be moving eventually as I told Elwood above so no worries. We're open minded enough down here to at least have a support group at my school which I joined last semester, and we have plenty of support groups in the state.

The only reason I sort of disagree with my therapist besides my need for complete honesty is that I don't want to move across the country and THEN tell them. To me, not only is that lying to them for a year, but it also makes me feel like a coward. "Oh, now that I'm across the country and you can't really do anything about it, I'm trans by the way. Have a great day." I just wasn't raised that way, so even though the next year might be hard for me, I'd feel better if my parents knew because it would hurt them more to not have me tell them in person.   

I wouldn't even mention RLE in the first conversation with them. I think that might be just a bit too much information for them that will just go right over their heads, becoming lost in all the other information you are giving them. I dunno, I would keep it short and simple. Something like "Mum, Dad, I wanted to tell you that I believe I am not a woman, but a man. I know it's a lot to take in, and I am here to answer all your questions. I am talking about this with a therapist, so that I won't jump into this without thinking things through. I'd really like to wear more boyish / male clothes, because I feel more comfortable in them, I hope you don't mind that too much. The clothes are a way for me to decide if this is really what I want."

Or something. That, of course, would be a short version, but you get the picture. I think that in the first conversation, they might not need too much information, the fact that you are a transsexual is more than enough for them to come to terms with. Things such as how the time-line is for transitioning is something for later on.

OK great idea. They don't even know what RLE is at this point and like I said, I'm willing to hold off on it for now so I won't mention it. That is a lot to swallow at once. They know I'm seeing a therapist (in fact my mom's the one who recommended her) so I'll tell them I started talking about this with her. I have something along the lines of that speech in mind. I'll give them space to ask me questions since I won't be telling them much besides my being a guy, then offer the book when we're all done talking (I ordered books to help them) and say that if they read them and if over time they continue to have more questions I'll be glad to answer. I realize we're not going to get through all the questions they will have in that first day because they won't know what to ask, but I'll always leave room for questions.

Oh man, I feel like I am not explaining very well what it is I mean.
It's like...
Right.
It's like when I came out to my girlfriend. She was scared. She was afraid. Afraid she might lose me. Afraid I might not be attracted to her anymore. Afraid that I would lose my sense of self. Afraid that my character would change. In short, afraid of a whole lot of things.
At that time I wanted to try to wear a binder, to present more masculine, to cut my hair shorter, to stop shaving my legs and armpits, and so on.
But she wasn't ready for that yet.
So we compromised.
She told me her fears, I told her how I felt about her fears, whether they were grounded in truth or not. Most often, they were not. I stopped shaving my legs and armpits, but she how hated the armpit hair felt and looked, so I shaved that off for her. I still do. Because that's a small sacrifice to make to make her feel at ease with my body. She jokes about my legs being hairy, but she doesn't mind.

We still communicate about it. What do I want, what does she want. We compromise. And because we do all that, our relationship stays strong.

So yeah, communicate and compromise. I think that's one of the best ways to keep people in your life. Try to find a middle road that everyone feels comfortable with. (or at least as comfortable as possible).

Sometimes it doesn't work out no matter how hard you try. Crap happens. What matters is that when you look back, you can honestly say to yourself that you give it your all, tried to be there for others while still staying true to yourself.

No small matter, but I realise you never thought it was.

PolarBear

Yeah I understand. I feel like I'm already compromising just a little bit by postponing my RLE. Not to mention, I told my mom a few days ago that I want to cut my hair short because I take such horrible care of it anyway (which is honestly half the reason) but she doesn't know the other half the reason is because I am a guy and I don't like my long hair. (There's not many black males out there with shoulder length hair and relaxers lol). But as soon as I tell them I'm trans they might click with the other half of the reason I want to cut it short so my second compromise is that I'll hold off on cutting it short for now. I refuse to waste anymore money on relaxers but I'll keep my hair feminine looking for a while longer. These two compromises are only off the top of my head, I'm sure we'll come up with some that make us both happy when we talk, like my wearing male clothing. I feel partially guilty though because I tried to force myself in the past year to be more feminine and went on a shopping spree with my mom...I bought three women's business suits (with my money) and heels and though I hate them, it made her happy to see that I was coming around though she didn't know it was under false circumstances.

