i hate my penis

[Imadique]

Wish I could trade with one of you ladies LOL

Heh, I wonder if we could arrange some kind of donor/swap program through the board here? 

All we'd need is an excel spreadsheet, a contracted surgeon and lots of ice...

[Janet_Girl]

On another forum I visit they were talking about that doctors have or are about preform a uterus transplant.  Maybe we could all sign up as donors and receivers. (sp)  And make it a two way street.

I'll give you mine if you give me yours. >

[MaggieB]

I don't hate my penis but I am revolted by it. I have regular dreams about it looking deformed and horrible looking. I won't go into details but imagine the most disgusting thing you might see in the kitchen garbage. I have woken up in the morning with pain down there after I dreamt that I tried to pull it off. Since, I went full time I haven't had one of these dreams until the night before last. I am dealing with the reality that my transition has been forcibly suspended because of my family circumstances. So now, I am dogged by those old nightmares and my feelings about the junk down there are intensifying. I tried the self-castration route a couple of times too but reason prevailed and I snapped out of it before significant damage occurred. At least, I think that is the case. That was five years ago. Thankfully, with Spiro, I don't get erections. Once last December, I tried to revisit maleness and tried to get an erection. It sort of worked but the pain was incredible making me bend over until the damn thing went back to normal. Now, I pack it away in control panties and it is just a vestige of it's former size.

What a horrible situation to have to live with. So few understand what agony having the wrong plumbing causes. It gets me so angry sometimes because my family simply ignores my situation. For them delay and denial are their best friends. For me, it is torture.

I don't blame God for this. I know he allowed it and I have had my share of tantrums with him over it. However, we aren't promised a perfect life and in my case it is one  storm after another. I have understood that some past trials were for a reason and in some I have even come to understand it. That I don't understand why I have to suffer so now doesn't make a good reason impossible. Gosh, look at the world situation. It is a mosaic of good and bad everywhere. Right now, I am in one of the darkest times of my life. I have to keep hoping that my one candle in the darkness won't go out. God once promised me it wouldn't.

Maggie

[NicholeW.]

Comfortable? No. Hate? No.

Did She make me this way to punish me? I once thought so.

Then one night years ago I was driving my oldest son to his counseling group.

He said: "Mom, I think I know why Goddess made you this way." Why do you think so, A?

"Because, Mom, She's done this for you so you can show people that other people like you are good & just people too.
She did it because you can live with it and be better and still be wonderful. People need to know that."

I burst into tears and had to stop driving until I had stopped. He said: "Did I hurt your feelings?"
No, A, you've made me the happiest woman in the world.

The way we are, were, is another thing people have to live with in their lives. It's not all a curse, although
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, whoever that could be. It simply is another variation in humanity.
One that has certain benefits and possibilities if one can find them. That's everyone's task, I think: to live with pain sometimes
and find ways to live well with it.

In that way, my lot is no different than anyone else's. It is what it is, how I have lived with it is the measure that matters.

Nichole

[Kimberly]

Ok, only to comment on the "God" thoughts, an I can only speak for me and my own experience. Oh, an I get to sound loopy too, enjoy.

As best I know I have been transsexual twice, this being the second time. BOTH times were my choice. Yes, my choice, as in I chose to do this. In the first the body HAD to be female, and to be blunt I was NOT keen on the notion at all. An option was presented and a caution given that it might result in hardship. I went with that option. In a true technical sense she was a F2M transsexual in a time when the concept kind of didn't work. Had she lived longer ... I really do not know what would have become of things, but ultimately both history and myself use feminine pronouns. Neither are meant as disrespectful. ... Meh I should be quite.

The second, which as best I know would be this little life, again I chose this, freely of my own will. If I have my understanding correct it was mostly to help a friend. Apparently that little nudge has happened. This results in ... well, peachy, it seems I am a girl. An in the same, I LIKE being a girl these days. An while I realize when I say my last few lives have been the female of the species means NOTHING to anyone else, but basic concept that might be of value is ... well, pain is temporary. Trust in what is, don't beat yourself up over this just be as true and as honest both to yourself and others as you can be.

