Alienated

[thestory]

I spoke to my family tonight about my feelings on being trans and wanting to transition. I didn't bring it up, they did since we haven't talked about it in a while... plus my sister is visiting from Texas and this is the first time she has discussed it with me. She knew I was FtM already through my mother.
I just am not very open about my thoughts or how I feel so my mother and her talk on the phone a lot more often than I. I hate talking on the phone and being an introvert I run out of things to say fast.

I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve either and never really talk about really personal things like this.

My sister is very neutral on the transitioning matter and doesn't mind if I transition or not. My parents on the other hand have been continuously upset by the ordeal and still continue to emphasize that I'm a girl.
They say everyone loves and accepts me for who I am so why change? Its true I'm accepted...I have a great life. But others here that are transgender understand that thats not the case... but somehow my parents think repeating this notion will change my need to do this. Like I don't think I am loved. I am sorry I am not dense mom and dad, I know I am loved and all my quirks are accepted by friends and family... but that has nothing to do with my need to do this.

Anyhow... I talked to my family because they wanted me to share and be open for once. So I did. I thought opening up is supposed to be relieving but I am feeling suddenly very blocked off and alienated. Talking to them only emphasized that no one understood, even the people who didn't mind my decision still dont get it and ask a lot of the same questions as the ones that oppose it... the worse part is the way  they look at me, trying to figure me out. I see them and understand them, but they look at me and are at a loss.

Maybe I am an alien heh. I just don't have anyone I can look at face to face and share anything with and feel connected FtM issues or not. Right now I just feel... apart.

[Cindy]

Hi Kamren
I hope you don't mind a sister replying.
The inability to understand TG issues is extreme in the community. People now seem to accept homosexuality, even if they do not condone it. But TG is a bridge too far for many. I have to admit I do not know why.

Even people who go to see drag shows cannot accept TG, whether they are King or Queen shows. OK many if not all of these shows use comedy and Gay themes to be accepted, but people still don't get the connection; I've been thinking for some time that there isn't one.

I'm sorry. I don't have answers. Can you go back to the 'old' stand bye of writing down your thoughts, emotions and life and giving each member of the family a copy. Sometimes people understand words and the pain of the words before they can see the picture in front of them. It also gives them something to mull over. I hate to say it, but we are the 'odd' ones we have to explain our hurt and our hell to the lucky.

Hugs

Cindy

[Silver]

Hang in there, you're one step closer, right?

I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve either and never really talk about really personal things like this.

My sister is very neutral on the transitioning matter and doesn't mind if I transition or not. My parents on the other hand have been continuously upset by the ordeal and still continue to emphasize that I'm a girl.

. . .

I thought opening up is supposed to be relieving but I am feeling suddenly very blocked off and alienated. Talking to them only emphasized that no one understood. . .

Yeah, I can relate to that. Like a soft underbelly you've just exposed. Well, you say you're introverted so that should help with the lack of satisfying human contact.

[spacial]

They say everyone loves and accepts me for who I am so why change? Its true I'm accepted...I have a great life.

The problem is, you're not.

[Jamie-o]

I can totally relate, Kamren.  I, too, just end up feeling very uncomfortable and even more alienated when I discuss personal things like transition with people.    I think Cindy has a good idea there.  My mom just didn't get it, and I couldn't really explain why I needed to do this while talking to her in person.  It wasn't until I wrote her a letter and described the life-long anger and self-revulsion I felt being female - the things I couldn't really express face-to-face - that she finally understood that, yes, this was something I needed to do.  She still has her issues with it, but that was a major hurdle that we got over.  But at least it sounds as if your family isn't completely freaking out.  That's at least one step in the right direction.  Good luck with getting them to understand.

[LordKAT]

I am opposite in some ways. No one wants to know how I feel or why. I am still the alien and have ever been. I used to literally think I was an alien. Long story but that was the only way I could reconcile my being so different form every single human being I had ever met. All I can say is I am still an alien in many ways, I'm just glad I have found other aliens to commiserate with who have some idea of what it is I deal with from day to day. I can only hope that you can find solace in talking to and reading the posts of others here on Susan's. You are not alone no  matter how much it feels like it at times. We are with you sharing the same leaky boat.

[JennaLee]

Kamren

Excellent question, why?  I'm in my 50's and still don't know the answer. 

It just is and will be for as long as the grass grows and the wind blows.

Acceptance takes time, persistence, and patience.  For some, like me, nearly a lifetime.

[Brittyn]

To help my mom understand a while back I was looking through youtube and made her watch a few documentary pieces about it.  She thought it was interesting.  But then again she never was that strongly against it.  So...might help, might not.   

[thestory]

Hi Kamren
I hope you don't mind a sister replying.

Not at all and I appreciate the advice. I haven't written anything personal in a while and it may actually be a good way to communicate for me. Its worth a go.

Hang in there, you're one step closer, right?
Yeah, I can relate to that. Like a soft underbelly you've just exposed. Well, you say you're introverted so that should help with the lack of satisfying human contact.

It helps me deal with the lack of of things I have in common with the people around me. I can simply read write or draw by myself and be plenty happy. It is the fact that I know someone out there is upset with me that is upsetting.

The problem is, you're not.

Exactly. I think I said pretty much the same thing last night. Still over their heads I guess.

To help my mom understand a while back I was looking through youtube and made her watch a few documentary pieces about it...might help, might not.   

I tried to show my mom documentaries about trans issues before but she has always been stubborn and put off about it. She started to watch one but didn't get far.



As for everyone else, thanks for the support. Its good to know others can relate to you even if you may never meet them. There are others out there like me and its comforting. I may not write a whole bunch here but reading others experiences and the hardships they overcome is always encouraging.

[Lachlann]

I know the feeling, but it got a little bit better with time.

[Nemo]

Funny that you/others have mentioned feeling alien - I can relate to that so well it's untrue. I've often felt that I was born on the wrong planet, let alone body ¬_¬ There are accepting people out there. Honestly, there are. They're hard to find, but they're there

I suppose the main thing we face is, we break society's bubble about gender being clear-cut, binary etc., and re-educating these people is a daunting task. Some want to learn, others don't, and it's tough. But it needs to be done if we're gonna get anywhere, and live as we should have done in the first place.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I can relate. When I out myself or am outed to someone who otherwise thinks I'm a normal guy...I suddenly feel like I don't belong, like they see me different. So I try to be stealth, but being a performer at a gay bar doesn't exactly help that. Oh well. I'm on the line of being out and proud like my drag dad, yet stealth in regular public (meaning not a gay bar). In the end, you'll find your true friends. By far, my blood family is not supportive and will never be. I found more of a family in my close friends than anything.