Should I even care?

[Donnabobhair]

I am a heterosexual male.

[barbie]

At my apartment and workplace, all know that I am a dad. Nevertheless, I do wear heels, skirts and makeup. Sometimes I wear nude bra under strapless bra. I think passing is meaningless in this case.

Barbie~~

Posted on: July 30, 2008, 05:02:11 PMToday I wear red lipstick at time first time at my workplace. Usually I wear translucent lip gross here. People commented that I look like wearing very deep makeup, but it's just lipstick.My boss also commented on my lipstick in the morning. People no longer wonder my crossdressing. Neverthelss, I avoid skirts at work place.

Barbie~~

[greeneyedgirl]

Okay, I'm going to add my nickles worth and hope I don't get chased out of the place like I did at the one group I went to years ago.

I'll preface this by saying that I cannot even imagine what your lives are like, me, I couldn't muster up enough male energy to pass even when I was trying so hard to live that way.  I'm a girl, woman, person of the female persuasion, always have been.

Okay, disclaimer done with, I personally think passing is passe.  Passing is an illusion, a "standard" someone else sets for us because socio-culturally people are obsessed with gender, with rules that everyone MUST follow because individual freedom is anthem to fitting in.  If you don't do anything that is going to compromise your own personal safety, you should be allowed to wear anything you want, anytime you want.  "Passing" is a trap we all get lured into, and we spend so much time being obsessed about "passing" we surrender our feelings, our freedom, our confidence, self esteem and everything else.  

So we need to worry less about passing, and more about expressing ourselves honestly, allowing our inner beauty to shine and fill the room.  Passing becomes a non-issue when we are free and shining our own light.  Do things within reason, draw positive, encouraging, uplifting attention to yourself and allow yourself to flow, radiating poise, grace and beauty.  Be that inner woman you know you are, don't try to "pass" just BE.

I know plenty of natal females that regularly get mistaken for guys, and you know what?  They shrug and keep doing what they were doing.  They don't get all freaked out and worried about passing.  You shouldn't either.  Passing is a one way trip to the dark side...  Let the force flow and light you up, walk in the light.

The other thing to keep in mind is that you shouldn't go deliberately exposing yourself to danger.  Walking in areas that aren't safe at the best of times, let alone with this big neon target on you saying "I'm different."  Don't PUSH the envelope.  Don't MAKE other people uncomfortable because you feel you have a right to be yourself.  There are rights, and there are rights.  Sometimes the rights of everyone else, their safety and protection IS more important than an individual's right to something.  I can't overstress the personal safety issue involved, a friend of mine got beat up several times, and knifed, almost fatally once.  Why?  Because she was pushing the envelope and asking for trouble.

So be safe out there okay?  TS or TG, this is about personal freedom, and being able to be who we are without taking crap or abuse from narrow minded idiots who would have us go away.

Just my two cents...

Sam

[Tracy]

Greeneyedgirl:  What a great reply!

I don't worry too much about passing as I am very careful to be out and about when the chances of being seen are low. Yes, I'm a chicken in addition to being a feminine male who likes the attentions of males.

Donnabobhair: Thanks for sharing your wonderful thoughts/life. I feel happy reading your post.

[barbie]

IYes, I'm a chicken in addition to being a feminine male who likes the attentions of males.

Hi, Tracy,

It is interesting that you can like the attention of males. Frankly speaking, I prefer attentions of women, as I do not like dreadful and greedy eyes of those strange males who gaze at me in the street. I like curious eyes of women.

Barbie~~

[cindybc]

Hi Greeneyedgirl, glad that we crossed paths once more. I quite agree with all that you have said. Even thought I have posted many words of similar thoughts it is wonderful to meet another that speaks similar words, like minds? Perhaps.

I just wished to add to the part you mention, "instead of passing why not expressing ourselves honestly" to the outside world. Well I have called this in past posts as projecting, projecting what you wish other people to see you as. This can be accomplished in part with a positive attitude and an upbeat personality. As for the passing part, look around you, pay attention more to how most other women around you dress, and for what ever occasions. It's always wise to look around the place or places you will be visiting and pay note how others are dressing.

Same with the work place. This way if one dresses accordingly you will blend in and become just one of the girls. It's what you have just suggested above and what I have shared in this post I have found out personally that it works quite well, proper make up, and the nail polish applied appropriately, hair groomed, or if one has sparse hair get a good quality wig, and you will blend in.

We should start a school for teaching our new TS girls on how to groom and dress properly and how to present. Maybe kind of like a charm school? "Hee, hee, hee."

Cindy   

[greeneyedgirl]

Hi Greeneyedgirl, glad that we crossed paths once more. I quite agree with all that you have said. Even thought I have posted many words of similar thoughts it is wonderful to meet another that speaks similar words, like minds? Perhaps.
~clipped~
We should start a school for teaching our new TS girls on how to groom and dress properly and how to present. Maybe kind of like a charm school? "Hee, hee, hee."

Cindy   

Oh dear, not another one!  I tell you, if I had a nickle for everyone who's ever mentioned me starting a school, I'd be rich!  I kid you not, I've had women who've been "doing this" longer than I ask me where I went to school, and when I told them I didn't, they said I should start one.  Frighteningly enough, I've had to teach (on those rare occasions when I didn't think to say no) natals how to walk, speak, be more female.  Now I gotta tell you that's just fricking WEIRD to me.  But it has happened.