Oh, an on the concept of "God", well, "He" is ... wonderful. ... Please don't blindly judge harshly, not all bad things in life are anyone's choice but our own... An as Nichole  mentioned above, hurting is not a requirement.

Just my thoughts, sand in the wind...

[MaggieB]

Comfortable? No. Hate? No.

Did She make me this way to punish me? I once thought so.

Then one night years ago I was driving my oldest son to his counseling group.

He said: "Mom, I think I know why Goddess made you this way." Why do you think so, A?

"Because, Mom, She's done this for you so you can show people that other people like you are good & just people too.
She did it because you can live with it and be better and still be wonderful. People need to know that."

I burst into tears and had to stop driving until I had stopped. He said: "Did I hurt your feelings?"
No, A, you've made me the happiest woman in the world.

The way we are, were, is another thing people have to live with in their lives. It's not all a curse, although
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, whoever that could be. It simply is another variation in humanity.
One that has certain benefits and possibilities if one can find them. That's everyone's task, I think: to live with pain sometimes
and find ways to live well with it.

In that way, my lot is no different than anyone else's. It is what it is, how I have lived with it is the measure that matters.

Nichole

Nichole,
Indeed, you are fulfilling that purpose.

Maggie

[MCMCyn]

I came very close to doing just that. I bought something called a "burdizo," which is used to castrate cattle. When I saw how large it was, I realized that I could remove everything. I also thought that I could bleed to death, which was a risk worth taking at the time.

The reason that I never went through with it was that the man that I was living with found the thing and  made me feel so guilty about the effects of probably killing myself that I sent it back. This was during the '80's, a time when I was truly unaware as to my options.

I did the exact same thing. I still have the burdizo somewhere around the house. Thankfully I waited!

[Stealthgrrl]

I expect I asked Goddess for the privelege.

Stealth

[Princess_Jasmine]

Why is everyone blaming God for this? Dont you all know this is the devil's plan? To make us suffer so much that we point at God and blame him, turn away, and in doing so, we have completed exactly what the devil wanted to happen.

Well I say dont give up! I know what we are all going through is a traumatizing experience everyday we wake up, but really God is the solution. After all there are blind, paralyzed, and many other types of people with big problems. We just have to remember nothing bad comes from God and nothing good comes from the devil

[Luc]

Well fancy that. I hate MY penis, too!

[cindybc]

Hi Lory hon,

I call it an error of nature and not Creator. Genetic errors don't happen to just to people but also animals and plants. Sometimes these errors are referred to as deformities. So let us say it is an error of nature then.

The next obvious step would be to find counseling or whatever specified doctor or researcher who will give a specific diagnoses, and then begin what course should be followed up by the appropriate treatment to correct this specific genetic error. A baby is born with three legs, then the obvious thing to do would be to remove the extra leg so that the child will grow up to live as normal a life as possible.

Great Spirit doesn't make errors. It is this fallible dualities in this reality that makes the errors and possibly for more reasons than I could fit in one post. Also, life is a test given to a very large classroom of students. We just happen to have a much bigger lunch in our lunch boxes to eat then most of the other students.

So maybe the person who has lost a limb may have to adjust how to perform the same amount of work with just the one remaining limb. And so we learn to live as best we can in our newly assigned bodies and make the best about it. Don't forget to smile and enjoy the balance of you newly assigned life which you will be playing on center stage.

Great Spirit is the spectator sitting in the back row seats holding steepled hands under His/Her chin, contemplating and watching the act of life that Her/His little children play out before this great Infinite being of light. Life is what we make it. What we desire out of life is in proportion to how much we believe in our potentials and if we have faith required to move on in our own personal mission.   