I've compromised a lot with her during my lifetime, like wearing earrings (I hate earrings and always have) for 18 years of my life because it made her happy. Wearing dresses and letting her get excited about me getting a manicure/pedicure (I don't know which I hate more, the earrings or the manicure/pedicures) for formal events. Even the most recent one, a wedding, this past june where I let her do my hair and pick out my jewelry, get a pedicure, though I hate all of the above. I told my hair dresser, who's also my friend, that though these things made me unhappy, it was only for a brief period of time that I'd look and dress that way and it made her happy so why not...and she told me that made me wise beyond my years.

Compromise and communication won't be a problem Thanks for your responses. I know that this is a huge deal, but I was rushing into it anyway. Thanks to both of your responses, I have put off coming out to them for at least a week or two and stopping my RLE. I was going to come out to them tomorrow when the books arrived, but thanks to you I won't because you've given me a lot to think about. I will talk with my therapist on monday about coming out to my parents even though she might disagree, I will be adamant and hope she gives me unbiased advice and support. I will actually read the books that come in tomorrow when I'm on the train and such, in my spare time as well to educate myself more about being FTM and have the ability to answer their questions that may arise in reading those books a bit more easily since I will have read them myself.

I'm going shopping the second week in august and will be buying predominantly male clothing, so I want to at least tell them by then. I will be giving this a lot more thought than before though, so I will give myself enough time to pull it together before I tell them.

Thanks to both of you, you were both a tremendous help.

[PolarBear]

No worries mate, glad I could be of some help.

[Elwood]

Hm....well of course I don't honestly know how she will react because I can't predict the future, but I guess I have to hope for the best, you know? I'm not going to go in pretending things are going to be the same way, I mean the same way they were when I was a kid. We still talk now and then, she's comforted me when I've been upset, and she's always tried to be the most unbiased person when it came to giving me advice and everything, but nowadays her and my younger sister have more in common so they're best friends, not us. She's not super religious, (heck she hasn't been to church in a long time), so I don't see her seeing anything religiously wrong with my being trans. She knows I'm an atheist now and couldn't care less...and on the subject of tattoos, I came home with my first one last week smack on my forearm where it can always be seen and she shrugged her shoulders and said, "it's your body."

The thing is, my mom was abused and stuff growing up to the point that she had to move and grow up with her aunt here in the states. She has issues with her mom even though she's been a better grandmother to me than mother to her, and because of all that she's always tried to raise her kids better than she was raised. She never had anyone to talk to so she always wanted to be there for us to be able to come to her with anything. Of all the terrible things that I've done in my search for myself as I grew up, my conversion to Islam was the only thing that ever upset her mostly because of this whole mother's day thing that went down... (nothing honestly to do with religion). Because she feels like no one ever really cared about her (horrible, I know, I try to tell her we care about her all the time) she's more accepting of people no matter what their flaws.

Again, I have to remind myself she suffers from depression so her true reaction to my being trans is up in the air...but I guess I have to hope for the best. I'll just have to be straight with her and tell her she never really had me as a daughter... I even called myself "the son dad never had" when I was growing up. She realizes that me and my sister come from two different planets (the tomboy and the girly girl) and she loves us both no matter what. I know that being trans will be a lot for her to swallow at first, but I hope that if I give her enough time she'll come around and try to read my books and be supportive of me as she's always been. I thank you Elwood for sharing what happened between you and your mother, so I won't go in there as blind as I would have if I'd come out to her yesterday. I will hope that she reacts the way I want her to, but remember that she may not thanks to you. Sometimes I feel like my life here at home has been hell because I'm so different from everybody and I've always felt like I didn't fit in with my own family, but I've saved some money over the years. Though I don't have a job now, I have money in the bank and I'll be ready to move out as soon as I graduate clear across the states to Cali. I can live with feeling like the family outcast for another year, especially because I've seen hell before (which is why I've taught myself to save money in the first place. I'm the type to spend in a heartbeat). Thanks for your support bro.