One of the things that sticks out in my head most about the first "DOR" in 2005, was meeting a woman who was a decade post op, and her explaining to me in great detail why I needed to start a school.  She talked about walk, carriage, comportment, and a whole bunch of things that I remember from finishing school (I was a 'deb' in my last life) in the 50s, that I really don't think about, or want to.  THAT she said is why I needed to start a school.  Everything apparently she says, does or anything is as she explained it, on a time delay.  Because she has to go through everything and thing about the right way to move, the right expressions, and on, and on, and on...  The fact that it all flows out of me seamlessly and effortlessly is what I needed to help other women accomplish. I felt, still do, so bad for her.  I understand it on one level, it was what my life was like BEFORE I transitioned.  I changed so I wouldn't have to do that anymore.  It's also why I don't think I really could start a school.  I have no idea what or how I do things, so it would be almost impossible for me to teach.  If it sounds like I take it for granted, yeah, I guess you could say that, but it's not even that.

I tried to explain that she needed (and this is advice I give to everyone, regardless of journey) to do is let go of all the old habits and such, just embrace the new and let go of it.  Thought truth to tell, I have figured a way to do it in Hypnotherapy, so one day soon (and I've been saying this a while) I'll get that put together.

Passing is the desperate act of not wanting to fail.  Unquestionable (which my sister [natal] of all people explained to me) is not having a question arise.  SO it goes this way:

Passing is when you walk into a room, someone looks up, then does a double take and says to him or herself, oh, yeah, that's a girl.

Unquestionable is when you walk into a room, someone sees you, immediately sees a girl and doesn't give it any further thought.  You're just another woman in the room.

Upon reflection the single greatest piece of advise to getting there, and more than 50% of the battle is ourselves.  I never had to worry about passing because it never really dawned on me to get wrapped up in it.  I am who I am, and have always been, and I'm not some bizarre binary standard that exists solely in the minds of the robots around me, I'm a woman.  For me there's never been a question.  Plenty of pain yes, but no question in my mind, hence the pain.  When I finally threw off the yoke of everyone else's expectations and hang ups, all that was left is the girl I've always been.

Cindy you are right, one can "project" who we are ahead of us, and honestly while I'd love to feel extra special and say it's something only major empaths can do, truth is, anyone can.  It's called self confidence, and self acceptance.  Start with acceptance, because it is the hardest part of this journey, and after that move onto confidence.

Now the self acceptance thing, and can, and have helped plenty of women over the last five years accomplish.  I...  Oh fuss and bother, I'll have to put it up somewhere else, it seems clickcaster is gone, which is where I had the self acceptance, self hypnosis session freely available.  Okay, I'll have to put it somewhere else...  Oh, I can stick it on my podcaster site, and do it that way, hum, I have an iTunes site I can put it on too.  Geeze, I'm going to have to get poor Andrea to change that link (again) no wonder I haven't been getting e-mails about it...

Anyway, many years ago I created a hypnosis session to help with that, used it myself when I started my journey and had to update it in 2006 because the old one was my old voice.  Anyway, everyone who's used it has said it's made their lives, and journey so much easier.  Time I guess to update it again.  I "gave" it to the community because of what over the years, especially in my early days, the community gave me.

Anyway, I'm rambling and should really go to bed.

Thanks everyone for your kind remarks, and I'm glad people found a kernel or two of truth in what I had to say that worked for them.  Right on ladies!

Sam

[cindybc]

Hi Greeneyedgirl hon
I was just messing around when I mentioned the school and actually surprised to learn that you had in truth done some schooling. You are quite right you don't have to be an empath to learn how to project but once you get the knack on how to do it, it works when ever you desire it to work.  No magic just requires an upbeat attitude and personality. But then we all have some down days, like yesterday I spent the entire day having the classical runny nose and red eyes from one who cried to much and for no truly justifiable reason that I could think of.

Cindy   

[Suzy]

Donnabobhair,

First, thank you so very much for sharing your life with us.  There are many who feel much as you do, and will no doubt be encouraged by your story.

Should you care?  I think the question itself is somewhat of an oxymoron.  The fact is that you do not care, and I have rarely met anyone who can be argued into caring about something that they do not.  The obvious truth is that you are happy the way you are.  So why spoil it?  You have obviously gotten the appropriate warnings about being careful, since not everybody can be trusted to be accepting.  But other than that, why would you mess up something that is a natural expression of who you are?

I think you hit on one of the most important distinctions here, the difference between being feminine and female.  IMHO, most people who crossdress know they are not female, but simply seek a healthy way to express their feminine side.  Others of us truly believe we are female inside.  That opens up a much bigger can of worms. 

Personally, I wish I could be like you and not worry about the passing thing.  It would sure take a lot of the pressure off.  I don't consider myself a vain person, but I do know it is very important to me.  I don't feel myself when I am just dressed in feminine clothes.  I only do when I am out there, being female and being perceived as such.  Again, I am not saying this is how anyone else should feel.  It is just me.  So I think it is important to understand and accept each other on this issue.

Well again, thank you so very much for sharing with us.  I have enjoyed seeing your beautiful spirit!

Kristi

[Constance]

OK, here's my $.02.

I guess when I think about "passing" I mean that I want to look as "feminine" as possible. If I convince someone, cool. If I make them uncertain, that's even better.

Biologically, I'm male. Psychologically, I'm androgyne. There are days when I feel "masculine," days when I feel "feminine," and days where I'm somewhere in between. Cross-dressing, to me, is something I do for me. I guess I'd prefer to pass so convincingly that I would not be harrassed or assaulted. Living in the SF Bay Area helps limit those risks, I'd tend to think.

[gennee]

The fact that I am out there being myself is most important. I pass for the most part. If I'm read by others that's alright, too. I dress sensibly and age appropriate. My wife says that my stuff looks better than hers. I let her borrow my sweaters, skirts, blouses, and jewelry. I can see situations which are not safe or make me unconfortable so I avoid them. I just enjoy myself and live my life.

Gennee