Cindy

[ginger39]

I really don't hate my penis in the classical sense. What really bothers me about the whole situation is that I can't really derive much satisfaction or pleasure from the thing. Sure it gets hard and I have orgasms but the whole intimacy thing is really missing. As a result I've never really felt comfortable using it.

[cindybc]

Hi Amie, do you yell "TIMBER!!!" after you're done or before you cut it down with your McCullough chainsaw.

Cindy

[Virginia87106]

This thread shows the diversity that exists within the TS community.  Some of us hate the thing, others of us love it.  I myself have had many hours of pleasure from my penis.  After I had breast implants, I looked at my body with the breasts and the penis, and thought I was incredibly beautiful that way.
I have also found many men and women and trans people who agree.  But all the TSs that I know who have had SRS (GRS) agree that they have either hated their penis all their life, or found it very inconsequential to their happiness.

[fae_reborn]

This thread shows the diversity that exists within the TS community.  Some of us hate the thing, others of us love it.  I myself have had many hours of pleasure from my penis.  After I had breast implants, I looked at my body with the breasts and the penis, and thought I was incredibly beautiful that way.
I have also found many men and women and trans people who agree.  But all the TSs that I know who have had SRS (GRS) agree that they have either hated their penis all their life, or found it very inconsequential to their happiness.

I have to agree with you Virginia.  I once hated mine with a passion and wanted to lop it off, but after being on HRT for 1 1/2 years, I didn't hate it so much.  I decided that it would be cheaper and easier (and less painful) to just see it as a large clitoris.  I don't like pain, and hate most things medical (including surgery).  Having full SRS would be way too much for me personally.  I don't know how many others in our community feel the same, but I'm slowly changing my perception of it, and with my Orchi in about a month I'm looking forward to just having "my little clitoris." 

Jenn

[Virginia87106]

yes Faye.  And the other thing is estrogen changed the feelings of orgasm as well as the skin around the penis.  It is much softer than it used to be.  My orgasms build slowly and stay at a "crest" for a much longer time than they used to, and I stay in the "glow" for a longer time.  Estrogen is a wonderful thing!

[Melissa]

I've actually attempted to cut mine off 3 separate times (and all since transition).  It's taken a lot of mental work to get to the point I'm at now, but I now feel indifferent about it.  I still want SRS, but it's no emergency anymore.

[MeghanAndrews]

I've always had an indifferent relationship with it. It's kind of hard to explain but I've never really been overtly sexual. My T counts weren't like 50 or anything pre-HRT, I think they were 600, which is normal, but I just never really had too much of a sex drive. I think it's mainly due to not knowing where to direct that energy. I don't hate it, I don't like it, it's just a body part like an arm or a leg. I don't do stuff with it very often at all. I am planning on SRS but it's more to feel complete than anything else. He'll just sit down there gathering dust until them, atrophying and wishing he had a parent who nurtured him and cared for him like all the other penis' parents' out there. I guess I was a bad parent to him. Can I be charged with neglect? Lol  Meghan

[lacitychick21]

Meh... mine's just there. It's like a belly button. My life wouldn't end if it dissappeared (or stayed) but damned if i wouldn't notice. I never cared for it. When I'm intimate with girls I don't like using it "in that way." I don't really care to receive oral if it's treated so phallically. With boys, I would just rather not know it's there but at the same time, I'm not in this HUGE hurry to do something about it. (I think my fear of surgery influences that decision.)

In any event, I don't like what's entailed to "get there," but I DO love the feeling of the Big O...

Eh, can't have it all.

[le_joli_papillon]

Eh. i LOVE suzy! IDK, i love my penis. it's all i've known for 18 yrs, even though I'd rather be BORN with a vagina....this is what I have, and this is what makes me stand out from the natal woman....idk, i just don't trust ANY SRS surgeon, anything could go wrong and I'd be stuck with a meaty mass of a thing that's supposed to be a vagina. I don't wanna risk it!! I'll keep Suzy, now The Girls (Dawn and Viola), I can't waiitt until my Orchi to get rid of them!