Wow. Things could be really tough. Understand that no matter how compassionate or flexible a person is, they will grieve the loss of their daughter, sister, girlfriend, aunt, etc.

When I told my mom that I never really was her daughter, but always her child, she freaked. She thought I was rejecting her. I was actually trying to bring us closer, and let her know that I still consider her my mom and consider myself her kid. I don't see why the words "son" and "daughter" are so important anyway...

You're coming to California? What part? I'm in Sonoma County North Bay area.

My dad is most accepting, saying that he wants me to be able to experience living "full-time" when I start my fall semester. He currently wishes to convince my step mom to become comfortable with me using then name "Daniel" starting August 19th. Whether or not she is comfortable, I probably will use it at school. I don't want to disrespect her requirements (I live under her roof, I ought to respect her rules) but I also need to progress towards transition, even if it's just slowly.

You will need to come out to them eventually. That is, if you want to keep seeing them. I think your dad might close up for a long time, but I also think he'll eventually come around if your mother is on your side of things. He might never like it, but he may grow to accept it.

There was a lot of crying from both my mother and step father. My mother acted like her daughter died, and even said it to me. "It's like my daughter is DEAD!" My step dad was really concerned, and told me about how 18 years old is not a good age to make large decisions. He said when he was 18 he almost joined the army and he was glad he didn't. I understand his point, but being transgendered does not go away after 25.

August 19th... is that a random date? Cause having my parents call me by the name I've chosen would be an awesome birthday present, but I'm not holding my breath. (I turn 21 on the 19th ) I'm glad your dad is trying to help you, even though he doesn't want you to be gay he sounds at least somewhat supportive. That's awesome Daniel, I hope to be where you're at in a year (maybe sooner).

August 19th is the date I start my fall semester in college.

Were you out to your parents the entire year that you thought about it?

No. I actually came out about four months ago (don't ask me why I kept saying six... I actually kept saying six because that's when I came out to my best friend!).

[trapthavok]

You're coming to California? What part? I'm in Sonoma County North Bay area.

Whoa, whoa I've only been to California once, so I have no idea where that even is XD I was in Anaheim/LA in March, and I kinda liked it down there, but it's a little too crowded for my taste. I haven't decided where I'm moving yet, all I know is it's far enough away from my family and I'll be in SoCal somewhere where I can learn how to surf and where the weather wouldn't be too bad on my health.

August 19th is the date I start my fall semester in college.

Sweet. About a week before I do, but good luck with your RLE

[Elwood]

Psst: It's cheap to live here in Sonoma County! It's about an hour north of San Fransisco.

Darn, yeah, this is pretty far north. Then choose Oceanside! Then I'll get to meet you. LOL. Yeah, I'm either up here in North Bay or down by San Diego. I live a bit of a double life. 

And thanks. Your birthday on the 19th? That'll keep me happy and day dreamy all day. I like knowing someone's having a happy birthday. Lol.

[trapthavok]

Psst: It's cheap to live here in Sonoma County! It's about an hour north of San Fransisco.

Darn, yeah, this is pretty far north. Then choose Oceanside! Then I'll get to meet you. LOL. Yeah, I'm either up here in North Bay or down by San Diego. I live a bit of a double life. 

And thanks. Your birthday on the 19th? That'll keep me happy and day dreamy all day. I like knowing someone's having a happy birthday. Lol.

Well I won't be outta hear until about May or June after graduation, but I'll keep that in mind. I might be going to cali for thanksgiving, who knows, we'll see how it goes. At any rate, why would you want me to move close to your home? I would think you'd want me to go somewhere a little further so you could get away from home sometimes

Thanks haha I hope I'll be having a great birthday.

[Elwood]

LOL. Close enough that I could visit you. I won't have a motorcycle for a couple years, probably...

But don't let my nonsense sway you. Pick the place that's right for you.